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‘Search Committee’ Quotes Page 1 of 5

The Office: Search Committee

725. Search Committee

Aired May 19, 2011

The search committee Jo appointed, including Jim, Toby and Gabe, interviews a variety of clients for the manager position. Meanwhile, Pam tries to keep Creed from causing too much damage as acting manager, Angela gets a proposal, and Erin and Phyllis wait for news.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Think about it! What other mammal, besides humans, drinks the milk of another mammal? I mean, you don't see a bear drinking raccoon milk.

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Quote from Kelly

Kelly: What was that?
Gabe: We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so...
Kelly: Am I not a serious candidate?
Gabe: What do you want me to say? I mean, there's a line of qualified people out there. We have a video CV from England. [to Jim and Toby] Are we all just gonna pretend to-- okay. [to Kelly] Um, what are your weaknesses?
Kelly: I don't have any, ass[bleep].

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: I want an outsider.
Jim: Perfect. There are several outside candidates that we think would be really-
Ryan: No, I mean an outsider. Like someone on the margins of society, who doesn't see things the way we do, like a homeless person.
Pam: A homeless person. Really? A homeless person.
Ryan: No, you're right, Pam, let's just leave him to the welfare system and let that handle it.
Pam: No, I want you to say that you think the best person to be our new manager is a homeless person.
Ryan: Let me guess who you want, Pam. Rachael Ray? The ladies of The View?
[aside to camera:]
Ryan: I got away with everything under the last boss, and it wasn't good for me, at all. So, I want guidance. I want leadership. But don't just, like, boss me around, you know? Like, lead me. Lead me... when I'm in the mood... to be led.

Quote from Robert

Toby: How will your experience selling refinery equipment translate to our smaller scale here?
Robert: You don't work in sales, do you?
Toby: Uh, human resources.
Robert: You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now, does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep-sea drilling equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only... sex. Everything... is sex. You understand that what I'm telling you is a universal truth... Toby?
Toby: Yes.

Quote from Robert

Dwight K. Schrute: What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview? [Robert stares at Dwight] What are you doing..? [Dwight sits up abruptly] Stop trying to figure me out.
Robert: I just did.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't.
Robert: It's done.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, it's not.
Robert: I know you now. I know your nature. I'm done. Not worth continuing.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't know me! Anything about me! Get out of my head! Stop trying to figure me out. Do you even know anything about paper? How it's made?
Robert: I saw an episode of how they make paper on Sesame Street.
Dwight K. Schrute: Get out.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture. Intel has told us there were at least seven.
Creed: Okay. I already see one, gimme. Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: They're the same picture.

Quote from Jo

Jo: Oh for god's sake. He's texting me his resume one line at a time. These are costing me ten cents a piece, you jackass! I'm roaming!

Quote from Jim

Warren Buffett: Can you do any better on salary?
Jim: Unfortunately, that range is set at corporate.
Warren Buffett: What about mileage when I use my car? I mean, gas ain't cheap, you know.
Jim: Heh. We think that 25 cents a mile is pretty generous.
Warren Buffett: How about 27? And, uh, when I make long-distance calls, will they be monitored or is it on the honor system?

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: First, I'll take down the cubicle walls.
Toby: But there aren't...
Nellie: Symbol of transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone would have the same job. Same goes for me. I'd take your job, but I'd reject the title.
Gabe: A little unspecific.
Nellie: Everyone would be known for their accomplishments.
Jim: That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there, and if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?
Nellie: Ooh? Yeah. Mm. Scratch everything from before. I tell you what I'd do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss, and that person can fire the person below them.
Jim: That's crazy.
Nellie: At least once a month, the lowest performing person... bye-bye!
Gabe: How would you compare, like, an accountant and HR?
Nellie: Well, I'll tell you how. Shall I? I'll tell you how.
Gabe: Okay.
Nellie: By splitting the difference. Just... Just, somewhere in the middle.
Jim: I think that's probably all we need to hear from....
Nellie: Zen office. Hmm? Thought of that? That's what I'd do. Everyone takes their shoes off, before they come in. Okay. There'd be no desks. You just sit on the floor.
Jim: That's very...
Nellie: You've got a Thai woman, out the back. Sockee! Sockee!
Gabe: Okay, that's not gonna be...
Nellie: Sockee!... is her name. Okay? She's administering massage, alright, if you need it. If you don't, whatever, just talk to her! She's a person! Either way, 50 minutes of that and you... You are cracking to go.

Quote from Oscar

Angela: Then I saw flashes. Reporters were there. They always find us. And everyone was crying, even his aide.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: Angela's engaged to a gay man. As a gay man, I'm horrified. As a friend of Angela's, horrified. As a lover of elegant weddings, I'm a little excited. But overall, horrified.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: [on the phone] Yes, there used to be a paper clip that would pop up and say "Looks like you are writing a letter or resume. Would you like help?" I believe his name was... Clippy.

Quote from Stanley

Oscar: Is there a front runner?
Jim: You know what? They all just sort of blend together after a while.
Oscar: Well, there must be someone who stands out.
Jim: No, not at all. In fact, I'm not even taking it seriously. I think at the end of the day, I'm just gonna pick a name out of the hat.
Oscar: Well...
Stanley: The hell you will! I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle, which I intend to.
Ryan: [weakly] Oh, no, Stanley, you'll live forever.
Stanley: My next boss will be my last boss. He'll be at my funeral. So I would appreciate it if you would take this seriously.

Quote from Creed

Creed: It's a beautiful morning at Dunder-Mifflin, or as I like to call it, Great Bratton. [tosses keys to a non-existent valet] Keep it running.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Should you really be so blatant about that?
Dwight K. Schrute: They won't make me manager, and I won't settle for anything less. I've gone about as far as I can here. That's obvious. Time to take my talents elsewhere.
Pam: Are you really going to apply for work at Scranton Breadworks?
Dwight K. Schrute: Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.

Quote from Robert

Gabe: Okay, I-I am, I'm almost a little concerned that you might be overqualified for the position. [Robert and Gabe chuckle at this] Do you, um, do you think that you are?
Robert: Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?
Gabe: No. [Robert then nods his head at Jim]
Jim: Can you... [clears throat] You are a man of great confidence. Could you speak a little more to that, and, what the role of confidence... would be... in a dialogue with a subordinate?
Robert: Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now, Jim? Do you have a voice, right now? ... You can answer me.
Jim: Yes.
Robert: That was your choice, not mine. The fallacy is that it is up to the steamroller. It is up to the object... whether it will be flattened or not, and I can tell from the small interaction we've had already, you won't be flattened by anybody. Do you agree with me, Jim?
Jim: Yes.
Robert: Yes! You do.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Do I love being manager?... I love my kids. I love real estate. I love ceramics. I love my job. I-I love wrestling.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Okay, team building! On this side of the room, Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy, and this side of the room, Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed...
[aside to camera:]
Jim: He never called a meeting.

Quote from Creed

Creed: BO-BODDY! BO-BODDY. What does the first "B" stand for?
Pam: What are we doing?
Creed: We're making acronyms. Okay! What does the first "B" stand for?
Kevin: Um... Business!
Creed: I like it! Business! Good, Kevin! [writes "BIZNU"] All right! The "O"...
[aside to camera:]
Pam: We need a new manager.

Quote from Jim

Jim: We are the Search Committee, hand-picked by our CEO, and tasked to find this branch's new manager. Not everyone we meet will be good, but someone's bound to be, right? And, to be honest, I think a lot of the decent candidates are right here in-house, so, I'm not too worried. But I'm really excited to spend a lot of time with Toby and Gabe. Did you know that Gabe's last name was Lewis? I had no idea.

Quote from Darryl

Stanley: Good morning.
Darryl: Good morning.
Phyllis: Good morning.
Darryl: Good morning.
Phyllis: Did you have a nice drive in?
Darryl: I did.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have a solid relationship with Jo, the company's owner. I have management experience. I have a good friendship with Jim, the head of the Search Committee, and it doesn't hurt that I'm... [in sing-song voice] bla-aaack!

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