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35Quotes from ‘The Seminar’

The Office: The Seminar

714. The Seminar

Aired January 27, 2011

When Andy hosts a seminar for small business owners, he struggles to convince his co-workers to help him out. Meanwhile, Michael tries to cheer Holly up, following her break-up with AJ, and Jim hides from a childhood friend.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe, and I've never won a game.
[aside to camera:]
Erin: The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far I've seen "The Shining", "Rosemary's Baby", "The Ring". Not really my thing. Although, I... I do like the early parts of the movies where they have a perfect family and everything.

Quote from Erin

Oscar: Why did you play "moo"?
Erin: Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing "moo", I'm playing "milk". Whatever it takes.
Oscar: Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood". Would have played a triple word.
Erin: Like the cow "mood" yesterday. God.
Oscar: Or moon.
Erin: The cow jumped over the moon.
Oscar: She's stuck on that one thing.
Pam: No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?

Quote from Creed

Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. [applause]
Creed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?

Quote from Kelly

Andy: I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last...
Kelly: But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.
Andy: What are you...
Kelly: Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.
[aside to camera:]
Kelly: It is important to brand yourself, so I have a couple of things in works. "The Business Bitch", "The Diet Bitch", "The Shopping Bitch", "The Etiquette Bitch."

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: I picked out our movie. It's called "Suspiria". It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down.
Erin: When I win...
Gabe: Ooh.
Erin: We're gonna watch "WALL-E", where all the boundaries of color are pushed.
[aside to camera:]
Gabe: It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some "Slumdog Millionaire" scenario, where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past. It's possible.

Quote from Andy

Erin: Your first student is here, Mister Bernard.
Andy: That's actually "Master of Ceremonies" Bernard.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Last year, I went to a seminar called "The Ten Secrets of Real Estate". Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me time-shares in Idaho. Cut to, you know, spending a weekend in Boise, terrible time, super lonely. But I get to thinking maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character "Mikanos", is just a little added flava. "Mikanos" is loosely based on another character I do, "Spiros", who is more about the ladies.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Holly broke up with AJ last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened... to me. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That's what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy.
Kevin: Andy, I'm no Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam.
Andy: Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great.
Kevin: Then I won't let you down.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog.
Older Woman: Hi Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem.
Andy: Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, "Don't Just Dream it, do it." Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone.
[Kevin plays Ozzy Osboure's Crazy Train and then starts taking laps around the room]
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: There are some people who have charm and some people who don't. Guess which type I am. Charm type.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing.
Professor Powell: Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise.
Kelly: Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone.
Professor Powell: Uh, why?
Kelly: Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?
Professor Powell: Um, there aren't really ten secrets.
Kelly: Come on Scott, please? It's me.
Professor Powell: Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline.
Kelly: Mm-hmm.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: That brilliant little bitch.

Quote from Erin

Oscar: We got it! Wow! We got it!
Pam: Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful if Erin puts the last word in herself.
Oscar: Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely. Yes.
Erin: Yes.
Oscar: [pulls phone back] Ah. No! [laughs, then hands phone to Erin]. Although I must say, I will have "apoplexy" if you lose. Do you understand? "Apoplexy" is what I will have.
Erin: Apoplexy.
Oscar: Yes.
Erin: Got it. [plays word; As Oscar gasps:] Oh, Oscar. Oscar?
[aside to camera:]
Erin: I played "ape."

Quote from Jim

Pam: Here's the story. That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom.
Jim: Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies, actually.
Pam: And when they were both in the third grade, Jim was placed in the top reading group.
Jim: I was blue group, so it was second from the top.
Pam: And Tom...
Jim: Was in the green group.
Pam: And Jim's mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group, because she though that would be a good influence.
Jim: And that's what I told him.
Pam: Right. But how'd you say it?
Jim: "My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."

Quote from Jim

Tom: How's it goin'?
Jim: Pretty good.
Tom: It's been a while.
Jim: It has been, yeah.
Tom: So you work here, huh?
Jim: Sales.
Tom: Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory. [laughs]
Jim: [laughs]
Tom: 'Cause you're so smart.
Jim: Oh, man. You remember that, huh?
Tom: Oh, barely. I'm so dumb, you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out. Not like you, probably remember every paper sale you ever made, paper salesman genius.
Jim: All right, good catch-up.
Tom: Yeah.
Jim: See ya.
Tom: Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?

Quote from Andy

Jim: Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you, but I have a meeting today that I totally forgot, so I can't be apart of this seminar.
Andy: No. What? You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. You're the charming warm-up guy,
Jim: I know.
Andy: If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche. You like, signal the flavors of the whole night.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately, or ever. This is my only idea on how to turn things around. If it goes badly, I might lose my job, which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at.

Quote from Phyllis

Dwight K. Schrute: What are some of your small business ideas?
Old Guy: I was thinking we could buy up of abandoned mine shafts.
Phyllis, Stanley & Dwight: [unenthusiastic] Ooh.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's great. There's a big, big future in that.
Phyllis: A lot of mines in Scranton.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Um, what about you?
Younger Guy: Uh, credit cards.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-huh.
Younger Guy: My company would act as an intermedium, for like, point two cents off every transaction.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow!
Younger Guy: Something with cell phones. It's like, every time you make a phone call I'd make point two cents. Or anything like any on-line shopping I would get point two cents.
Dwight K. Schrute: Right. Okay? Great.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: You promised us whales. These are worms.
Andy: They're not worms, Dwight, okay? They're just people with tiny businesses. They're baby whales which is even cuter.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Stanley: I'm out.
Andy: Stanley, you're suppose to close.
Phyllis: I'm out too.
Andy: What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team.
Dwight K. Schrute: We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [as Mikanos] If-a you change-a you mind, why don't you talk to Mikanos?
Holly: Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian.
Michael Scott: Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today.
Holly: Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus.
Michael Scott: Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that.

Quote from Ryan

Andy: Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?
Ryan: Yup.
Andy: I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business.
Ryan: And?
Andy: Can you do it?
Ryan: Okay. I don't... I don't like committing to things just like that.
Andy: So no?
Ryan: No, I don't like committing to not doing things, either. That's just as big a commitment.
Kelly: Oh, baby.
Andy: What do I put you down for, bro hombre?
Ryan: Yes.
Andy: All right!
Ryan: Yes, I'll do it.
Andy: Okay, than you so much. It's going to be so awesome.
Ryan: And if I flake, I flake.
Andy: What?

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [out of breath] Dream... big. Right? So what I want you to do is dream the biggest that you c... an. [coughing] And then double it! [coughing]
Andy: Are you okay?
Kevin: No. Yes!
Andy: Here... [offering Kevin a trash can]
Kevin: No. I'm fine. Okay, from here now. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you, right, is about finding success. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner. [coughing] [vomiting into the trash can]. Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now, right this second? 'Cause the universe is yours, people. Get out of the way! [runs out of room]

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that "q" right there.
Erin: Wait. Why?
Oscar: Put the "q" there, sweetie.
Pam: I think there's better...
Oscar: Put the "q" there! [phone plays triumphant sound] Sorry I yelled.
Pam: You could have just told us what you were thinking.
Oscar: There's no theater in that.
Pam: There's no yelling in that, either.
Oscar: Well...

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: What do you do in your free time?
Michael Scott: [as Mikanos] Practice Olympics.
Holly: Mmm. Do you like movies?
Michael Scott: [as Mikanos] I like the musical "Grease", or as we call it, home.

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: [as Mikanos] Hello.
Hank: Look, you want to order something?
Michael Scott: She will have a greekaccino.
Hank: I don't know what that is.
Michael Scott: It...
Holly: [in accent] It's a very strong coffee with milk from a goat.
Michael Scott: [laughs] I can't believe-ee. It's a miracle. She can talk!
Holly: No more brain damage.
Michael Scott: No more brain damage!
Holly: Ahh!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the rarest of things, an actual free lunch. There are sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves. We'll meet back up in an hour.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: So what's your crazy business pipe dream?
Guy: Well, I started my own golf supply company.
Dwight K. Schrute: [unimpressed] Really?
Guy: It's taken off faster than I expected, so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth.
Dwight K. Schrute: [quietly] Phyllis?
Phyllis: Hmm?
Dwight K. Schrute: Some of these people are for real.

Quote from Darryl

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, friend. How's it going? Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, you know what? Good news. We're back in. Let's go sell some paper, Buddy. Huh?
Andy: Really?
Darryl: Ahem!
Andy: Excuse me.
Dwight K. Schrute: I got it. I got it.
Andy: [to Darryl] Hey, do you need a lozenge?
Darryl: [whispering] They're a bunch of jackals.
Andy: What?
Darryl: They left you in the lurch, and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there. You did this. Bring it home.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Okay, who would like to purchase this small business package from me right now? Yes, we got one. Okay, the snowball is rolling. Who else? You can put it off for a couple of days, but I guarantee you, eventually you're gonna realize you need this. So the only thing that's gonna be different is you'll be a couple of days behind where you would be if you bought this from me right now. So who's gonna buy one right now?
Older Woman: I'll take one.
Andy: Yes! Awesome! All right, anyone else? [young guy raises hand] Sold! Anybody else? [older guy raises hand] Yes! All right!
Kelly: Yeah, bitch.
Andy: Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life.
Michael Scott: [quietly] No, no, no.
Andy: But it was a pleasure meeting you, and you've got my information, so feel free to call anytime.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: Andy. I didn't think you had it in ya.
Andy: Well, I guess when you looked in me, you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside. Don't how you missed 'em.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: [in accent] Wonderful seminar!
Michael Scott: [as Mikanos] Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me, Necropolis. Put your lips on my lips. Come on.
Holly: Michael, I should get back to work.
Michael Scott: What? Come on. It's time for grapes. [regular voice] Real fun day.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: So, I won.
Erin: I know. You get to pick.
Gabe: Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. I know how much you want to watch "WALL-E".
Erin: Yes?
Gabe: So I got us a compromise. This movie is called "Hardware". It tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like "WALL-E", that the government invented to destroy humans. It's some of what you like and some of what I like, and... married...
Andy: Hey, I heard you talking about movies before, and, anyway, I just watched this over the weekend. I thought you'd really like it.
Erin: There's a "Shrek" two?
Andy: Oh, yeah. See you tomorrow.
Gabe: Nice guy.

Quote from Michael Scott

David Brent: Oh, sorry, mate.
Michael Scott: [English accent] Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate.
David Brent: What- [laughing] What you doing?
Michael Scott: English?
David Brent: You taking the mickey? You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that.
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no. I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct?
David Brent: Yeah big time, yeah.
Michael Scott: I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi... I'm just- It's called Reginald Pooftah.
David Brent: Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
Michael Scott: Michael Scott.
David Brent: Oh, bloody 'ell. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. Not politically correct, but he's called Ho Li [bleep]. That's what it sounds like.
David Brent: Herrow! Herrow!
Michael Scott: I do ping. Herrow. I ping!
David Brent: You can't do that these days. You can't.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
David Brent: No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said. [laughs]. [Michael hugs him] Oh.
Michael Scott: That's good. Pleasure to meet you.
David Brent: Where you working?
Michael Scott: Dunder Mifflin.
David Brent: Any jobs going?
Michael Scott: No, not right now.
David Brent: Just let me know.
Michael Scott: All right. See you around.
David Brent: All right.
Michael Scott: Bye-bye. What a nice guy.


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