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‘Chair Model’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Office: Chair Model

414. Chair Model

Aired April 17, 2008

Michael tries to move on from his relationship with Jan by asking his employees to fix him up. Meanwhile, Andy and Kevin take charge of a problem with the office parking lot.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Did I do this for me? No. I did this for the little guy. For Joe six-pack, the guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills? That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.

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Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, "Wendy". Hot and juicy redhead. Let's give this a try. [dials phone]
Woman: [answering phone] Wendy's.
Michael Scott: Hello, Wendy. This is Kevin's friend Michael.
Woman: This isn't Wendy.
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. Could you put her on, please?
Woman: Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant.
Michael Scott: Damn it, Kevin. Okay. Um. Could I just have a frosty and a baked potato, please?
Woman: You have to come to the restaurant to order food.
Michael Scott: Well, I'll send somebody to pick it up, just have it ready.
Woman: It's ready now.
Michael Scott: Well, put it aside.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them, and they're just hanging me out to dry. Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me but it is, and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well fine, here goes.
Angela: I don't think that-
Michael Scott: Now okay, I know that this is probably not appropriate. But I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens, I need to get laid. And before that happens, I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear, "I don't know, I can't help, na na na." No, no. I am a catch, and I am not going to be the one who got away. So this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards, and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour, or you are fired.
Dwight K. Schrute: Write legibly, people.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information: Debrah Shoshlefski, 142 South Windsor Lane, Dead, car accident. Case closed.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: We need to assemble the five families.
Michael Scott: No, not the five families.
Kevin: We have to!
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, regional manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him "Cool Guy Paul". W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones heating and air. Grade A badass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Die. Bill Cress is super old and really mean.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [singing to the tune of "American Pie"] Bye, bye, miss chairmodel lady I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice We had lots of kids Drinking whiskey and rye Why d'you have to go off and die? Why d'you have to go off and die?
Michael & Dwight: [singing] Oh, you believe in rock'n roll? Can music save your mortal soul? And then, can you have to dance real slow? Well, I know that you're in love with him 'Cause I saw you dancin' in the gym - Kicked off both her shoes - Turned off her shoes - No more rhythm and blues! - No verdict was returned! Rhythm and blues. This will be the day that I die.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic, because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85?
Creed: [ringing Pam] Yo, is this his new chair?
Pam: No, he hasn't picked one yet.
Creed: Argh.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.

Quote from Pam

Pam: W.B. Jones is renovating their offices and their crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.
Jim: So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there.
Pam: Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today, Jim.
Jim: Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Pam: Nature.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldn't care but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these: [makes air sound, drops down] I really want it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Have you ever seen this woman?
Pam: Her? The one in the really great mesh, black, hi-back swivel chair?
Michael Scott: Look at her smile. It's the eyes. Look at her eyes. She's got- I don't know what it is exactly. She dresses like a professional, and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch.
Pam: Or in a great chair.
Michael Scott: Uh. Yeah, maybe, but- Remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women?
Pam: I definitely remember your dinner party.
Michael Scott: I think what I meant was that I am completely swearing off one woman: Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands.
Pam: Actually, I put the catalog in your hand 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So FYI, for those of you who're thinking about fixing me up, with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all.

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: Because of the construction at W.B. Jones, half of us have to park in the satellite lot. It's, like, a 10 minute walk.
Kevin: No, 30.
Michael Scott: Well, look, I have an assigned parking place in front, so- All right, all right. Let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. ... ... Okay, yes, that would be bad.
Andy: Yes. Yes.
Michael Scott: That would be bad.
Andy: Okay, so... Help us out.
Michael Scott: Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.
Kevin: Michael, please-
Michael Scott: What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway. He can just deal with it.

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