Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight K. Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes. My head is in such pain and turmoil.

Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Michael Scott: Oh, my life.
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office has made me depressed.
Dwight K. Schrute: Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut!
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off, but I really think they hit their stride in the second show. Uh. I might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee. [Michael starts shouting again] Oh, excuse me. It's my favorite part.

Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see Love Actually again, but it's at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click and I change the order of the queue, so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan: I guess I forgot. [kisses Kelly]
Kelly: You're such a ditz.
Kevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said "awesome" 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.

Toby: Okay, one thing you're going to want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a 10-minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're going to want to get up out of your chairs and move around for about 10 minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Yes. Good. Fine.
Dwight: Like stretching and-
Toby: Yeah, your computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so it's also recommended that you step away for about 10 minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Wow? That is- That time really adds up. That's like a half an hour, every hour?
Darryl: Take them at the same time.

Andy: Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. But after five weeks in anger management, I'm back, and I've got a new attitude and a new name and a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.

Michael Scott: Today is safety training day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. But I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation at the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.

Darryl: We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled-
[cut to Michael in his office:]
Michael Scott: "Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging?"
[back:]
Darryl: And I fell and busted my ankle and I'm legitimately scared for my workers.

Michael Scott: Okay. You know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Toby: No. No.
Michael Scott: Uh. You always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort in case it gets drafty.
Ryan: What about a long-sleeved tee?
Toby: That will work.
Kevin: Long johns? A shawl?
Toby: You know, anything that warms you.