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‘Double Date’ Quotes

The Office: Double Date

609. Double Date

Aired November 5, 2009

There's tension between Pam and Michael after he breaks up with her mother during a double date.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, Dwight. I have a little surprise for you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let me guess. You ate the bagel I gave you and loved it.
Andy: Yes! And I wanted to return the favor. I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over and noticed that your brief case was a little worse for the wear, so a little elbow grease and she's polished right up, back up to her former glory.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow.
Andy: Feel it against your cheek.
Dwight K. Schrute: I will.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: You give me a gift, bam! Thank you note. You invite me somewhere, pow! RSVP. You do me a favor, wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now. They're mushrooms. They don't get that high.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm gonna love it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I am happy and I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but its enough for me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley?
Stanley: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you.
Andy: Wow. H & H. You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, why? Is there a place closer that sells them?
Phyllis: This is really nice Dwight, thanks.
Andy: Thanks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, don't mention it. You owe me one. You all owe me one.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Good morning, Michael.
Michael Scott: Morning, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hungry?
Michael Scott: No. I had a fish stick sandwich. Actually, I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didn't want hers. Because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac.
Michael Scott: Yeah-
Dwight K. Schrute: You're thinking of deer penis.
Michael Scott: It worked.
Dwight K. Schrute: Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. Bagel?
Michael Scott: I don't mind if I do.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. I brought cheese too.
Michael Scott: I'm taking one for my lady friend.
Dwight K. Schrute: Excellent.
Michael Scott: Brain food. Thank you very much.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. [on the way out] You owe me.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I don't know. I really hoped this thing would just die out, but today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom and we have to go. No way out. No way out.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch. There is no better medicine than birthday lunch. It'll cure all of your "Gee, I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother" and fixes all occurrences of "I don't really see them together". So, open wide Pam and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Why did I get in the car? I could have struggled. I have a whistle in my purse I didn't even blow it.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I use to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. Big part of my childhood. Oh, maybe Michael will start dating that too.

Quote from Michael Scott

Helene: Michael, what are you talking about?
Michael Scott: [sighs] Nothing. Just life. And doing things before you die. I don't know.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What's going on in here?
Oscar: Andy bought lunch.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, no. Really?
Andy: Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.
Dwight K. Schrute: There is no book. There's only a survival guide.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. And then I met Helene. And she is great and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. But, I think I want to do those things myself.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Helene, I think you're a wonderful person and I- God. I've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much. But I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you, when I know what this is doing to her.
Pam: Michael. Michael, it's okay.
Michael Scott: No, it's not.
Pam: I know that it took me a little while to come around and it's still a little weird to get used to, but... You obviously make my mom very happy. And that makes me happy.
Michael Scott: Wow. That just- You've really grown.
Pam: Well.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. Helene, once again you are a wonderful person and you have lived a great life and I envy it. And I want it someday, but just in the future. You need somebody who- Who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never- I don't know him. There's another woman. And her name is Italy, and skydiving, and bungee jumping.
Jim: Okay, so...
Michael Scott: And I want kids. And you, unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there.
Pam: Michael.
Michael Scott: It's not my decision. It's mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about fer- [pauses as a female waitress tops up their water] -tility.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Pam, can I talk to you for a second?
Pam: Oh.
Toby: I heard about the hit. Just make sure it's off company property, right?
Pam: Right.
Toby: Okay, I think we should probably be okay.
Pam: Okay.
Toby: Okay. And... The- The power comes from the back foot. So it's- It's all one motion through the body. So you stay a little low and there's a twist. You keep your shoulder down and you kind of throw out the arm. Pow!

Quote from Kelly

Michael Scott: It's okay, guys. I can handle this. Everybody can go home.
Kevin: We're here for the show, Michael.
Michael Scott: You're just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn?
Kelly: It has almost no calories.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, why are you limping?
Michael Scott: I don't know.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's get some raw meat on that face. I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Good, good. Keep it on there for another five minutes. Just let the swelling go down.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you. Thanks. I owe you one, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fire Jim.
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm cashing in the favor. Fire him.
Michael Scott: What are you talking about?
Dwight K. Schrute: Do it. Promote me. Tri-managers.
Michael Scott: Forget that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Can I have an office?
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what you can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it.


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