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40Quotes from ‘Safety Training’

The Office: Safety Training

320. Safety Training

Aired April 12, 2007

Michael is upset when the warehouse employees mock him during a safety training exercise for working in a harmless environment. Meanwhile, Andy returns to work following his anger management course.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight K. Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes. My head is in such pain and turmoil.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, my life.
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office has made me depressed.
Dwight K. Schrute: Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut!
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off, but I really think they hit their stride in the second show. Uh. I might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee. [Michael starts shouting again] Oh, excuse me. It's my favorite part.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see Love Actually again, but it's at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click and I change the order of the queue, so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan: I guess I forgot. [kisses Kelly]
Kelly: You're such a ditz.
Kevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said "awesome" 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.

Quote from Darryl

Toby: Okay, one thing you're going to want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a 10-minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're going to want to get up out of your chairs and move around for about 10 minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Yes. Good. Fine.
Dwight: Like stretching and-
Toby: Yeah, your computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so it's also recommended that you step away for about 10 minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Wow? That is- That time really adds up. That's like a half an hour, every hour?
Darryl: Take them at the same time.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. But after five weeks in anger management, I'm back, and I've got a new attitude and a new name and a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today is safety training day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. But I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation at the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled-
[cut to Michael in his office:]
Michael Scott: "Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging?"
[back:]
Darryl: And I fell and busted my ankle and I'm legitimately scared for my workers.

Quote from Toby

Michael Scott: Okay. You know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Toby: No. No.
Michael Scott: Uh. You always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort in case it gets drafty.
Ryan: What about a long-sleeved tee?
Toby: That will work.
Kevin: Long johns? A shawl?
Toby: You know, anything that warms you.

Quote from Kelly

Michael Scott: Okay. Let's do another one. This is a good one. A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary lifestyle which can contribute-
Toby: Sedentary.
Michael Scott: Yes. Which can contribute to heart disease. Heart disease kills more people than balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael Scott: No. No, it's sedentary.
Lonny: Yeah, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: That's what we've been trying to tell you, Mike. It's serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness. Nerf ball. You live a sweet little nerfy life sitting on your biscuit never having to risk it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?
Pam: I don't understand the question.
Michael Scott: Working in an office can lead to depression, which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler. And yet those guys are making fun of me, calling me a Nerf. That-
Pam: It's really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals.
Michael Scott: Yeah. You are so right. They have visual aids and all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball and your hair sticks up straight. And you know science.
Pam: So, you're okay?
Michael Scott: Indubitably.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Idiots! God, what are we going to do?
Michael Scott: I don't know. I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wolves.
Michael Scott: Depression.
Dwight K. Schrute: Visual aids.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: A quilt. A depression quilt.
Michael Scott: No time to sew a quilt.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Ready?
Michael Scott: Let's do it. Drop that sucker.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Bingo!
[The watermelon bounces off the trampoline and lands on a car roof. The alarm starts blaring.]
Michael Scott: Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Got it.
Michael Scott: Also, take apart the trampoline. Stick it in the baler.
Dwight K. Schrute: We're not allowed to use the baler.
Michael Scott: Have Padge do it or the sea monster.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm on it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: It means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Andy: Anything.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle.
Andy: You mean a Moonbounce.
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you think? You've got an hour.
Andy: I'm going to need petty cash.
Dwight K. Schrute: Shunning resumed.
Andy: Do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight K. Schrute: Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say, but yes.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Good morning, Pam.
Pam: Oh, welcome back, Andy.
Andy: Drew. I'm Drew now.
Pam: Oh, Drew. Sorry.
Andy: Apology not accepted. Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Morning, Jim.
Pam: Hey, Andy. How are you, man?
Andy: Good. Drew.
Jim: What's that?
Andy: You can call me Drew.
Jim: No, I'm not gonna call you that.
Andy: Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.
Jim: Andy.
Andy: Drew.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Tell him that that's not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. No, Jim.
Jim: You guys.
Dwight K. Schrute: Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim, tell him!
Jim: Andy... No, it's too far.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn you.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Now, this is the forklift. You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers can't drive it. Quiz. Mike. Should you drive the forklift.
Michael Scott: I can and I have.
Darryl: No, no, no! I said, "Should you?" You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift. You understand?
Lonny: You're not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl: It's not safe. You don't have a license.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift. Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge: Madge.
Michael Scott: I thought your name was Pudge.
Madge: No. It's always been Madge.
Michael Scott: Okay. Um, her.
Darryl: Her? Yes, "Her" is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not.

Quote from Michael Scott

Darryl: The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah!
Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael Scott: Bale 'er? I hardly know her.
Lonny: Damn it, Michael, pay attention, man.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: These are very dangerous machines down here and the upstairs workers - Michael - should not go anywhere near them.
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world-
Darryl: It would be the worst thing in the world. It would.
Lonny: What the hell is wrong with this man?
Darryl: Very much so.
Michael Scott: It's a big red trash compactor.
Darryl: It's not a trash compactor! It's very dangerous, okay.
Lonny: Don't disrespect a baler, Mike.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Toby now has the floor and he is going to try not to screw this up like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl.

Quote from Darryl

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what, I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. Sorry. He is very lame. Let's see. Um. Seasonal affective disorder. A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.
Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?
Michael Scott: Okay. Guys, you know what? I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.
Darryl: Actually, you did.

Quote from Ryan

Lonny: I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Kelly: Ryan!
Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
Kelly: What?
Ryan: Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly: Are you kidding me?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well, big deal! I worked in a warehouse. Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. He'd probably make them feel like wimps. Not me, I- "Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." That's just one example.

Quote from Pam

Kevin: Ten.
Oscar: Really? Ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant.
Jim: There's, like, ten green ones.
Oscar: Forty-two.
Jim: I'm going to say 50.
Karen: Fifty-one.
Jim: Oh, don't be that person.
Kevin: That is lame.
Karen: It's a strategy.
Pam: It's called being smart.

Quote from Kevin

Pam: Forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine. Jim wins.
Kevin: That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You may be asking yourself what am I doing on a trampoline? Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress and then move on with my day. Not. Here's a plan. Dwight is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys and we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Michael? Oh, my God, he is on the roof. And now I have got their attention. I tell them about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, "Hey, you ever seen a suicide?" And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note, they might think, "Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael." But that's not why I'm doing this. Then I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner, ta-freaking-da.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, let's do this thing! I'll go summon the troops!
Michael Scott: Maybe we should test this first. Letterman style. Throw a TV over or-
Dwight K. Schrute: We measured it once.
Michael Scott: Go buy some watermelons.
Dwight K. Schrute: Seedless?
Michael Scott: Just-

Quote from Creed

Toby: Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.
Pam: Hey, Creed.
Creed: Hey.
[As Pam distracts Creed, Jim swaps the apple with the potato. Creed doesn't notice and continues eating.]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey! Guys, listen up, Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
Andy: Whoa. What's the situation?
Dwight K. Schrute: Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy: Okay, when is the shunning thing going to end?
Dwight K. Schrute: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die.
Stanley: Is it nice outside? It's gorgeous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's go!
Stanley: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, it really is. It's very nice. Come on!
Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long-sleeved tee?
Stanley: Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

Quote from Kevin

Pam: What are the odds that this is in any way real?
Jim: I'd say, like, 10,000 to one.
Kevin: Okay, I'd like 10 bucks on those odds.

Quote from Michael Scott

Creed: [zipping up his pants] Hey, check it out, there's a castle over there.
Jim: Oh, my God, there is a castle.
Dwight K. Schrute: [through megaphone] No. There's nothing to see over there, people. There's nothing to see. They found the castle, Michael.
Michael Scott: Damn it!

Quote from Pam

Pam: Oh, God. Oh, my God, he's going to jump.
Jim: Oh. He's going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Hey, Michael, don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that 'cause you're going to get horribly, horribly injured.
Pam: [through megaphone] Hey, Michael, I have a present for you but you have to come down and get it.
Michael Scott: What is it?
Pam: Come down and open it and you'll see.
Michael Scott: Dwight, find out what the present is.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I don't see anything. She might be bluffing.
Pam: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh. It's a A Repliee-Q-One-Expo female robot. They're only available in Japan.
Michael Scott: Dwight, you are such a liar.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: [through megaphone] Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're going to seriously hurt yourself.
Michael Scott: You told me that I lead a- A cushy, wimpy Nerf life.
Darryl: Yeah. But I never said you had nothing to live for.
Michael Scott: What do I have to live for?
Darryl: A lot of things. [looking for back-up] You- What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It's going good, right?
Michael Scott: It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand or what I want. The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl: Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.
Michael Scott: Do you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.
Michael Scott: I'm braver than you?
Darryl: Way braver. You Braveheart, man.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl: Come on down, okay?
Michael Scott: Okay. Pam, I'm coming down to get my present.


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