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47Quotes from ‘Double Date’

The Office: Double Date

609. Double Date

Aired November 5, 2009

There's tension between Pam and Michael after he breaks up with her mother during a double date.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, Dwight. I have a little surprise for you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let me guess. You ate the bagel I gave you and loved it.
Andy: Yes! And I wanted to return the favor. I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over and noticed that your brief case was a little worse for the wear, so a little elbow grease and she's polished right up, back up to her former glory.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow.
Andy: Feel it against your cheek.
Dwight K. Schrute: I will.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: You give me a gift, bam! Thank you note. You invite me somewhere, pow! RSVP. You do me a favor, wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now. They're mushrooms. They don't get that high.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm gonna love it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I am happy and I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but its enough for me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley?
Stanley: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you.
Andy: Wow. H & H. You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, why? Is there a place closer that sells them?
Phyllis: This is really nice Dwight, thanks.
Andy: Thanks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, don't mention it. You owe me one. You all owe me one.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Good morning, Michael.
Michael Scott: Morning, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hungry?
Michael Scott: No. I had a fish stick sandwich. Actually, I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didn't want hers. Because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac.
Michael Scott: Yeah-
Dwight K. Schrute: You're thinking of deer penis.
Michael Scott: It worked.
Dwight K. Schrute: Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. Bagel?
Michael Scott: I don't mind if I do.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. I brought cheese too.
Michael Scott: I'm taking one for my lady friend.
Dwight K. Schrute: Excellent.
Michael Scott: Brain food. Thank you very much.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. [on the way out] You owe me.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I don't know. I really hoped this thing would just die out, but today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom and we have to go. No way out. No way out.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch. There is no better medicine than birthday lunch. It'll cure all of your "Gee, I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother" and fixes all occurrences of "I don't really see them together". So, open wide Pam and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Why did I get in the car? I could have struggled. I have a whistle in my purse I didn't even blow it.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I use to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. Big part of my childhood. Oh, maybe Michael will start dating that too.

Quote from Michael Scott

Helene: Michael, what are you talking about?
Michael Scott: [sighs] Nothing. Just life. And doing things before you die. I don't know.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What's going on in here?
Oscar: Andy bought lunch.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, no. Really?
Andy: Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.
Dwight K. Schrute: There is no book. There's only a survival guide.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. And then I met Helene. And she is great and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. But, I think I want to do those things myself.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Helene, I think you're a wonderful person and I- God. I've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much. But I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you, when I know what this is doing to her.
Pam: Michael. Michael, it's okay.
Michael Scott: No, it's not.
Pam: I know that it took me a little while to come around and it's still a little weird to get used to, but... You obviously make my mom very happy. And that makes me happy.
Michael Scott: Wow. That just- You've really grown.
Pam: Well.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. Helene, once again you are a wonderful person and you have lived a great life and I envy it. And I want it someday, but just in the future. You need somebody who- Who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never- I don't know him. There's another woman. And her name is Italy, and skydiving, and bungee jumping.
Jim: Okay, so...
Michael Scott: And I want kids. And you, unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there.
Pam: Michael.
Michael Scott: It's not my decision. It's mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about fer- [pauses as a female waitress tops up their water] -tility.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Pam, can I talk to you for a second?
Pam: Oh.
Toby: I heard about the hit. Just make sure it's off company property, right?
Pam: Right.
Toby: Okay, I think we should probably be okay.
Pam: Okay.
Toby: Okay. And... The- The power comes from the back foot. So it's- It's all one motion through the body. So you stay a little low and there's a twist. You keep your shoulder down and you kind of throw out the arm. Pow!

Quote from Kelly

Michael Scott: It's okay, guys. I can handle this. Everybody can go home.
Kevin: We're here for the show, Michael.
Michael Scott: You're just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn?
Kelly: It has almost no calories.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, why are you limping?
Michael Scott: I don't know.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's get some raw meat on that face. I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Good, good. Keep it on there for another five minutes. Just let the swelling go down.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you. Thanks. I owe you one, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fire Jim.
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm cashing in the favor. Fire him.
Michael Scott: What are you talking about?
Dwight K. Schrute: Do it. Promote me. Tri-managers.
Michael Scott: Forget that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Can I have an office?
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what you can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Pam, would you care for a bagel?
Pam: Oh, no thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's right. You're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again. Please Pam, reconsider and have a bagel.
Pam: I have an early lunch.

Quote from Ryan

Erin: These are amazing. You took all these?
Ryan: I've always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people. Graffiti. Photography lets me capture all that. Have you ever been photographed before?
Erin: Oh, just by like friends.
Ryan: Well, here's what I've been doing around here. It's for a series on exposure in the workplace.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Pam, aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend?
Pam: I think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I think everyone has meet Helene. Shall we?

Quote from Michael Scott

Helene: Tell her how you gave it to me.
Michael Scott: No, that wouldn't be-
Helene: He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. What a nice way to wake up.
Michael Scott: Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to inappropriosity.
Kevin: Because of sex?
Michael Scott: Hey!
Pam: Kevin!
Michael Scott: Please, Kevin. You're fired.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Shall we go?
Pam: Yes, let's go. [looks at Erin and nods]
Erin: Oh, wait. Um, Swartz Lumber is on the phone for you, Pam, and they say it's urgent.
Pam: Oh, you guys. Just one second. [picks up phone] Oh my gosh! Are you serious? Shipping emergency. I don't think I can go to lunch.
Jim: Oh man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out too.
Pam: I know. Isn't that always how it goes?
Jim: Rarely. If ever. Let me give it a whirl. I'll talk to them.
Pam: I want to handle it.
Jim: That's okay.
Pam: I feel like it's-
Jim: It's my pleasure. [takes phone from Pam] Hello? Well that's great. [hangs up phone] Turns out the paper was there all along.
Creed: [sighs] Oh, thank God.

Quote from Michael Scott

Helene: So, Pammy, are you still liking sales?
Pam: Yeah, it's exciting.
Helene: Well, you know, Michael and I were talking, and maybe if you put a little more face to face time with your clients you could improve your sales.
Jim: Pam's sales are fine actually.
Michael Scott: Just want you to succeed Pammy. You know what, we shouldn't even be talking about business today.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You know, here's a healthy fitness tip. If you clench your buttocks together while walking you can really take the pressure off your knees.
Andy: Is that right?
Dwight K. Schrute: Observe.
Andy: Huh.
Dwight K. Schrute: Right?
Andy: That really works.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, feel free to use that. Anytime.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Hey. Oh, hold on a second. Do not walk around with your jacket cattywampus.
Dwight K. Schrute: [straightens Andy's tie] And that needs to be straight as an arrow.
Andy: Whoa, thank you very much. [takes off Dwight's glasses and blows on them] Oh boy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you very much for that.
Andy: [puts Dwight's glasses back on Dwight's face] You are very welcome.
Dwight K. Schrute: [pulls out Andy's chair] Have a seat. Allow me.
Andy: [pulls out Dwight's chair] Have a seat yourself.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? I am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse.
Andy: Not necessary.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no! [runs away with Andy's mouse]
Andy: You didn't have to do that.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Andy is complicating things. But I'm not worried. This will only up my game.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wow look at this place. Really makes me want to go to Italy some day.
Helene: Oh, you'll love it. You can have my guide books. I think I'm done with those really long plane rides.
Michael Scott: Oh. Thank you. Thanks for lending me the books.

Quote from Pam

Pam: So, mom, which birthday are we celebrating this year?
Helene: [laughs] Sticking with 49.
Pam: 49 again? That's nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition.
Michael Scott: That's funny.
Helene: Well, as long as you're running numbers Pam, then help me out with this one. Let's see your six months pregnant, but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to?
Jim: Ooh, burn. Burn on you. And a little bit on me, too.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Mom, have you decided what you want to be called?
Helene: Oh, well I like Nana, but I also like the classic Grandma.
Pam: Please be Grandma.
Jim: Definitely Grandma.
Pam: I want you to be Grandma.
Helene: Oh, Michael what do you think? Grandma?
Michael Scott: [nods uncomfortably] That.
Pam: Yay, Grandma!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, do you think?
Pam: Maybe.
Michael Scott: Helene?
Helene: Oh, oh no. I don't think so.
Michael Scott: I am. I'm definitely going to do it. I've already got the run and the bike thing down. Just need to learn how to swim. Come on, you in?
Helene: No, no, I think a triathlon is pretty much something I can rule out. It just- Doesn't interest me.
Michael Scott: So it's a matter of interest. Good, okay. It's not anything you would have ever done.
Helene: Hmm. I might have done it when I was younger, but now there's just other things I'd rather be doing than running and jumping and swimming.
Michael Scott: Well there's no jumping in a triathlon.
Helene: Oh.
Michael Scott: You're thinking of the broad jump. Would you try bungee jumping?
Helene: No, no.
Michael Scott: Snowboarding?
Helene: You want to go snowboarding?
Michael Scott: I might. I might.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: What about your gift Michael?
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no, no. No. It's stupid. You'd hate it. I hate it.
Helene: I'm sure I won't.
Michael Scott: Yes you will.
Pam: He locked himself in his office all morning working on it.
Helene: Gimme. Just look at this wrapping paper. It's got the word love on it in every language.
Pam: Aww.
Michael Scott: I literally- I put no thought into the wrapping at all. Might as well of been toilet paper.
Helene: [opens present, reads inscription] A scrapbook of our first memories by Michael Gary Scott. For my girlfriend Helene on your birthday. [laughs]
Michael Scott: That's just an arbitrary title.

Quote from Michael Scott

Helene: Okay, there's a penny. What's that from?
Jim: Penny for your thoughts.
Michael Scott: It was from the wishing well at the mall. You threw it in. I went back later, waded in and I found it.
Jim: Wow.
Pam: That's amazing.
Michael Scott: It's not amazing at all. It's sort of weird that I went and did that. And now your wish won't come true, so that blows.

Quote from Michael Scott

Helene: A poem!
Michael Scott: Oh that I plagiarized I think.
Helene: "I can not go to school today said little Peggy Ann McKay..."
Jim: [whispers to Pam] Shel Silverstein.
Pam: Yeah.
Helene: Um. "I have the measles and the mumps, a gash, a rash and purple bumps. And my teachers really mean, Happy Birthday , I love you Helene."
Pam: That's really nice Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, I think it sucks.
Helene: I think it's wonderful, absolutely wonderful.
Michael Scott: Well, that's because you and I have very different tastes and you like lame things. It's a generational sort of gap between us.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Cake's really good.
Helene: Oh, I know. I love how they use butter cream frosting.
Michael Scott: Finish your cake, Helene.
Helene: Hmm?
Michael Scott: I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you. I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing.

Quote from Michael Scott

Helene: I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now?
Michael Scott: Well, hobbies-
Jim: Stop.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Pamela Beesly Halpert.
Pam: What?
Michael Scott: May I have a word with you in my office please?
Pam: I am working.
Michael Scott: Well, this is a work related matter.
Pam: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam: Really?

Quote from Meredith

Michael Scott: I am going to give you a raise, Pam.
Pam: Why?
Michael Scott: Because of all the good work you've done.
Pam: I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
Michael Scott: That's- No, no. It's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.
Pam: I have the worst attitude of any person here.
Michael Scott: Do you want the raise or what?
Pam: Yeah, I'll take it.
Michael Scott: Hey, Pam, Pam. With this raise there are strings attached. And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or
Pam: I want to hit you.
Michael Scott: What?
Pam: I want to hit you. I'll do that.
Michael Scott: [nervous laughter] Oh... Okay, what? I don't- Are you kidding?
Pam: No. Are you kidding?
Michael Scott: No. I don't- All right. I'll take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just...
Pam: No. I don't think I can hit you in the office.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Pam: So, um, we'll do it after work. In the parking lot. In front of everyone. I'm going to hit you as hard as I can.

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: We heard about the punch.
Michael Scott: What punch?
Kelly: Pam. She's going to punch the crap out of your face after work.
Michael Scott: I'm pretty sure we said slap.
Kelly: No, it's a punch and Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now.
Ryan: I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen. Do you?
Michael Scott: I- Mmm. I'm good.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Do you and Pam ever get frisky?
Jim: Inappropriate.
Michael Scott: I mean, do you ever wrestle with each other?
Jim: All the time.
Michael Scott: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael Scott: She strong?
Jim: She wants it bad, Michael.
Michael Scott: Can you stop this?
Jim: I can.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Jim: And I don't support her choice to hit you.
Michael Scott: I don't either.
Jim: But at the same time she looks crazy and I do understand her reasoning.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Hey everybody, he's not in the men's room although the seat was warm so we may have just missed him.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: My money's on Pam.
Oscar: It's not a fight. What other outcome could there be?
Kevin: Michael could win.
Oscar: How? He can't hit back.
Kevin: Why can't you just agree with me sometimes?

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Pam. Pam, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.
Pam: What are you sorry for?
Michael Scott: So many things. I don't know. It's hard to choose.
Pam: How about for dating my mom?
Michael Scott: Maybe that.
Pam: And dumping her on her birthday.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam: Okay. Just don't ever date a member of my family again.
Michael Scott: Okay. I promise. [Pam starts to walk away] For the record your mom came on to me. [Pam turns around and slaps Michael].
Phyllis: Holy crap.
Pam: Are you okay?
Michael Scott: No!
Pam: You're okay.


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