Michael Scott: [whispering] People expect a lot from these meetings: laughter, sudden twists, surprise endings. You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. You need to be Robin Shyamalan.
Holly: Well, I just have to get through the binder.
Michael Scott: Just you're kind of losing them.

Holly: Okay, so I've gone over this, and I've thought about it, and I just don't think there's any way I can write a report that doesn't end with her being terminated.
Michael Scott: Wow. Terminator.
Holly: [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'm from the future.

Kelly: Why is it okay for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I'll just take up smoking. I'll do it. I don't care.
Meredith: I'll smoke with you. I got a bag of cigars in my purse.

Jim: He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45, he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32, he peed, and I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I've been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today.

Holly: Okay, but we should get back to business. Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the workplace?
Michael Scott: Anybody? This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions. Stanley? Oscar, come on.
Oscar: Pass.
Michael Scott: I will go first. When I discovered Youtube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I viewed Cookie Monster sings Chocolate Rain about 1,000 times.
Holly: What was the dilemma?
Michael Scott: To tell you or not, and I'm glad I did. I feel very, very good and "catharctic."

Holly: So, regarding the supplier, approximately how many liaisons have there been?
Meredith: Liaisons? You mean meet-ups? I don't know. Once a month for six years, something like that.
Michael Scott: Meredith, why don't you tell Holly it's not what she thinks, nothing unethical happened, and that you just like to sleep around.
Meredith: Am I in trouble here or something?
Michael Scott: No. No. This is just a stupid formality.
Holly: No, it's not a formality. Now, were these meet-ups, just personal, unrelated to business?
Meredith: Nah. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms.
Michael Scott: For the love of God, we're trying to help you, you stupid bag.
Holly: What I don't understand is why the steak coupons? I mean, if you were already getting the discounted paper?
Meredith: Well, it's funny. Maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it, when he would give me those coupons, I just felt good about myself. What's going on here? I thought I had immunity.

[Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical" starts playing]
Michael & Holly: Let's get ethical, ethical I wanna get ethical Let's get into ethics Yeah, let me hear Dunder Mifflin talk Your body talk Let me hear your body talk-
Michael Scott: Whoo! All right!

Michael Scott: Why are you helping her? You're not even dating. She's my friend, and ultimately my strategy is to sort of merge this into a relationship without her even knowing.

Ryan: Okay, elephant in the room. Let's talk about it. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do. Even though it was an amazing ride, and I'll give you an example. Anyone see Survivor, season 6? Anyone know Joanna on that show? In New York city, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that. Indistinguishable, so...
Michael Scott: Well done. Good speech, Ryan. You're a good guy.

Holly: "In fact, spending a half hour at the watercooler during work hours is a form of stealing."
Kelly: What?
Holly: Yes, it's called time theft, and it's the same as taking money from the company. Can anyone think of examples of things that are over-the-line time-wasters?
Stanley: This meeting.
Michael Scott: Can't set them up like that.