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‘The Secret’ Quotes

The Office: The Secret

213. The Secret

Aired January 19, 2006

Jim regrets telling Michael about his feelings for Pam. Meanwhile, Dwight works to uncover the truth when Oscar calls in sick.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: What? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Jim: Is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael Scott: What's "updog"?
Jim: Nothing much, what's up with you?
Michael Scott: [laughing] Oh, wow. I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact.
The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone, so none of this is useful.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: People are always coming to me, "Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like, I was watching Cinemax last weekend, this movie. Portrait of a Prostitute, or something. Secrets of a Call- More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shyla, is framed for murder, goes on the run, and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't- I don't wanna live like that. I like it here. I don't wanna be Shyla, I like being Michael Scott.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, Stanley, is that jacket made of updog?
Stanley: I'm on the phone.
Michael Scott: [to Ryan] What flavor coffee is that? Updog? What's that? I don't know. Nothing, what's up with you? Huh? No, damn it.
Kevin: What does that mean?
Michael Scott: What does what mean?
Kevin: That thing you just said.
Michael Scott: Just forget it. Dwight! Hey, is it me, or does this place smell like updog?
Dwight K. Schrute: What's "updog"?
Michael Scott: Gotcha! Oh, God. Crap. Nothing. How are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Good. How are you doing?
Michael Scott: Damn it!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes, I know it's January. I am not an idiot.
But, if you do your spring cleaning in January, guess what you don't have to do in the spring! Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well, I say an empty desk means an-
Dwight K. Schrute: Empty mind.
Michael Scott: No, that's not- No, that's not what I was gonna say.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ask him his symptoms, I'm on WebMD.
Michael Scott: What are your symptoms?
Oscar: I have the chills. I'm feeling nauseous, and my head's killing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Checks out.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, Oscar. How you doing? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen, little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So, I was wondering if you could explain- Oh, I see. So, sounds like you're too sick to come into work, but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: What do you like best about Pam?
Jim: Oh, I really don't want to talk about it.
Michael Scott: Is it her legs, her boobs, her-
Jim: She's easy to talk to, I guess. And, uh, she's got a really good sense of humor.
Michael Scott: Really? Never gets any of my jokes.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know I had ever been here.
And I'd forget, too.

Quote from Toby

Angela: This is from Hooters.
Michael Scott: Yeah. It's a business lunch.
Angela: Did Toby approve this?
Michael Scott: No, he did not. I don't need his permission.
Toby: You just got your corporate credit card back. You really want me to take it away again?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look, Jim needed a relaxing lunch. He has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work-related?
Toby: He seems fine to me.
Michael Scott: You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who is engaged, so just cut me some slack. Please?
Kelly: Pam?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: As a volunteer sheriff's deputy, I've been doing surveillance for years. One time, I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out, she was. With a couple of guys, actually, so... Mystery solved.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Did you find anything good in your desk?
Jim: Uh, coupon for a free sandwich.
Pam: Score!
Jim: Expired in August. And my cell phone charger from two years ago.
Pam: Big day.
Jim: Big day.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, man! You are so busted! Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.
Gil: Who is this?
Dwight K. Schrute: This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?
Gil: Gil.
Oscar: Are you going to tell Michael?
Dwight K. Schrute: How about this. I don't tell Michael, and in exchange, you owe me one great big, giant favor, redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight. He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance? Hmm. Probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance, for malfeasance's sake.

Quote from Creed

Ryan: Creed, did you organize the menu book?
Creed: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.
Ryan: No. That was mandatory.
Creed: Oh, I thought that was a volunteer thing.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Hey, your schedule for next week. Are you okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm fine. Look. About you and Jim.
Pam: I- No. No, that's- You don't have to-
Michael Scott: I just feel it's my responsibility as your boss/friend-
Pam: No, it's really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like, a crush on me when he first started, but that was a long time ago, so-
Michael Scott: It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.
Pam: Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?
Michael Scott: [spluttering] Okay, shut it, Michael. I'm done, that's it. I'm out.


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