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32Quotes from ‘Prince Family Paper’

The Office: Prince Family Paper

513. Prince Family Paper

Aired January 22, 2009

David Wallace sends Michael and Dwight to scope out a local family-run paper company. Meanwhile, the rest of the office debate the "hotness" of an actress.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: In nature, there's something called the food chain. It is where the shark eats the little shark, and the little shark eats the littler shark. And so on and so on and so on, until you get down to the single-cell shark. So now, replace sharks with paper companies. And that is all you need to know about business.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Ladies, are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us? Anything at all? We don't even give him full Internet access.
Kevin: Wait, what?

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I am trying to be more optimistic in life. I've got, what? Twenty, thirty more years left. And my family history says I have less. Now the old Stanley Hudson would have found something to complain about with this actress. But that's no way to live life. Look at this healthy, sexy, pretty, strong young woman. Come on, people. She is hot.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. That's why I hate bittersweet chocolate. I don't even- What's the point of that? Why not just sweet? I mean, who are you helping?

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: What's- What's this?
Jim: Looks like a red wire.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh. That wasn't here before.
Jim: It's a computer, Dwight. I mean, computers have wires.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yours doesn't.
Jim: Doesn't it?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. It's going in a different direction than the other wires.
Jim: I'm really busy. I can't talk about this anymore.
[Dwight follows the red cable]
Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just shut up, Phyllis.
Stanley: What are you doing?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School. Twenty bucks for the whole spool. Crazy. What a deal. Oh. [looking out the window and seeing Dwight climb a telephone pole] He'll be fine. I made it up there.

Quote from Angela

Kevin: Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I kept expecting a second plot twist where we found out that Hilary Swank actually was a boy.
Pam: Kevin!
Angela: Okay, I wasn't going to dignify this discussion by getting involved, and I don't even get the discussion. Hot is a temperature, people. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said. So, yes... She's hot. She's hot as heck. She's a female Boris Becker.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: And it was a terrible war. So many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.
Michael Scott: You're right.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.

Quote from Michael Scott

Roger Prince, Jr.: So why are you considering leaving Dunder Mifflin?
Dwight K. Schrute: My boss.
Roger Prince, Jr.: Oh, yeah? Do tell.
Dwight K. Schrute: His insensitivity could border on the cruel. This is a man who does not listen to the needs of his underlings.
Michael Scott: Hey! Hey!
Dwight K. Schrute: He's way-
Michael Scott: How's the interview going?
Dwight K. Schrute: Very well.
Michael Scott: Don't blow it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Math. That's not so hard. There are four of these. Ignore the parenthesis, right? Why is this little two so small? It's weird. You just don't Just go by the "x." The "x" means "times." So that means four times x-two.
What is double four?
Rebecca: Eight.
Michael Scott: Right. Excellent. Way to go. Nice.
Linda: [to her granddaughter] Don't put that.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: See that? The obvious symmetry of the face. It's the natural appeal of the scientific standard of koinophilia, features that are a composite average of many features. Yes, she's attractive, but she is not hot.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What will happen to that family if I call Wallace and give him this information?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's simple. Wallace would use that information to destroy them.
Michael Scott: Okay. You know, our sales are fine. We're doing fine. They're doing fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Could be better.
Michael Scott: Why don't we live and let live?
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: Live and let live.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not familiar with that.
Michael Scott: It's a James Bond-
Dwight K. Schrute: It doesn't make any sense. Of course, I'm alive.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm not going to make this call.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour her cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel?
Michael Scott: My heart says no.
Dwight K. Schrute: Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it makes some terrible decisions.
Michael Scott: That's true. That's true.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Gosh.
Michael Scott: It has gone down the wrong path many, many times. Jan, Ryan...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You are right. I will call Wallace, and I will give him the customer list. And I will give him all of my info.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are doing the right thing, Michael. Good. So... Where are you going?
Michael Scott: Just something I have to do first.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where are you taking the client list?
Michael Scott: Someplace safe where it can't hurt anyone.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael! Michael! Michael, get back here! Michael, don't do this! Shoot. Freeze. Stop. Give me the list! No! No! I can't let you do this.
Michael Scott: Those people will be ruined!
Dwight K. Schrute: It's business! It's not personal!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] What you talking about, Wallace?
David: Hi, Michael. How are you?
Michael Scott: I'm well. How are you?
David: Very good. So, listen, as you know, we haven't yet filled the regional supervisor job.
Michael Scott: Oh, have you not?
David: Correct, and I was wondering if I could get you to do the fieldwork that would normally go to the supervisor. Okay, there's an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook where we've never done any business. There's a small company there, Prince Paper. I can't get a report on it because it's not a public company. But we've been talking about going after their market. So I was hoping you could do some fact-finding for me.
Michael Scott: okay.
David: I'll fax over some of the things we're looking for.
Michael Scott: Fax? Why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?
David: Look, this is important, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, then e-mail it, David.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, so let's go over the plan again.
Michael Scott: Okay. I'm a local business owner. I need to buy paper. I find out everything about their prices and policies.
Dwight K. Schrute: Your fictious name?
Michael Scott: Michael Scarn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good. I am a paper salesman looking for a new job. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then we meet at Denny's, and we compare notes.
Michael Scott: No. No, I never said Denny's. Ihop.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I said Denny's. You know how I feel about Ihop.
Michael Scott: Don't start.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you a socialist?
Michael Scott: I don't want to get into this debate again. I enjoy Ihop.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll have a cup of coffee.
Michael Scott: You will have pancakes, and you'll like it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The store next to them is for lease.
Michael Scott: So what?
Dwight K. Schrute: It means they're not expanding.
Michael Scott: Maybe they're shrinking.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: They could be shrinking.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, because the sign is centered perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's lunchtime. But no sign of anyone coming in or out, which means they're not taking new customers out to lunch. They're not acquiring new business. So once again, no growth.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh. Yeah. And there are clouds. Clouds in the sky. That means it's gonna rain. Bad for business.
Dwight K. Schrute: It would if they were altocumulus, not cirrostratus.
Michael Scott: Argh, why are you all-
Dwight K. Schrute: Get your clouds right.
Michael Scott: Shut up.

Quote from Michael Scott

Roger Prince, Sr.: How can I help you?
Michael Scott: My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner, and I would like to find out about your company.
Roger Prince, Sr.: Please come in.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Roger Prince, Sr.: What kind of business are you in?
Michael Scott: We're a law firm.
Roger Prince, Sr.: I assume your primary paper needs are stationery, general office.
Michael Scott: You know, I'll be honest with you about something. Where I used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients, and I just didn't feel like a priority. So, I guess my question to you would be [reading from a note], how many clients do you have?
Roger Prince, Sr.: About 80.
Michael Scott: Really? That many? This doesn't seem like a very big operation.
Roger Prince, Sr.: Well, it's just me, my wife and my son.
Michael Scott: Ah. So when- When did you set up shop?
Roger Prince, Sr.: I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam.
Michael Scott: Ooh, Vietnam. I hear it's lovely.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. Topic. Hilary Swank is attractive.
All: Hot.
Kevin: The debate is whether she's hot.
Stanley: What difference does it make? Attractive, hot, beautiful... We're talking about the same thing here.
Kevin: Huge difference. A painting can be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting.
Andy: Okay, T.M.I.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, well, thank you very much for all of your help. Going to be an incredibly hard decision.
Roger Prince, Sr.: Wait. Let me get something for you here. Here's some some references. Our top clients. You call any of them, I trust you'll hear some good things.
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay. All right, thank you.
Roger Prince, Sr.: You're welcome.
Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me, sir. I took the bus here and was wondering if I could catch a ride home with you in your car.
Michael Scott: Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you very much.
Michael Scott: I cannot wait to contact your clients.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll look forward to getting your calls.
[on their way out:]
Michael & Dwight: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: No, no, no. She's hot. Okay? Because if you are saying that Hilary Swank isn't hot, then you're saying I'm not hot, because, obviously, I'm not as hot as Hilary Swank.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Good-bye, Prince Family. Should be called the Sucker Family. "Here you go, shark. Let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth, while I'm at it." Ha-ha. Bye-bye! Suckers.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Save your heart for love and use your brain for business. Right? If we don't do this to Prince Paper, then someone else will. Or worse yet, someone else will do it to us.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm not a shark.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: [on the phone] This is great stuff, Michael. You are a titan of industry, pal. Good work.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
David: Look, I'll be in touch. Thanks, buddy.
Dwight K. Schrute: [to Michael] Guess whose stock just went up, golden boy?

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: Oh, hey. What is this?
Pam: Hilary Swank.
Michael Scott: Oh, she's hot.
[Everyone on Jim's team applauds]
Kevin: Damn it!

Quote from Stanley

Phyllis: You've got no taste, Stanley Hudson.
Stanley: Oh, I do.
Andy: What are you guys talking about?
Stanley: Some actress. Whether she's hot.
Andy: Who's the gal in question?
Phyllis: Hilary Swank.
Creed: Ah, Hilary Swank.

Quote from Jim

Kevin: Not at all.
Meredith: She's got mean eyes.
Pam: Have you seen her with her bangs?
Kevin: She looks like a monster.
Jim: She is a beautiful movie star. So, maybe we should just go to work.
Meredith: She is an amazing actress.
Kevin: But that's not the question.
Phyllis: She's not hot.
Kevin: Thank you, Phyllis.
Jim: Okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote? Then we'll be done with it.
Angela: I'm not voting.
Jim: No one cares.
Jim: Who thinks that Hilary Swank is hot, raise your hand. And who thinks that Hilary Swank is not hot, raise your hands.
Kevin: Five. Five to five.
Jim: Thank you, accounting department.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her to get their secrets?
Michael Scott: I will seduce her.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I wanna seduce her.
Michael Scott: Let me seduce her.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, please-
Michael Scott: No I got it.
Dwight K. Schrute: You'll fall in love with her.
Michael Scott: Yeah. So what if I did? That would take precedence, and I would expect your support.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: So you go in now, I'm gonna go in in exactly ten minutes. We have never met each other.
We are complete strangers. Also, we're gonna need a signal to bolt outta there in case there is danger.
Michael Scott: Fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: And that signal is: lick your lips. Try it. No, no, no. Like this. Good.
Michael Scott: Ready to do this?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Michael Scott: All right. Here come the sharks.
[Michael and Dwight start humming the theme from Jaws]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded, you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock?
Roger Prince, Sr.: You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer.
Michael Scott: Oh, well, that is because I am a genius.
Roger Prince, Sr.: Oh, really?
Michael Scott: Yes. Well, about some things. And other things, I'm just- I'm very stupid. Like watch this. Is this the cup? Is this the cup? Is this what I drink out of? Laughter is my job. Tears are my game. Law is my profession.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello, I'd like to apply for a job.
Roger Prince, Sr.: Hi. I'm afraid we're not hiring right now.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why don't you just get rid of this guy?
Roger Prince, Sr.: That's my son.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm your son now. You can visit him on holidays. Dwight Schrute. I'm a paper salesman at a second-tier paper company called Dunder Mifflin. I'm the top salesman there, and I'm looking for a new challenge. I would say you guys have what? 40 high-volume clients?
Michael Scott: Try 80.
Dwight K. Schrute: 80? That's nothing. I've got 90 clients myself. Better look out. Someone might run you out of business.
Roger Prince, Sr.: Well, I sure hope not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Me too.

Quote from Kevin

Jim: I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures. You know, we don't really see them as real, so therefore, we don't judge them as real people.
Kevin: Are you serious? Jim, just show us a picture.
Oscar: Kevin, come on.
Kelly: Yeah, shut up, Kevin.
Kevin: But he's making all these fancy- It's a gut thing.
Jim: That's fair. Kev, do me a favor. Why don't you close your eyes? Now imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real. She walks over to you and she says, "Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile and there's nothing I'd rather do than make out with you right now." Now you tell me something- Is she hot?
[Kevin smiles and nods, everyone applauds as he walks over to the other side of the room.]
Jim: Does that end the debate? Or- Kev, what are you doing?
Kevin: No, it's "is she hot?", not "would you do her?" Respect the game.


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