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50Quotes from ‘Gossip’

The Office: Gossip

601. Gossip

Aired September 17, 2009

Michael feels left out of the office gossip, until one of the summer interns tells him some news about Stanley. After Michael spreads it all around the office, he must figure out a way to undo the damage.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How do you un-tell something? You can't. You can't put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that's been said is untrue, including "Stanley is having an affair." It's like the end of Spartacus. I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is, and that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Man, I know how you feel. Third wheel. I have been the third wheel so many times in my life. My mom told me something once that made me feel a lot better. She said "The third wheel is what makes it a tricycle."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team, or being picked for a team and showing up and realizing the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't exist? I should've known. Poopball?

Quote from Creed

Creed: [to Jim & Pam] Hey, did one of you tell Stanley I have asthma? Because I don't, and if it gets out, they won't let me scuba.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward?

Quote from Jim

Jim: This is Parkour. Internet sensation of 2004. And it was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. The goal is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing Parkour, as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.

Quote from Pam

Pam: This is the last day of our summer interns. It's been nice. We haven't had interns for a while, ever since Michael's Monica Lewinsky incident. He didn't do anything sexual. He just made far, far too many Monica Lewinsky jokes. It was just easier for corporate to shut down the program.

Quote from Phyllis

Michael Scott: Well, apparently, he and his wife were out dancing at a club for young people.
Phyllis: Teri's out of town, Michael.
Michael Scott: Who?
Phyllis: Teri, Stanley's wife. She's at an interior decorating expo in Philly. Stanley hates crowds, kids, and music. I think you should check your facts.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Intern: There you go. Is there anything else I can do?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Um... See those files behind Kevin's desk?
Intern: Mm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: Go put them all in random order.
Intern: Mm-kay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then come back here for your next assignment concerning their order.

Quote from Jim

Pam: We haven't told anyone I'm pregnant.
Jim: Well, with her being unmarried, knocked up by some guy, I mean the yakity-yaks in this office would have a field day.
Pam: Yeah, we don't want them at the wedding thinking Jim's being marched down the aisle by my dad with a shotgun.
Jim: Wait, there's not gonna be a shotgun?
Pam: Nope.
Jim: No shotgun? 'cause that changes everything.
Pam: Can't back out now, Halpert.
Jim: What are you gonna do about it? There's no shotgun, so... Free at last, free at last!
Pam: No, keep it up.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Eric likes Megan.
Dwight K. Schrute: He most definitely does. He's been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night; apparently it went very well.
Michael Scott: How do you know this?
Dwight K. Schrute: People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheekbones.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: So, what is the scuttlebutt? Anybody hear anything? Nothing? Well, I got a little something something. I don't know if I should say...
Pam: Just keep it to yourself then.
Michael Scott: Stanley is having a midlife crisis.
Dwight K. Schrute: Stanley's way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wait, wait, hold, hold... So it is true?
Stanley: Yeah, but Michael, I'm going to go break it off. That's where I'm headed right now. I swear.
Michael Scott: Oh my God! Wait a second. Do people often say they're going on sales calls and then go someplace else? 'Cause that's not cool.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: I might have extra, it just depends on how many I eat.
Michael Scott: Did you hear about Angela? That's pretty weird.
Kevin: Yeah. What do you mean exactly?
Michael Scott: Well, the fact that she is apparently dating an 81-year-old billionaire. Owns a Quizno's on the turnpike.
Kevin: Really?
Michael Scott: Uh huh.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: Kelly has an eating disorder?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Erin: She always eats my lunch.
Michael Scott: Anorexia. She's an anorexatic.
Erin: We should do something.
Michael Scott: Nothing can be done, we just have to tell everybody and hope for the best I guess.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: How far along is Pam?
Meredith: A few months, that's why they're rushing the wedding.
Michael Scott: [whispering] Guys, guys... you can't believe everything you hear. Like Stanley, having an affair? That is crazy! It's just- There's no stock it. It's a weird day for false facts. Let it go.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Okay everybody, big day. Last day for our interns, a lot of other stuff. Who knows what to believe? Dwight, the honors.
Dwight K. Schrute: Present these to the dean for credit. And, as a gift, I've attached my card. Call me any time of the day or night.
Eric: Why would we call you at night?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well now you can't call me at all. Problem solved.
Jim: You're gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Did you know a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard?
Pam: What?
Angela: Want me to say it again?
Pam: Why did that come into your brain?

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Hey, has everyone heard a crazy rumor about themselves today?
All: Yes.
Michael Scott: [entering conference room] Yeah, yeah! You know what? Let's discredit these rumors.
Jim: Yeah, sure, but who's been saying all that stuff?
Michael Scott: That's not important, Jim. I just think we shouldn't listen to any of that crap.
Pam: Sure, but we should get to the bottom of this. Let's pick a rumor and trace it back to the beginning.
Kevin: I need to do mine first. Who's been saying that there's another person inside of me, working me with controls?
Creed: I heard that from Andy.
Andy: I heard it from Erin.
Erin: I heard it from Michael.
[Michael quietly backs out of the room]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, you told people I use store-bought manure, when I showed you where my manure comes from. Hmm? Hmm?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Angela: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael Scott: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael Scott: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: Michael, why? Why say all these things? Why make up an eating disorder, Stanley's affair, me being a spokesdog...
Stanley: You told everyone I was having an affair?
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. Here's the thing. There was one true rumor out there today. I didn't want everybody to know what it was. So all of you are off the hook, except for this one person.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look at that! [grabs sonogram from Pam] That is the inside of your vagina!
Pam: That's not how that works.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?
Jim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Michael Scott: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.
Michael Scott: You should've told me.
Pam: You're right. We should've realized that you are an equal part of this.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well, not exactly. [outside, Stanley is battering Michael's Sebring with a crowbar] Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So, you can't stop love, I guess. And quite frankly, I don't think you should ever try.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You stupid son of a bitch. You set me up.
Maurie: What are you talking about?
Michael Scott: Stanley's wife is out of town.
Maurie: He was with somebody.
Eric: He was definitely with somebody.
Michael Scott: Oh, was he? Well who, his sister?
Eric: [chuckles]
Michael Scott: I don't get it!
Eric: If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal.
Michael Scott: Drugs?
Eric: Making out.
Michael Scott: [stuttering] Mmm... okay. Uhh... hmm... okay. Never mind. Carry on.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Parkour!

Quote from Michael Scott

Meredith: Think she did him?
Oscar: I bet there's something there. I was with them in the kitchen yesterday, and they were all too happy to be cleaning the freezer.
Kelly: If they get married before I do, I'm going to kill myself.
Michael Scott: Who's getting married?
Pam: Nobody.
Michael Scott: If somebody doesn't tell me, I'm gonna start screaming.
Kelly: It's Eric and Megan.
Michael Scott: Oh! Hey, I hired them! Matchmaker! This place is like Spaniard Fly.
Phyllis: They're not getting married. It's just talk.
Michael Scott: Did everybody know about this but me?
Phyllis: There's nothing to know, it's just gossip.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am very happy right now. Thrilled perhaps, to be part of the office, to be part of the conversation. When you have somebody's attention, and their eyes are lighting up because they are very interested in what you have to say, that is a great feeling, and I experienced that firsthand today. It is wonderful to be the center of attention.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [opening blinds as Stanley walks past] Hey, Stanley! Where you goin', big guy? Up to no good?
Stanley: I'm meeting a client. Do you have a problem with that?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. I just had a quick question for you. I'm casting a movie and I'm looking for a woman who can dance, beautiful woman. Do you know anybody?
Stanley: Goodbye.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Did you hear Stanley's having an affair?
Jim: I did. From you. You gotta stop telling people.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay, I get it. You feel out of the loop, and you feel sorry for yourself, and it's really sad because everybody thinks you're a loser...
Jim: Do you know if it's true? Do you have any idea? Because you might be ruining his life.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Stop. Hold up, hold up, hold up! No, no, no. Time to stop being polite and get real. [Stanley honks horn repeatedly] Stanley, are you having an affair?
Stanley: That is ridiculous. Of course not, why would you think that?
Michael Scott: So it's not true. Okay, well... Oh. Those interns, they told me they saw you at a club, and they all said it was you, it was clearly just... racial profiling gossip.
Stanley: Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club.
Michael Scott: So stupid!
Stanley: It's just that... Teri's been traveling a lot...
Michael Scott: I know, I know.
Stanley: And it's been lonely.
Michael Scott: Oh, I bet. Hey, hey-
Stanley: Cynthia's been keeping me company. She was my nurse, when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill... I didn't-

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm worried about Erin, because she's not a very good worker. I don't know how long she's gonna last here.
Kelly: Really?
Michael Scott: Yeah. So... and Andy is gay.
Kelly: Andy Bernard??
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Meredith

Michael Scott: [whispering] Did you hear Pam is pregnant?
Meredith: Really?
Michael Scott: Yeah!
Meredith: She's gonna hate being a mom.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Look at the intern to your left. Now to your right. One of you will do exceedingly well in business, just unlimited potential. One of you will make a living, and nothing more. And one of you will make a great mother. It's up to you to choose which you want to be.

Quote from Kelly

Erin: I am so happy you're eating again.
Kelly: Me too!

Quote from Jim

Andy: Tuna, how come you never try to set me up?
Jim: Oh, I don't really do that. But Pam might have some friends, though.
Andy: Women friends?
Jim: Yep.
Andy: Not guy friends?
Jim: Are you interested in her guy friends?
Andy: No. I mean, for the record, I prefer women.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: But off the record, I'm kinda confused.
Jim: Really?
Andy: Yeah, the evidence is sort of stacked against me, I feel like...
Jim: Well, you gotta figure this out.
Andy: Yeah, right?
Jim: Yeah!
Andy: How?
Jim: You gotta have sex with a woman.
Andy: Right-o.
Jim: And a man.
Andy: Ohh...
Jim: And then compare.
Andy: Oh. Alright.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, congratulations to you.
Jim: On what?
Andy: Come on. Little baby Tuna. Little junior toro.

Quote from Pam

Jim: So, they know.
Pam: Who did you tell?
Jim: I didn't tell anyone! Who did you tell?
Pam: Nobody!

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: [to Andy] What? You think I'm the voice of the Taco Bell dog?

Quote from Toby

Toby: [to Phyllis and Stanley] What are you guys talking about? I have a daughter. How can I be a virgin?

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Don't get on it.
Jim: Michael, don't.
Pam: Don't... get... on. Do not.
Jim: Michael!
Kevin: Stay.
Pam: Step away.
Creed: Come on, boss.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: Okay, I made it all up.
Andy: Even the fact that I'm gay?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Andy: Yes!

Quote from Andy

Kelly: Well then, what's the one true rumor?
Phyllis: We have a right to know.
Andy: Michael... am I gay?

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: [sighs]The one true rumor, and this is going to ruin this person's life, is that...
Jim: [interrupting] That Pam's pregnant.
Angela: I knew it!
Kevin: I knew it! Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought "Oh, she has a new bra with padding." But then I thought "Pam doesn't need padding." It just didn't add up, Jim.
Jim: Okay. Thank you.
Phyllis: Congratulations!
Erin: That's really great, you guys.
Ryan: Don't vaccinate it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who's the father?
Pam: Jim.
Creed: How far along?
Jim: Four months.
Creed: Who's the OB/GYN?
Pam: Stop. Don't.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: You called Stanley's wife?
Michael Scott: Oh, oh. Yeah, a long time ago, just to make sure she was out of town. Oh... Oh, God.
Jim: Don't take it.
Michael Scott: No, I have to take it, or it'll seem suspicious.
Pam: If you talk to her, you're gonna tell her about Stanley, and that's gonna seem more suspicious.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. I can do this.
Jim: You can't do this.
Michael Scott: Yes, I can. I am going to tell her that I need to redecorate my condo, and I need her help. We will haggle about money, and then I will back down, and then I won't talk to her until this whole Cynthia thing has blown over.
Jim: That sounds terrible.
Pam: Michael, please don't.
Michael Scott: [picking up phone] Hey, what up, Cynthia?

Quote from Michael Scott

Maurie: I learned that a company can describe their internship as "full of exciting experiences," even if that's a lie. There's no regulation.
Megan: I learned that half these people's email password is "password."
Eric: I learned that a ream of paper is 300 sheets.
Megan: I thought it was 500.
Eric: Oh... I guess I didn't learn anything.
Maurie: I learned that if you look even the tiniest bit like Jet Li, Michael will call you "Jet Li" all summer.
Megan: Julia Stiles.
Eric: Alan Thicke.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: What?
Kevin: [giggling] Tea.
Andy: So?
Kevin: You would.
Andy: [laughing] I like tea!
Kevin: Oh, I bet you like it.
Andy: Hahaha! I like it a lot! I love tea!
Kevin: Do you like it as much as you like men's butts?
Andy: What?
Kevin: Because you're gay.
Andy: [serious] Who told you that? Was it Broccoli Rob? Someone from Chi Psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school?

Quote from Andy

Andy: This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before, actually. Just a weird coincidence. A little too weird. [chuckles nervously] Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all. Whoa! Which it is, of course. [long pause] But it makes you wonder.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Did you hear the rumor about me? That I'm gay?
Oscar: I did. Yes.
Andy: And?
Oscar: What?
Andy: Do you think it's true? Do you think that I'm... gay?
Oscar: Are you attracted to other men?
Andy: [scoffs and chuckles] No! But, let me kick you a scenario. I'm at, like, a beach cabana, and Brad Pitt approaches. He tries to lean in and kiss me. I would definitely resist, like at first. But if he was persistent... I might- I think I might give in a little bit, just to see what it felt like. Would I push him away? How hard? Like, what if he's like really aggressive?
Oscar: If you resisted Brad Pitt a little bit, he would still... need to get to you?
Andy: This is not real Brad Pitt, this is like, this is my fantasy. Or it's like, not a fantasy. It's what I'm- It's just a scenario.
Oscar: Wow. I wish- I wish I could help you. I don't- You might be gay. You might be gay.


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