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‘Business Ethics’ Quotes

The Office: Business Ethics

503. Business Ethics

Aired October 9, 2008

Holly is frustrated when Michael disrupts her ethics seminar and doesn't seem to care about the wrongdoing taking place at the branch.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [whispering] People expect a lot from these meetings: laughter, sudden twists, surprise endings. You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. You need to be Robin Shyamalan.
Holly: Well, I just have to get through the binder.
Michael Scott: Just you're kind of losing them.

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Quote from Holly

Holly: Okay, so I've gone over this, and I've thought about it, and I just don't think there's any way I can write a report that doesn't end with her being terminated.
Michael Scott: Wow. Terminator.
Holly: [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'm from the future.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Why is it okay for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I'll just take up smoking. I'll do it. I don't care.
Meredith: I'll smoke with you. I got a bag of cigars in my purse.

Quote from Jim

Jim: He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45, he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32, he peed, and I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I've been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today.

Quote from Holly

[Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical" starts playing]
Michael & Holly: Let's get ethical, ethical I wanna get ethical Let's get into ethics Yeah, let me hear Dunder Mifflin talk Your body talk Let me hear your body talk-
Michael Scott: Whoo! All right!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why are you helping her? You're not even dating. She's my friend, and ultimately my strategy is to sort of merge this into a relationship without her even knowing.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Okay, elephant in the room. Let's talk about it. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do. Even though it was an amazing ride, and I'll give you an example. Anyone see Survivor, season 6? Anyone know Joanna on that show? In New York city, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that. Indistinguishable, so...
Michael Scott: Well done. Good speech, Ryan. You're a good guy.

Quote from Stanley

Holly: "In fact, spending a half hour at the watercooler during work hours is a form of stealing."
Kelly: What?
Holly: Yes, it's called time theft, and it's the same as taking money from the company. Can anyone think of examples of things that are over-the-line time-wasters?
Stanley: This meeting.
Michael Scott: Can't set them up like that.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? Boom!
Michael Scott: Exactly, Andy.
Andy: I took intro to philosophy twice, no big deal.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.
Andy: No, that's not how it works.
Michael Scott: I would not steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Okay, but we should get back to business. Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the workplace?
Michael Scott: Anybody? This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions. Stanley? Oscar, come on.
Oscar: Pass.
Michael Scott: I will go first. When I discovered Youtube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I viewed Cookie Monster sings Chocolate Rain about 1,000 times.
Holly: What was the dilemma?
Michael Scott: To tell you or not, and I'm glad I did. I feel very, very good and "catharctic."

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble. You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity.
Holly: Oh, no. No, no.
Michael Scott: Come on. Anybody? Let it fly.
Oscar: Once in a while, I'll take a long lunch.
Michael Scott: A siesta.
Dwight K. Schrute: Time thief. Time thief. Fire him.

Quote from Meredith

Michael Scott: Well, let's keep this party moving on.
Meredith: I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Myers, the Scranton rep for Hammermill?
Michael Scott: Bruuuuuuuce!
Meredith: Well, for the past six years, I've been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback steakhouse gift certificates.
Jim: Jackpot.
Holly: Meredith, that is serious. I mean, not only is that a conflict of interest, but there's also an exchange of goods.
Meredith: Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?
Michael Scott: That's crazy. That's crazy talk. The "Merenator", sleeping with suppliers.

Quote from Meredith

Holly: So, regarding the supplier, approximately how many liaisons have there been?
Meredith: Liaisons? You mean meet-ups? I don't know. Once a month for six years, something like that.
Michael Scott: Meredith, why don't you tell Holly it's not what she thinks, nothing unethical happened, and that you just like to sleep around.
Meredith: Am I in trouble here or something?
Michael Scott: No. No. This is just a stupid formality.
Holly: No, it's not a formality. Now, were these meet-ups, just personal, unrelated to business?
Meredith: Nah. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms.
Michael Scott: For the love of God, we're trying to help you, you stupid bag.
Holly: What I don't understand is why the steak coupons? I mean, if you were already getting the discounted paper?
Meredith: Well, it's funny. Maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it, when he would give me those coupons, I just felt good about myself. What's going on here? I thought I had immunity.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Yawn, four seconds.
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing?
Jim: Oh, you had said that you don't do anything personal during work time, so I'm just making sure.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait a minute. So you're gonna time me every time I yawn? That's absurd. Really? Oh, hey, look, monkey knows how to use a stopwatch, everybody. He's ti-
Jim: Personal conversation, seventeen seconds.
Dwight K. Schrute: There is no way that that was-
Jim: One second.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey, Andy. By any chance, did you see Battlestar Galactica last night?
Andy: No, I did not. Is that any good?
Jim: Actually not. It is really so-so.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. [As Dwight turns around, Jim holds up his stopwatch]
Jim: I mean, I like all the crazy monsters and stuff, you know, like Klingons and Wookies and all that, but- Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight?
Andy: Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica?
Jim: You know, it's weird. It's practically a shot-for-shot remake.
Andy: Really? That's cool.
Jim: Story's kind of bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian-
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, okay.
Jim: Who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.
Andy: It's really- That doesn't sound right.

Quote from Holly

Holly: It's been a little tense. People are suspicious of me, and my best friend in the office won't even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know, because in middle school, I was the hall monitor, and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just hoping middle school was over.

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: Kendall from corporate H.R. is on line 1 and Holly's on her way too.
Michael Scott: What's the only thing worse than one H.R. Rep?
Ryan: Two H.R. Reps.
Michael Scott: You get me.

Quote from Meredith

Phyllis: Thank you, Meredith. This was delicious.
Meredith: Hey. Where's the steak sauce?
Kevin: I think we're out.
Meredith: I got some in my minivan somewhere.
Andy: Wait a second. How does the steak factor in again?
Kevin: I think she got it as a tip, but I don't know why she didn't just take cash.
Phyllis: I don't care what she's doing. I hope she just keeps doing it.
Stanley: Amen, just keep the ribs coming.

Quote from Holly

Holly: Let's start discussing those questionnaires that you filled in this morning. "It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours?" Now, some of you marked that you very strongly agree. But ideally you would've selected "totally agree."
Phyllis: I thought "very strongly agree" sounded stronger than "totally agree."
Holly: Corporate would like to emphasize that ideally you would all totally agree with that statement.


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