Andy Bernard Quotes Page 1 of 24

Quote from Scott's Tots

Andy: Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news.
Jim: Wait, are you the patient or the doctor?
Andy: The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.
Jim: Wow. What do you put our chances at?
Andy: 0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!
Jim: Hmm, sounds risky.
Andy: Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron.

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Quote from Gay Witch Hunt

Andy: Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know, cut your throat to get ahead type of guy. But, I mean, I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell. You ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time and I sang in the a cappella group Here Comes Treble.

Quote from St. Patrick's Day

Andy: Erin and I have our first date tonight, and it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to "How I Met Your Mother", that's the date that your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about, and you better have a good story for them.

Quote from Finale

Andy: I spent so much of my time here at Dunder Mifflin thinking about my old pals, my college a cappella group. The weird thing is now, I'm exactly where I wanna be. I got my dream job at Cornell and I'm still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they're the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them. ... Someone should write a song about that.

Quote from Chair Model

Andy: Did I do this for me? No. I did this for the little guy. For Joe six-pack, the guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills? That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.

Quote from The Merger

Andy: I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a ... carpenter that makes stairs.

Quote from Traveling Salesmen / The Return

Andy: Five of us transferred from Stamford. There's two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I'm not falling in a chocolate river.

Quote from The Job

Dwight K. Schrute: I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?
Andy: White. Because it contains all other colors.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
Andy: You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.
Dwight K. Schrute: What is the capital of Maine?
Andy: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York where I went to Cornell.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't want to hear about it. Forget your personal history and learn the history of this company.
Andy: Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.
Andy: I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?

Quote from The Surplus

Andy: We're getting married at Schrute farms, no matter what. I have looked at 12 venues. I have lost 8 deposits. And I have seen Angela naked zero times. I am not losing another deposit.

Quote from Double Date

Andy: What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.

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