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‘A.A.R.M.’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

The Office: A.A.R.M.

922. A.A.R.M.

Aired May 9, 2013

As the Dunder Mifflin staff count down to the premiere of the documentary, Jim convinces Dwight he needs to appoint an assistant to the assistant regional manager, Darryl is caught sneaking back to the warehouse after he left without saying goodbye, Pam worries that Jim will resent her for asking him to give up on Athlead, Dwight considers making a proposal, and Angela brings baby Philip to work. Elsewhere, Andy tries to audition for a singing show.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Over the course of this documentary I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it.

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Quote from Creed

Creed: This airs tonight? Oh, my God. If my parents see this, I am toast.

Quote from Meredith

Jim: Okay, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who's excited?
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: I'd better come out of this smelling like a rose. I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras, I would've done some truly vulgar crap.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Erin: [over intercom] The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Kevin: But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. [Erin buzzes him into the office]
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning, I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check... on that later today. This is my grandmother's ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I can't believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.
Erin: Aw, heck ya!
Pam: Nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: You'll always have the upper hand, when you've got a good a-arm. Trademark pending.
Jim: This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corn dog, but that's for fueling only. No savoring.
Dwight K. Schrute: What an honor. God, I envy them.
Jim: He envies you.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't need to repeat right now, when I'm saying it.
Jim: Alright.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew. Every instinct. Every rational calculation.
Dwight K. Schrute: Some sort of virus?
Jim: Love.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're a good assistant, Jim.
Jim: Not as good as you.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's very true. Get the hell outta here.
Jim: You got it.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Well, this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN.
Dwight K. Schrute: Which is, of course...
Jim: Potential future nonsense.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me.
Jim: I'm gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. You've got a regional manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: The power source.
Jim: Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: A loyal, but bungling apostle.
Jim: But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
Dwight K. Schrute: Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.
Jim: Exactly.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'd have to get some more wire and string, but it's doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable?
Jim: Yeah, right. I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests.
Dwight K. Schrute: I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?
Jim: Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?
Dwight K. Schrute: That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now?
Pam: Theme song from Saved by the Bell.
Jim: Oh, my God! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing—none of these people are good enough.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know.
Jim: What I'm about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing I've ever said.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant-
Jim: Is-
Dwight K. Schrute: Me.
[back in the office:]
Jim: The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! Thank you.
Jim: I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. [Dwight awkwardly lunges] That's it. You look really, really good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right?

Quote from Jim

[Pam watches the video featuring the teapot clip from "Christmas Party". Pam sees that Jim took a Christmas card back]
Jim: You watched it.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Well, then I guess you're ready for this. [gives her the Christmas card]
Pam: What's that?
Jim: It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the card] Not enough for me? You are everything.
Pam: Thank you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [over bullhorn] Pull over!
Angela: Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Move to the side of the road!
Angela: Why?
Dwight K. Schrute: Pull over!
Angela: What do you- Dwight! [Dwight cuts her off; they both park at the side of the road; Angela gets out of her car] Dwight! What the [bleep] is your problem!
Dwight K. Schrute: [over bullhorn] Shut up, woman!
Angela: Who drives like that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Philip's not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!
Angela: Can you put that down?
Dwight K. Schrute: This expresses how loudly I love you.
Angela: It's too loud.
Dwight K. Schrute: [puts down bullhorn and gets down on one knee] This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
Angela: Okay, yes. Yes, I will! [they kiss] I love you!
Dwight K. Schrute: I love you!

Quote from Angela

Angela: And I lied to you.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Angela: Philip's your son.
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Why would you say that-
Angela: I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
Dwight K. Schrute: [excited] Get out! I'm a dad!
Angela: You're a dad!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hi, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.
Registrar: Okay, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line.
Andy: Yes!
[to camera as Andy traverses the long line:]
Andy: Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America's Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It's a really cool show. It's like a total reinvention of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean!

Quote from Andy

Andy: This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Angela's divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet. Hey-o.

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