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‘Golden Ticket’ Quotes

The Office: Golden Ticket

519. Golden Ticket

Aired March 12, 2009

Michael tries to pass the blame after his idea of a Willy Wonka-style giveaway backfires. Meanwhile, Jim, Pam and Andy give Kevin dating advice.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Ding-dong.
Michael Scott: Who's there?
Jim: KGB.
Michael Scott: Dwight, get the door.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not answering the door.
Michael Scott: Answer the door.
Jim: Ding dong.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's the KGB.
Michael Scott: You get it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not answering that. You answer it.
Michael Scott: I'm not gonna answer it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not gonna answer it. It's the KGB!
Jim: [slapping Dwight across the face] The KGB will wait for no one. [Michael laughs]
Dwight K. Schrute: [to camera:] It's true.

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Quote from Pam

Pam: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hi, David. [Michael shakes his head at Pam] No, I'm sorry. He's not back from the civil rights rally. I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial. [aside to camera:]
Pam: When Michael's skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is. "Stopping a fight in the parking lot." "An Obama fashion show." Whatever that is. Or "Trapped in an oil painting." I'm gonna save that one.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Ding dong.
Jim: Who is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: KGB.
Jim: All right. I just got out of the shower. I'll be one second.
Dwight K. Schrute: [in Russian accent] When you are done, open the door. Hello in there?
Jim: Yeah, I'm late so I have to brush my teeth. It's a whole routine.
Dwight K. Schrute: We have other houses to visit.
Jim: If you wanna come back then, that'd be fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: We'll come back at- How is 4:45?
Jim: I get home from work around 6:00.
Dwight K. Schrute: How about 5:15?
Jim: You can try it. That might work.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very well. We will come back at 5:15.
Jim: All right.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I got a knock-knock joke.
Michael Scott: No, no.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, please? Please. Please let me.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Dwight K. Schrute: Knock knock.
Michael Scott: Who's there?
Dwight K. Schrute: KGB.
Michael Scott: KG- [Dwight slaps Michael across the face]
Dwight K. Schrute: [in a Russian accent] We will ask the questions.
Michael Scott: What the hell was that?
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, hey, hey. Stop that.
Michael Scott: You, you like that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on. What are you doing? Mine was part of my hilarious joke!
Michael Scott: Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. That's it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have written these things because it is my responsibility as manager of this branch to "profiligate" great ideas, and I think I have done my part with the golden ticket promotion. Now it is your turn. I want to hear some great ideas from you that are just as good as mine.
Jim: We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh. Too many words. Good ideas are simple: "golden ticket."
Jim: Free paper.
Michael Scott: No, Jim, we're a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get men on the Moon.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Golden Girls. That's a golden ticket idea, right? How great was that show? Golden Grahams, another- Is it? I don't get this.
Michael Scott: No, you don't.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Wait a second. I wrote it down in my diary.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't keep a diary.
Michael Scott: Yes, I do. You've just never seen it. "March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets."
Dwight K. Schrute: Hold that thought. [Dwight goes and grabs his own diary] March 4th "Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give 5 customers 10% off for 1 year."
Michael Scott: Why do you have a diary?
Dwight K. Schrute: To keep secrets from my computer.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: You know what? You came up with this idea. I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up.
Dwight K. Schrute: Impossible.
Michael Scott: Yes, you did.
Dwight K. Schrute: I wasn't given candy as a child, so a movie that fetishized it that much would have made no sense to me. Plus, we weren't allowed to see movies. So... Do the math.
Michael Scott: What are you writing?
Dwight K. Schrute: "Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine. Discussed movies."
Michael Scott: Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?
Dwight K. Schrute: With all my heart.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The Willy Wonka golden ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I've ever had. It's probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to 10% off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy and full of excitement and full of fantasy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean, what's the point? You're cooped up in there all day. You don't get to do your farming. You're not dating Angela anymore. It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesn't matter. Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place. You, way too manly.
Dwight K. Schrute: What about Shoe La La?
Michael Scott: It's not ready yet.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life. Like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby or for just lounging around the house.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Here we go. Knock knock.
Pam: Who's there?
Michael Scott: Buddha.
Pam: Buddha who?
Michael Scott: Buddha this bread for me, won't you?
Pam: Great.
Michael Scott: I need something to wipe my hand.
Pam: Yeah, there's butter on my desk.
Michael Scott: A classic.

Quote from Andy

Andy: You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. "I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair."
Pam: That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that?
Jim: Guys with girlfriends don't.
Andy: That's low, Tuna.

Quote from Jim

Jim: It's actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania.
Michael Scott: Really? That's kind of a big client. Hey, Oscar. How much of a hit is 10% of our Blue Cross account?
Oscar: Ten percent? They're our largest client. That's going to hurt.
Jim: Hold on one sec. Hold on one sec, Tom. What's that? You found five golden tickets? And does it say "Limit one per customer"? Nope, it doesn't.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey! You idiot.
Darryl: Start over.
Michael Scott: Sir, I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes, and somehow they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen?
Darryl: Were the boxes near each other?
Michael Scott: Irrelevant.
Darryl: I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper.
Michael Scott: Okay, I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My golden ticket idea, okay? Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There's a one in thirteen chance that this could be anybody's golden ticket idea.

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: Nobody panic. The good news is, they can't fire all of us, right?
Oscar: They can.
Michael Scott: No, they can't.
Oscar: Yes, they can.
Michael Scott: Well, Oscar, you don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Oscar: Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is?

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I've got a golden ticket idea. Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?
Michael Scott: That is not constructive.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hi, David. He's having a colonoscopy. All right, I'll find out if he's out yet.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [talking over Jim and Pam] Put your heart out there like that, it's liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick. It has barbecue sauce of shame and rage, and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something, and I will say what you're thinking.
Dwight K. Schrute: What am I thinking right now?
Michael Scott: Nacho chips.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I was thinking about how the skin is the largest organ of the body.
Michael Scott: Okay. Let me just cut to the chase. I want you to fall on your sword for me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, not gonna happen.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: May I have your attention, please? I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together, and although I probably will never do it again, I had fun. I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight.
Oscar: These aren't announcements.
Michael Scott: Yes, they are. You just don't care about the information.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: You're talking to Dwight Schrute, the biggest Wonka fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim: You know what, I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea, and for that I apologize.
Dwight K. Schrute: Apology rejected.
Pam: Thanks so much for helping the company. [hugs Dwight]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, thanks, Pam.
Creed: Good work, kid.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thanks, old man.
David: This- This is great. Oh, okay, I wanna get you on the horn with the marketing people in New York. They should meet you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Great idea. Yeah.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: David. David. David. Could I be part of the meeting also?
David: You probably have too much to do around here. I don't want to, uh, take up your time with another meeting.
Jim: Yeah, let's face it. This meeting sounds like it's Wonka fans only. He's never seen the movie.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: [on the phone] Hey, guys. I have with me Dwight Schrute. Dwight, take it away.
Dwight K. Schrute: Listen up. Here's the deal. I love candy, sweet sugary candy, from the second it touches my tongue to the moment its metabolized by my stomach acid, so naturally I liked Willy Wonka.
Guy: Wait, do you guys hear that? There's not a dog listening in is there? I hear panting.
David: No. No dogs.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, I love Willy Wonka. The golden ticket scene is so inspiring to me that that's where I came up with that idea.
Michael Scott: [bursting into the room] There is no movie called Willy Wonka. It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Pam: It's actually based on a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Michael Scott: I can't vouch for that. But I do know this, he is a liar. He has taken my idea.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: What is going on here?
Michael Scott: Okay, here's what happened, David. It was all my idea. You called me and you were really angry at me and I got scared, so I had Dwight take the fall, but now it turns out that it's a great idea, and Dwight will not confess. Can you believe that?
David: No, no.
Dwight K. Schrute: It is my idea.
Michael Scott: Oh, how dare you?
Dwight K. Schrute: It is my idea. I'm filled with good ideas. Thousands of good ideas!
Michael Scott: You are? Good ideas, huh? Did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a net, a circular net you put inside the toilet to catch your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? Formerly known as toilet guard?
Dwight K. Schrute: Horse boat! A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse boat!
Michael Scott: Toilet sponge. It's a hollowed out sponge that is more absorbent and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas.
Dwight K. Schrute: 'Cause they're easy.
Michael Scott: They're not easy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Toilet piano bench.
Michael Scott: Women's urinal! Everybody has to go to the bathroom.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: Is this true, Dwight? Is this true?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, it's Michael's idea that he forced on me on threat of death!
Michael Scott: Thank you.
David: I don't know. What do you want me to do now? What am I supposed to do now?
Michael Scott: Well, David, I will be honest with you. I do want the credit without any of the blame.


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