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38Quotes from ‘Grief Counseling’

The Office: Grief Counseling

304. Grief Counseling

Aired October 12, 2006

Michael struggles to deal with his grief when his former boss dies. Elsewhere, Jim goes the extra mile to help Karen get her favorite potato chips.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Phyllis, you want to give it a shot?
Dwight K. Schrute: I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better, now that I know what hold he had me in.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There are five stages to grief, which are [clearly reading from his computer screen] denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And right now, out there, they are all denying the fact that they're sad, and that's hard, and it's making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance and, if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Okay, I'm going to toss the ball to Pam.
Pam: Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.
Michael Scott: Wow. If you want to cry, that's okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special, who died, and then I want you to say how they died. And you may cry if you like. That is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And, at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone. And I'm crying, and nobody can hear me because I am terribly, terribly, terribly alone.

Quote from Creed

Creed: It's a real shame about Ed, huh?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Must really have you thinking.
Creed: About what?
Michael Scott: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that.
Creed: Ed was decapitated.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?
Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6, he slides under an eighteen-wheeler, pop, it snaps right off.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is the way to go. Instant death, very smart.
Creed: You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What did I say?

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin, Mufasa, was- He was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and we all took it really hard. All of us- kind of in the audience- of what happened.
Michael Scott: Do you want to talk about it any more?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me, like, an hour and a half to tell that whole story.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!
Michael Scott: No! You can't get diseases from a bird!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I'm sorry. Alone, out of the blue. Not even have his own head to comfort him.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry. I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. It would have fit if he had given me another minute.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse?
Ryan: Oh, no, thanks. I'm good.
Michael Scott: Well, it's okay. I'm going down.
Ryan: Yeah. Absolutely.
Michael Scott: All right, I'll be right back.
[Michael pretends to descend the stairs behind a bunch of boxes he stacked in the office]
Ryan: Awesome. Thank you.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, could you get me a pen from down in the warehouse?
Michael Scott: Don't mind if I do. See you in a minute.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay!
[Michael does it again, taking a pencil from Stanley's pot]
Michael Scott: There you go, fresh from the warehouse.
Pam: Hey, Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse?
Michael Scott: There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam.
Pam: But the warehouse coffee tastes so much better.
Ryan: Yeah. It's better.
Michael Scott: All right, okay.
[After Michael once again "descends" the stairs, he crawls along the floor to the kitchen]
Michael Scott: [to camera] I am like Bette Midler in For The Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.
[An exhausted Michael rises]
Pam: With cream and sugar?
Michael Scott: All right.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Is there anything I can do?
Michael Scott: Oh, gosh. What can anybody do, really? It's- He was almost 70. Circle of life.

Quote from Jim

Jim: What's up?
Karen: Oh, nothing. We're just out of Herr's chips.
Jim: Oh.
Karen: But don't worry about it. My snack food doesn't fall under the umbrella of your authority.
Jim: That's where you're wrong. I'm your project supervisor today and I have just decided that we're not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So I think we should go get some. Now, please.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So I'm not exactly sure how to say this-
Dwight K. Schrute: Ed was decapitated.
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: You said you didn't know how to say it.
Michael Scott: I didn't- He was driving on the road and he went under a truck and that's when his head was separated from the rest of him. Now, we'll let you know more as soon as I find out.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here.
Jan: [on the phone] I understand how you feel, Michael, I really do. So would it be helpful to give everyone the day off?
Michael Scott: You really don't get it, do you? You don't understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want, is a day off.
Jan: Well, what would you suggest?
Michael Scott: A statue.
Jan: Of Ed?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jan: I'm not sure that's realistic.
Michael Scott: Well, I think it would be very realistic. It would look just like him.
Jan: No, that's not-
Michael Scott: We could have his eyes light up. Could have his arms move.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is not a statue. That is a robot.
Michael Scott: I think that is a great way to honor Ed.
Dwight K. Schrute: And how big do you want this robot?
Michael Scott: Life-size.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Look, I gave him a 6- foot extension cord so he can't chase us.
Michael Scott: That's perfect.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam.
Phyllis: Okay, that's enough.
Michael Scott: What?
Stanley: We do not want to hear about this.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what? I didn't want to hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home. Wham! His cappa is detated from his head.
Stanley: You have just spit on my face.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what, there's something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here because we have lost a member of our family and you don't want to talk about it. You don't want to think about it, you just want to get back to work.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I was trying to throw this party once, and everyone was over for the weekend, and then my Uncle Bernie died. And so, me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so-
Michael Scott: Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. Do you think that this is a game?
Phyllis: Well, there is a ball-
Michael Scott: All right. We're starting over.
Stanley: No, I'm done.
Michael Scott: You are not leaving! No, we are not done!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: A dead bird should not be in the kitchen.
Michael Scott: We don't know if it's dead.
Kelly: No. That thing is dead.
Dwight K. Schrute: You want me to flush him?

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: When I was five, my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back, so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking, "I'm a little too old for this." And I was five.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'd also like to say a few words if that's okay.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam: What do we know about this bird? You might think, "Not much, it's just a bird. But we do know some things.
We know it was a local bird. Maybe it's that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above."
Kevin: I remember that. That was so funny.
Pam: And we know how he died, flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's not a songbird.
Pam: An impression, then. Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course we all know that doesn't mean he was alone, because I am sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten.
Angela: Amen.
[Dwight begins playing "On the Wings of Love" on his recorder]
Pam: [singing] Just smile for me and let the day begin You are the sunshine that lights my heart within

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by, cheer me up.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, did you hear the news?
Pam: The news that you just announced, that Ed died?
Michael Scott: Yeah.

Quote from Andy

Josh: What's going on with Fairfield County Schools? Karen, did you generate that price list?
Karen: Shoot. I will. I'm sorry.
Josh: Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure?
Jim: Oh, yeah, definitely.
Andy: [coughing] Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey.
Angela: Hi.
Dwight K. Schrute: If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: What the hell are you two talking about?
Michael Scott: Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan.
Jan: You know what, Michael? I've really tried with you today-
Michael Scott: Mm hm.
Jan: and I have to get back to work.
Michael Scott: Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.
Jim: So call me when you feel like having a real conversation.
Michael Scott: But Ed truck can't because he is-
Jan: Goodbye. [hangs up]
Michael Scott: Dead!

Quote from Karen

Andy: What are we doing? What's the game? I want in.
Jim: Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy: Did you check the vending machine?
Karen: Oh, the vending machines. How did we miss that?
Jim: I have no idea. We went right for the copier. And then we checked the fax machine.
Karen: Yeah, nothing there.
Andy: Did you check your butt?

Quote from Pam

Roy: How are you liking the new car?
Pam: Great.
Roy: Yeah? It sure is small. Got air bags?
Pam: I think so. I don't know. I was mainly focused on the cup-holders.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Hi, yeah. This is Mike from the West Side Market. Well, we had a shipment of Herr's Salt & Vinegar Chips and we ordered that about three weeks ago and haven't- Yeah. You have them in the warehouse? Great. What is my store number? Six. [Karen laughs] What? No. I'll call you back.
Karen: Shut up. Six?

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else?
Stanley: Nope.
Michael Scott: Oh, yes, Stanley, come on. Your turn. You have to go.
Stanley: I will not.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The guy who had my job has died and nobody cares! And he sat at my desk.
Toby: Michael, look, I know this is hard for you, but death's just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die and I had to keep going-
Michael Scott: How do you know?
Toby: What?
Michael Scott: That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing?
Toby: It was obvious.
Michael Scott: Was its heart beating? Toby, did you check it? No, of course you didn't. You're not a veterinarian! You don't know anything!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Attention, everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4:00 p.m. We will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird.
Meredith: I have a lot of work to do.
Michael Scott: Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith, but that is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird and now we are going to honor it.
Angela: But-
Michael Scott: No! No! No! That's enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. Find a box for him.

Quote from Karen

Karen: I'm calling a supermarket in Montreal.
Jim: Nice.
Karen: [on the phone] Bonjour. Je cherche des chips de la marque Herr's. Non? Ah... merci quand meme. Au revoir. [to Jim] Nope.
Jim: Sounded good.

Quote from Kelly

[Kelly is sobbing]
Michael Scott: It's okay. It's okay. Yes, I know, I know. It's been a tough day, but it's good to let it show.
Kelly: I mean, how many times do I have to confirm plans with Ryan for him to know that we have a date tonight?

Quote from Pam

Pam: Did I wake up this morning thinking I'd be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into.

Quote from Jim

Karen: Where'd you find them?
Jim: Where'd I find what?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I called the manufacturer, who referred me to the distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Guys, get a broom, let's clean this up. Grab a broom, you heard me. Mush!


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