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37Quotes from ‘Baby Shower’

The Office: Baby Shower

504. Baby Shower

Aired October 16, 2008

Michael encourages the office to throw a baby shower for Jan, unaware she's already given birth.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler. And with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Is this it? I mean, is this two bowls of M&M's and some balloons? You know what, Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you, a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too.
I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry. You think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Quote from Jan

Jan: [singing] Being good isn't always easy No matter how hard I try When he started sweet-talking to me He'd come and tell me everything is all right He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right. Can I get away again tonight The only one

Quote from Jim

Jim: Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So are we set for refreshments?
Angela: Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&M's with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name "Chevy." That was me. And this is the girl bowl, with M&M's with the name "Astird."
Phyllis: That can't be right.
Angela: Michael wrote down "Astird."
Michael Scott: She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
Meredith: Ass turd.
Michael Scott: I know. I know. It is beautiful.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It does not matter to me at all, whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is- It's so bizarre and unnatural, but it happens.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Okay, I'm collecting for the baby shower.
Kevin: But Phyllis, it's not his baby.
Phyllis: I know, Kevin.
Oscar: Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?
Phyllis: Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ahoy, matey.
Holly: Ahoy!
Michael Scott: So, how you doing?
Holly: Good.
Michael Scott: Listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy. The child of which I have a vested interest. So, it's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly fat and enormous right now extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. Um. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way.
Holly: Of course.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So this is Astird?
Jan: Astrid.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. Why didn't you call me?
Jan: Well, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and-
Michael Scott: I could have helped.
Jan: And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there.
Michael Scott: That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways.

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: Ready to play some games? Let's do it!
Kevin: Michael, the baby's already been born.
Michael Scott: Uh, duh.
Kevin: So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them.
Michael Scott: No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, okay? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do.
Kevin: Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: $1,200 is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible.

Quote from Jan

Jan: [singing] How well I remember The look that was in his eyes Stealing kisses from me on the sly Taking time to make time Telling me that he's all mine Learning from each other's knowing Looking to see how much we've grown. And the only...

Quote from Jan

Andy: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
Jan: Well, actually, I had a tub birth. And it was really quite amazing.
Angela: You gave birth in a tub?
Jan: Yeah. It's a- It's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb.
Kelly: So you're in the tub with everything?
Jan: Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats.
Creed: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan: Oh, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Stanley: [eating cake] I'm done.
Oscar: Me too.
Jan: And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth.

Quote from Darryl

Michael Scott: Hey guys.
Darryl: What's up, Mike?
Michael Scott: Uh. I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.
Darryl: [chuckling] You, a baby daddy?
Michael Scott: Yeah. I, a baby daddy. Um. When you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?
Darryl: Hell yeah. You know why? 'Cause that was my baby.
Michael Scott: Oh, I just saw this baby daddy-
Darryl: You should stop calling yourself "baby daddy".
Michael Scott: Why, Darryl? Because I'm quote white quote unquote?
Darryl: Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby. You feel connected to his baby over there?
Michael Scott: It's- That's different.
Darryl: You feel connected to this?
Michael Scott: That's not a baby.
Darryl: You want to hold me, to see how you feel?

Quote from Holly

Jan: Oh, I was just catching up on my sleep.
Holly: I can imagine.
Jan: Where's Astrid?
Holly: Oh, I think she's on a sales call.
Jan: On a what?
Holly: Waa! More paper! Waa! [laughing] No, she's just on a coffee break.
Jan: [sarcastically] That's funny.
Holly: She's with Angela.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: You still gonna be mean to me? [Michael hugs Holly]
Michael Scott: You wanna go out?
Holly: Yes.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Contractions are coming every 10 minutes.
Michael Scott: Okay, just remember to keep breathing.
Dwight K. Schrute: My cervix is ripening.
Michael Scott: Okay, good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael! My water's breaking!
Michael Scott: Okay! Okay!
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you do?
Michael Scott: I get a call from Jan and meet her at the hospital.
Dwight K. Schrute: Right. Highways or surface roads?
Michael Scott: I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!
Michael Scott: I checked the route, there are no potholes.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's about adapting to the circumstances.
Michael Scott: Andy, would you like to have my baby?
Andy: Yes! Yes!
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Okay, I'm crowning! I'm crowning!
Michael Scott: All right. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go!
Dwight K. Schrute: The pressure! The pressure!
Michael Scott: Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Just keep pushing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hold me!
Michael Scott: I'm right here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Cradle my head!
Michael Scott: I'm right here!
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm screaming, I'm screaming!
Michael Scott: All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe.
Dwight K. Schrute: Numb me up. I want anesthesia!
Michael Scott: Ssh. No, you can't have it. It's too late.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I don't want natural!
Michael Scott: You have to just push it out! Okay! Keep simulating.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you have the Sharpie? Do you have the Sharpie?
Michael Scott: Yes, I do!
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy.
Michael Scott: OK.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ready?
Michael Scott: Yes. It's coming! Here we go! [drops watermelon to the ground] God! What was on that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Butter. Newborns are slippery.
Michael Scott: Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again. [later, while eating watermelon] It is going to be the happiest day of my life.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello ladies, how is my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks?
Phyllis: Um, no.
Michael Scott: Damn it, Phyllis! I'm sorry. [softly] Damn it, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come.

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.
Michael Scott: [knocking on the glass] Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them.
Phyllis: Sorry.
Michael Scott: Make the party. Don't. Make the party, please.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [on the phone] So you know Stacy, right?
Jim: Right. The one from England.
Pam: There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland. This is Stacy, the one who does the Maira Kalman-style collages.
Jim: Right, that style.
Pam: So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab. Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in.
Jim: Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen?
Pam: No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like 30 sec to finish this and get to DigiPres.
Jim: Okay, okay.
Pam: So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, "No way. You can't reserve seats." And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box.
Jim: No way!
Pam: Yes!
Jim: That's hilarious?
Pam: No, it was horrible! Jim, she might get arrested.
Jim: Who, Stacy?
Pam: No, Stacy is a boy! Urgh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me? Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting.
Jim: OK, I'll ta- [disconnects] I'll talk to you later. That was a good story.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?

Quote from Angela

Andy: I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here?
Angela: It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose. Check it out.
Andy: Aww. Who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?
Angela: That's Phyllis.
Andy: Well... It is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.
Andy: Why would that make me a pervert?
Angela: Well, it does. That's me.
Andy: That's not you.
Angela: Yes it is.
Andy: That's mean, come on, that's...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: As-
Jan: -trid.
Michael Scott: -trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're gonna know them for the rest of your life.
Jan: Well-
Michael Scott: [looking at Creed] Well, he may not be here. Say hello! OK, here we go. Lion King!
Jan: Michael, Michael! That's- That's too high. I'll take that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Are you OK? You seem kind of-
Michael Scott: I'm fine, weirdo. Such an HR weirdo. Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents. I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes.
Jan: Thank you. That's very sweet.
Michael Scott: Whatta we got?
Angela: We all chipped in and got you this stroller.
Jan: Thank you.
Michael Scott: She already has a stroller.
Kelly: And this is way worse than the stroller she came with.
Oscar: She's got an Orbit, that's a $1,200 stroller.
Dwight K. Schrute: Pfft. $1,200 for a stroller?

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] Hey. You busy?
Pam: Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month.
Jim: Okay, you gotta hear this. So, Jan's shower is going on right now, she's singing Son of a Preacher Man-
Pam: I can't hear anything-
Jim: Everyone's just staring at her.
Pam: There's like machines going.
Jim: The song is about losing your virginity next to a church, and guess what, she's been singing for the last 20 minutes!
Pam: I can't hear anything!
Jim: Oh. Okay, well you know what, I- Well, just call me later.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just a little out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Don't hit the fence. Oh, no. My child! Don't get stuck on the barbed wire! Playtime is over!

Quote from Jan

Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. [getting emotional] And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this. I could have helped.
Jan: I know you're sad about this. And I wish that I, but- Would it help if you held Astrid for just a little bit?
Michael Scott: Uh, yeah.
Jan: I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted, so... Remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in 20.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt shortchanged.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: Michael, I need your help.
Michael Scott: I was just going to I was going to talk to Holly, about her hygiene. She smells like old tomatoes and dirt.
Jan: Oh, come on.

Quote from Jan

Jan: You know what? There is- There is one more thing that you can do for me. Don't date Holly.
Michael Scott: What? That's- I hate her. Why? God! Why would you even ask me to- I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but wha- Okay. All right. Fine.
Jan: Thanks for the baby shower.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [as Pam phones him and hits voice mail] Hey, it's Jim. Leave a message.
Pam: Hi.
Pam: [as Jim phones her at the same time and hits voice mail] Hi, this is Pam. Leave a message.
Jim: Hey, it's me. It is 5:03.
Pam: I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but...
Jim: You must be out or something.
Pam: I'll leave a message.
Jim: Is it me, or are we just a little off today?
Pam: I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better.
Jim: Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues.
Pam: I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you.
Jim: Hey, you remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?
Pam: And then, remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer and dryer?
Jim: Yet here you are, back in a Laundromat. Now, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe.
Pam: You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now. But, don't worry, I'm being safe. And I'm headed home. I'm headed to my dorm. Not home.
Jim: Wish you were home. Uh, anyway...
Pam: Anyway, um... I miss you.
Jim: I miss you.


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