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‘Mafia’ Quotes

The Office: Mafia

606. Mafia

Aired October 15, 2009

Dwight and Andy help a worried Michael deal with an insurance salesman he fears is a mobster. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam can't escape the office drama even on their honeymoon.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day, I came in, and I just stayed, 'cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.

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Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Okay, who else is here? [to camera:] Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The coalition for reason is extremely weak.

Quote from Michael Scott

Waitress: Have you decided?
Mr. Grotti: I'll have the linguine, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
Waitress: Okay, sir. And for you, sir?
Michael Scott: I will have the gabba-gool.
Waitress: The what?
Michael Scott: The gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't- I don't really know what that is.
Andy: You know, gabba-gool.
Michael Scott: I don't have to have that.
Dwight K. Schrute: What he's trying to say is gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't really think that we have that.
Michael Scott: That's okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bring him the gabba-gool!
Michael Scott: I will have the spaghetti. With a side salad.
Waitress: Okay.
Michael Scott: If the salad is on top, I will send it back.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia, it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. And bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying, per se. But I would just get really quiet all of a sudden.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: The weekend.
Michael Scott: Yeah! That's good. Come on up. Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I just started conversing, and I will say, "So Meredith, how was your weekend? What did you do?"
Meredith: Well, I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.
Michael Scott: All right.
Meredith: He calls it an upper-decker.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [into dictaphone] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over 1 billion sold. More than the Bible. I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wait. When did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.
Andy: All Mobsters have a front. Sometimes it's selling insurance. Sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.
Oscar: For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the mafia.
Michael Scott: I think- He just seemed like he was trying to sell me insurance.
Andy: Yeah. "Buy my insurance, or I burn your warehouse down."
Dwight K. Schrute: Exactly.
Michael Scott: He did talk about a fire in the warehouse. And he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: [on speaker phone] Hello?
Michael Scott: Jim?
Jim: Michael?
Michael Scott: Oh, thank God.
Jim: How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran.
Michael Scott: It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel that it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, 'cause you told me that your dad had a bad heart.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I had to make a snap decision, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.
Michael Scott: It was a lot of snap decisions.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you know what snap decision means?
Michael Scott: Yes!
Dwight K. Schrute: It means like this [snaps fingers].
Michael Scott: Just get in the car!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The fundamentals of business. The fundamentals of business. Mental is a part of the word. I have underlined it. Because you're mental if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it.
Toby: Well, the fun is in it.
Kevin: Fundamental.
Michael Scott: [to Toby] Get out.
Toby: I am.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: Yes, so it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling. You need small talk.
What topics can you use for small talk?
Andy: Golf, stock market, Dave Matthews.

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Yes, what else?
Creed: Small things: Peas, ball bearings, dimes.
Michael Scott: No.

Quote from Ryan

Michael Scott: God, what you people don't know about business I could fill a book with.
Ryan: Then do it.
Michael Scott: What?
Ryan: Write a book.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to.
Michael Scott: Hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper. Do you have any idea how valuable my time is?
Erin: Your schedule just says nine till noon is creative space. I thought this could be part of that.
Michael Scott: Do you know how creative space works? Okay, I just canceled my afternoon.
Erin: You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says, "free play."
Michael Scott: Push "free play" till tomorrow morning.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Sorry, crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made. Come into the conference room, and I will show you a finished sausage.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Oscar says I checked out, huh? Huh.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: All right, hey, hey, hey! Calm down, calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York. What do you think?
Ryan: Well, first of all, there's no such thing as "the mafia." What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?
Michael Scott: Um. It is Grotti.
Andy: Oh, no. Fabulous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh boy.
Oscar: What? I mean, what?
Andy: John Gotti, you idiot.
Oscar: It's a- It's a completely different name.
Phyllis: So he won't get caught.
Andy: It's pretty close.
Oscar: What are you talking about? What mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti? It weakens it.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I disagree. "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder, not "mukduk."

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: What are my options here? Do I just ignore it or-
Andy: Yeah, right. You heard him. He's gonna burn the warehouse down or drive one of our trucks off the road.
Michael Scott: I'm calling the police.
Andy: That is the stupidest thing you could do right now.
Dwight K. Schrute: He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported.
Andy: Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horse's chopped-off head in your bed.
Michael Scott: Ssh. That's not gonna happen.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's an exaggeration.
Andy: That's how it works!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What am I supposed to do here?
Andy: When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay, you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back.
Michael Scott: I was thinking exactly the same thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! Criminals are like raccoons. You give them a taste of cat food, pretty soon they'll back for the whole cat.
Andy: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Black goes on the red with the... If we... Positive... It being a motor drive, it's just probably down.
Kid: He seems bad at this.
Andy: You want to do this, Junior? I didn't think so. I'm sorry. Had kind of a long day at the mechanic store. [minor explosion] You got a leaky spark tube.
Woman: What?
Andy: So your car's totaled. You're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great, but I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles.

Quote from Andy

Mr. Grotti: Now, if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion.
Andy: [clears throat loudly]
Mr. Grotti: You okay, Pat?
Andy: Yeah, I was just thinking about how I had this car, 'cause... This Italian car. And I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil. But I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day, it exploded. And it killed everyone. And that's what I'm afraid of.
Mr. Grotti: Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?
Andy: It was before my tech- Technical training.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey. Um. Question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford, given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?
Oscar: Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.
Michael Scott: No. What about this cash for clunkers thing?
Oscar: Just- No. No.
Michael Scott: All right. It was a thought.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: We have let Michael down. And it's 85% your fault.
Andy: He's alive, so you're welcome.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not on the inside, he's not. Look at his life. Broke. Living in fear. No friends, dead end job.
Andy: You know, some of that existed before.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not the living in fear. That's new.
Andy: You're right. That is new.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: He's got to stand up to this mafia guy.
Andy: I don't see that happening.
Dwight K. Schrute: Me, neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?
Andy: Are you saying that we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?
Dwight K. Schrute: What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia.
Andy: That seems a little far-fetched.
Dwight K. Schrute: More far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So I looked him in the eye, and I said, "Not today, Grotti. Not today. And not tomorrow. And not the next day or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they are already dead." I said something like that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very close.
Oscar: Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.
Michael Scott: Erin, coffee. Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back. Large.
If it's a medium, I send it back. If it's an extra-large, I send it back.
Erin: How do you return coffee?
Michael Scott: Go. Any questions?


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