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‘Welcome Party’ Quotes

The Office: Welcome Party

820. Welcome Party

Aired April 12, 2012

Robert encourages the employees to throw a party to welcome Nellie to Scranton, as Jim and Dwight get roped into helping her move into her new house. Meanwhile, Andy and Erin drive back from Florida to start their new relationship, but must first make a call to Andy's girlfriend.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.

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Quote from Creed

Phyllis: Welcome to your party.
Creed: Everybody get comfy now. This first song's over a half hour long.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, "Have you heard my originals? They're terrible." They said, "Even better." I said, "I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie."

Quote from Robert

Robert: Pam!
Pam: Oh.
Robert: Is this a video conference you're having with "Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz"?
Pam: Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day.
Robert: People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being-

Quote from Kevin

Robert: Great work, team. Great party.
Kevin: You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth?

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey, Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Jim: Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a mustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.
Phyllis: Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
Pam: It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his mustache.
Jim: Stanley doesn't have a mustache.
Pam: Yeah, he does.
Oscar: Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a mustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a mustache.
Pam: Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a mustache or not?
Phyllis: Oh, I don't know. Um, now I think he doesn't.
Pam: Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Jim: Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Angela: 'Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Pam: Okay, which one of these looks more right? [holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a mustache]
Dwight K. Schrute: Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
Gabe: Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Jim: Okay, quick. Who says mustache?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yep.
Jim: Who says no mustache?
Gabe: [revealing Stanley's mustahce] Ah! Ha ha ha!
Phyllis: He does have a mustache.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes!
Pam: Welcome back, Stanley.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: Sorry. Sorry, everyone. I'm late. But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness.
Robert: [laughing] Nellie, really, nine-fifty?
Nellie: Oh, here's what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze.
Robert: Ah.
Nellie: Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse!
Robert: I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman.

Quote from Nellie

Robert: I don't think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason.
Nellie: Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it.
Robert: No, no, no, no. There's something going on. Some stress in your life.
Nellie: Well, yes, uh... There is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move in to my apartment in this dreadful, God-knows- -where-it-is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?
Kevin & Meredith: Yes.
Nellie: Ugh! I hate that! No offense.
Kevin: None taken.
Oscar: Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive.
Nellie: Oh! Ay, caramba! The natives are getting restless!
Stanley: Who's a native?
Nellie: Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court.
Oscar: What does that mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, okay.
Nellie: If you'd let me finish- Or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her.
Pam: I know, right?
Oscar: She's always late, she's always rude...
Phyllis: It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party.
Oscar: Yeah.
Phyllis: On purpose.
Pam: Phyllis!
Angela: [laughs] We should do it right here in the break room. [they giggle]
Phyllis: Order carrot cake. [laughter]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? 'Cause to be honest, I don't think it's gonna fit through the door.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? "Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is."
Jim: That was one time-

Quote from Nellie

Dwight K. Schrute: I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic.
Nellie: Oh, no. Really? Magic? No, no, no. Let's not go there. No, nothing is more repellent than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices. Magicians are repulsive. Next topic.

Quote from Nellie

Dwight K. Schrute: [finds shoe box] Ooh.
Jim: [reads] "Nellie, don't open, stupid. Love, Nellie."
Dwight K. Schrute: I have to see these shoes.
Jim: I doubt that they're sh-
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh!
Jim: Whoa. Who is this guy?
Dwight K. Schrute: Here's the two of them taking a hike. I'm guessing he's some kind of friend.
Jim: Boyfriend.
Dwight K. Schrute: Here's the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend.
Jim: Like a boyfriend?
Dwight K. Schrute: You read my mind.
Jim: Yeah. Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory- he's a hated Italian politician.
Jim: Better theory. This is her ex-boyfriend and they went through some kind of painful breakup.
Nellie: [walks in] Oh.
Jim: Oh, Nellie. I'm so sorry. We were just...
Nellie: I see you've discovered Benjamin. That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Nellie: I couldn't afford the flat myself. So I sold it at a loss. Ah, but what's ten years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?
Jim: I'm so sorry. These must be very painful memories.
Dwight K. Schrute: If it would help you to forget, I could hit you in the brain stem with this candlestick.

Quote from Ryan

Darryl: Oh, in the warehouse we use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis the Menace. Ryan was douche bag.
Ryan: Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult.
Oscar: Plus everyone would know who you meant.
Ryan: Yeah!

Quote from Nellie

Magician: Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you're my volunteer. Come on over here, huh?
Jim: Oh, I'll do it. I will volunteer.
Robert: No, Nellie, she-
Jim: I'll do it.
Magician: Oh! Big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for... birds. [chuckles] All right, let's uh- Let's do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is... I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is.
Jim: [picks a card] It's the four of hearts.
Robert: Oh, no, you-
Magician: Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffled the deck? [Jim drops the cards] You didn't just do that on purpose, did ya?
Robert: [to Dwight] Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?
Magician: Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory.
Jim: Not true. 'Cause that's not a real place.
Magician: But I never could seem to figure out those knots.
Pam: That's not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears.
Magician: [yells] What the hell? All right, where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here-
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay scram, wizard.
Magician: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: You heard me!
Magician: Huh!
Robert: Well, Nellie, I'm sorry. If I'd known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician-
Nellie: Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees, in their own way. Don't you see what I see?


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