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‘Baby Shower’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Office: Baby Shower

504. Baby Shower

Aired October 16, 2008

Michael encourages the office to throw a baby shower for Jan, unaware she's already given birth.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler. And with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.


Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Is this it? I mean, is this two bowls of M&M's and some balloons? You know what, Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you, a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too.
I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry. You think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Quote from Jan

Jan: [singing] Being good isn't always easy No matter how hard I try When he started sweet-talking to me He'd come and tell me everything is all right He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right. Can I get away again tonight The only one

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So are we set for refreshments?
Angela: Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&M's with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name "Chevy." That was me. And this is the girl bowl, with M&M's with the name "Astird."
Phyllis: That can't be right.
Angela: Michael wrote down "Astird."
Michael Scott: She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
Meredith: Ass turd.
Michael Scott: I know. I know. It is beautiful.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It does not matter to me at all, whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is- It's so bizarre and unnatural, but it happens.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ahoy, matey.
Holly: Ahoy!
Michael Scott: So, how you doing?
Holly: Good.
Michael Scott: Listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy. The child of which I have a vested interest. So, it's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly fat and enormous right now extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. Um. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way.
Holly: Of course.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So this is Astird?
Jan: Astrid.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. Why didn't you call me?
Jan: Well, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and-
Michael Scott: I could have helped.
Jan: And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there.
Michael Scott: That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways.

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: Ready to play some games? Let's do it!
Kevin: Michael, the baby's already been born.
Michael Scott: Uh, duh.
Kevin: So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them.
Michael Scott: No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, okay? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do.
Kevin: Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: $1,200 is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible.

Quote from Jan

Jan: [singing] How well I remember The look that was in his eyes Stealing kisses from me on the sly Taking time to make time Telling me that he's all mine Learning from each other's knowing Looking to see how much we've grown. And the only...

Quote from Jan

Andy: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
Jan: Well, actually, I had a tub birth. And it was really quite amazing.
Angela: You gave birth in a tub?
Jan: Yeah. It's a- It's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb.
Kelly: So you're in the tub with everything?
Jan: Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats.
Creed: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan: Oh, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Stanley: [eating cake] I'm done.
Oscar: Me too.
Jan: And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth.

Quote from Darryl

Michael Scott: Hey guys.
Darryl: What's up, Mike?
Michael Scott: Uh. I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.
Darryl: [chuckling] You, a baby daddy?
Michael Scott: Yeah. I, a baby daddy. Um. When you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?
Darryl: Hell yeah. You know why? 'Cause that was my baby.
Michael Scott: Oh, I just saw this baby daddy-
Darryl: You should stop calling yourself "baby daddy".
Michael Scott: Why, Darryl? Because I'm quote white quote unquote?
Darryl: Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby. You feel connected to his baby over there?
Michael Scott: It's- That's different.
Darryl: You feel connected to this?
Michael Scott: That's not a baby.
Darryl: You want to hold me, to see how you feel?

Quote from Holly

Jan: Oh, I was just catching up on my sleep.
Holly: I can imagine.
Jan: Where's Astrid?
Holly: Oh, I think she's on a sales call.
Jan: On a what?
Holly: Waa! More paper! Waa! [laughing] No, she's just on a coffee break.
Jan: [sarcastically] That's funny.
Holly: She's with Angela.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: You still gonna be mean to me? [Michael hugs Holly]
Michael Scott: You wanna go out?
Holly: Yes.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Okay, I'm collecting for the baby shower.
Kevin: But Phyllis, it's not his baby.
Phyllis: I know, Kevin.
Oscar: Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?
Phyllis: Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Contractions are coming every 10 minutes.
Michael Scott: Okay, just remember to keep breathing.
Dwight K. Schrute: My cervix is ripening.
Michael Scott: Okay, good.

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