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‘A.A.R.M.’ Quotes

The Office: A.A.R.M.

922. A.A.R.M.

Aired May 9, 2013

As the Dunder Mifflin staff count down to the premiere of the documentary, Jim convinces Dwight he needs to appoint an assistant to the assistant regional manager, Darryl is caught sneaking back to the warehouse after he left without saying goodbye, Pam worries that Jim will resent her for asking him to give up on Athlead, Dwight considers making a proposal, and Angela brings baby Philip to work. Elsewhere, Andy tries to audition for a singing show.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Over the course of this documentary I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it.

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Quote from Creed

Creed: This airs tonight? Oh, my God. If my parents see this, I am toast.

Quote from Meredith

Jim: Okay, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who's excited?
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: I'd better come out of this smelling like a rose. I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras, I would've done some truly vulgar crap.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Erin: [over intercom] The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Kevin: But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. [Erin buzzes him into the office]
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning, I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check... on that later today. This is my grandmother's ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I can't believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.
Erin: Aw, heck ya!
Pam: Nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: You'll always have the upper hand, when you've got a good a-arm. Trademark pending.
Jim: This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corn dog, but that's for fueling only. No savoring.
Dwight K. Schrute: What an honor. God, I envy them.
Jim: He envies you.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't need to repeat right now, when I'm saying it.
Jim: Alright.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew. Every instinct. Every rational calculation.
Dwight K. Schrute: Some sort of virus?
Jim: Love.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're a good assistant, Jim.
Jim: Not as good as you.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's very true. Get the hell outta here.
Jim: You got it.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Well, this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN.
Dwight K. Schrute: Which is, of course...
Jim: Potential future nonsense.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me.
Jim: I'm gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. You've got a regional manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: The power source.
Jim: Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: A loyal, but bungling apostle.
Jim: But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
Dwight K. Schrute: Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.
Jim: Exactly.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'd have to get some more wire and string, but it's doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable?
Jim: Yeah, right. I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests.
Dwight K. Schrute: I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?
Jim: Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?
Dwight K. Schrute: That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now?
Pam: Theme song from Saved by the Bell.
Jim: Oh, my God! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing—none of these people are good enough.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know.
Jim: What I'm about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing I've ever said.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant-
Jim: Is-
Dwight K. Schrute: Me.
[back in the office:]
Jim: The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! Thank you.
Jim: I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. [Dwight awkwardly lunges] That's it. You look really, really good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right?

Quote from Jim

[Pam watches the video featuring the teapot clip from "Christmas Party". Pam sees that Jim took a Christmas card back]
Jim: You watched it.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Well, then I guess you're ready for this. [gives her the Christmas card]
Pam: What's that?
Jim: It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the card] Not enough for me? You are everything.
Pam: Thank you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [over bullhorn] Pull over!
Angela: Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Move to the side of the road!
Angela: Why?
Dwight K. Schrute: Pull over!
Angela: What do you- Dwight! [Dwight cuts her off; they both park at the side of the road; Angela gets out of her car] Dwight! What the [bleep] is your problem!
Dwight K. Schrute: [over bullhorn] Shut up, woman!
Angela: Who drives like that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Philip's not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!
Angela: Can you put that down?
Dwight K. Schrute: This expresses how loudly I love you.
Angela: It's too loud.
Dwight K. Schrute: [puts down bullhorn and gets down on one knee] This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
Angela: Okay, yes. Yes, I will! [they kiss] I love you!
Dwight K. Schrute: I love you!

Quote from Angela

Angela: And I lied to you.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Angela: Philip's your son.
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Why would you say that-
Angela: I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
Dwight K. Schrute: [excited] Get out! I'm a dad!
Angela: You're a dad!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hi, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.
Registrar: Okay, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line.
Andy: Yes!
[to camera as Andy traverses the long line:]
Andy: Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America's Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It's a really cool show. It's like a total reinvention of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean!

Quote from Andy

Andy: This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Angela's divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet. Hey-o.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Challenge number two, protocol. Clark?
Clark: Yeah.
Jim: Do you want a corn dog?
Clark: I would love a corn dog.
Jim: We'll see. You are an assistant who's just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece. Uh-oh, look who came to join us. The Turkish ambassador to Armenia, Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose. Go ahead and read that phone message.
Clark: [reading] Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went."
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no, no! You don't read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There's no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don't have diplomatic relations.
Jim: Uncanny.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Oscar: He just won't go down. It's as if he's excited by all this paper.
Angela: I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond.
Dwight K. Schrute: Smart baby. That's the most flavorful bond.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Erin: [over intercom] The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Dwight K. Schrute: But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.
Erin: Close.
Dwight K. Schrute: This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?
Erin: Colder.
Dwight K. Schrute: The coffee in Paraguay is colder?
Erin: No, I meant you're getting colder. The correct response is, "the coffee in Peru is much hotter."
Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, much, okay.
Erin: But, that's three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. [Dwight begins to protest] Unless you want me to break protocol?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no. Give me the steam.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: It's just harmless steam to panic intruders. I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.

Quote from Creed

Dwight K. Schrute: [while getting steamed] Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!
Creed: [carrying in clothes on hangers] Oh, I'm saving a fortune on dry cleaning.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: [to Angela] Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best.
Jim: Aw, thanks, man.
Dwight K. Schrute: Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but we've overcome our differences. Much like Germany and Italy in World War-
Jim: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office.
[Jim holds up a chalkboard sign reading "[5] days since last nonsense", Dwight scrubs out 5 and writes 6]

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Welcome.
Jim: He welcomes you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Please take an agenda item.
Jim: Your agenda-taking pleases him.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Have a seat, Phyllis. There we go. As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. "Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try." [buzzer sound] That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. Jim, over to you.
Jim: Let's not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak, all right? So, for instance, if you're expecting a fax today, please don't yell out, "Michael J. Fax from Fax to the Future." Okay? That's nonsense.
Pam: Question.
Jim: Yes, beautiful girl in the front.
Pam: We are expecting a water delivery today at 10 a.m. What if, as they're delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, "Nice jugs"?
Jim: That's obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?
All: Zero. No nonsense. You can't have nonsense.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow, or a minute extra for the rest of the month.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I hate goodbyes, so last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all. [sighs]

Quote from Jim

Jim: A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now?
Meredith: Uh, two.
Jim: 985,000,000,000,017.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not even close, Meredith. Come on!

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other's minds. You're trying to give your wife this job.
Jim: That's exactly what I was doing. Plop, what animal am I picturing?
Pete: A horse.
Jim: Ew, the exact opposite, actually.
Pete: What's the opposite of a horse?
Jim: Come on.
Jim & Dwight: Sea horse.
Jim: Whoa. How did you know that I was gonna—
Jim & Dwight: Say that? Uncanny.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I didn't realize we were this close.
Phyllis: We're all a little hormonal with the doc airing.
Meredith: Are you gonna come to Poor Richard's and watch with us tonight?
Darryl: Uh... yeah. Depending on traffic.
Stanley: He ain't coming.
Erin: Oh, god!
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck.

Quote from Meredith

Darryl: Well, it's been great.
Phyllis: Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then he's gone for who knows how long.
Darryl: Maybe forever. Anyhow...
Oscar: Did we ever have lunch together, just- Just the two of us? You know what, I'm gonna make reservations right now at Cugino's.
Meredith: Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?
Darryl: Oh. Oh, I'm sure we did.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: You threw the summoning bag at me, sir?
Dwight K. Schrute: I need you to perform a test.
Jim: Perform a test.
Dwight K. Schrute: On an innocent baby.
Jim: Ooh, I like where this is going. Unfortunately, I have a lot of work today so I'm gonna have to hand this off to my number two. But, don't worry, he's the best in the biz.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn straight.
Jim: Unless you think he can't handle it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, he can handle it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Philip, you wanna play a little game? It's called "Schrute or Consequences." You're gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet?
Philip: Beet.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you're no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: So, me and Philip were just talking and we decided we're gonna be best friends. He's a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Hey. You wanted to see me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Door. Chair. It's about Philip.
Angela: I am sorry he's here today but I had-
Dwight K. Schrute: I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal.
Angela: How thoughtful.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet.
Angela: If he is your son, that's a great plan. But he's not. He's not your son.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very well.
Angela: Can I go back to my desk now?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: What do we got?
Dwight K. Schrute: I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.
Jim: Wow! Congratulations, that's a really big step.
Dwight K. Schrute: She's got a ton of great qualities. She's young, she's beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me. My family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn't technically incest.
Jim: Right in the sweet spot. I think you're gonna be really happy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm.
Jim: [whistles] That's a lot of pros.
Dwight K. Schrute: And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up.
Jim: So what is the problem?
Dwight K. Schrute: Angela.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I am gonna drop Philip off at my mother's, and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour.
Angela: Are you sure you don't want me to drop him off?
Oscar: She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman. I don't want to get her hopes up.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floor's up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. [Dwight kisses Creed's head] Oh!

Quote from Kevin

Erin: You have to change the channel to PBS.
Kevin: Yeah.
Bartender: College baseball is on.
Erin: But there's a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it.
Bartender: What's it about?
Erin: A paper company.
Bartender: How many people want the game? [half the bar cheers] Who wants PBS? [other half cheers] Sorry. Tie means I do nothing.
Kevin: Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places.
Andy: One more for the doc. [the Dunder Mifflin staff cheer]
Bartender: All right.
Kevin: Yes!

Quote from Jim

Clark: Hey, how was the singing show audition?
Andy: Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal.
Creed: Okay, thirty seconds to showtime!
Kevin: I feel scared a little.
Phyllis: Yeah, I'm not ready for this.
Stanley: No one is ready for this. You can't be ready for this. We don't even know what this is.
Oscar: One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same.
Jim: Here we go.


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