Michael Scott: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler. And with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

Michael Scott: Is this it? I mean, is this two bowls of M&M's and some balloons? You know what, Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well, you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?

Dwight K. Schrute: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.

Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too.
I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry. You think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Jan: [singing] Being good isn't always easy No matter how hard I try When he started sweet-talking to me He'd come and tell me everything is all right He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right. Can I get away again tonight The only one

Michael Scott: So are we set for refreshments?
Angela: Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&M's with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name "Chevy." That was me. And this is the girl bowl, with M&M's with the name "Astird."
Phyllis: That can't be right.
Angela: Michael wrote down "Astird."
Michael Scott: She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
Meredith: Ass turd.
Michael Scott: I know. I know. It is beautiful.

Jim: Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.

Michael Scott: It does not matter to me at all, whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is- It's so bizarre and unnatural, but it happens.

Michael Scott: Ahoy, matey.
Holly: Ahoy!
Michael Scott: So, how you doing?
Holly: Good.
Michael Scott: Listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy. The child of which I have a vested interest. So, it's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly fat and enormous right now extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. Um. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way.
Holly: Of course.

Dwight K. Schrute: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.