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40Quotes from ‘Chair Model’

The Office: Chair Model

414. Chair Model

Aired April 17, 2008

Michael tries to move on from his relationship with Jan by asking his employees to fix him up. Meanwhile, Andy and Kevin take charge of a problem with the office parking lot.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Did I do this for me? No. I did this for the little guy. For Joe six-pack, the guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills? That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, "Wendy". Hot and juicy redhead. Let's give this a try. [dials phone]
Woman: [answering phone] Wendy's.
Michael Scott: Hello, Wendy. This is Kevin's friend Michael.
Woman: This isn't Wendy.
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. Could you put her on, please?
Woman: Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant.
Michael Scott: Damn it, Kevin. Okay. Um. Could I just have a frosty and a baked potato, please?
Woman: You have to come to the restaurant to order food.
Michael Scott: Well, I'll send somebody to pick it up, just have it ready.
Woman: It's ready now.
Michael Scott: Well, put it aside.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them, and they're just hanging me out to dry. Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me but it is, and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well fine, here goes.
Angela: I don't think that-
Michael Scott: Now okay, I know that this is probably not appropriate. But I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens, I need to get laid. And before that happens, I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear, "I don't know, I can't help, na na na." No, no. I am a catch, and I am not going to be the one who got away. So this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards, and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour, or you are fired.
Dwight K. Schrute: Write legibly, people.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information: Debrah Shoshlefski, 142 South Windsor Lane, Dead, car accident. Case closed.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: We need to assemble the five families.
Michael Scott: No, not the five families.
Kevin: We have to!
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, regional manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him "Cool Guy Paul". W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones heating and air. Grade A badass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Die. Bill Cress is super old and really mean.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [singing to the tune of "American Pie"] Bye, bye, miss chairmodel lady I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice We had lots of kids Drinking whiskey and rye Why d'you have to go off and die? Why d'you have to go off and die?
Michael & Dwight: [singing] Oh, you believe in rock'n roll? Can music save your mortal soul? And then, can you have to dance real slow? Well, I know that you're in love with him 'Cause I saw you dancin' in the gym - Kicked off both her shoes - Turned off her shoes - No more rhythm and blues! - No verdict was returned! Rhythm and blues. This will be the day that I die.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic, because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85?
Creed: [ringing Pam] Yo, is this his new chair?
Pam: No, he hasn't picked one yet.
Creed: Argh.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.

Quote from Pam

Pam: W.B. Jones is renovating their offices and their crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.
Jim: So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there.
Pam: Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today, Jim.
Jim: Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Pam: Nature.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldn't care but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these: [makes air sound, drops down] I really want it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Have you ever seen this woman?
Pam: Her? The one in the really great mesh, black, hi-back swivel chair?
Michael Scott: Look at her smile. It's the eyes. Look at her eyes. She's got- I don't know what it is exactly. She dresses like a professional, and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch.
Pam: Or in a great chair.
Michael Scott: Uh. Yeah, maybe, but- Remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women?
Pam: I definitely remember your dinner party.
Michael Scott: I think what I meant was that I am completely swearing off one woman: Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands.
Pam: Actually, I put the catalog in your hand 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So FYI, for those of you who're thinking about fixing me up, with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all.

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: Because of the construction at W.B. Jones, half of us have to park in the satellite lot. It's, like, a 10 minute walk.
Kevin: No, 30.
Michael Scott: Well, look, I have an assigned parking place in front, so- All right, all right. Let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. ... ... Okay, yes, that would be bad.
Andy: Yes. Yes.
Michael Scott: That would be bad.
Andy: Okay, so... Help us out.
Michael Scott: Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.
Kevin: Michael, please-
Michael Scott: What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway. He can just deal with it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I've collected the rest of the ladies.
Michael Scott: Good, good. Because this batch was awful. This one says "chair model."
Dwight K. Schrute: I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her, and I will bring her to you. And as God is my witness, she shall bear your fruit.
Michael Scott: That sounds good. Go get her. Wait, wait, wait. First go to Wendy's, get my food, come back, and then go.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: She's dead? But she's so young.
Dwight K. Schrute: She was so young and now, she's dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.
Michael Scott: Oh. God.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why don't you sit down, Michael? Come on. There we go.
Jim: Michael, you didn't even know her.
Michael Scott: Try not to be so hurtful, Jim.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, how dare you?
Michael Scott: Please. Not at time like this.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So you get the rent checks every month and... What happens next? What-
Margaret: You're asking me what I do with the checks that people write to me?
Michael Scott: Just making conversation. [cut] Why is it so hard to meet people? I- You know, it's- All I want is somebody nice, and sweet, and someone I can talk to and share an experience with, you know? Why is it so hard for people like us?
Margaret: I don't know.
Michael Scott: You wanna see what I walked out on? This is going to blow your mind. Look at that! [holding up a picture of Jan on his cell phone]
Margaret: She's beautiful.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Yeah. And you can't see her whole body, down here, she has a boob job. Just- She was just crazy smart and really manipulative and I don't know.
Jan: [on the phone] Michael? Hello- Michael?
Margaret: Well, I'm gonna head out.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. Well, um, I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet, old lady on the bus.
Margaret: That's incredibly rude.
Michael Scott: Now you ruined it.

Quote from Jim

Jim: You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment.
Pam: [laughing] Oh, I don't care. I don't really like that place that much anyway. I'll just move.
Jim: Oh, really? Who's gonna take you in? You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend 'cause he's kind of a slob, too.
Jim: Okay. Sure. Let's do it.
Pam: No, I- Um. Well, I'm not gonna- I'm- I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged.
Jim: Have I not proposed you yet?
Pam: I don't- No.
Jim: Oh. Well, that's comin'.
Pam: Oh, right now?
Jim: No. I'm not gonna do it right here. That would be rather lame.
Pam: Okay, so then when?
Jim: Pam, I'm not gonna tell you. I hate to break it to you, but that's not how it works.
Pam: Oh, right. Yeah.
Jim: Wait, I'm serious. It's happening.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So... Stay sharp.
Pam: I've been warned.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I am not kidding. [holding up engagement ring] Got it a week after we started dating.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How did she die?
Dwight K. Schrute: I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hangar.
Michael Scott: God.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Michael Scott: She was so innocent.
Dwight K. Schrute: She was stoned apparently.
Michael Scott: You know, I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me. But now I know that that's just silly. Because she's dead. What do you do?
Dwight K. Schrute: You wait till next year's chair catalog comes out and find someone who's still alive.
Michael Scott: You move on.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Where do you wanna go for dinner?
Pam: I don't know. I kinda hate all our regular places right now. Oh, you know what? That one-
Jim: [getting down on one knee] Hey, Pam. Will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?
Pam: I hate you.
Jim: What? My shoe is untied. What is your problem? Oh, my God! You thought I- No, no, no.
Pam: Oh, how could I have thought that?

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: I've been here 9 years, and suddenly I'm supposed to park half a mile away.
Andy: I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I will quit. As God is my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed.
Pam: Some of us like the walk more than others.
Kevin: It hurts like hell.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Did you pick a new chair? It's been a while.
Michael Scott: Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair.
Pam: But instead you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair.

Quote from Phyllis

Andy: I left my cell phone in my car.
Phyllis: Call us when you get there so we know you're okay.

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: Listen, man I am completely over Jan. So, would you set me up?
Kevin: If I had somebody to set you up with, Michael, then I'd take her for myself.
Michael Scott: I thought you were engaged.
Kevin: Nope. Stacy broke up with me.
Michael Scott: What? God, that's terrible, man. Eh. She's crazy. Um, are you still on good terms with any of her friends?
Kevin: Not anymore. It's a bitter situation.
Michael Scott: Yeah- She's- You don't deserve her.

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: I have a friend who's single. Sandy. She's gorgeous and she's got a feisty personality too.
Michael Scott: Mmm. Feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?
Phyllis: No, she's a professional softball player.
Michael Scott: Ooh. Catcher or in field?
Phyllis: I don't know, Michael.
Michael Scott: Is she a dress-wearer or a pants-wearer? Could we share a rowboat? Could a rowboat support her?
Phyllis: What are you asking?
Michael Scott: I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average-sized rowboat support her without capsizing? It bothers me that you're not answering the question.
Phyllis: No, all right? No. She can't fit in a rowboat.
Michael Scott: Damn it! I knew it! I knew it, Phyllis! Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look, I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you to do it yourselves.
Andy: We won't let you down.
Michael Scott: You can't because I don't care. Listen. Don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Who are you putting down?
Jim: Oh, you don't know her.
Pam: Who is it?
Jim: Your mom.
Pam: Yeah, whatever. Give that to me! Give that to-

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Okay, Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you.
Michael Scott: Oh, really? What's her name? Burger King?
Pam: No, I mean it. She's really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along.
Michael Scott: I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot?

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'm setting Michael up with my landlady. She's really sweet and- Whatever, I just can't take Michael like this.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.

Quote from Michael Scott

Margaret: Are you Michael Scott?
Michael Scott: Is who a- Michael what?
Margaret: I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael.
Michael Scott: That's not- Yeah, I'm not-
Barista: Michael? Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint.

Quote from Kevin

Bob Vance: Where's Scott?
Andy: Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement.
W.B. Jones: Let's just meet back in an hour.
Andy: Gentlemen, please. We called this meeting. Andrew Bernard is the name of me, and this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.
Kevin: I have things.

Quote from Kevin

W.B. Jones: All right, what do you want?
Andy: Well, first of all, I'd just like to say what an honor it is to be sitting here with you you gentlemen.
W.B. Jones: You have about 10 seconds.
Kevin: We want our parking spaces back.
Paul Faust: Whose parking spaces?
Kevin: W.B. Jones's construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning, and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and-
Bill Cress: My God.
Paul Faust: I don't have time for this, guys. Just give 'em back their spaces.
W.B. Jones: Okay.
Paul Faust: We good? Okay. Could've done this over email.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: After Stacy left, things did not go well for a while. And it was hard to see. It's just nice to win one.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Margaret the landlady? Really, Pam? Is that what you think of me?
Pam: She's sweet and cute. I thought you would get along.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. Well, I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man of intensity. Of- Of cool, and youth, and- and passionately.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I don't know, man. I was with Jan for so long I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what you need? Closure.
Michael Scott: You're right. What do you mean though?
Dwight K. Schrute: There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say good-bye. I think you need to say good-bye. Come on. I'll drive.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right. Hello, Oscar Meyer weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl-type friends who trust you implicitly because they know you'd never touch 'em 'cause of your condition.


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