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40Quotes from ‘The Secret’

The Office: The Secret

213. The Secret

Aired January 19, 2006

Jim regrets telling Michael about his feelings for Pam. Meanwhile, Dwight works to uncover the truth when Oscar calls in sick.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: What? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Jim: Is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael Scott: What's "updog"?
Jim: Nothing much, what's up with you?
Michael Scott: [laughing] Oh, wow. I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact.
The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone, so none of this is useful.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: People are always coming to me, "Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like, I was watching Cinemax last weekend, this movie. Portrait of a Prostitute, or something. Secrets of a Call- More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shyla, is framed for murder, goes on the run, and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't- I don't wanna live like that. I like it here. I don't wanna be Shyla, I like being Michael Scott.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, Stanley, is that jacket made of updog?
Stanley: I'm on the phone.
Michael Scott: [to Ryan] What flavor coffee is that? Updog? What's that? I don't know. Nothing, what's up with you? Huh? No, damn it.
Kevin: What does that mean?
Michael Scott: What does what mean?
Kevin: That thing you just said.
Michael Scott: Just forget it. Dwight! Hey, is it me, or does this place smell like updog?
Dwight K. Schrute: What's "updog"?
Michael Scott: Gotcha! Oh, God. Crap. Nothing. How are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Good. How are you doing?
Michael Scott: Damn it!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes, I know it's January. I am not an idiot.
But, if you do your spring cleaning in January, guess what you don't have to do in the spring! Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well, I say an empty desk means an-
Dwight K. Schrute: Empty mind.
Michael Scott: No, that's not- No, that's not what I was gonna say.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ask him his symptoms, I'm on WebMD.
Michael Scott: What are your symptoms?
Oscar: I have the chills. I'm feeling nauseous, and my head's killing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Checks out.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, Oscar. How you doing? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen, little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So, I was wondering if you could explain- Oh, I see. So, sounds like you're too sick to come into work, but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: What do you like best about Pam?
Jim: Oh, I really don't want to talk about it.
Michael Scott: Is it her legs, her boobs, her-
Jim: She's easy to talk to, I guess. And, uh, she's got a really good sense of humor.
Michael Scott: Really? Never gets any of my jokes.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know I had ever been here.
And I'd forget, too.

Quote from Toby

Angela: This is from Hooters.
Michael Scott: Yeah. It's a business lunch.
Angela: Did Toby approve this?
Michael Scott: No, he did not. I don't need his permission.
Toby: You just got your corporate credit card back. You really want me to take it away again?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look, Jim needed a relaxing lunch. He has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work-related?
Toby: He seems fine to me.
Michael Scott: You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who is engaged, so just cut me some slack. Please?
Kelly: Pam?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: As a volunteer sheriff's deputy, I've been doing surveillance for years. One time, I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out, she was. With a couple of guys, actually, so... Mystery solved.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Did you find anything good in your desk?
Jim: Uh, coupon for a free sandwich.
Pam: Score!
Jim: Expired in August. And my cell phone charger from two years ago.
Pam: Big day.
Jim: Big day.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, man! You are so busted! Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.
Gil: Who is this?
Dwight K. Schrute: This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?
Gil: Gil.
Oscar: Are you going to tell Michael?
Dwight K. Schrute: How about this. I don't tell Michael, and in exchange, you owe me one great big, giant favor, redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight. He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance? Hmm. Probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance, for malfeasance's sake.

Quote from Creed

Ryan: Creed, did you organize the menu book?
Creed: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.
Ryan: No. That was mandatory.
Creed: Oh, I thought that was a volunteer thing.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Hey, your schedule for next week. Are you okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm fine. Look. About you and Jim.
Pam: I- No. No, that's- You don't have to-
Michael Scott: I just feel it's my responsibility as your boss/friend-
Pam: No, it's really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like, a crush on me when he first started, but that was a long time ago, so-
Michael Scott: It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.
Pam: Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?
Michael Scott: [spluttering] Okay, shut it, Michael. I'm done, that's it. I'm out.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Meredith, the men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes, they're worn down. Kevin, file drawers. Angela, kitchen. Oscar, dusting. Where is Oscar?
Angela: He's out sick.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's unacceptable.
Angela: I agree. It's unacceptable.
Kevin: What are you guys doing?

Quote from Meredith

Oscar: Hello?
Michael Scott: Hi, Oscar, it's Michael.
Dwight K. Schrute: And Dwight.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Heard you were under the weather?
Oscar: Yeah, I think I came down with the flu.
Michael Scott: Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today. Could've used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: [on speaker phone] Michael, is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed.
Michael Scott: I need you to go to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday, unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend.
Oscar: I'll just be sleep- [Michael hangs up]

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, first impressions.
Michael Scott: He sounded sick.
Dwight K. Schrute: Which is exactly how you'd want to sound, if you wanted someone to think you were sick.
Michael Scott: That's exactly what I was thinking.
Dwight K. Schrute: Question. May I investigate?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks, doing their jobs.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Yeah, on the booze cruise, I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy, and had a couple of drinks, and I confided in the world's worst confidante.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My lips are sealed. [singing] My lips are sealed- Bangles.
Jim: All right. Great. Thank you.
Michael Scott: [singing] Can you hear me? They talk about us Telling lies-

Quote from Ryan

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen, temp. I'm conducting a little investigation. So, I'm no longer gonna be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?
Ryan: Yeah, I think I can handle it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you think, or do you know?
Ryan: I think.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, God.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, what's the 411? Any updates on the "P" situation?
Jim: I don't know any-
Michael Scott: P-A-M. P-A-M.
Jim: Oh, okay.
Michael Scott: No, it's okay, we're talking code.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Listen, Stan, you know, how long does it take for you to pick out a soda?
Jim: I'm gonna take off, actually.
Michael Scott: All right, well, cool. [to Stanley] Still deciding? Peach ice tea. You're gonna hate it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It's grape! Soda! Tony the Tiger.
Jim: Yeah. You don't hear that much anymore.
Michael Scott: Not so much.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, what is going on here?
Michael Scott: Nothing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really, nothing? Fact. You are drinking grape soda, you never drink grape soda. Fact. You are talking to Jim, you never talk to Jim.
Michael Scott: Fact. I love grape soda, I always have. Fact. Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, so what is the secret, Michael?
Michael Scott: Um...
Jim: I I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation. And he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that true?
Michael Scott: Um... I- I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you, Michael. I know you're telling the truth.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: So, how did Oscar sound when he called in?
Pam: Sick. Like lots of sniffling, I don't know.
Dwight K. Schrute: Sniffling, how?
Pam: Uh, how many different ways are there to sniffle?
Dwight K. Schrute: Three.
Pam: Okay, it was the second one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard, now, was it?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent 80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients, so business related. Right?

Quote from Angela

Phyllis: Angela, who would you choose? Jim or Roy?
Angela: It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy.

Quote from Creed

Kevin: Jim has got it bad for Pam.
Creed: [laughing] Oh! Which one is Pam?

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Hey, Michael. So, do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?
Michael Scott: You know what, Kevin, Jim is a friend of mine. So, the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam, and me.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Well, the cat's out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam, and now I don't. Riveting.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey, listen. Um... I told Michael on the booze cruise- It's so stupid. I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: Well, I just thought that I figured you should hear it from me rather than I mean, you know Michael.
Pam: Right.
Jim: And, seriously, it's totally not a big deal. Okay? And when I found out that you were engaged, I mean-
Pam: No, I know. Like, I kind of- Like I thought that maybe you did when I first started.
Jim: Oh, you did?
Pam: No, I mean, just 'cause we, like, got along so well.
Jim: Oh, yeah. No, yeah, you saw through me. Great.
Pam: So, are you gonna be, like, totally awkward around me now?
Jim: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hope that's okay.
Pam: Mmm-hmm.
Jim: And, Pam? It was, like, three years ago. So, I am totally over it.
Pam: Cool.
Jim: Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Hey.
Michael Scott: I know. I know, I know.
Jim: Um. What happened?
Michael Scott: I- Oh, just I was trying- The expense reports- And then Toby, you know, he just- I know, I just- I just hope it- [sobbing] I just hope that this doesn't affect our friendship. It's stupid. It's so stupid.
Jim: Hey, hey. Listen, man. You know, it's not a big deal.
Michael Scott: Well, okay. I'm fine.
Jim: It's going to be fine.
Michael Scott: No, I know, I'm good, I'm good. It's just-
Jim: Look, it's one day. Everything's gonna be all right?
Michael Scott: Yeah. No big deal.
Jim: You good?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, man. You should order milk. Get it? Why do I like Hooters?
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Well, I will give you two reasons. The boobs and the hot wings.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Here we go, here we go. Bogey at 3:00. Hi.
Dana: Hey, I'm Dana, welcome to Hooters.
Michael Scott: We're not worthy, we're not worthy! Hello, Dana. I am Michael and this is Jim. And we are brothers.
Jim: No. We're not brothers.
Michael Scott: Well, I'm his boss, actually, and I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch because I can afford it. And he can have whatever he wants.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Tell me, Dana. How is your chicken breast?
Dana: Oh, it's great. It's served with our world-famous wing sauce.
Michael Scott: Mmm. Sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast, hold the chicken. [laughs]
Dana: Is that what you really want?
Michael Scott: No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog.
Dana: Great.

Quote from Jim

Pam: What did you guys talk about?
Jim: Just, you know, politics, literature. [Jim holds up the Hooters t-shirt]
Pam: I hate you.


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