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‘Suit Warehouse’ Quotes

The Office: Suit Warehouse

911. Suit Warehouse

Aired January 17, 2013

Dwight and Clark pretend to be father and son for a sales call to a family business. Meanwhile, Darryl and Pam visit Jim's new workplace in Philadelphia, while the Scranton office gets an espresso machine.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They're a family owned business. [chuckles] Jim and I used to clean up at those. We'd go in pretending to be family, brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Schrupert. I was the dynamic, likable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that. But I knew.

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Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Damn! Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here man. You Zuckerberged this place out!

Quote from Clark

Oscar: Hey, look who's back, Dwight Junior.
Kevin: Hey, so how was it? I mean... the sex with Jan.
Clark: A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved.
[aside to camera:]
Clark: Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it was... like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was, uh, like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.

Quote from Oscar

Clark: Uh, I have a gift from Jan. It's an espresso maker! We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast so... bon appetite.
Phyllis: Ooh! 16 types of espresso! Now that's Italian.
Oscar: My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time.
Meredith: Always with the friends, Oscar. Can't we just enjoy the new espresso machine?
Oscar: Actually, it's pronounced "espresso"... Wait. That's what you said. I apologize, I just assumed you would mispronounce it. So...

Quote from Erin

Erin: The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I'm not one of those people who's just like, "Uh, sure. I'll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand... they are just sitting here. Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them. Don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Ah! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now, it's insane! I'm sorry, what was your question again? Oh yeah. No, I've never had an espresso before. They're good though.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Ah! So, this is what 2:00 P.M. looks like around here!
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I usually take a siesta about now.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [on the phone] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of "Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire".
Jim: Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, god, this again? You're Stinky.
Jim: Okay. There's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.
Dwight K. Schrute: Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity.
Phyllis: I have ears, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [on phone] See what you leave me with here, Jim?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: [on the phone] Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.
Dwight K. Schrute: How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Jim: Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
Dwight K. Schrute: Mmm. That's a good... question. 300 times... [Jim hangs up] 180... [dial tone] Um, that comes to 25 minutes. ... Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you. [puts phone down]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: There he is! [chuckles] We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but...
Clark: If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission.
Dwight K. Schrute: Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh... No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that?
Clark: [sarcastically chuckling] I loved it.
Dwight K. Schrute: How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?
Clark: If it'll lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then looks like we have a deal, son.

Quote from Pam

Pam: You ready for your interview?
Darryl: I was born ready! No, I suck at interviews. I had Andy's job in the bag until my interview.
Pam: Well, you shouldn't be nervous about this. This is a tiny start-up with a bunch of guys just as dorky as Jim.
Darryl: Yeah, I guess.
Pam: Really, you can't be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but he's basically Gumby with hair.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Sam Stone, Sr.: It's kind of funny, a father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we boy?
Clark: No, we sure hadn't, Pop. [both chuckle]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, you're a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh?
Clark: He calls me Clarky ‘cause he's my dad.
Dwight K. Schrute: Guilty!
Sam Stone, Sr.: You don't meet many hunters these days.
Clark: My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean, he's like a serial killer... of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right of. It was sick! [Dwight mimes sawing and blood spurting out]
Dwight K. Schrute: It was his birthday, just turned three. So...
Sam Stone, Sr.: Ah...

Quote from Kevin

Oscar: You guys, I kind of think I want to try them all. Is that crazy?
Nellie: No. Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder?
Kevin: Taste test? I'm in!
Oscar: YOLO! [singing and dancing]
Phyllis: What?
Oscar: It's a thing. It means "you only live once".
Kevin: Yeah, we're aware of what it means, Oscar. You just do not look cool saying it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark's getting out of my car. He's a good boy, does whatever I say.
Sam Stone, Sr.: [sighs] I can't relate to that, my son hates my guts.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really?
Sam Stone, Sr.: Bring him into the business, and he resents me. How do you like that?
Dwight K. Schrute: [fumbling] Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that they're not even good. Really, they're bad. Like you and your son.
Clark: [enters] Here you go, Pop! I know it was just a couple minutes, but... God I missed you!
Dwight K. Schrute: What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie?
Clark: [confused] I sure was. Just like he taught me, looking cool.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're being disrespectful!
Clark: ...And I love you, for saying that.
Dwight K. Schrute: [whispers to Clark] We don't get along.
Clark: Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth is... our relationship is... terr-
Dwight K. Schrute: Terrible!
Clark: Terrible.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius!

Quote from Darryl

Pam: Wow, this place is so great. I had no idea. On the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky.
Jim: Well, I mean, I don't even have the paycheck yet. It is a startup, so... These things go down all the time.
Darryl: If this company's going down, I wanna go down on it. With it. I wanna go down with it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Clark: So for your menswear catalog, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing.
Sam Stone, Sr.: I heard that before...
Clark: Well, I understand, but–
Dwight K. Schrute: I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son.
Clark: Here we go again, another lecture from the old man.
Sam Stone, Sr.: Listen to him. He created you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Maybe if you listened a little bit, you'd improve. No wonder women despise you.
Clark: Women don't despise me.
Dwight K. Schrute: oh. His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam's apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldn't see it, or didn't wanna see it.
Clark: Alright, that's enough, ‘cause I can say some things about him, too.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah? Like what?
Clark: Like the time that you got drunk and, and then... killed those kids on their way to prom!
Dwight K. Schrute: That never happened. He's always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid and ge got caught "saving treats" from the kitty litter box.
Sam Stone, Sr.: Really shameful...
Clark: So we can offer you matte or glossy printing-
Dwight K. Schrute: Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.
Clark: There's obviously a volume discount uh, if you-
Dwight K. Schrute: Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going "Please kitty, may I have some more?" You can't make this stuff up!
Clark: No, I think someone could make it up. Someone with very few friends.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Sam Stone, Jr.: Hey fellas, sorry to keep you waiting.
Sam Stone, Sr.: There he is, my son.
Dwight K. Schrute: [scoffs] Got cat turd collector written all over him.
Sam Stone, Jr.: Did you say cat turd collector?

Quote from Clark

Sam Stone, Jr.: I'm sorry, you guys are here to sell us paper?
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you mind? The men are talking.
Sam Stone, Sr.: Sons used to idolize their fathers.
Dwight K. Schrute: Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract?
Sam Stone, Jr.: I'd love to! Sam Junior here, he runs the business now. Kind of pushed me out, truth be told. I'm just here for human contract.
Sam Stone, Jr.: Okay Pop...
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, so you're the boss?
Sam Stone, Jr.: That's right.
Clark: Hi, I'm Clark.
Sam Stone, Jr.: Hey.
Clark: Let's talk.
Sam Stone, Jr.: Okay.
Clark: So if you look at our catalog here...

Quote from Clark

Clark: I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change. Check out my dad's suit. You are looking at pure acrylic. That's why his face always breaks out.
Sam Stone, Jr.: Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? [Clark chuckles]
Clark: You know what, Dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit. I mean, I'm going to need one right? If I'm ever going to get a "real job" and move my "lazy ass" out of your "G.D. house".
Sam Stone, Jr.: He's got you there.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Sam Stone, Jr.: [to Clark in dressing room] That's Italian silk. Very comfortable. Very tasteful... Although expensive.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, you don't want Italian. You'll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you'll be doing life in Rikers Island.
Clark: Well, that's better than looking like the undertaker from boring island.
Dwight K. Schrute: That place doesn't exist. It's not a documented island. Ha ha, cartograph much?
Clark: How do I look?
Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, you look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? I'll take one, too.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Clark: You opened the door.
Dwight K. Schrute: And you closed it. The boys are back in town. High fives! Ha ha!
Clark: Hey, so all that really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: You got me! I used to collect them.
Clark: Why?
Dwight K. Schrute: Each one is very different, like a snowflake.


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