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‘Lecture Circuit: Part 1’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

The Office: Lecture Circuit: Part 1

516. Lecture Circuit: Part 1

Aired February 5, 2009

Pam joins Michael on the road as he tours Dunder Mifflin offices sharing his recipe for success. Meanwhile, Jim and Dwight try to make amends after forgetting to organize a party for Kelly's birthday.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me and she still hates me, so.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Are you kidding?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not done yet.
Jim: Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown 'em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight K. Schrute: They match the carpet.
Jim: What is that? "It is your birthday, period"
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a statement of fact.
Jim: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight K. Schrute: This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
Jim: I can't believe how bad this looks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor because I have these memorization tricks that I use. For instance, I learned the pledge of allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. [singing] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America And to the republic for which it stands One nation under God With a woof-woof here And a woof-woof there Here a woof, there a woof, Everywhere a woof, woof- You get it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually, we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. Seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently, Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches - except Nashua, still a little bit raw there - but I am going to these branches and I am telling them my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices in a sales batter.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] No! Oh, my God. No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you- This is going to be hard for me to speak today because I just learned that my father has died. [cheering up] No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No, you can't. Yes, Karen? Do you need to go pump?
Karen: Not gonna have to do that till after I have the baby, no. I am wondering, what are you talking about?
Michael Scott: I am talking about how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.
Karen: But now we think you're a liar.
Michael Scott: Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.
Pam: He brought a sled.
Michael Scott: No, that is a toboggan. You never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill, so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.

Quote from Karen

Pam: So, when are you due?
Karen: In about a month.
Pam: Wow. That is wonderful. Congratulations.
Karen: Thank you. It just all happened so fast.
Michael Scott: It's really amazing. Congratulations, Karen. So, is there a guy or a person or a sperm machine that did this to you or?
Karen: Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me. His name is Dan. This is us. So dorky.
Pam: He's cute.
Karen: He's a dermatologist. We met at a bar. Can you believe that?
Pam: What is happening there?
Karen: Yeah. Don't even. That's really dorky.
Pam: It's really sweet.
Michael Scott: No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time.

Quote from Creed

Andy: Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl and I'm completely panicking.
Oscar: Oh, my desk is over...
Creed: This gal, she's really into you?
Andy: Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today, and we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room she totally looks up.
Creed: All right. Say no more. This is how I got Squeaky Fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.
Andy: Okay, it sounds risky.
Creed: Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?
Andy: Wait, what?

Quote from Creed

Jim: I'm collecting $3 from everybody for Kelly's party.
Creed: I'd like to contribute.
Jim: Oh, great.
Creed: [handing Jim a single three dollar bill] There you go.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [over P.A.] This is your captain speaking. The office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left-hand window, and you will see Vance Refrigeration.
I am the ghost of salesmen past. Do not come near me! [laughing]

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