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‘The Seminar’ Quotes

The Office: The Seminar

714. The Seminar

Aired January 27, 2011

When Andy hosts a seminar for small business owners, he struggles to convince his co-workers to help him out. Meanwhile, Michael tries to cheer Holly up, following her break-up with AJ, and Jim hides from a childhood friend.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe, and I've never won a game.
[aside to camera:]
Erin: The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far I've seen "The Shining", "Rosemary's Baby", "The Ring". Not really my thing. Although, I... I do like the early parts of the movies where they have a perfect family and everything.

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Quote from Erin

Oscar: Why did you play "moo"?
Erin: Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing "moo", I'm playing "milk". Whatever it takes.
Oscar: Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood". Would have played a triple word.
Erin: Like the cow "mood" yesterday. God.
Oscar: Or moon.
Erin: The cow jumped over the moon.
Oscar: She's stuck on that one thing.
Pam: No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?

Quote from Creed

Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. [applause]
Creed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?

Quote from Kelly

Andy: I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last...
Kelly: But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.
Andy: What are you...
Kelly: Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.
[aside to camera:]
Kelly: It is important to brand yourself, so I have a couple of things in works. "The Business Bitch", "The Diet Bitch", "The Shopping Bitch", "The Etiquette Bitch."

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: I picked out our movie. It's called "Suspiria". It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down.
Erin: When I win...
Gabe: Ooh.
Erin: We're gonna watch "WALL-E", where all the boundaries of color are pushed.
[aside to camera:]
Gabe: It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some "Slumdog Millionaire" scenario, where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past. It's possible.

Quote from Andy

Erin: Your first student is here, Mister Bernard.
Andy: That's actually "Master of Ceremonies" Bernard.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Last year, I went to a seminar called "The Ten Secrets of Real Estate". Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me time-shares in Idaho. Cut to, you know, spending a weekend in Boise, terrible time, super lonely. But I get to thinking maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character "Mikanos", is just a little added flava. "Mikanos" is loosely based on another character I do, "Spiros", who is more about the ladies.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Holly broke up with AJ last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened... to me. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That's what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy.
Kevin: Andy, I'm no Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam.
Andy: Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great.
Kevin: Then I won't let you down.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog.
Older Woman: Hi Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem.
Andy: Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, "Don't Just Dream it, do it." Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone.
[Kevin plays Ozzy Osboure's Crazy Train and then starts taking laps around the room]
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: There are some people who have charm and some people who don't. Guess which type I am. Charm type.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing.
Professor Powell: Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise.
Kelly: Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone.
Professor Powell: Uh, why?
Kelly: Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?
Professor Powell: Um, there aren't really ten secrets.
Kelly: Come on Scott, please? It's me.
Professor Powell: Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline.
Kelly: Mm-hmm.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: That brilliant little bitch.

Quote from Erin

Oscar: We got it! Wow! We got it!
Pam: Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful if Erin puts the last word in herself.
Oscar: Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely. Yes.
Erin: Yes.
Oscar: [pulls phone back] Ah. No! [laughs, then hands phone to Erin]. Although I must say, I will have "apoplexy" if you lose. Do you understand? "Apoplexy" is what I will have.
Erin: Apoplexy.
Oscar: Yes.
Erin: Got it. [plays word; As Oscar gasps:] Oh, Oscar. Oscar?
[aside to camera:]
Erin: I played "ape."

Quote from Jim

Pam: Here's the story. That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom.
Jim: Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies, actually.
Pam: And when they were both in the third grade, Jim was placed in the top reading group.
Jim: I was blue group, so it was second from the top.
Pam: And Tom...
Jim: Was in the green group.
Pam: And Jim's mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group, because she though that would be a good influence.
Jim: And that's what I told him.
Pam: Right. But how'd you say it?
Jim: "My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."

Quote from Jim

Tom: How's it goin'?
Jim: Pretty good.
Tom: It's been a while.
Jim: It has been, yeah.
Tom: So you work here, huh?
Jim: Sales.
Tom: Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory. [laughs]
Jim: [laughs]
Tom: 'Cause you're so smart.
Jim: Oh, man. You remember that, huh?
Tom: Oh, barely. I'm so dumb, you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out. Not like you, probably remember every paper sale you ever made, paper salesman genius.
Jim: All right, good catch-up.
Tom: Yeah.
Jim: See ya.
Tom: Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?


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