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44Quotes from ‘Mafia’

The Office: Mafia

606. Mafia

Aired October 15, 2009

Dwight and Andy help a worried Michael deal with an insurance salesman he fears is a mobster. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam can't escape the office drama even on their honeymoon.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia, it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. And bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying, per se. But I would just get really quiet all of a sudden.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day, I came in, and I just stayed, 'cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Okay, who else is here? [to camera:] Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The coalition for reason is extremely weak.

Quote from Michael Scott

Waitress: Have you decided?
Mr. Grotti: I'll have the linguine, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
Waitress: Okay, sir. And for you, sir?
Michael Scott: I will have the gabba-gool.
Waitress: The what?
Michael Scott: The gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't- I don't really know what that is.
Andy: You know, gabba-gool.
Michael Scott: I don't have to have that.
Dwight K. Schrute: What he's trying to say is gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't really think that we have that.
Michael Scott: That's okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bring him the gabba-gool!
Michael Scott: I will have the spaghetti. With a side salad.
Waitress: Okay.
Michael Scott: If the salad is on top, I will send it back.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: The weekend.
Michael Scott: Yeah! That's good. Come on up. Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I just started conversing, and I will say, "So Meredith, how was your weekend? What did you do?"
Meredith: Well, I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.
Michael Scott: All right.
Meredith: He calls it an upper-decker.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: [on speaker phone] Hello?
Michael Scott: Jim?
Jim: Michael?
Michael Scott: Oh, thank God.
Jim: How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran.
Michael Scott: It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel that it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, 'cause you told me that your dad had a bad heart.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [into dictaphone] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over 1 billion sold. More than the Bible. I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wait. When did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.
Andy: All Mobsters have a front. Sometimes it's selling insurance. Sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.
Oscar: For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the mafia.
Michael Scott: I think- He just seemed like he was trying to sell me insurance.
Andy: Yeah. "Buy my insurance, or I burn your warehouse down."
Dwight K. Schrute: Exactly.
Michael Scott: He did talk about a fire in the warehouse. And he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Black goes on the red with the... If we... Positive... It being a motor drive, it's just probably down.
Kid: He seems bad at this.
Andy: You want to do this, Junior? I didn't think so. I'm sorry. Had kind of a long day at the mechanic store. [minor explosion] You got a leaky spark tube.
Woman: What?
Andy: So your car's totaled. You're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great, but I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles.

Quote from Andy

Mr. Grotti: Now, if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion.
Andy: [clears throat loudly]
Mr. Grotti: You okay, Pat?
Andy: Yeah, I was just thinking about how I had this car, 'cause... This Italian car. And I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil. But I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day, it exploded. And it killed everyone. And that's what I'm afraid of.
Mr. Grotti: Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?
Andy: It was before my tech- Technical training.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I had to make a snap decision, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.
Michael Scott: It was a lot of snap decisions.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you know what snap decision means?
Michael Scott: Yes!
Dwight K. Schrute: It means like this [snaps fingers].
Michael Scott: Just get in the car!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey. Um. Question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford, given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?
Oscar: Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.
Michael Scott: No. What about this cash for clunkers thing?
Oscar: Just- No. No.
Michael Scott: All right. It was a thought.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: We have let Michael down. And it's 85% your fault.
Andy: He's alive, so you're welcome.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not on the inside, he's not. Look at his life. Broke. Living in fear. No friends, dead end job.
Andy: You know, some of that existed before.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not the living in fear. That's new.
Andy: You're right. That is new.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: He's got to stand up to this mafia guy.
Andy: I don't see that happening.
Dwight K. Schrute: Me, neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?
Andy: Are you saying that we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?
Dwight K. Schrute: What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia.
Andy: That seems a little far-fetched.
Dwight K. Schrute: More far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So I looked him in the eye, and I said, "Not today, Grotti. Not today. And not tomorrow. And not the next day or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they are already dead." I said something like that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very close.
Oscar: Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.
Michael Scott: Erin, coffee. Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back. Large.
If it's a medium, I send it back. If it's an extra-large, I send it back.
Erin: How do you return coffee?
Michael Scott: Go. Any questions?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The fundamentals of business. The fundamentals of business. Mental is a part of the word. I have underlined it. Because you're mental if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it.
Toby: Well, the fun is in it.
Kevin: Fundamental.
Michael Scott: [to Toby] Get out.
Toby: I am.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: Yes, so it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling. You need small talk.
What topics can you use for small talk?
Andy: Golf, stock market, Dave Matthews.

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Yes, what else?
Creed: Small things: Peas, ball bearings, dimes.
Michael Scott: No.

Quote from Ryan

Michael Scott: God, what you people don't know about business I could fill a book with.
Ryan: Then do it.
Michael Scott: What?
Ryan: Write a book.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to.
Michael Scott: Hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper. Do you have any idea how valuable my time is?
Erin: Your schedule just says nine till noon is creative space. I thought this could be part of that.
Michael Scott: Do you know how creative space works? Okay, I just canceled my afternoon.
Erin: You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says, "free play."
Michael Scott: Push "free play" till tomorrow morning.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Sorry, crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made. Come into the conference room, and I will show you a finished sausage.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Oscar says I checked out, huh? Huh.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: All right, hey, hey, hey! Calm down, calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York. What do you think?
Ryan: Well, first of all, there's no such thing as "the mafia." What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?
Michael Scott: Um. It is Grotti.
Andy: Oh, no. Fabulous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh boy.
Oscar: What? I mean, what?
Andy: John Gotti, you idiot.
Oscar: It's a- It's a completely different name.
Phyllis: So he won't get caught.
Andy: It's pretty close.
Oscar: What are you talking about? What mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti? It weakens it.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I disagree. "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder, not "mukduk."

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: What are my options here? Do I just ignore it or-
Andy: Yeah, right. You heard him. He's gonna burn the warehouse down or drive one of our trucks off the road.
Michael Scott: I'm calling the police.
Andy: That is the stupidest thing you could do right now.
Dwight K. Schrute: He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported.
Andy: Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horse's chopped-off head in your bed.
Michael Scott: Ssh. That's not gonna happen.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's an exaggeration.
Andy: That's how it works!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What am I supposed to do here?
Andy: When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay, you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back.
Michael Scott: I was thinking exactly the same thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! Criminals are like raccoons. You give them a taste of cat food, pretty soon they'll back for the whole cat.
Andy: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.

Quote from Andy

Woman: Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?
Andy: Uh... yeah.
Woman: My battery's dead. I've got my kid. Can you please help?
Andy: Yes, I can.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Come on, I'm sorry. We're having our salads.
Mr. Gotti: Come on. Lady in distress. Go, go!
Andy: Okay.
Woman: Sorry. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
Michael Scott: Do you need any help?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: [on phone] Listen, man. I got a problem. I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier.
Jim: That sounds bad.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know. And you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you, my friend.
Jim: I'm gonna help you through it, okay? All you're gonna need to- And then go to-
Michael Scott: Jim, are you-
Jim: And you'll be saved.
Michael Scott: What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said.
Jim: Just a- And then you'll be saved.
Michael Scott: No, God, I missed the important part again.
Jim: A- And you'll be saved.
Michael Scott: No, Jim. Please, repeat what you're saying. I can't understand you!
Jim: A- B- Bermuda Triangle. Please don't call again.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, incredible news. Grotti is clean.
Michael Scott: No, he's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works.
Andy: No, Michael, what we're trying to say is we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force, really.
Andy: Class act. Boy scout.
Michael Scott: But Grotti acts like he's mafia, though.
Andy: He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman.
Dwight K. Schrute: And he made us all look like chumps.

Quote from Michael Scott

Mr. Grotti: [on speakerphone] This is Grotti.
Michael Scott: This is Scott.
Mr. Grotti: Oh, great, Michael. I'm just finishing up your paperwork right now.
Michael Scott: Oh, really? Is that supposed to scare me?
Mr. Grotti: I thought you'd be pleased.
Michael Scott: Well, you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of P.O.'d.
Mr. Grotti: What? Why?
Michael Scott: I think you know exactly why. Because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance.
Mr. Grotti: I don't get it. How was I scaring you?
Michael Scott: I think you knew exactly what you were doing, and frankly, I think you were being a total and utter jerk. You suck!
Dwight K. Schrute: Whoa, whoa.
Michael Scott: And I'm not going to buy your stupid insurance.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's wrap it up.
Michael Scott: How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you if you show your face around here again. Got it?
Mr. Grotti: Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give give me a call?
Michael Scott: Doubt it. [hangs up] What a tool.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What?
Andy: Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia.
Michael Scott: No. What do you mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: We just told you he wasn't mafia so you wouldn't be scared.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: You successfully backed down the mob.
Andy: You made the mafia apologize to you. You made the mafia be polite.
Michael Scott: Oh, man. I should be mad at you, guys. But I am not.

Quote from Kevin

Pam: [answering phone] Are you kidding me?
Kevin: Hi, Pam. Is Jim there?
Pam: Listen, our credit card has been canceled, and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here!
Kevin: Okay, that sounds good. Um. I'll let you go. Just tell Jim that I said "Hi."
Pam: Oh, I will. I will, Kevin. I will make that my top priority.
Kevin: 'kay. [to camera:] They have no idea what happened.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: What are you thinking?
Dwight K. Schrute: I think you're right. Definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.

Quote from Michael Scott

Mr. Grotti: God forbid you should have a fire in the warehouse.
Michael Scott: Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up.
Mr. Grotti: And the truck goes off the side of the road. There's injury.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh. I hear you. The truck.
Mr. Grotti: You will be hearing from me, Mr. Scott. I can be very, very persistent.
Michael Scott: Do your worst.
[After Mr. Grotti takes his coat and knocks over the coatstand]
Mr. Grotti: Would you look at that, people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: What happened in there?
Michael Scott: Nothing. Other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did he threaten you?
Michael Scott: No, Dwight. Not everything is a threat.
Andy: Mobsters are.
Michael Scott: There is no such thing as monsters.

Quote from Andy

Andy: He drives an SUV. I knew it.
Dwight K. Schrute: More trunk space. Or should I say corpse space?
Oscar: Guys, I drive an SUV. Does that mean I'm in the mob?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, not that by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
Dwight K. Schrute: Lock your door!
Michael Scott: I'm not gonna lock my door. [door locks]

Quote from Pam

Oscar: [on the phone] Jim, It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.
Jim: Oscar. What is going on?
Oscar: It's Michael. He thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this?
Jim: We're in Puerto Rico, so...
Pam: Hey, Oscar. It's Pam. We're on our honeymoon.
Oscar: Pam, I'm sorry.
Pam: Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.
Oscar: You're right. You're right. [call disconnects]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that. Some place he can't be openly violent. Let him know that you are not kind of guy that he can shake down.
You're stubborn. You might even be a little bit dangerous. I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.
Michael Scott: Hold on.
Andy: No, no, no. My plan is out. We do it the hard way.
Michael Scott: All right. I will meet with him. But I am not going alone.
Andy: You're gonna have to.
Dwight K. Schrute: We'll be right beside you.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: What? What are you wearing? Who's Pat?
Andy: If I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion. And I have to justify it somehow, so I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you know how to use it?
Andy: To change tires? No. But it's metal. I could hit somebody with it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: he bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except this roach motel.
Andy: Oh! God! [Andy bangs the roach]
Dwight K. Schrute: You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [answering phone] Hello.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Halpert? I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.
Kevin: Oh, man, do you think it was stolen?
Agent: First, would you mind verifying your home address?
Kevin: Uh, yes. [looking through papers on Kevin's desk, finds a paycheck] Linden Ave., Scranton, PA.
Agent: May I have the last four digits of your social security?
Kevin: Six six five zero.
Agent: Well, Mr. Halpert, you're obviously not in San Juan, Puerto Rico.
Kevin: Wait a minute. Yes, I am.
Agent: I'm going to go ahead put a hold on your card.
Kevin: No. I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.
Agent: Very funny, sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away. You have a nice day. And thank you.
Kevin: Shoot.

Quote from Kevin

Oscar: Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?
Kevin: I usually can think quick on my feet. But they were so fast on the phone.
Oscar: This constitutes identify fraud.
Kevin: God. I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar. I'm not like you.
Oscar: What's that supposed to mean?
Kevin: You don't know about jail? Oh, you would love jail.
Oscar: Why would I love jail?
Kevin: Because... You would love it.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.
Mr. Grotti: Look closely, Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you.
Andy: Maybe we have a plan for you.
Mr. Grotti: How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt. You always think it can't happen to you, and... [bams fist on table] Think about it.


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