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30Quotes from ‘Sexual Harassment’

The Office: Sexual Harassment

202. Sexual Harassment

Aired September 27, 2005

Corporate orders Toby to host a review of the branch's sexual harassment policies.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am "King of Forwards." It's how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We're like Friends. I am Chandler and Joey. And Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Man, that Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim: Except pass that breathalyzer.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Attention, everyone. Hello. Yes, I just want you to know that, this is not my decision, but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work-associated things. And you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer ever do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include "that's what she said"?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jim: Wow, that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so-
Michael Scott: That's what she said!

Quote from Todd

Ryan: You a big William Hung fan?
Todd: Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?

Quote from Jim

Jim: 'cause I have a lot of questions.
Pam: Oh, really?
Jim: Yeah. "As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?"

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, what is a lawyer gonna come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious e-mails? Or not tell jokes?
Toby: Maybe not some of them, maybe not inappropriate ones.
Michael Scott: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.

Quote from Phyllis

Meredith: What about office romance?
Todd: Office relationships are never a good idea. So let's just try to avoid them, but if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.
Phyllis: All relationships? Even a one-night stand?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What do you say? Jim?
Jim: No thanks, I'm good.
Michael Scott: That's what she said. Pam?
Pam: My mother's coming.
Michael Scott: That's what she said. [chuckles] No, but, okay, well, suit yourself.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [to Todd] I don't have any DUIs, so I can drive myself, but thanks.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When I said before that I was "King of Forwards," you gotta understand, that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just delivering drugs from one guy to another.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm so used to being the "bad boy." I am so used to fighting corporate, that I forget that I am corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney, to protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look, Kevin, we are a family here, and Phyllis is a valued member of that family, like a grandmother.
Phyllis: I'm the same age as you, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, I don't know about that.
Phyllis: We're the same high school class-
Michael Scott: Well, I have a late birthday, and usually September is the cut-off point.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: So, the monkey does the sex thing right here.
Michael Scott: That's funny. That's funny. Not offensive, because it's nature, educational.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you want the link? 'Cause then you could forward it around. [Michael hems and haws] Consider it?
Michael Scott: Maybe, maybe. Well, we'll see.

Quote from Todd

Todd: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? This guy!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Todd Packer and I are total "BFF." "Best Friends Forever." He and I came up together as salesmen.
One time, we were out, and we met this set of twins, and Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought them back to the motel, and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes!
Michael Scott: Forward it like it's hot, forward it like it's hot. Old school.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes, Toby?
Toby: I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds.
Michael Scott: [clears throat] Literally two seconds?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?" [laughs] This is what's at stake.

Quote from Angela

Michael Scott: Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't, because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously.
Angela: E-mail forwards.
Michael Scott: Exactly. Can we afford to lose e-mail forwards? Do we want that?
Angela: I hate them. You send me these filthy e-mails, and you say, "Forward them to 10 people or you'll have bad luck."

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Stanley? How about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we gonna just take it away?
Stanley: That is my daughter, she goes to Catholic girls' school. I'm taking it down right now.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey! We have to watch Toby's video that he's showing us, in order to brainwash us, and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Gonna be fun. Got microwave pizza.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Toby: Sure.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where is the clitoris? On a website it said, "At the crest of the labia." What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley. I know a lot of lawyer jokes.
Mr. O'Malley: I love lawyer jokes.
Michael Scott: Well, it's probably because you don't get them.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line, and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.
Kevin: You mean, where my desk is?
Michael Scott: Yes, your corner, go.
Kevin: Okay. I have a lot of work to do, anyway.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. And know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person. Come here, give me a kiss, come on.
Phyllis: Michael, come on, you don't have to worry. I'm not gonna report you to HR.
Michael Scott: I'm not- I'm not worried! You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
[later:]
Pam: He said what?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, what's up?
Jim: Hey.
Michael Scott: Any e-mails today?
Jim: I don't think so.
Michael Scott: No? Check your spam folder.
Jim: Oh, there it is.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim: "Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson." [Michael laughs] Well done. Kidding. Topical.

Quote from Kevin

Todd: Pam?
Pam: I just wanted to say that, just, my mom's coming in today.
Kevin: M...ILF.
Pam: Thanks, Kevin.


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