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‘Mrs. California’ Quotes

The Office: Mrs. California

809. Mrs. California

Aired December 1, 2011

Andy is put in a difficult position when Robert brings his wife, Susan, in for a job interview, while urging Andy not to hire her. Meanwhile, Dwight sets up a gym in the building.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I've been meaning to join a gym for my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay president. Or a supermodel president. I want to see all the different kinds of presidents.


Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster. It takes more freon to keep them cool. They flush the toilets more often. Plus, their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You haven't even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke. Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station. You ever cut tin before?
Darryl: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus, I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now, let's go over membership. I'm going to need the first month's and the last month's up front for $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
Darryl: You don't have to say it if you're doing it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [laughs] Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?
Darryl: Uh, weight lifting yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, today's your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building, Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?
Darryl: I'll take a look.
Dwight K. Schrute: Your path from obesity begins right here!

Quote from Andy

Andy: We will start here at Erinville.
Susan: Hi.
Erin: Hoo-hoo!
Andy: Reception. Your classic one-man operation.
Erin: Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries.
Andy: I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, how am I supposed to pull this off? The entire office is being nice to her than they've ever been to me. What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis' classic room clearing farts right now.

Quote from Darryl

Dwight K. Schrute: Ready? What do you think?
Darryl: Um, no. No, this is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.

Quote from Andy

Susan: So what happens next?
Andy: We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. [phone rings] Hang on. [answers phone] Hello?
Robert: [on the phone] Say "Hello, grandma."
Andy: Hi gam-gam.
Robert: Hold one finger up to Susan. You'll just be a second. You numskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, "Are you taking your medicine?"
Andy: Are you taking your med-meds?
Robert: Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. [Andy and Robert both hang up]
Susan: You didn't say goodbye to your grandma.
Andy: We promised we'd never say goodbye.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Kelly?
Kelly: I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: That's okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Did you bring your passport with you?
Susan: Who walks around with their passport?
Toby: Well, I do. Always ready for adventure.
Susan: Have you had any?
Toby: No.

Quote from Kevin

Susan: Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don't have a computer.
Erin: Well, that's a sales desk.
Kevin: Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know.

Quote from Jim

Jim: No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.

Quote from Darryl

Dwight K. Schrute: What do you think you're doing?
Darryl: Getting my sweat on.
Dwight K. Schrute: I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds?
Darryl: I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill.
Dwight K. Schrute: I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?
Darryl: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Eight minutes!
Darryl: Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James!
Darryl: It's Lejon Brames.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's what I said.
Darryl: You know, get it right.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It's gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest.
Susan: Andy?
Andy: Yes?
Susan: Why do you keep looking at my husband?
Robert: Andy, just answer the question.
Andy: No games?
Robert: No games.
Andy: Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, "in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen." [laughs]
Robert: You lying son of a bitch!

Quote from Creed

[As Jim climbs up onto the roof, Creed is flying a drone]
Jim: [on the roof] Creed, I was never here, all right?
Creed: Okay. What about your friend?
Jim: Oh boy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh?
Darryl: This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!
Darryl: Dwight, come back and spot me.
Dwight K. Schrute: All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?
Darryl: To push this bar up.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal?
Darryl: Help me!
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you want!?!
Darryl: To look good for Val!
Dwight K. Schrute: Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow! I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.

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