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41Quotes from ‘Branch Wars’

The Office: Branch Wars

410. Branch Wars

Aired November 1, 2007

Michael is offended when Karen tries to poach Stanley for the Utica branch. Jim gets dragged into an awkward situation when Michael and Dwight decide to do a "panty raid" on Karen's office. Meanwhile, Andy is annoyed that Pam, Oscar and Toby won't let him join their "Finer Things Club".

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: How can I get you to stay?
Stanley: Money.
Michael Scott: Yeah, we all want money. But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving.
Stanley: Money.
Michael Scott: Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this: If I were-
Stanley: Money.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Michael, a word?
Michael Scott: Of course.
Stanley: I changed my mind, I wanna keep this job.
Michael Scott: Really?
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I wasn't really planning on leaving, all I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? [laughing] Sometimes I say crazy things.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [in an Irish accent] Angela's Ashes, top o' the morning to us. Frankie's prose is funnier than a pot of gold, say I.
Oscar: Okay. Did you get it out of your system?
Jim: Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. I thought was a fun read.
Toby: Fun? Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Toby: What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?
Jim: No, that wasn't fun.
Toby: Did you even read it?
Jim: Of course I read it.
Oscar: How does it end?
Toby: Who was the main character?
Jim: Angela. Nope. The ashes.

Quote from Karen

Karen: I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.

Quote from Karen

Karen: I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform felt pretty good.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Besides having sex with men, I would say that the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

Quote from Andy

Andy: The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my back up, and Kevin's band is my safety.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is perfect!
Dwight K. Schrute: He looks like your twin.
Michael Scott: This is a dummy, a la "Ferris Bueller's Day Off". We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring. Now, nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone.
Dwight K. Schrute: I will know.
Michael Scott: But you will not tell anyone.
Dwight K. Schrute: I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Yes? Oh good, good Stanley! First victim. This is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We're going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?
Stanley: I don't understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here.
Michael Scott: Just go out, and come back in.
Stanley: I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, everyone, can I have your attention, please? I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us, because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there.
[All applaud]
Michael Scott: No, no, no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.
Jim: Oh, I don't think that is what's happening.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, smarty pants, then why? Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?
Stanley: I think it's because of my sales record.
Michael Scott: That could not possibly be it.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive.

Quote from Pam

Jim: So tell me again why I can't be part of your club.
Pam: Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.
Jim: Oscar?
Pam: Some people.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: I have Ben Nugent on the line, he is the top salesman in Utica.
Michael Scott: [on the phone] Hi Ben, Michael Scott.
Ben: Hi, Michael.
Michael Scott: I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you 3 wishes: To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.
Ben: Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?
Michael Scott: [to Pam] Get out. [on the phone] Yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby.
Ben: Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?
Michael Scott: No, I fired them, and you're next. So what do you say?
Ben: Seriously?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool fun branch. We're like Animal House.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Found him!
Michael Scott: Jim, we're getting crapped on. Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it.
Jim: So what are you going to do?
Michael Scott: What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale, that's what we're going to do. Corcroan dropped Staples.
Jim: Did they?
Michael Scott: Yes they did. Oh, yes they did. And we are going to murder it. You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this sale. We're going to prove- What the hell is that music?
Pam: It's Vivaldi, for Finer Things.
Michael Scott: That's the problem. That's the problem. We need rock n' roll, Pam, rock n' roll. All right? [Michael runs into Toby, who is holding fine china and wearing a bow-tie] Oh, my God. That's why people are leaving. I- I have no words.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas. It's going to be so badass!
Jim: Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this in the trunk the whole time?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What is that? That sound- The air-conditioning leaking or something?
Jim: That doesn't make sense, couldn't be.
Michael Scott: What is that? Dwight, are you peeing?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm peeing in this empty can.
Jim: Oh my God!
Michael Scott: Come on, man. That is disgusting, Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go.
Jim: Michael, watch the road!
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, you're making me spray!
Michael Scott: I'll kill you, man!
Jim: Michael! Michael, pull over!
Michael Scott: That is just so disgusting!
Dwight K. Schrute: I think I cut my penis on the lid!

Quote from Phyllis

Oscar: And George, his youthfulness. His, um, freedom. Evokes, um, feelings- [shouting] What are you microwaving?
Phyllis: Popcorn.
Pam: Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis?
Phyllis: Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.

Quote from Andy

Andy: So, Stanley, are you really outta here?
Stanley: Yep, looks that way.
Andy: I'm gonna miss you, man. You've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [on walkie-talkie] We are in a stairwell. We are climbing some stairs. I'm breathing heavily.
Jim: Okay, you know what? You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well- There's a guy, there's a guy. There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof? Oh my God, that was very close. I can see the security guard's eyes.
Jim: No, no, don't do anything to them.
Dwight K. Schrute: I have to do something to his eyes.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: The eyes are the groin of the head.

Quote from Michael Scott

Karen: Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?
Dwight K. Schrute: Listen, lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen: I'm taking Stanley.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
Michael Scott: Dwight. [clears throat] Granted, maybe this was not the best idea but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go. Here is a box for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away, sweet little bird, fly away and be free.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad. [later:] Wanted: middle aged black man with sass. Big butt, bigger heart.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'm so sorry, Rolando told me everything. How humiliating. Would it help you to return to another age? A time of refinement, and civility.
Jim: Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club?
Andy: Oh! Oh, come on!

Quote from Pam

Pam: Oscar, did you bring it?
Oscar: To be Edwardian. His best work.
Pam: Okay, well I have the tablecloth, don't forget the flatware.
Oscar: Sure thing Pam, can't wait.

Quote from Michael Scott

Karen: [answering the phone] Hello?
Michael Scott: Fillipellers, how's it hanging?
Karen: Michael
Michael Scott: To the left? To the right?
Karen: Listen, I'm, I'm-
Michael Scott: Okay, enough small talk, go ahead.
Karen: You called me.
Ma:Yes, listen. You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this.
Karen: I'm pretty sure his family's coming with him.
Michael Scott: No, his work family. Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man. You may have Toby.
Karen: Toby's not a salesperson.
Michael Scott: You can train him. He's very very smart, and funny, and charming... You know, I can't do it, Toby is the worst. That was a bluff. Um. Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I'm going to poach one of yours.
Karen: Ooh. Goodbye Michael.
Michael Scott: Okay, goodbye. Wait! Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople, please? Your best one?

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: We just passed the exit for Corcroan.
Michael Scott: What? What? We did?
Dwight K. Schrute: Surprise!
Michael Scott: Yes! Look at his face! Look at his face!
Jim: What are we doing?
Michael Scott: What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, gee, Jim, I don't know, I guess there's no sales call today.
Michael Scott: We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we're doing.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: We're going to Utica? I'm not going to Utica right now.
Michael Scott: Yes you are. Oh, buckle up Jim. We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.
Michael & Dwight: Utica! Utica!
Michael Scott: In your face.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Alright, you'll miss the best prank ever.
Jim: Alright. Wait, what are you planning on doing?
Michael Scott: Do you really wanna know?
Jim: Oh, God.
Michael Scott: Follow me, come here. Here's what we brought. We brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.
Dwight K. Schrute: Or real bombs.
Michael Scott: No, no, not real bombs.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, come on, it will be so badass.
Michael Scott: Maybe, maybe, I don't know.

Quote from Jim

Jim: So the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?
Jim: What?
Michael Scott: I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is awesome.
Jim: Okay, you know what? Why don't we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?
Michael Scott: Okay, I will start. "A." "Andy. My name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell-" Damn it! What do we sell? Um.
Jim: Doesn't matter.
Michael Scott: I'm trying to think of what we could sell.
Jim: Doesn't matter.

Quote from Andy

Oscar: Can you imagine a life where all you have to do is summer in the Italian countryside?
Toby: I know right? I just want to go, and look at art, and swim in the Adriatic.
Pam: And spend time with George Emerson. That's what I would do. I mean it's the best male protagonist we've read, right?
Andy: Totally, I mean, come on, such a free spirit.
Oscar: What are you doing?
Andy: Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious.
Pam: I'm sorry, Andy, but this is a closed club.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Fine. I'll just sit here, in the common area, and read my book. Which just happens to be the very same book you're reading.
Toby: Alright, just know that you're not in the Finer Things Club.
Andy: Why can't I be in the club?

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: I can't believe we're here, I can't believe this is happening.
Dwight K. Schrute: Believe it.
Michael Scott: Afro wig, do you want the afro wig?
Jim: No, Michael. I'm not leaving the car.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Alright, Dwight, here's how it's going to go down. You and I- Guy's going by. You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. Then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place.
Dwight K. Schrute: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk.
Jim: No, no, you won't do that. Nope.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then I will grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Jim: Dwight, nothing with the eyes, please?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, Jim.

Quote from Pam

[Kevin is slowly putting money in the vending machine during The Finger Things meeting]
Pam: I think it's interesting how Forster uses Italy to represent sexuality and passion. And that also brought up themes of, uh, you know, fate and coincidence. And Lucy's torn between these two things. She's torn between passion and convention.
Kevin: Damn it! [banging the vending machine]
Pam: To be making a case for passion in Edwardian times, I thought was, uh-
Kevin: Yes! Damn it!
Pam: Maybe sort of ahead of his time as a writer.
Oscar: Very brave. [Phyllis starts using the microwave]
Pam: Very brave choice, I thought also.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: [on walkie-talkie] Alright, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.
Michael Scott: We found something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.
Jim: Isn't that thing huge?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.
Jim: No, that is a terrible idea, don't do this.
[Screaming and a crashing sound is heard across the walkie-talkie]
Dwight K. Schrute: My hip bone!
Michael Scott: We're wedged between the copier and the railing. Ow, my leg! Jim, leave us. Save yourself!
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim!
Jim: First of all, stop using my name. And second of all-Damn it guys!

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: [on walkie-talkie] Oh my God, oh my God, Karen is back!
Dwight K. Schrute: Did you say Karen?
Michael Scott: Take her to a motel, make love to her, Jim.
Jim: No, I'm not doing that.
Michael Scott: Just say you wanna get back together.
Jim: No, I'm not doing that!
Michael Scott: It doesn't have to mean anything. Just do it for Stanley. Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something. Host the Dundies.

Quote from Jim

Karen: What are you doing here?
Jim: First of all, hi.
Karen: What are you doing here?
Jim: You good? I'm just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so-
Dwight K. Schrute: [on walkie-talkie] Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.
Jim: Copy that.

Quote from Karen

Karen: Jim, hang on a second? So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh?
Jim: Yeah, trying to quit though.
Karen: If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult.
Jim: Oh no, I didn't want to see you. Not that I'm not happy to be seeing you right now, I'm just saying ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal, I'd say it was equal. So, good to see you. I mean, it's just that- You know, Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn't want to see you.
Karen: Oh, things are going really well? Are they? They are? That's great, that's so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam. Can you tell me more about that? Thank you so much for coming to Utica, and breaking my copier, and telling me how well things are going in your relationship, really, thank you.
Jim: Alright. You are welcome. I'm going to go because of the... traffic.
Karen: Traffic, yeah. Oh, def- go, go because of traffic, definitely, beat-beat the traffic.
Jim: I will.


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