Dwight K. Schrute: I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.

Phyllis: Welcome to your party.
Creed: Everybody get comfy now. This first song's over a half hour long.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, "Have you heard my originals? They're terrible." They said, "Even better." I said, "I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie."

Robert: Pam!
Pam: Oh.
Robert: Is this a video conference you're having with "Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz"?
Pam: Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day.
Robert: People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being-

Robert: Great work, team. Great party.
Kevin: You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth?

Magician: Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you're my volunteer. Come on over here, huh?
Jim: Oh, I'll do it. I will volunteer.
Robert: No, Nellie, she-
Jim: I'll do it.
Magician: Oh! Big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for... birds. [chuckles] All right, let's uh- Let's do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is... I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is.
Jim: [picks a card] It's the four of hearts.
Robert: Oh, no, you-
Magician: Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffled the deck? [Jim drops the cards] You didn't just do that on purpose, did ya?
Robert: [to Dwight] Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?
Magician: Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory.
Jim: Not true. 'Cause that's not a real place.
Magician: But I never could seem to figure out those knots.
Pam: That's not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears.
Magician: [yells] What the hell? All right, where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here-
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay scram, wizard.
Magician: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: You heard me!
Magician: Huh!
Robert: Well, Nellie, I'm sorry. If I'd known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician-
Nellie: Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees, in their own way. Don't you see what I see?

Nellie: Sorry. Sorry, everyone. I'm late. But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness.
Robert: [laughing] Nellie, really, nine-fifty?
Nellie: Oh, here's what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze.
Robert: Ah.
Nellie: Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse!
Robert: I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman.

Robert: I don't think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason.
Nellie: Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it.
Robert: No, no, no, no. There's something going on. Some stress in your life.
Nellie: Well, yes, uh... There is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move in to my apartment in this dreadful, God-knows- -where-it-is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?
Kevin & Meredith: Yes.
Nellie: Ugh! I hate that! No offense.
Kevin: None taken.
Oscar: Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive.
Nellie: Oh! Ay, caramba! The natives are getting restless!
Stanley: Who's a native?
Nellie: Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court.
Oscar: What does that mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, okay.
Nellie: If you'd let me finish- Or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm?

Pam: Hey, Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Jim: Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a mustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.
Phyllis: Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
Pam: It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his mustache.
Jim: Stanley doesn't have a mustache.
Pam: Yeah, he does.
Oscar: Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a mustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a mustache.
Pam: Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a mustache or not?
Phyllis: Oh, I don't know. Um, now I think he doesn't.
Pam: Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Jim: Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Angela: 'Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Pam: Okay, which one of these looks more right? [holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a mustache]
Dwight K. Schrute: Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
Gabe: Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Jim: Okay, quick. Who says mustache?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yep.
Jim: Who says no mustache?
Gabe: [revealing Stanley's mustahce] Ah! Ha ha ha!
Phyllis: He does have a mustache.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes!
Pam: Welcome back, Stanley.

Phyllis: I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her.
Pam: I know, right?
Oscar: She's always late, she's always rude...
Phyllis: It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party.
Oscar: Yeah.
Phyllis: On purpose.
Pam: Phyllis!
Angela: [laughs] We should do it right here in the break room. [they giggle]
Phyllis: Order carrot cake. [laughter]

Jim: Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? 'Cause to be honest, I don't think it's gonna fit through the door.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? "Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is."
Jim: That was one time-