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‘Safety Training’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Office: Safety Training

320. Safety Training

Aired April 12, 2007

Michael is upset when the warehouse employees mock him during a safety training exercise for working in a harmless environment. Meanwhile, Andy returns to work following his anger management course.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight K. Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes. My head is in such pain and turmoil.


Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, my life.
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office has made me depressed.
Dwight K. Schrute: Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut!
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off, but I really think they hit their stride in the second show. Uh. I might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee. [Michael starts shouting again] Oh, excuse me. It's my favorite part.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see Love Actually again, but it's at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click and I change the order of the queue, so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan: I guess I forgot. [kisses Kelly]
Kelly: You're such a ditz.
Kevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said "awesome" 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.

Quote from Darryl

Toby: Okay, one thing you're going to want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a 10-minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're going to want to get up out of your chairs and move around for about 10 minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Yes. Good. Fine.
Dwight: Like stretching and-
Toby: Yeah, your computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so it's also recommended that you step away for about 10 minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Wow? That is- That time really adds up. That's like a half an hour, every hour?
Darryl: Take them at the same time.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. But after five weeks in anger management, I'm back, and I've got a new attitude and a new name and a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today is safety training day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. But I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation at the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled-
[cut to Michael in his office:]
Michael Scott: "Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging?"
Darryl: And I fell and busted my ankle and I'm legitimately scared for my workers.

Quote from Toby

Michael Scott: Okay. You know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Toby: No. No.
Michael Scott: Uh. You always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort in case it gets drafty.
Ryan: What about a long-sleeved tee?
Toby: That will work.
Kevin: Long johns? A shawl?
Toby: You know, anything that warms you.

Quote from Kelly

Michael Scott: Okay. Let's do another one. This is a good one. A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary lifestyle which can contribute-
Toby: Sedentary.
Michael Scott: Yes. Which can contribute to heart disease. Heart disease kills more people than balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael Scott: No. No, it's sedentary.
Lonny: Yeah, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: That's what we've been trying to tell you, Mike. It's serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness. Nerf ball. You live a sweet little nerfy life sitting on your biscuit never having to risk it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?
Pam: I don't understand the question.
Michael Scott: Working in an office can lead to depression, which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler. And yet those guys are making fun of me, calling me a Nerf. That-
Pam: It's really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals.
Michael Scott: Yeah. You are so right. They have visual aids and all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball and your hair sticks up straight. And you know science.
Pam: So, you're okay?
Michael Scott: Indubitably.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Idiots! God, what are we going to do?
Michael Scott: I don't know. I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wolves.
Michael Scott: Depression.
Dwight K. Schrute: Visual aids.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: A quilt. A depression quilt.
Michael Scott: No time to sew a quilt.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Ready?
Michael Scott: Let's do it. Drop that sucker.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Bingo!
[The watermelon bounces off the trampoline and lands on a car roof. The alarm starts blaring.]
Michael Scott: Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Got it.
Michael Scott: Also, take apart the trampoline. Stick it in the baler.
Dwight K. Schrute: We're not allowed to use the baler.
Michael Scott: Have Padge do it or the sea monster.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm on it.

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