Michael Scott: What? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Jim: Is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael Scott: What's "updog"?
Jim: Nothing much, what's up with you?
Michael Scott: [laughing] Oh, wow. I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant.

Dwight K. Schrute: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact.
The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone, so none of this is useful.

Michael Scott: People are always coming to me, "Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like, I was watching Cinemax last weekend, this movie. Portrait of a Prostitute, or something. Secrets of a Call- More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shyla, is framed for murder, goes on the run, and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't- I don't wanna live like that. I like it here. I don't wanna be Shyla, I like being Michael Scott.

Michael Scott: Hey, Stanley, is that jacket made of updog?
Stanley: I'm on the phone.
Michael Scott: [to Ryan] What flavor coffee is that? Updog? What's that? I don't know. Nothing, what's up with you? Huh? No, damn it.
Kevin: What does that mean?
Michael Scott: What does what mean?
Kevin: That thing you just said.
Michael Scott: Just forget it. Dwight! Hey, is it me, or does this place smell like updog?
Dwight K. Schrute: What's "updog"?
Michael Scott: Gotcha! Oh, God. Crap. Nothing. How are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Good. How are you doing?
Michael Scott: Damn it!

Michael Scott: Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes, I know it's January. I am not an idiot.
But, if you do your spring cleaning in January, guess what you don't have to do in the spring! Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well, I say an empty desk means an-
Dwight K. Schrute: Empty mind.
Michael Scott: No, that's not- No, that's not what I was gonna say.

Dwight K. Schrute: Ask him his symptoms, I'm on WebMD.
Michael Scott: What are your symptoms?
Oscar: I have the chills. I'm feeling nauseous, and my head's killing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Checks out.

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, Oscar. How you doing? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen, little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So, I was wondering if you could explain- Oh, I see. So, sounds like you're too sick to come into work, but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy.

Michael Scott: What do you like best about Pam?
Jim: Oh, I really don't want to talk about it.
Michael Scott: Is it her legs, her boobs, her-
Jim: She's easy to talk to, I guess. And, uh, she's got a really good sense of humor.
Michael Scott: Really? Never gets any of my jokes.

Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know I had ever been here.
And I'd forget, too.

Angela: This is from Hooters.
Michael Scott: Yeah. It's a business lunch.
Angela: Did Toby approve this?
Michael Scott: No, he did not. I don't need his permission.
Toby: You just got your corporate credit card back. You really want me to take it away again?