Stanley: Over the course of this documentary I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it.

Jim: Okay, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who's excited?
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: I'd better come out of this smelling like a rose. I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras, I would've done some truly vulgar crap.

Creed: This airs tonight? Oh, my God. If my parents see this, I am toast.

Erin: [over intercom] The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Kevin: But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. [Erin buzzes him into the office]
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning, I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.

Oscar: I can't believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.

Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys.

Dwight K. Schrute: Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check... on that later today. This is my grandmother's ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring.

Jim: Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.
Erin: Aw, heck ya!
Pam: Nice.
Dwight K. Schrute: You'll always have the upper hand, when you've got a good a-arm. Trademark pending.
Jim: This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corn dog, but that's for fueling only. No savoring.
Dwight K. Schrute: What an honor. God, I envy them.
Jim: He envies you.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't need to repeat right now, when I'm saying it.
Jim: Alright.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.

Jim: I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew. Every instinct. Every rational calculation.
Dwight K. Schrute: Some sort of virus?
Jim: Love.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh.

Jim: Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're a good assistant, Jim.
Jim: Not as good as you.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's very true. Get the hell outta here.
Jim: You got it.