Michael Scott: Phyllis, you want to give it a shot?
Dwight K. Schrute: I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Michael Scott: There are five stages to grief, which are [clearly reading from his computer screen] denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And right now, out there, they are all denying the fact that they're sad, and that's hard, and it's making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance and, if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.

Michael Scott: Okay, I'm going to toss the ball to Pam.
Pam: Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.
Michael Scott: Wow. If you want to cry, that's okay.

Dwight K. Schrute: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better, now that I know what hold he had me in.

Michael Scott: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special, who died, and then I want you to say how they died. And you may cry if you like. That is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And, at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone. And I'm crying, and nobody can hear me because I am terribly, terribly, terribly alone.

Creed: It's a real shame about Ed, huh?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Must really have you thinking.
Creed: About what?
Michael Scott: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that.
Creed: Ed was decapitated.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?
Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6, he slides under an eighteen-wheeler, pop, it snaps right off.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is the way to go. Instant death, very smart.
Creed: You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What did I say?

Ryan: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin, Mufasa, was- He was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and we all took it really hard. All of us- kind of in the audience- of what happened.
Michael Scott: Do you want to talk about it any more?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me, like, an hour and a half to tell that whole story.

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!
Michael Scott: No! You can't get diseases from a bird!

Michael Scott: That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I'm sorry. Alone, out of the blue. Not even have his own head to comfort him.

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry. I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. It would have fit if he had given me another minute.