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‘Search Committee’ Quotes

The Office: Search Committee

725. Search Committee

Aired May 19, 2011

The search committee Jo appointed, including Jim, Toby and Gabe, interviews a variety of clients for the manager position. Meanwhile, Pam tries to keep Creed from causing too much damage as acting manager, Angela gets a proposal, and Erin and Phyllis wait for news.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture. Intel has told us there were at least seven.
Creed: Okay. I already see one, gimme. Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: They're the same picture.

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Quote from Jim

Warren Buffett: Can you do any better on salary?
Jim: Unfortunately, that range is set at corporate.
Warren Buffett: What about mileage when I use my car? I mean, gas ain't cheap, you know.
Jim: Heh. We think that 25 cents a mile is pretty generous.
Warren Buffett: How about 27? And, uh, when I make long-distance calls, will they be monitored or is it on the honor system?

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Think about it! What other mammal, besides humans, drinks the milk of another mammal? I mean, you don't see a bear drinking raccoon milk.

Quote from Robert

Dwight K. Schrute: What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview? [Robert stares at Dwight] What are you doing..? [Dwight sits up abruptly] Stop trying to figure me out.
Robert: I just did.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't.
Robert: It's done.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, it's not.
Robert: I know you now. I know your nature. I'm done. Not worth continuing.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't know me! Anything about me! Get out of my head! Stop trying to figure me out. Do you even know anything about paper? How it's made?
Robert: I saw an episode of how they make paper on Sesame Street.
Dwight K. Schrute: Get out.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: What was that?
Gabe: We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so...
Kelly: Am I not a serious candidate?
Gabe: What do you want me to say? I mean, there's a line of qualified people out there. We have a video CV from England. [to Jim and Toby] Are we all just gonna pretend to-- okay. [to Kelly] Um, what are your weaknesses?
Kelly: I don't have any, ass[bleep].

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: I want an outsider.
Jim: Perfect. There are several outside candidates that we think would be really-
Ryan: No, I mean an outsider. Like someone on the margins of society, who doesn't see things the way we do, like a homeless person.
Pam: A homeless person. Really? A homeless person.
Ryan: No, you're right, Pam, let's just leave him to the welfare system and let that handle it.
Pam: No, I want you to say that you think the best person to be our new manager is a homeless person.
Ryan: Let me guess who you want, Pam. Rachael Ray? The ladies of The View?
[aside to camera:]
Ryan: I got away with everything under the last boss, and it wasn't good for me, at all. So, I want guidance. I want leadership. But don't just, like, boss me around, you know? Like, lead me. Lead me... when I'm in the mood... to be led.

Quote from Oscar

Angela: Then I saw flashes. Reporters were there. They always find us. And everyone was crying, even his aide.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: Angela's engaged to a gay man. As a gay man, I'm horrified. As a friend of Angela's, horrified. As a lover of elegant weddings, I'm a little excited. But overall, horrified.

Quote from Robert

Toby: How will your experience selling refinery equipment translate to our smaller scale here?
Robert: You don't work in sales, do you?
Toby: Uh, human resources.
Robert: You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now, does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep-sea drilling equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only... sex. Everything... is sex. You understand that what I'm telling you is a universal truth... Toby?
Toby: Yes.

Quote from Jo

Jo: Oh for god's sake. He's texting me his resume one line at a time. These are costing me ten cents a piece, you jackass! I'm roaming!

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: [on the phone] Yes, there used to be a paper clip that would pop up and say "Looks like you are writing a letter or resume. Would you like help?" I believe his name was... Clippy.

Quote from Creed

Creed: It's a beautiful morning at Dunder-Mifflin, or as I like to call it, Great Bratton. [tosses keys to a non-existent valet] Keep it running.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: First, I'll take down the cubicle walls.
Toby: But there aren't...
Nellie: Symbol of transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone would have the same job. Same goes for me. I'd take your job, but I'd reject the title.
Gabe: A little unspecific.
Nellie: Everyone would be known for their accomplishments.
Jim: That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there, and if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?
Nellie: Ooh? Yeah. Mm. Scratch everything from before. I tell you what I'd do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss, and that person can fire the person below them.
Jim: That's crazy.
Nellie: At least once a month, the lowest performing person... bye-bye!
Gabe: How would you compare, like, an accountant and HR?
Nellie: Well, I'll tell you how. Shall I? I'll tell you how.
Gabe: Okay.
Nellie: By splitting the difference. Just... Just, somewhere in the middle.
Jim: I think that's probably all we need to hear from....
Nellie: Zen office. Hmm? Thought of that? That's what I'd do. Everyone takes their shoes off, before they come in. Okay. There'd be no desks. You just sit on the floor.
Jim: That's very...
Nellie: You've got a Thai woman, out the back. Sockee! Sockee!
Gabe: Okay, that's not gonna be...
Nellie: Sockee!... is her name. Okay? She's administering massage, alright, if you need it. If you don't, whatever, just talk to her! She's a person! Either way, 50 minutes of that and you... You are cracking to go.

Quote from Stanley

Oscar: Is there a front runner?
Jim: You know what? They all just sort of blend together after a while.
Oscar: Well, there must be someone who stands out.
Jim: No, not at all. In fact, I'm not even taking it seriously. I think at the end of the day, I'm just gonna pick a name out of the hat.
Oscar: Well...
Stanley: The hell you will! I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle, which I intend to.
Ryan: [weakly] Oh, no, Stanley, you'll live forever.
Stanley: My next boss will be my last boss. He'll be at my funeral. So I would appreciate it if you would take this seriously.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Do I love being manager?... I love my kids. I love real estate. I love ceramics. I love my job. I-I love wrestling.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Okay, team building! On this side of the room, Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy, and this side of the room, Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed...
[aside to camera:]
Jim: He never called a meeting.

Quote from Creed

Creed: BO-BODDY! BO-BODDY. What does the first "B" stand for?
Pam: What are we doing?
Creed: We're making acronyms. Okay! What does the first "B" stand for?
Kevin: Um... Business!
Creed: I like it! Business! Good, Kevin! [writes "BIZNU"] All right! The "O"...
[aside to camera:]
Pam: We need a new manager.

Quote from Jim

Jim: We are the Search Committee, hand-picked by our CEO, and tasked to find this branch's new manager. Not everyone we meet will be good, but someone's bound to be, right? And, to be honest, I think a lot of the decent candidates are right here in-house, so, I'm not too worried. But I'm really excited to spend a lot of time with Toby and Gabe. Did you know that Gabe's last name was Lewis? I had no idea.

Quote from Darryl

Stanley: Good morning.
Darryl: Good morning.
Phyllis: Good morning.
Darryl: Good morning.
Phyllis: Did you have a nice drive in?
Darryl: I did.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have a solid relationship with Jo, the company's owner. I have management experience. I have a good friendship with Jim, the head of the Search Committee, and it doesn't hurt that I'm... [in sing-song voice] bla-aaack!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Should you really be so blatant about that?
Dwight K. Schrute: They won't make me manager, and I won't settle for anything less. I've gone about as far as I can here. That's obvious. Time to take my talents elsewhere.
Pam: Are you really going to apply for work at Scranton Breadworks?
Dwight K. Schrute: Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.

Quote from Robert

Gabe: Okay, I-I am, I'm almost a little concerned that you might be overqualified for the position. [Robert and Gabe chuckle at this] Do you, um, do you think that you are?
Robert: Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?
Gabe: No. [Robert then nods his head at Jim]
Jim: Can you... [clears throat] You are a man of great confidence. Could you speak a little more to that, and, what the role of confidence... would be... in a dialogue with a subordinate?
Robert: Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now, Jim? Do you have a voice, right now? ... You can answer me.
Jim: Yes.
Robert: That was your choice, not mine. The fallacy is that it is up to the steamroller. It is up to the object... whether it will be flattened or not, and I can tell from the small interaction we've had already, you won't be flattened by anybody. Do you agree with me, Jim?
Jim: Yes.
Robert: Yes! You do.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: How many windows are there in New York City?
Andy: What?
Gabe: Critical thinking. Common, on-the-spot question asked in an interview.
Andy: Okay. Let me think... Are you counting car windows?
Gabe: No... How far away is the Sun?
Andy: [happily] Uh, 93 million miles.
Jim: [to Gabe] Is it?
Andy: Yeah! And the diameter of the Sun is 870,000 miles, which makes it 109 times wider than the Earth, and... 333,000 times heavier than the Earth,...
Gabe: Shut up about the Sun! Shut up about the Sun! [slams fist]

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.
Jim: Your department's just you, right?
Kelly: Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jo: Who is this?
Gabe: I have no idea.
Jim: Oh, I know this guy. Hello! Mr. Souvenier. Mr. Jacques Souvenier. Nice to meet you. It says here you're French. So you worked at your last job for 15 years as Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: [mumbling in a French accent] Assistant Regional Manager.
Jim: Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: [again] Assistant Regional Manager.
Jim: What is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Assistant Regional Manager.
Jim: Oh, that's my mistake, sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper? That's a travesty.
Jo: I want to talk to Dwight Schrute for a second. I want to ask him a question. [to Gabe] Get Dwight. If he isn't here in sixty seconds...
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh. Wait. Wait! No. Stop! Stop. Jo... it's me. I'm Dwight.
Jim: No! No! Wait, but, I mean, you're Dwight, and then... He's the... [trails off] Oh.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Gabe: Very unprofessional, Jacques. Or, should I say, Dwight.
Jo: Let's just say I had hired this Jack Souvenir. Then what?
Dwight K. Schrute: I would have dressed this way every day, legally changed my name, learned French sign language, shown up, and been the best damn branch manager you'd ever seen!
Jo: All that for this job.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Jo: That's [beep] crazy. Get outta here. [Dwight leaves] What a nutjob.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay! If you're not going to interview me, then I'll do it.
Jim: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: What will be your first priority? I will have seven first priorities. Safety, profits, fostering a community of self-reliance and entrepreneurship, listening, respect for human life, bolstering our public image, and... getting everyone home on time. Dwight, let me be frank. In an accident that no one can blame you for, an antique gun was discharged while you were acting manager. How are we ever to trust you again? [whispering] That's a great question. I am going to institute a strict no-firearms policy for this office that extends to myself as well. Wow. All of my concerns are disappearing.
Jim: Thank you, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you. [clears throat and gets up] You'll be hearing from us shortly, Mr. Schrute, and I think you're gonna like the call you're going to receive. [smiles] Oh, come on. I'm just happy that I got this meeting.

Quote from Robert

Fred: No, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I will be the new boss of... [looks back to glance at lobby directory] Vance Refrigeration.
[also to camera:]
Merv: Honestly, I think I- I sabotaged myself. It's like I'm afraid of being happy. Case in point, I was supposed to start another job today.
[also to camera:]
Robert: [chuckles] I will get offered the job. That's a call I've received many times. The slight hopefulness in their voice, the pregnant pause while they wait to hear my response, and then... my response.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work with their weak, passionless leadership. Do you see my hat? No? That's because I just threw it in the ring.

Quote from Gabe

Jim: So, Andy, what improvements would you make as office manager?
Andy: For starters, I really think we can streamline communication around here...
Gabe: Whoa! That's a very heavy accusation to level against Toby.
Andy: I wasn't acc-, accusing...
Gabe: Well, Toby's in charge of Human Resources, that would include communication. I think that Toby's done a fine job.
Andy: Right! I really wasn't trying to insult any, anyone.
Toby: I didn't think you were.
[aside to camera:]
Gabe: I have two relationships with Andy. I have a personal relationship, and I have a professional relationship. Personally, yeah, I think he's a rat, and I think he's responsible for the demise of my relationship with Erin. Professionally... he broke up the happiest couple in this office!

Quote from Kelly

Oscar: I think it should be Darryl.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: What a surprise! Minorities sticking together.
Oscar: Kelly's on your side.
Kelly: I'm sorry, is that all you think of me? A minority? I am so much more than that. I am a dancer, I'm a singer, I'm a fashion designer.

Quote from Darryl

Jo: Whose is this? Darryl Philbin. Oh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top. Ah... A little long aren't we? Four pages? Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in ten years at one company?
Darryl: Yes, thanks to you, who promoted me, after we, uh, interfaced.
Jo: Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory. 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what?
Darryl: Paper material, ma'am.
Jo: Paper material?
Darryl: [softly] Pieces of paper.

Quote from Jo

Jo: Let's get Kelly in here to take his place.
Jim: Um, why Kelly?
Jo: 'Cause Gabe's tall and weak. She's short and strong. I'm doing an opposites thing.

Quote from Pam

Oscar: Pam, I think Robert is gay.
Pam: The Senator? He was married before, and he has a kid.
Oscar: So!?
Pam: And don't say that thing about how lots of gay guys have kids.
Oscar: I have a very strong suspicion.
Pam: Did you see him at a bathhouse?
Oscar: What bathhouse?
Pam: The windowless building by the Baskin Robbins.
Oscar: What?
Pam: Forget it. I'm never gonna know what goes on there.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Your paper experience is very interesting. Do you think you could use that experience to inform decisions here?
Fred: Absolutely. I- Yes. In fact, I actually have a three-step plan that I believe could effectively double your profits.
Jim: Really?
Fred: Yeah.
Jim: ... What is it?
Fred: Nice try.
Toby: I'm sorry. What is your three-step plan?
Fred: Well, I mean, I can't just hand you my plan. I mean, if you guys give me the job, then, then you'll get the plan.
Gabe: Well, it's an interview, and we don't know that you really have the plan.
Fred: Well, I'm not gonna just make up that I have a plan. I got a plan. Believe me, you guys want it. You're in paper, right?
Gabe: How do we know that, if you don't...
Jim: You could just be saying it to get the job.
Fred: I guess I could be, if I was... Who would do that?
Jim: How about this. Why don't you give us a part of the plan, and that way we know you have it.
Fred: Tell you what. I'll give you part three of part two. Not gonna give you a whole part.
Jim: Okay.
Fred: Color-code said documents, TM.
Jim: Did you just trademark that?
Toby: W-What?
Fred: That's a verbal trademark. That's an agreement.

Quote from Andy

Erin: It's good. I really hope you get it.
Andy: The manager job? Nah, I'm barely interested. I just can't not go for it. You know, it's not the Bernard way. We give it the old college try, and then, in defeat, we show grace.
Erin: Still, I'd really like to see this office with you in the boss's chair.
Andy: Don't even... Ah!
Erin: You in the boss's chair!
Andy: Ah! No. [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Andy: In my family, you don't really go out and get things. If you want something, you write it on a list, and then the housekeeper goes out and gets it, on Wednesdays and Fridays. So, I don't know, I guess you could say this job is on my list, and... [awkwardly smiling] we'll see what Rosa comes back with.

Quote from Phyllis

Erin: Did you hear anything?
Phyllis: Oh, I'm sure they'll let us know when they get the results.
[together, to camera:]
Phyllis: It turns out that Erin was born in the basic time and region that I gave away a child.
Erin: So, Phyllis might be my mom. I mean, the chances are tiny, but...
Phyllis: But... Yeah. Probably not, I mean, it was a big year for babies. Porky's had come out.
Erin: Yeah. I'm sure I was just another Porky's baby.
Phyllis: Mm.
Erin: But why not find out.
Phyllis: Yeah.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [about Robert] He creeps me out. But, I think he might be a genius.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: So this is cool. I think we make a good fit.
Gabe: Oh? Uh... we haven't started the interview yet. Were you- Were you joking?
Darryl: Uh... yes. I was. [sits back down] Little joke!
Toby: So, how would you go about settling interpersonal conflicts within the office?
Darryl: I thought that was your job.
Toby: Well, it's one of my strengths, but it's the manager's job.
Jim: Well, for instance, how did you deal with it when two warehouse guys got into a fight?
Darryl: I'll answer that, Jim. I would use it as an opportunity to teach, uh, about actions... and consequences... of actions.

Quote from Robert

Merv: Did, uh, you just interview?
Robert: Oh, unfortunately, yes.
Merv: What do you mean?
Robert: That business can't attract anyone. It's awful up there. Those people seem like they're in prison, waiting out life sentences in a... dying industry.
Merv: Place must be horrible. I don't know if I want this job. [gets on elevator]
[aside to camera:]
Merv: Well, if I get this job offer, and then I know that I'm gonna take it, and if I take it, I know that I'm never gonna quit, and then 25 years are gonna go by and... I'm gonna die here.

Quote from Toby

Merv: You guys pay for relocation, though, right?
Toby: Well, why would you need relocation, if you already live in Scranton?
Merv: Well, I'd want to move further away, you know? Just... I don't want any chance to run into my co-workers outside the office.
Jim: Can I ask why you're leaving your current job?
Merv: [opens his briefcase, takes out a tupperware container] I'm leaving my other job because they were all jerks, really. [opens tupperware] You know, all of 'em. You had your jerk-wads, and your jerk-offs, so, just between the wads and the offs, I just... I had to get outta there. [begins eating sandwich]
Jim: Is this a bad time to be doing this?
Merv: I'm having a bad time. [chuckles]
Toby: I'm sorry, if we did something to upset you, I'm sure it was inadvertent.
Merv: [slowly chews, then looks confused] ... Wait.
[aside to camera:]
Merv: Oh, why did I believe that weirdo in the lobby? These are the nicest people I ever met.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I think Andy should be the boss. He's just so great. If I'm being objective, then Darryl, of course.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [alone in his car] I am unhappy with the confusing and, at times, confrontational nature of that meeting. I wanted it to go better. [screaming] I wanted it to go better!

Quote from Creed

Creed: [on the phone] First of all, I want to thank you for your years of patronizing our company. I've got some bad news. We're going out of business. [covers phone, whispers to Pam] Saving face. [uncovers phone] Yep, yep. I understand that. Basically everything is falling apart here.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: How's the family?
Jim: Good!
Dwight K. Schrute: Good. They good?
Jim: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's your daughter's name again? Peepee?
Jim: Peepa.
Dwight K. Schrute: Peepa, how is she?
Jim: Great.
Dwight K. Schrute: Great! Oh, that's great... We never were very good at small talk, were we, Jim?
Jim: No.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Now, listen...
Jim: You're not getting an interview, Dwight. The whole point of this Search Committee process is to prevent hiring someone like you ever again.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I know why you're saying that, Jim. I really do. But think of it this way. The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.
Jim: Okay. That's vivid.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm going to make you an offer. Okay? You even do so little as grant me an interview, I will guarantee you your dream work life. Okay? You roll in at 10 a.m. to your own private reserved parking spot, pick up your daily free coffee from Dwight's Caffeine Corner, unlimited sex breaks for you and Pam...
Jim: Yikes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Erin will eat garbage for your entertainment.
Jim: Well, you know how I like taking bribes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ha ha!
Jim: But unfortunately, Jo also took the job away from you because she doesn't trust your judgment. So how would that look for me, if I recommended you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine. I'll do it without you, but you'll regret this.

Quote from Ryan

Oscar: My friend at the Scranton Blade is totally plugged into these matters.
Pam: You're in the gay mafia.
Oscar: You're thinking of another group. Much wealthier, much older. You sound ignorant.
Ryan: You guys, um, talking Senator?
Pam: No.
Oscar: No. Why would we be talking about the Senator?
Ryan: 'Cause he's totally gay?
[aside to camera:]
Ryan: Um, how do I know that Robert is gay? He "liked" my Facebook photos at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: You pick a crappy boss, you're responsible for my crappy life.

Quote from Ryan

Jim: Okay, everybody, I was just making a joke. I am taking it seriously, I promise.
Oscar: Are you? [leaves]
Ryan: Little advice? Take a day off from the whole Jim shtick. Try caring about something. You might like how it feels... James.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I don't think we should tell her. Angela went a whole day without telling me I had lettuce in my teeth. Screw her.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Okay, but if Angela can get a gay man to marry her, maybe I could get a lesbian to marry me? Huh? Huh? That's hot.
Oscar: You have met a lesbian in real life, right?

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Excuse me, Ms. Bennett, may I have a word?
Jo: Okay.
Kelly: Uh, can it be in private? [to Gabe] Don't worry, it's not about you. [Gabe smiles and leaves] As Minority Executive, I think it's my responsibility to let you know that Gabe is gross. I don't think it's professional that he was sleeping with the receptionist, and then when Erin dumped him, so that she could be with Andy, he became a total crazy stalker psycho.
Jo: Welcome to Scranton, Jo. Land of a thousand problems only you can fix.

Quote from Creed

Creed: [to Jordan] Get me our biggest client on the phone, right this instant. [closes his office door]
Jordan: Who is our biggest client?
Pam: Uh, just put him through to me.
Jordan: [laughs] Okay.
Pam: [answering phone] Hello! This is... the client.
Creed: It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps, you in?
Pam: Yes.
Creed: [chuckles] Cool. Let's keep this on the QT, okay? I uh, I don't want you to be a dead mamma jamma.
Pam: Great.
Creed: All right, thank you, bye-bye.
Pam: Thank you, bye-bye.

Quote from Jim

Jim: This guy was good. Although, he did keep saying that he needed two weeks off right at the beginning for a trip to the Fingerlakes. Seriously. Every five minutes, he was like, "just making sure the Fingerlakes thing is clear."
Jo: Okay, it's fun to talk about the rejects, but uh, who's got ya excited?
Jim: Fingerlakes guy is good. Darryl is also very good.

Quote from Angela

Angela: [loudly] Stanley, I won't be able to invite everyone to the wedding, because we want to keep it to 350.
Stanley: I'll get over it.
Angela: I mean, we just have to see how many senators and members of congress want to attend, before we can open it up to regular people. Pam, you know how you and Jim did your ironic wedding? Do you still have the plans for the dream wedding that you couldn't afford?
Pam: That was our dream wedding.
Angela: Niagara Falls? Pregnant? That was your dream? Pork medallions?

Quote from Jim

Jim: All right. Name.
Dwight K. Schrute: Dwight Schrute.
Jim: Thank you, Mr. Schnoot. [closes his binder] We will let you know.
Dwight K. Schrute: You have to interview me.
Jim: I just did. The answer to that one question told me everything I need to know.
Dwight K. Schrute: I demand more questions!
Jim: [ignoring Dwight] All right, guys, good day, a lot of candidates. Let's discuss.

Quote from Kelly

Jim: Well, that was quick.
Kelly: Very, very interesting. And you know what? I'm impressed.
Jim: He's not a real candidate.
Kelly: I don't know, Jim, 'cause, makes me think about something my grandfather used to say, which is that, sometimes, the hand that jumps out of the grave and grabs you around the throat; that is the hand that you want on the wheel.
Jim: You took the deal.
Kelly: Yeah, it was a great deal.
Jim: That's not okay.
Kelly: I don't know. Dwight seems like a great leader to me, and I look forward to the personal perks that he promised me privately. What do you think, Toby?
Toby: Well, we could try him out for a little while and if it doesn't work out, you know, maybe one of us could, you know, step in...
Jim: What is happening right now?

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: I just want, for once, a smart, professional, decisive, well-hung man in his forties.
Jim: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Meredith: Okay, fine. Uh, the guy with a tiny penis. Are you happy? [sarcastically] Let's hire that guy!
Andy: She may have a point there. Would a small penis work? Small-to-moderate.

Quote from Gabe

Gabe: Gotta catch a plane.
Pam: Oh, hey Gabe, I'm sorry, we... We didn't get you a cake or anything. We're gonna miss you.
Gabe: Oh, well I'm still the corporate liaison to the branch.
Kelly: You are not leaving without giving me a hug. [hugs Gabe] Ugh.
Gabe: Okay, you know what, you don't need to make that sound.
Kelly: I'm sorry! You were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be!
Gabe: There are plenty of people who love touching me. I'm a terrific hugger. I've been with a bunch of girls where that's basically all they want to do. I will see you all soon.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Jada, no, no, no. Jada, what are you doing? Oh. So sorry, guys. I hope my family didn't disrupt your meeting.
Jada: Daddy, are these the people who are making you manager?
Darryl: [sighs] Maybe, sweetheart. Single dad. Challenges.
Jada: I don't know if he'd be a good manager, but he's a really great dad!
Darryl: Okay, shush. This was a mistake. Let's go.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Sometimes you hear about people failing upwards. I think I'm about to do that.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: This job? Oh, yeah, I'll get it. Jo's an old friend. I think... I'm her best friend. She's not my best friend.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Every day I have a blueberry muffin. Today, I did not have a blueberry muffin. Should have had the blueberry muffin. Especially considering how incredibly superstitious I am.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Fingerlakes Guy: I want the job. I really do. It's just, the rest of my family's in the Fingerlakes right now. I'm supposed to be in the Fingerlakes right now. I told them I was on a hike; snuck away to do this interview. I gotta get back pretty soon; they'll worry. People disappear in the Fingerlakes.
[also to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I will run this branch, or I will destroy this branch, or... [shrugs] I don't know. Something always works out.

Quote from Pam

Creed: [on the phone] You remind me so much of my fourth-biggest client.
Pam: [in high-pitched, damsel-like voice] Is that right?
Creed: I think you two should meet.
Pam: Well, okay!
Creed: Hey, Jordana! Patch my ninth- and fourth-biggest clients together. [Pam puts down phone and picks it back up]
Pam: [a comedic male voice] Hello!
Pam: [damsel-like voice] Hello!
Pam: Hi, how are ya?
Pam: Oh, I'm good! Don't you just love paper, and things about paper!
Pam: Hey, are you single? This seems like a love connection to me!
Creed: It's Kismet!


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