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40Quotes from ‘St. Patrick's Day’

The Office: St. Patrick's Day

619. St. Patrick's Day

Aired March 11, 2010

On St. Patrick's Day, Michael tries to impress Jo Bennett, the company's new owner, by having everyone work late. Meanwhile, Andy and Erin's first date doesn't go to plan, and Dwight tries to make Jim feel bad when he returns to work.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt with the molten hot lava of strategy!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Erin and I have our first date tonight, and it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to "How I Met Your Mother", that's the date that your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about, and you better have a good story for them.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don't care if you're a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in!

Quote from Jo

Jo: Well, this is my last day at the Scranton branch for a while. But I'm leaving it in the very capable hands of some of the loveliest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. You know, I'm gonna miss this place. And the snow! Oh, my dogs love peeing in that snow! Makes me think they're onto something.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Must be amazing being a father right, a miracle of life?
Jim: It is. Big time.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, that baby is just discovering the whole wide world right now.
Jim: Pretty amazing.
Dwight K. Schrute: What up is, what down is, who Mom is, who Dad is. Must be tough being here with all that going on.
Jim: Oh, it's tough being here for a lot of reasons.
Dwight K. Schrute: I mean, you're here at work, and the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father.
Jim: Is that what happened to you?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll tell you what happened to me. I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet-nurse was my mother.
Jim: That's a common mistake.
Dwight K. Schrute: Turned out fine for me. But Mose? Oh. Same story, different ending.

Quote from Erin

Angela: [As Erin sneezes at her desk] Hey! Are you sick?
Erin: Oh, no I'm fine, I just have a little indigestion.
Angela: In your nose?
Erin: Yes.
[aside to camera:]
Erin: I'm a little sick but I don't want to miss my date with Andy. I'll get better. Whenever I'm sick it goes away within a few hours. Except once, when I was in the hospital from age three to six.

Quote from Jo

Jo: Oh, you don't become the most powerful woman in Tallahassee by slacking off. [scoffs] You do it by working hard. Or marrying rich. I did both!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: What do we got here?
Dwight K. Schrute: Mega-Desk.
Jim: Of course.
Dwight K. Schrute: Command Central. Surveillance, gaming and business.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Yes, I'm anxious to get off work. But let me be clear. It's not to celebrate St Patrick's Day. It's so I can protest St. Patrick's Day.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How late do we have to work tonight?
Gabe: You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here til midnight. Sometimes she doesn't show up for three days.
Michael Scott: Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is?
Gabe: Yeah, that would be awesome. I could get a girlfriend. Wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But uh, I'm young, right? I will date when I'm dead!
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would've turned thirty. That's just- That's just depressing.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [Irish accent] Hello. Hello. Top of the morning to you! Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Nature's Viagra! Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It'll be a good day.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Stop fighting. Just on St Patrick's Day, okay? Just one perfect day a year. No hassles, no problems, no kids.
Ryan: Why no kids?
Kelly: Yeah, where are your kids?
Meredith: Nope. Nuh -uh. Not today!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back, and we have a problem. Yes, getting hooked on Mega-Desk was my own damn fault. But ... I don't care about assigning blame. All I care about is Mega-Desk. That is all I care about. Getting. More. Mega-Desk.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Let's follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesn't like Michael anymore. Hmm.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: [on the phone] And I'm actually pleased to be able to offer you printer cartridges and toner now.
Dwight K. Schrute: [whispers] Oh Jim, Jim! Sorry to bother you.
Jim: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: My headphones are broken.
Jim: Right.
Dwight K. Schrute: Can I listen to my music at a low volume?
Jim: Yeah, that's great. Great.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay? [Unplugs cord, sings] "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue-"
Jim: When's the last time you upgraded your printer?
Dwight K. Schrute: "-and the man in the moon. When you coming home Dad? I don't know when-"
Jim: [whispers] Please stop that!
Dwight K. Schrute: "-But we'll be together then-"
Jim: Can you grow up?
Dwight K. Schrute: "-Dad, you know we'll have a good time then."

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Just because Jo has no life, does not mean that the rest of us don't have lives. Oscar has a life. I think Ryan has a life. This is outrageous.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I don't know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her, and pretend to work late? Nah. I spent all day, trying to make her like me, and I forgot to ask myself something: Do I even like her? As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin says, "Don't worry, be happy."

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: What the hell is this?
Jim: Oh!
Dwight K. Schrute: This is not Mega-Desk.
Jim: No, it's not. They call it Quad-Desk.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks.
Jim: Oh my God. We're going to have to re-name it then aren't we? [Dwight's phone rings. He crawls into a spacer under Jim's Quad-Desk]
Dwight K. Schrute: [answering phone] Hello, Dwight Schrute?

Quote from Jo

Michael Scott: Hey there. So I think I'm done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier.
Jo: Well there's chatting time and there's working time. I'm still on working time.
Michael Scott: Mm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so.
Jo: Well, if you feel like you've done a solid days work...
Michael Scott: Right. What?
Jo: Well I mean, if you can put your name on this day, and be proud of the amount of work you've done, then, by all means, you should toodle on home.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jo: Oh good morning, sweetheart.
Michael Scott: Morning, honey pile.
Jo: I'm sorry but is that a gift I see in your hands?
Michael Scott: It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by.
Jo: Is that a lump of coal?
Michael Scott: Yes, it is!
Jo: Have I been that naughty?
Michael Scott: No, no no. That is a good gift actually. Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal.

Quote from Jo

Jo: We, we don't get to see much coal in Tallahassee, I'm used to alligators, and some of the worst Chinese food you've ever tasted.

Quote from Pam

Jim: [on the phone with Pam, looking at a picture of Cecelia on his computer] Good Lord! I can't believe I'm missing this.
Pam: It's kind of like that lip thing she did last night, like a half snarl, half smile? I get the sense that she's very ironic.

Quote from Kevin

Jo: You know I get way too many ideas from the top. Now I want to hear your ideas. I mean, did you guys know that Liquid Paper? That wasn't invented by some fancy engineer. No, that was created by a lowly typist.
Kevin: Jo, I have an idea, for suntan lotion - soap.
Jo: You know it doesn't have to be an invention.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: I have a question.
Michael Scott: Oscar, homosexual accountant.
Oscar: In the training manual it says, that there is a minority executive training program in Tallahassee?
Jo: I am so proud of Sabre's "Print In All Colors" initiative. Any Sabre employee of color, is welcome to apply. [Kelly applauds] Darryl?
Michael Scott: Darryl. Mellow, soulful, smart for warehouse...
Jo: Okay hush now.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: The Sabre shipping method could be more efficient. Combining inventory systems makes sense on paper, but printers and paper ship differently. It'll be faster to deliver them separately, instead of waiting on everything to come in.
Jo: But you wouldn't need more trucks?
Darryl: Not at all. There's a way that it can be scheduled. I sketched this out downstairs.
Jo: Oh look at you.
Michael Scott: Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job! We're very proud of you. You know what, we're gonna tape that up on the refrigerator in the kitchen.
Jo: I like this, Darryl. I like this a lot. Maybe you should be doing your sketching upstairs. Would you like an office up here?
Darryl: Are you serious?
Jo: Yeah. Take Jim's old office.
Gabe: Um. I set my stuff up in there. So... just give me a few minutes to clean that out for you.
Jo: Yeah, I want to hear more from you.
Darryl: Absolutely.

Quote from Jo

Jo: Okay. Any questions? Anything on anybody's mind? I'm leaving tonight, this is your last chance for a while!
Michael Scott: Oh no! Say it's not so, Jo. We're gonna miss you. We're gonna miss you so much!
Jo: Yes, well okay. Florida ain't that far away.
Michael Scott: Well, I am heading down there.
Jo: Well, anytime now.
Michael Scott: How about July 4th weekend? [Reveals paper ticket]
Jo: Oh honey you didn't buy a ticket?
Michael Scott: I did!
Jo: Oh, honey. I'm not home, very often. And uh, me and my relatives, they take up the guesthouse. I think you should check with my office, before you book any dates, okay?
Michael Scott: You know what, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats on a bunch of different flights, but there are a couple of flights that only have two tickets left, so I think we should pull the trigger and -
Jo: Enough!

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: [singing] Moving on up, to the East Side, to the deluxe apartment in the sky...

Quote from Jo

Michael Scott: Hello. I want you to stop what you're doing right now. You are stressed, and I'm taking you to lunch.
Jo: No, that's very generous of you, but I'm all set.
Michael Scott: No is not an option.
Jo: Yes it is.
Michael Scott: All right. Well if you need me, I'll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no.
Jo: How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?

Quote from Jim

Jim: I am not surprised that Dwight's using my baby to steal my desk. I'm a little surprised that it's working.

Quote from Jo

Erin: This fax came for you. [coughs]
Jo: Oh, no, no, no! Are you feeling ill?
Erin: Uh-
Jo: Oh no, honey, if you got a bug, I want you to go on home. I can't have you getting Callie and Jo Jr. sick. These dogs have got to be in a commercial with Dwight Howard next week.
Erin: Oh! No. I feel like I could lift a car.
Jo: Yeah, but you sound like death, girl. Now why don't you go on home and take care of yourself and get in bed. And shred that and have them send me a clean fax, alright?

Quote from Andy

Andy: She should go home. It's not the end of the world. We'll go on our date next week. She's still gonna like me in a week. Right?

Quote from Darryl

Michael Scott: A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man, you seem to have caught Jo's eye. How'd you make that happen?
Darryl: I impressed her with my good ideas.
Michael Scott: Hmm. Seriously, how did you do it?
Darryl: I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there.
Michael Scott: How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something, in terms of a past injustice?
Darryl: Now, Mike, I have to ask you to leave, so that I can learn about this tiny television.

Quote from Andy

Erin: Oh! Andy!
Andy: Hi!
Erin: I'm in my jammy-jams!
Andy: That's okay, I'm in my "worky-works." You look amazing!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny O'Gannigan's tonight. It shouldn't go all night long, so if you'd like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence. [Jim doesn't respond] No? Nothing? Okay. Have fun working. [Whistles "Cat's in the Cradle"]

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Hi there, Jo. Sorry to interrupt. Um, this evening I have- [phone rings]
Jo: [answering phone] Hello?
Jim: Hey, Jo, it's Jim Halpert. I actually scheduled a meeting at 7:30 with a very important client. And it's so weird, because we never have meetings after 5 pm. But I was hoping that maybe just this once, it would be okay.
Jo: Well sure. You know, you go ahead and push some printers.
Jim: You know I will. And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this!
Jo: Okay.
Jim: Okay.
Jo: Sorry, sugar. What'd you want?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting. With a client. I'm just gonna reschedule for next week.
Jo: Thank you.
Jim: [on the way out] Thanks again by the way. [pats Dwight on the shoulder]

Quote from Andy

Andy: So, how does the whole foster sibling thing work? Do you guys share one parent or-?
Erin: None. We were in the same house from ages ten to twelve. And then from fifteen to eighteen.
Andy: All right. Formative years.
Reid: Nice skirt.
Andy: Yeah, it's a kilt.

Quote from Jo

Jo: Overnight all my damn bags home. I'm carrying nothing but my Sable gloves. I've had it with Homeland Security. And I want you to put all those tracking numbers in my Blackberry.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello, Jo.
Jo: Anything I can do for you, puddin'?
Michael Scott: There is, as a matter of fact. It's getting sorta late. It's 8:30. And it's St. Patrick's Day, which is a world ethnic holiday. So I have decided I'm going to dismiss my employees.
Jo: Hmm.
Michael Scott: I'm thrilled with the work they've done today, both quality and the quantity. Great performance, Very, very solid all the way around.
Jo: All right then.
Michael Scott: Okay. Happy St. Patrick's Day. [starts to leave] And also, I would like to say that I will be canceling my trip down to Tallahassee. Although I do look forward to our professional relationship.
Jo: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jo: I look forward to that too.

Quote from Todd

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Hey Pack-man.
Todd: Hey what's up, Butt-plug?
Michael Scott: How you doing stud? You already there?
Todd: Dude, I've been here since three! I've boot and rallied twice.
Michael Scott: How's the lady situation?
Todd Packer: Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance.
Michael Scott: Ah, damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately, I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late.
Todd: Oh here's what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, borrow some balls and come meet me!
Michael Scott: Yeah. Maybe next year.
Todd: Maybe next "queer." Hey ladies, who wants some bangers and mash? [call disconnects]


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