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35Quotes from ‘Mrs. California’

The Office: Mrs. California

809. Mrs. California

Aired December 1, 2011

Andy is put in a difficult position when Robert brings his wife, Susan, in for a job interview, while urging Andy not to hire her. Meanwhile, Dwight sets up a gym in the building.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I've been meaning to join a gym for my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay president. Or a supermodel president. I want to see all the different kinds of presidents.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster. It takes more freon to keep them cool. They flush the toilets more often. Plus, their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You haven't even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke. Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station. You ever cut tin before?
Darryl: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus, I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now, let's go over membership. I'm going to need the first month's and the last month's up front for $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
Darryl: You don't have to say it if you're doing it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [laughs] Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?
Darryl: Uh, weight lifting yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, today's your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building, Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?
Darryl: I'll take a look.
Dwight K. Schrute: Your path from obesity begins right here!

Quote from Andy

Andy: We will start here at Erinville.
Susan: Hi.
Erin: Hoo-hoo!
Andy: Reception. Your classic one-man operation.
Erin: Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries.
Andy: I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, how am I supposed to pull this off? The entire office is being nice to her than they've ever been to me. What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis' classic room clearing farts right now.

Quote from Darryl

Dwight K. Schrute: Ready? What do you think?
Darryl: Um, no. No, this is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.

Quote from Andy

Susan: So what happens next?
Andy: We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. [phone rings] Hang on. [answers phone] Hello?
Robert: [on the phone] Say "Hello, grandma."
Andy: Hi gam-gam.
Robert: Hold one finger up to Susan. You'll just be a second. You numskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, "Are you taking your medicine?"
Andy: Are you taking your med-meds?
Robert: Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. [Andy and Robert both hang up]
Susan: You didn't say goodbye to your grandma.
Andy: We promised we'd never say goodbye.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Kelly?
Kelly: I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: That's okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Did you bring your passport with you?
Susan: Who walks around with their passport?
Toby: Well, I do. Always ready for adventure.
Susan: Have you had any?
Toby: No.

Quote from Kevin

Susan: Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don't have a computer.
Erin: Well, that's a sales desk.
Kevin: Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know.

Quote from Jim

Jim: No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.

Quote from Darryl

Dwight K. Schrute: What do you think you're doing?
Darryl: Getting my sweat on.
Dwight K. Schrute: I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds?
Darryl: I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill.
Dwight K. Schrute: I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?
Darryl: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Eight minutes!
Darryl: Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James!
Darryl: It's Lejon Brames.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's what I said.
Darryl: You know, get it right.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It's gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest.
Susan: Andy?
Andy: Yes?
Susan: Why do you keep looking at my husband?
Robert: Andy, just answer the question.
Andy: No games?
Robert: No games.
Andy: Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, "in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen." [laughs]
Robert: You lying son of a bitch!

Quote from Creed

[As Jim climbs up onto the roof, Creed is flying a drone]
Jim: [on the roof] Creed, I was never here, all right?
Creed: Okay. What about your friend?
Jim: Oh boy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh?
Darryl: This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!
Darryl: Dwight, come back and spot me.
Dwight K. Schrute: All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?
Darryl: To push this bar up.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal?
Darryl: Help me!
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you want!?!
Darryl: To look good for Val!
Dwight K. Schrute: Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow! I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you're in a suicide cult.
Creed: No. No. No. You're way off on that one.
Oscar: Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just couldn't find the sweet spot.
Jim: Hey, guys, let's just all admit it, okay? Dwight's better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he's never, ever gonna go back on it right?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's right, Jim.

Quote from Jim

[Jim notices a stand poking out of Dwight's pants]
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!
Jim: Prank! [throws money from Dwight's wallet on the floor]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's real creative.
Jim: You know what, it's not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right?
Dwight K. Schrute: I could, but I just don't feel like it loser.
Jim: Because you're sitting?
Dwight K. Schrute: Standing.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't!
Jim: Because you're sitting?
Dwight K. Schrute: Standing.
Jim: You know I have to do this.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know. [knocks Dwight over]

Quote from Andy

Andy: [signing his name] Andrew... Baines... Bernard.
Jim: I think you could just do Andy Bernard.
Andy: Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it's like, "Oh, I'm taking a test, but I know the answers."

Quote from Robert

Robert: [banging on the window] In four seconds, my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she can work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: That's why my foundation, The Dream for a Wish Foundation, is going to put them out of business. They're not going to know what hit them.

Quote from Ryan

Susan: Well it was really nice to meet you, Brian.
Ryan: Uh, it's actually Ryan.
Susan: Oh, Ryan.
[aside to camera:]
Ryan: Bitttch!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Okay, uh, next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy, our resident truth teller. [Jim laughs nervously] Alright have at it. Let ‘er rip. What do you hate about this place?
Jim: Well, it's sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection.
Dwight K. Schrute: Maybe you do. Hi. I'm Dwight. Sales is really not so hard, okay? It's paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.
Andy: Jim?
Jim: Well, it's not that easy. It's kind of sometimes difficult.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's the second easiest job in the world. [to camera] Being a mom.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Susan: I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is true.
Andy: You know, if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head, Mr. Dwight Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's me.
Andy: Dwight, why don't you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals.
Dwight K. Schrute: Maybe over a beer after she's closed her first sale.
Susan: Well, make that a red wine and I'll tell you my animal rankings.

Quote from Robert

Susan: I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience with bookkeeping.
Andy: But, we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.
Susan: I would work in customer service. HR even.
Andy: Those are fully staffed as well.
Robert: Are you telling me that there's no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?
Andy: [laughing nervously] Yes.
Robert: I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.
Andy: Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-
Susan: Robert, this is very uncomfortable. Obviously, there's no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don't we just let it go.
Robert: No. Absolutely not. Andrew, there must be something you can do. There must be. Think.
Andy: Well, there are lots of considerations.
Robert: I would be eternally grateful. It's not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.
Andy: [nervous chuckle] Alright. Well then, welcome aboard.

Quote from Oscar

Dwight K. Schrute: Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion.
Oscar: All I need is another gym. As if I don't have enough drama.
Phyllis: We have a gym at home. It's called the bedroom.
Oscar: Who's spotting who? Don't use the bike in the corner. That's Bruce's. Jeremy says...
Angela: Enough, Oscar, enough.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: Hey, uh, guys. So, Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away.
Oscar: Andy, if he didn't want her working here then why did you hire her?
Andy: Oscar, it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her.
Kevin: How can we do that? She's simply wonderful.

Quote from Erin

Oscar: How mean are we talking about?
Andy: It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin, you're up. Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable.
Erin: Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her.

Quote from Robert

Susan: I get it. Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife. Of course, she was married to Robert.

Quote from Robert

Susan: Your employees don't seem to be taking to me.
Robert: Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We'll fix this.
Andy: [in robot voice] What is going on?
Robert: [chuckles] Please. Andrew, my wife has brought up an issue that requires your attention. So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Okey-dokey, artichokey. You hate it, don't you?
Susan: Do you not want me here?
Andy: Why would you say that?
Susan: It's okay. I understand. I'm not sure how I would feel about having the boss' wife work for me either.
Andy: It's not that, exactly.
Susan: But it is something.
Andy: Let's just say that if you don't want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that.
Susan: Why would you not want me working here?
Andy: I don't know. [chuckles]
Susan: I think I understand what you're going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he?
Andy: Yes! The dude is an enigma.
Susan: Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this, isn't he?
Andy: Ah... [stammers]
Susan: Got it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked.
Darryl: Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say.
Dwight K. Schrute: First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor.
Darryl: Okay, I'm not doing that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!
Gabe: I didn't know Darryl joined.
Darryl: Looks that way.
Gabe: Nice pelvic bowl. Deep.

Quote from Jim

Susan: Answer the question, please.
Jim: [sighs] I don't know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking.

Quote from Andy

Susan: Andy.
Andy: Hey, Mrs. California.
Susan: Hey. Uh, I'm sorry about the position you were put in today.
Andy: You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me.
Susan: Yeah, I thought we really hit it off.
Andy: Yeah.
Susan: Well, different circumstances.
Andy: Yeah.
Susan: Who knows?
Andy: Who knows?
Susan: Maybe after all this settles down...
Andy: Totally.
Susan: It's a date.
Andy: Hmm?


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