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‘Launch Party’ Quotes

The Office: Launch Party

405. Launch Party

Aired October 11, 2007

As Dunder Mifflin gets ready to launch its new website, Michael is excited to be invited to the launch party in New York. Meanwhile, Dwight attempts to keep his crown as the best salesman and out sell the website. When Angela throws a party for the launch at the Scranton branch, things don't go to plan after Michael orders pizza.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please! The computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen up, kid. I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights.

Quote from Jim

Jim: How's it going?
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine. Good.
Jim: Yeah?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Jim: You look a little worried.
Dwight K. Schrute: I do not look worried.
[Dwight receives an I.M. from DunMiff/sys reading "You do look worried.". Dwight composes a message in response.]
Pam: [reading] "Here's a suggestion, computer. I assume you read binary. So why don't you 011-11-011-011?"
Jim: [telling Pam what to type] Um, while you were typing that, I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. Oh, and sold more paper.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day at work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
Pam: Yeah. "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk-mate Dwight."
Jim: And that's when I knew. You?
Pam: You came up to my desk and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired."
Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?
Pam: Yep.
Jim: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?
Pam: Nope.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [answering phone] Hello? Hey. Hang on a second. [answering a second phone] Hello? Hang on.
[singing to Angela, guys on phone join in] If you change your mind I'll be first in line Honey, I'm still free Take a chance on me If you need me let me know Gonna be around If you got no place to go If you're feeling down If you're all alone When the pretty birds have flown Honey, I'm still free Take a chance on me Gonna do my very best And that ain't no lie If you put me to the test If you let me try Take a chance on me. That's all I ask of you, Angela. Take a chance on me.

Quote from Jim

Jim: You need to let him go.
Michael Scott: Let go of little jerk boy? Before he has learned his lesson?
Jim: Yes.
Michael Scott: You know what, Jim? World would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.
Jim: Yes, but not by kidnapping them.
Michael Scott: I'm not kidnapping him. I'm keeping him until I get what I want.
Jim: As a hostage.
Michael Scott: I think you're overthinking it.
Jim: I think you're under-thinking it.

Quote from Ryan

[Ryan is interview with his feet up on a desk in a large, corner office]
Ryan: Yeah, I created a website. Look. At the end of the day, Apple's apple is flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company. And I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest.
Thomas Dean: [o.s.] I told you I don't want you doing these things. You can use your own office or do it in the hall.
[Ryan continues in a smaller office:]
Ryan: Convergence, viral marketing. We're going guerrilla. We're taking it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street, Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is. Buying paper just became fun.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I've seen this kid before. He's one of the kids who sneaks onto my farm and steals my hemp.
[aside to camera:]
Pizza guy: Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Yes, is Alfredo there? May I speak to manager then? Okay, could you tell the manager that I am keeping his delivery kid until I get my discount on the eight pizzas I ordered? Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also, I would like him to throw in two- three pizzas, um, just for our-
Jim: Ransom.
Michael Scott: Trouble. Okay. All right.
Jim: What'd he say?
Michael Scott: He said no.
Jim: So we should let him go.
Michael Scott: No, no.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: What's going on?
Jim: Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands.
Michael Scott: Mr. Overdramatic. What's up, Kev?
Kevin: We're getting hungry out there. We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza from Alfredo's pizza cafe while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They're unreadable. They're just numbers, and boring, and black. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic. Like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud. And, when we have a good quarter fireworks. Or a race car. [everybody sighs] Doesn't have to be a race car. Use your imagination.

Quote from Jim

Jim: There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day. And sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen and at the last minute it hits the wall and bounces away. We are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it.
[later, also to camera:]
Pam: I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing. Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that? I saw it!

Quote from Michael Scott

[As Michael talks, the employees are busy watching the DVD screensaver on the TV]
Michael Scott: We have a lot of colored paper here. Why, oh, why, do we keep printing this on white?
Andy: No! Come on!
Michael Scott: Yeah. I know. I know. It's bland.
Oscar: It's never gonna happen.
Kevin: Dude, you've gotta believe.
Michael Scott: Maybe we could have some sort of riddle-
Jim: Wait for it.
Pam: Uh-huh.
Michael Scott: Like something that you have to look for Sort of a Where's Waldo? [everyone cheers and applauds] All r- All right. Let's quit while we're ahead.
Kevin: That was so awesome.
Michael Scott: That was awesome. Thank you. [later, to camera] Some days, I am just on fire. What can I say?

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Hey, there he is.
Jim: Hey, Meredith. How you feeling?
Meredith: I never thanked you for coming to the hospital.
Jim: Oh, please, it was my pleasure. Well, we all came, so-
Meredith: Well, I real appreciate you coming. I'm singling you out. Anyway, I have this sharpie. And I was wondering if you could sign my cast. [Meredith lifts up her blouse to reveal a cast around her pelvis.] Can you write where I can read it?
Jim: Oh, yep.
Meredith: [whispering] I'll read this when I get home.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who were both already prone to unpleasantness.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I googled "how to deal with difficult people," and I got all of this. So we're gonna try out some new things today.
[cut to:]
Phyllis: So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says "lunch"?
Angela: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
Phyllis: I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be awful.
Angela: It is awful. You've made this day awful.

Quote from Phyllis

Angela: I asked for assorted cutlery, and I got back spoons. These are worthless.
Phyllis: I want to understand what you're saying, but it's difficult for me when you use that tone.
Angela: Phyllis, these are spoons. Spoons have round tops and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks which have prongs or tiny spears on top. And we need knives which have blades. Do you understand me now?
Phyllis: Yes.
Angela: Goody.

Quote from Darryl

Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer, and every sale counts.
Kelly: But you get to put the paper in the little shopping cart and then it says, "Thanks for shopping with Dunder Mifflin."
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!
Darryl: Who knows?
Dwight K. Schrute: Return it. Return it now.
Darryl: Hey. How about instead of yelling at our sweet Miss Kapoor over 500 sheets of paper, you get back to your desk and start selling multiple reams, like a man.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't understand. Okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible.
Darryl: Who's "it"?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use them. What did intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: You're going to let me know when we're close?
Michael Scott: Yes. Actually, I will tell you right now. It's a club called chat room, and there's a password to get in.
Which is actually "password," so- Okay. What are you doing?
Jim: That is an invitation to an online party.
Michael Scott: No.
Jim: Yep.
Michael Scott: I'm sure that's not-
Jim: Are there three "Ws" at the beginning of the address?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jim: Yep.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Well, the invitation says "VIPs only." Is this how you treat your VIPs, Ryan? We're already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me that I have to drive back to Scranton to the satellite party, I am going to throw up.
Okay, I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up. You're making me throw up, Ryan.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know that is is like? I will tell you what this is like. This is like when the freshmen would throw a party, and wouldn't let any of the seniors go.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face. To realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I'd cared about. But you know, I'm not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How we doing on time?
Angela: The party starts in an hour.
Michael Scott: Good, these are some things that I would like to have happen.
Angela: "Beer, light beer, streamers, orchids, better lighting, something made of ice."
Michael Scott: Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel.
Angela: "Pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak? "
Michael Scott: I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important-
Angela: "Chocolates, someone famous, cool music, confetti, go-go dancers"?
Michael Scott: I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web cam and say, "How did they get Al Roker to come?"

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing.
[Everyone groans]
Michael Scott: You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo.
[Everyone groans]
Michael Scott: All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Oh, no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.

Quote from Andy

Andy: They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pizza guy: Uh, $63.50, and that's not including tip.
Michael Scott: Right, I've a coupon, so half of $63.50, and half the tip on $63.50.
Pizza guy: The half-off coupons only apply to orders of two pizzas.
Michael Scott: No, I told them on phone I was ordering eight pizzas.
Pizza guy: I don't care what you told them on the phone. That's our policy.
Michael Scott: You didn't actually think that I was gonna spend 60 bucks on pizza?
Oscar: It's not pizza.
Michael Scott: Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon.
Pizza guy: [shrugs]
Michael Scott: What do you mean hmm-mmm?
Pizza guy: Not my problem.
Michael Scott: It is your problem. That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off. End of story.
Pizza guy: Great story. It's sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip.
Michael Scott: I'm not giving that to you.
Pizza guy: Well, then you're not getting your pizzas.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No, no, you're not- You are not going anywhere. You're going to stay here until we figure this out.
Pizza guy: What?
Michael Scott: You know what? This young man needs to learn that that's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow-through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room. Right now. Get in the conference room.
Pizza guy: I'm not going in there.
Michael Scott: Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are. And you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza. Please. Thank you.
Pizza guy: This is stupid.
Michael Scott: No, you don't even know what stupid is! It's about to get all stupid up in here!

Quote from Oscar

Stanley: You find anything?
Kevin: We think it's a straight forward kidnapping.
Oscar: Stanley, could you look up "accomplices?"
Stanley: Why can't you guys do it?
Oscar: Because we're looking up "jail time."
Stanley: Fine.

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: [on video conference] And now, from my old hometown, Scranton, Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Hey. I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer. So take that, ass[beep]
Ryan: Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear.
Pizza Guy: [to the camera] If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor.

Quote from Jim

Jim: A toast. Better make it good. To avoiding a class 2 felony charge.

Quote from Michael Scott

Guy: Hey, you're the Scranton guy.
Michael Scott: Guilty.
Guy: I liked your statement tonight.
Michael Scott: Oh. Okay. Thanks. This is the guy that beat the computer.
Guy: Oh, very cool. It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that.
Michael Scott: Yeah. See you later. Later on. [mimicking Ryan] I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would. Because it didn't work out for me. I'm very embarrassed. I have egg all over my face. And I'm 12 years old.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I spent so much time in Scranton, but I never sold any paper.
Michael Scott: I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot. I started a fire with my cheese peeler.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I dated an Indian girl.
Michael Scott: I started a fire. I started a beard.
Dwight K. Schrute: Now I got a beard. And I have new shoes and I'm your boss.
Michael Scott: I'm hot. I'm so hot. That- That's why everybody-
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't get- I don't understand that.
Michael Scott: Well, that's part of it.


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