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32Quotes from ‘The Cover-up’

The Office: The Cover-up

624. The Cover-up

Aired May 6, 2010

As Michael basks in the glow of his new relationship with Donna, some at the office think she may be cheating on him. Meanwhile, Darryl pranks Andy by leading him to believe there's a cover-up going on at Sabre.

Quote from Creed

Andy: Creed's head of quality assurance. So he'd definitely be wrapped up in this.
[separately to camera:]
Creed: So there I am, minding my own business and Darnell offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by Andy and go like this. [draws finger across neck] Darnell's a chump. I would have done it for anything. I've done a lot more for a lot less.

Quote from Stanley

Andy: Hey, Stanley. One of my clients just called and said that their Sabre printer started smoking and caught on fire.
Stanley: My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, I'm good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body?
Donna: [chuckles] Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about.
Dwight K. Schrute: Tractor pulling. Too bad there's not a tractor here.

Quote from Ryan

Kelly: Wait, that's crazy far. Are you sure she's not cheating?
Michael Scott: You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World: Scranton.
Kelly: Oh my God, this is super weird. When Ryan had two girlfriends, he used to take me to some diner in Hazelton just so the other girl wouldn't see.
Ryan: Some diner?! It was the Starlight Diner! It's in a LIFE magazine spread about Americana.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, that's easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It's stupid. I live in a fantasy world.
Jim: You do?
Michael Scott: Yes, Jim, I do. And I can't stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit.
Jim: But you didn't believe any of this was true five minutes ago.
Michael Scott: That's what makes it so wrong.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that's what's killing me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: You're back. What happened?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking.
Michael Scott: No, what happened with Donna?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, no. She's not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here. [near his groin]
Michael Scott: Ugh!
Dwight K. Schrute: Put your fingers here.
Michael Scott: No. No! Are you sure?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm positive. Yeah, oh, and here's your expense receipts right there.
Michael Scott: Who eats eight protein bars?
Dwight K. Schrute: People who don't trust egg whites.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she's coming over here and she's furious.
Michael Scott: What? No, she didn't say that.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, [pulls out notebook] "What is with him? He is crazy. I'm coming over there to talk to him." And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly.
Michael Scott: [quietly] I am not paying for that membership.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching?

Quote from Darryl

Andy: We're printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress. [Darryl is filming Andy's demonstration]
Darryl: You haven't even introduced yourself.
Andy: Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you're watching this, it's because I've turned State's witness because I'm in danger because I know too much.
Darryl: You should talk in a higher voice 'cause the camera makes you sound weird.
Andy: Higher? Okay. [speaking slightly higher] Recently certain events have come to my attention...
Darryl: Higher.
Andy: Make it higher? Okay.
Darryl: Mm-hmm.
Andy: [high-pitched] I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation...
Darryl: One more, yeah. [Again motions to go even higher]
Andy: [higher] May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger... [printer starts smoking and explodes] Ah! [speaking lower] It's working. [in normal voice] It's... I knew it!
Darryl: This... [removes camera headset]
Andy: We are blowin' the roof off! Blowin' the roof off! [Darryl aims fire extinguisher at printer] Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It's not funny. I'm just gonna be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Who is he?
Donna: What, what do you mean?
Michael Scott: The other man. Who's the guy? Who is it?
Donna: It's you. I'm married.
Michael Scott: I'm the mistress?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Who enjoys the weekends? Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone, which I do. I have Donna. She is hot. She has a Pilates butt. But we need to find something to do this weekend beside have sex. Did I say that? Yes, I did. And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I could do on the weekend. So just shout it out.
Stanley: I have an idea for your weekend.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Stanley: Let me get back to my desk right now.
Michael Scott: Okay, you get out of here, big dog. [high-fives Stanley] Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down. I need ideas.
Pam: Stanley got to go.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, Stanley doesn't help with anything.

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: And she won't say, "I love you."
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, no.
Andy: How many dates have you been on?
Michael Scott: Nine dates. I said it on the second date.
Oscar: That seems quick. Even for lesbians.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Does she keep her phone locked around you, Michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, Michael?
[aside to camera:]
Ryan: Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex? Does she-
[back:]
Michael Scott: Yeah, she does all that.
Ryan: Sorry, dude.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Michael, do not let your imagination run amok.
Michael Scott: Run what?
Pam: Amok. It means, don't let your imagination run out of control.
Michael Scott: Why didn't you just say that, Pam?
Pam: Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: [quietly] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator.
Dwight K. Schrute: I think I've got one for you. [hands Michael a business card]
Michael Scott: This is you. How much do you charge?
Dwight K. Schrute: $100 a day, plus expenses.
Michael Scott: I'll give you $50. Money's no object.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm just gonna warn you, and I say this to all my clients, you might not like what I find.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: And you might not like how I find it. [slides over table on his way out]

Quote from Darryl

Andy: [to Gabe] Let me know what they say.
Darryl: [puts newspaper down] Wow. That dude is good.
Andy: What do you mean?
Darryl: You didn't feel like he was hiding something?
Andy: I don't know.
Darryl: Like he was... covering something up? Maybe.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said "Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient."

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you.
Michael Scott: I know.
Pam: And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you're in.
Michael Scott: That's not true. [Pam stares him down] You're right, I ruin everything. And I've known some wonderful women. Holly, Carole, Jan.
Pam: Helene.
Michael Scott: Helene?
Pam: My mother.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Pam: My mother, Helene.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life.

Quote from Darryl

Andy: What's up? I got your e-mail.
Darryl: Close the door.
Andy: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I don't have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It's like jazz. [scatting] Andy don't mess with me. [continues scatting] I'll figure something out.
[back:]
Darryl: Some freaky stuff going on. I was walking behind Gabe and I heard some things.
Andy: Such as?
Darryl: It was kind of mumbled. I don't know. Uh, only thing I could make out clearly was "Andy," "Problem," "Eliminate," something. I don't know what it meant.
Andy: What? You don't know what it meant? How about "Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?"
Darryl: Whoa. I hadn't even thought of that.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Oh, hey, I love your earrings.
Donna: Thank you.
Kelly: Did Michael get them for you?
Donna: No, I bought them myself.
Kelly: Where?
Donna: Steamtown Mall.
Kelly: Claire's? Zales? Ricky's? Earring, Earrings? Fancy Girl? Platinum Cat? Where?
Donna: You know, I actually got them in Philadelphia, in a mall down there.
Kelly: Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governor's Place?
Donna: Uh, Franklin Mills.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Okay, heart-shaped jewelry is not something that a woman buys for herself. A man definitely bought it for her recently, and it wasn't Michael.
Jim: Wait, so are you... You like heart-shaped jewelry, though, right?
Pam: No. Except for the pendant that you bought me. Which I love.

Quote from Pam

Pam: So it turns out Donna and I have a Facebook friend of a friend in common, so I was able to see some of her pictures online. This was taken two weeks ago. And this was taken the same night. This photo was taken this morning. It's Cece. She's never gonna do anything wrong.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: It's bad.
Andy: What's bad?
Darryl: It's real bad.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: Still no plan.
[back:]
Andy: Oh, God.
Darryl: It's getting bigger.
Andy: I might have to go public here, but no one's gonna believe me. Uh... I need proof. I need, like, a printer to catch on fire.
Darryl: I can videotape it.
Andy: Yeah.
Darryl: [to camera] There it is.
Andy: There what is?
Darryl: What?

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: [to Andy] I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400,000. [smiles] We've investigated. Every time it's been user error. They block the vents or something, I don't know. That's why we have the fine print. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. So I'd like to reward you for that. [pulls out a gift card] That's god for five bucks at Dunkin' Donuts. Any Dunkin' Donuts.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How about Thursday?
Donna: Thursday works. Yeah, what do you wanna do?
Michael Scott: I can't do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday?
Donna: Oh, Friday doesn't work.
Michael Scott: Oh, really? 'cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It'd be a great, great concert.
Donna: Shoot. I'm working.
Michael Scott: Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by.
Donna: Well, won't you be at the concert?
Michael Scott: Nope, that's Tuesday.
Donna: Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday.
Michael Scott: You're cheating. You're cheating on me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, everybody, let's take this next hill.
Gym Instructor: Excuse me. Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me run this.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? You had your chance. You're no leader. Out of your seat, let's blast!
Gym Instructor: Don't listen to him, we're approaching a cool down down a gentle hill.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! The hill's a trap. Let's take the dirt road off to the side.
Gym Instructor: No, guys, no. We're just cooling down...
Dwight K. Schrute: If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one... jump! No! You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump. You're barely alive. Okay, now nice cool down. Check your pulse rate.

Quote from Jim

[Dwight notices Pam repeatedly clicking on her mouse and Jim doing the same with a pen]
Dwight K. Schrute: Stop it!
Jim: Stop what?
Dwight K. Schrute: You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha!
Jim: [chuckles] Yeah. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Yup. That's exactly what we did.
Pam: It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, "I will when you lose the baby weight."
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. [Pam clicks her stapler and Jim responds by tapping his keyboard rhythmically] Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!
Michael Scott: Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?
Jim: It's a pen.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, come on.
Michael Scott: Get back to work, Dwight. Please.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine. Hey. Tap away. [After Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on, Pam and Jim start to blink in rhythm]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, things with Donna are so... oh-ho-ho! They're going great. I, uh- We're just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and... orally. And I am not used to relationships going this well. I'm actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out.
Andy: Walk around apple orchards.
Michael Scott: Oh!
Andy: Super romantic.
Michael Scott: That's fun.
Dwight K. Schrute: Eel fishing.
Michael Scott: All right.
Darryl: Curl up with your favorite DVD.
Meredith: You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three.
Michael Scott: We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro. Um, P.F. Chang's.
Kelly: Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang's when we have the Great Wall in Scranton.
Michael Scott: Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, "I wanna go to Mount Pocono," you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI.

Quote from Gabe

Andy: Hey, Gabe I need to talk to you about something. It's really important.
Gabe: There's no way that you guys have any almond butter, right?
Andy: Yeah, I don't know. Look, one of my clients called. He was in the middle of a big printing job and the back of the printer started smoking and then the paper tray caught on fire.
Gabe: That's weird. I haven't heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves.
Andy: What are we gonna do about this?
Gabe: I don't know. Call HQ, see if they know anything. Yeah. That's what I'll do today. All right. Yeah.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Wow, it's a little early for ice cream, don't you think?
Michael Scott: It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives.
Pam: Oh!...
Jim: Oh, my God.
Michael Scott: It's comfort food, all right? [disgustedly] God.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: We'll see what Dwight says.
Pam: Why do we have to see what Dwight says?
Michael Scott: Because I have him investigating her. I'm waiting for a text update.
Jim: Michael, no.
Pam: No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that.
Michael Scott: It's too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok.


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