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46Quotes from ‘Golden Ticket’

The Office: Golden Ticket

519. Golden Ticket

Aired March 12, 2009

Michael tries to pass the blame after his idea of a Willy Wonka-style giveaway backfires. Meanwhile, Jim, Pam and Andy give Kevin dating advice.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Ding-dong.
Michael Scott: Who's there?
Jim: KGB.
Michael Scott: Dwight, get the door.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not answering the door.
Michael Scott: Answer the door.
Jim: Ding dong.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's the KGB.
Michael Scott: You get it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not answering that. You answer it.
Michael Scott: I'm not gonna answer it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not gonna answer it. It's the KGB!
Jim: [slapping Dwight across the face] The KGB will wait for no one. [Michael laughs]
Dwight K. Schrute: [to camera:] It's true.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hi, David. [Michael shakes his head at Pam] No, I'm sorry. He's not back from the civil rights rally. I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial. [aside to camera:]
Pam: When Michael's skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is. "Stopping a fight in the parking lot." "An Obama fashion show." Whatever that is. Or "Trapped in an oil painting." I'm gonna save that one.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Ding dong.
Jim: Who is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: KGB.
Jim: All right. I just got out of the shower. I'll be one second.
Dwight K. Schrute: [in Russian accent] When you are done, open the door. Hello in there?
Jim: Yeah, I'm late so I have to brush my teeth. It's a whole routine.
Dwight K. Schrute: We have other houses to visit.
Jim: If you wanna come back then, that'd be fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: We'll come back at- How is 4:45?
Jim: I get home from work around 6:00.
Dwight K. Schrute: How about 5:15?
Jim: You can try it. That might work.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very well. We will come back at 5:15.
Jim: All right.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I got a knock-knock joke.
Michael Scott: No, no.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, please? Please. Please let me.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Dwight K. Schrute: Knock knock.
Michael Scott: Who's there?
Dwight K. Schrute: KGB.
Michael Scott: KG- [Dwight slaps Michael across the face]
Dwight K. Schrute: [in a Russian accent] We will ask the questions.
Michael Scott: What the hell was that?
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, hey, hey. Stop that.
Michael Scott: You, you like that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on. What are you doing? Mine was part of my hilarious joke!
Michael Scott: Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. That's it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have written these things because it is my responsibility as manager of this branch to "profiligate" great ideas, and I think I have done my part with the golden ticket promotion. Now it is your turn. I want to hear some great ideas from you that are just as good as mine.
Jim: We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh. Too many words. Good ideas are simple: "golden ticket."
Jim: Free paper.
Michael Scott: No, Jim, we're a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get men on the Moon.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Golden Girls. That's a golden ticket idea, right? How great was that show? Golden Grahams, another- Is it? I don't get this.
Michael Scott: No, you don't.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Wait a second. I wrote it down in my diary.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't keep a diary.
Michael Scott: Yes, I do. You've just never seen it. "March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets."
Dwight K. Schrute: Hold that thought. [Dwight goes and grabs his own diary] March 4th "Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give 5 customers 10% off for 1 year."
Michael Scott: Why do you have a diary?
Dwight K. Schrute: To keep secrets from my computer.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: You know what? You came up with this idea. I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up.
Dwight K. Schrute: Impossible.
Michael Scott: Yes, you did.
Dwight K. Schrute: I wasn't given candy as a child, so a movie that fetishized it that much would have made no sense to me. Plus, we weren't allowed to see movies. So... Do the math.
Michael Scott: What are you writing?
Dwight K. Schrute: "Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine. Discussed movies."
Michael Scott: Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?
Dwight K. Schrute: With all my heart.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: The Willy Wonka golden ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I've ever had. It's probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to 10% off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy and full of excitement and full of fantasy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean, what's the point? You're cooped up in there all day. You don't get to do your farming. You're not dating Angela anymore. It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesn't matter. Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place. You, way too manly.
Dwight K. Schrute: What about Shoe La La?
Michael Scott: It's not ready yet.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life. Like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby or for just lounging around the house.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Here we go. Knock knock.
Pam: Who's there?
Michael Scott: Buddha.
Pam: Buddha who?
Michael Scott: Buddha this bread for me, won't you?
Pam: Great.
Michael Scott: I need something to wipe my hand.
Pam: Yeah, there's butter on my desk.
Michael Scott: A classic.

Quote from Andy

Andy: You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. "I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair."
Pam: That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that?
Jim: Guys with girlfriends don't.
Andy: That's low, Tuna.

Quote from Jim

Jim: It's actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania.
Michael Scott: Really? That's kind of a big client. Hey, Oscar. How much of a hit is 10% of our Blue Cross account?
Oscar: Ten percent? They're our largest client. That's going to hurt.
Jim: Hold on one sec. Hold on one sec, Tom. What's that? You found five golden tickets? And does it say "Limit one per customer"? Nope, it doesn't.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey! You idiot.
Darryl: Start over.
Michael Scott: Sir, I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes, and somehow they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen?
Darryl: Were the boxes near each other?
Michael Scott: Irrelevant.
Darryl: I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper.
Michael Scott: Okay, I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My golden ticket idea, okay? Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There's a one in thirteen chance that this could be anybody's golden ticket idea.

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: Nobody panic. The good news is, they can't fire all of us, right?
Oscar: They can.
Michael Scott: No, they can't.
Oscar: Yes, they can.
Michael Scott: Well, Oscar, you don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Oscar: Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is?

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I've got a golden ticket idea. Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?
Michael Scott: That is not constructive.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hi, David. He's having a colonoscopy. All right, I'll find out if he's out yet.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [talking over Jim and Pam] Put your heart out there like that, it's liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick. It has barbecue sauce of shame and rage, and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something, and I will say what you're thinking.
Dwight K. Schrute: What am I thinking right now?
Michael Scott: Nacho chips.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I was thinking about how the skin is the largest organ of the body.
Michael Scott: Okay. Let me just cut to the chase. I want you to fall on your sword for me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, not gonna happen.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: May I have your attention, please? I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together, and although I probably will never do it again, I had fun. I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight.
Oscar: These aren't announcements.
Michael Scott: Yes, they are. You just don't care about the information.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: You're talking to Dwight Schrute, the biggest Wonka fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim: You know what, I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea, and for that I apologize.
Dwight K. Schrute: Apology rejected.
Pam: Thanks so much for helping the company. [hugs Dwight]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, thanks, Pam.
Creed: Good work, kid.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thanks, old man.
David: This- This is great. Oh, okay, I wanna get you on the horn with the marketing people in New York. They should meet you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Great idea. Yeah.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: David. David. David. Could I be part of the meeting also?
David: You probably have too much to do around here. I don't want to, uh, take up your time with another meeting.
Jim: Yeah, let's face it. This meeting sounds like it's Wonka fans only. He's never seen the movie.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: [on the phone] Hey, guys. I have with me Dwight Schrute. Dwight, take it away.
Dwight K. Schrute: Listen up. Here's the deal. I love candy, sweet sugary candy, from the second it touches my tongue to the moment its metabolized by my stomach acid, so naturally I liked Willy Wonka.
Guy: Wait, do you guys hear that? There's not a dog listening in is there? I hear panting.
David: No. No dogs.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, I love Willy Wonka. The golden ticket scene is so inspiring to me that that's where I came up with that idea.
Michael Scott: [bursting into the room] There is no movie called Willy Wonka. It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Pam: It's actually based on a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Michael Scott: I can't vouch for that. But I do know this, he is a liar. He has taken my idea.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: What is going on here?
Michael Scott: Okay, here's what happened, David. It was all my idea. You called me and you were really angry at me and I got scared, so I had Dwight take the fall, but now it turns out that it's a great idea, and Dwight will not confess. Can you believe that?
David: No, no.
Dwight K. Schrute: It is my idea.
Michael Scott: Oh, how dare you?
Dwight K. Schrute: It is my idea. I'm filled with good ideas. Thousands of good ideas!
Michael Scott: You are? Good ideas, huh? Did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a net, a circular net you put inside the toilet to catch your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? Formerly known as toilet guard?
Dwight K. Schrute: Horse boat! A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse boat!
Michael Scott: Toilet sponge. It's a hollowed out sponge that is more absorbent and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas.
Dwight K. Schrute: 'Cause they're easy.
Michael Scott: They're not easy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Toilet piano bench.
Michael Scott: Women's urinal! Everybody has to go to the bathroom.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: Is this true, Dwight? Is this true?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, it's Michael's idea that he forced on me on threat of death!
Michael Scott: Thank you.
David: I don't know. What do you want me to do now? What am I supposed to do now?
Michael Scott: Well, David, I will be honest with you. I do want the credit without any of the blame.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Good morning, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no, no. I am not Michael. I am Willy Wonka!
Pam: Good morning, Mr. Wonka. Here are your messages.
Michael Scott: Why thank you very much. Oh, what are those? Tell me please!
Pam: Jelly beans.
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no, no. They are not just ordinary jelly beans, little girl. These are extraordinary jelly beans!

Quote from Andy

Kevin: I think I should call her.
Andy: No! No! No!
Kevin: Why is it so bad for me to call and ask her to lunch today?
Andy: You're making it too easy for her. You're just conveying, "Oh, I like you just the way you are."
Kevin: But I do like her just the way she is.
Andy: Well, that's not what we agreed on.

Quote from Andy

Jim: What are you doing? Why don't you go on a date with her? Try to spark up an ongoing joke, and then in a month or two, if it feels right, you'll know.
Pam: You don't have to wait that long. I mean, you don't have to wait a month to ask her out. Just ask her.
Andy: You're asking him to give up all of his power.
Jim: What power?

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Andy, Pam and Jim are all telling me how to deal with this girl that I like. I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I'm a textbook over-thinker.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Tell me. Was it a spoiled little girl with big lips?
Jim: I'm on the phone.
Michael Scott: Or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession? Invite them on the tour!

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: How do you not spread out the tickets into different shipments?
Michael Scott: I thought I did, so...
Jim: Okay, I'm gonna go call corporate to make sure that they know I didn't lose half my sales.
Michael Scott: You didn't. That- It'll be fine. It'll be good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, then we're screwed! I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so-
Jim: Okay. Well, I lost a ton of money today, and I've a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed, too.
Michael Scott: Thank you. Jim is with me.
Jim: Absolutely not. I'm mad at you.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what, Jim. It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
Creed: That's not why.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Okay, we need a golden ticket idea to get us out of this mess.
Pam: Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later?
Jim: Good one.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Hello, David. I just got back from my procedure-
David: Michael, what the hell is going on here?
Michael Scott: How are you doing?
David: Fine. What is going on?
Michael Scott: My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.
David: Why did you okay this golden ticket idea? We're going to lose a fortune, Michael. How could you let this happen?
Michael Scott: Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen. And I just don't- I don't know.
David: How could you not know, Michael?
Michael Scott: I think- We might have hired an outside marketing consultant.
David: We might have hired- OK, what firm?
Michael Scott: You're breaking up.
David: Michael.
Michael Scott: Okay. I think it might have been an inside consultant.
David: Was it the sales department?
Michael Scott: Yes.
David: Was it Jim?
Michael Scott: No.
David: Okay, was it Dwight?
Michael Scott: Yes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Come on in. Good to see you. Have a seat. I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea.
Dwight K. Schrute: That was your idea.
Michael Scott: Whoa. Wow. Who told you that?
Dwight K. Schrute: You did. Several times. That was your idea. You were dressed as Willy Wonka.
Michael Scott: I'm not taking credit.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wasn't my idea. I loved it, but I can't.

Quote from Pam

Kevin: You guys are throwing a lot at me.
Jim: Well, all I'm saying is that's the first date, so just keep a respectful distance.
Kevin: Right.
Pam: I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her.
Jim: No, that is what I mean.
Pam: Shush.

Quote from Andy

Pam: Kevin, a playful touch on the arm or on the back, it can show your interest, and it's really romantic.
Kevin: Like that?
Jim: No. Stop it.
Andy: Don't touch her, don't talk to her, don't look at her.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: I love working here, and I do not wanna leave.
Michael Scott: He doesn't love it that much. It wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well-
Michael Scott: I mean, like we were talking about, that is why he has come to the conclusion-
Dwight K. Schrute: We discussed the fact that I'm cooped up here instead of experiencing the whole wide world. No plowing my own acres, going around shirtless all day. Experiencing freedom.
Michael Scott: That's it. That's it. You can't put a price on freedom.
Dwight K. Schrute: Try me.
Michael Scott: That's why you've made the decision.
Dwight K. Schrute: I haven't made a decision yet.
Michael Scott: You kind of have.

Quote from Jim

Jim: You cannot take the fall for him.
Dwight K. Schrute: He said he would do the same for me.
Jim: He can do the same, right now, by getting fired instead of you. So what are you gonna do?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm gonna go back to work. After I write you up for insubordination.
Jim: There he is.

Quote from David

Michael Scott: Dwight and I were just having a very unfortunate conversation.
David: That's too bad.
Michael Scott: Yes, it is. But it had to be done, didn't it?
David: Hopefully nothing that can't be undone, because, Dwight, I owe you an apology. The head of Blue Cross just called. They were so excited by the golden ticket discount that they have decided to make Dunder Mifflin their exclusive provider of all office supplies. Congratulations, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're welcome, David. You're welcome.

Quote from David

David: I just want to say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant signs of initiative I've ever seen at this company, and how about a big round of applause for Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Jim: All right, Dwight!
David: This is huge.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's what she said.
David: Very funny.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, Dwight, great idea. Dwight, Dwight, great idea. How'd you come up with that idea?
Dwight K. Schrute: Inspiration.
Michael Scott: Really? How?
Dwight K. Schrute: You never know when it's gonna strike.
Michael Scott: How did it pop into your head?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just "boom."
Michael Scott: Just give me the details of how that happened.

Quote from David

David: Okay, I am going back to New York. Pam, do me a favor, don't send me those notes.
Pam: Okay.
David: I am gone.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When they look back on this day in the history books, all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea. And that's what I'm going to write down in my diary. And that is what I want you to write down in yours.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I am. In my own words.
Michael Scott: I wanna see it.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: I wanna see that.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Give me the diary.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Lynn, I'm just gonna say to you everything that I'm thinking.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: Nice. Boobs.


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