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45Quotes from ‘Ben Franklin’

The Office: Ben Franklin

315. Ben Franklin

Aired February 1, 2007

Michael arranges bachelor/bachelorette parties for Phyllis and Bob Vance at the office. While Michael goes the traditional route and hires a stripper, Jim arranges for a Ben Franklin impersonator to visit the women.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yesterday, I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an "epiphery". Life is precious. And if I die, I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello, everyone. As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. So get your suits to the dry cleaners and get your hair did. And Karen, you might wanna invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It's my job to insure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Prima nocta, I believe, from the movie Braveheart and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
[later:]
Michael Scott: I'm sorry, I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to. To jump-start a car, first, pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then, you take these and clip them wherever. Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.
Pam: What?
Michael Scott: We will demonstrate on Pam.
Pam: No.
Michael Scott: And-
Pam: No.
Michael Scott: Come on. [removing a bra from Dwight] You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ow!
Michael Scott: Well, you get the picture. Thanks, Pam. And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What if he's a murderer?
Michael Scott: He's not gonna be a murderer.
Dwight K. Schrute: Maybe that's how you die?
Michael Scott: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this or no?
Dwight K. Schrute: I wanna do this.
Michael Scott: Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-
Dwight K. Schrute: Action.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Care for a piece of chocolate?
Ben Franklin: Chocolate? Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon, but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is the king of Austria?
Ben Franklin: Joseph II.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is the king of Prussia?
Ben Franklin: Friedrich Wilhelm III.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is the king of England?
Ben Franklin: Why, the tyrant, King George, of course!

Quote from Jim

Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And, Elizabeth, the stripper, gave me great advice which rhymed. It really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become President, but someone like Elizabeth can't.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello, son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a-
Dwight K. Schrute: How do you know it's gonna be a boy?
Michael Scott: How- Would you stop interrupting, please?

Quote from Pam

Pam: Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business. But I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.

Quote from Meredith

Michael Scott: Okay, co-ed naked strippers in this office, for realsies.
Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: Shut up, Angela!

Quote from Pam

Pam: Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.
Jim: No, I'm sure you're right.
Pam: When I get eight hours compared to like, six hours, it's like, big difference.
Jim: Really?
Pam: Oh, yeah. You've got to get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping better than not.
Jim: Good advice, Beesly. Thanks. See you out there?
Pam: Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk! Oh, my God.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. No, tats. Of course, I want-
Jim: Stop. That's disgusting.
Dwight K. Schrute: Leave me alone and get the male stripper.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin or SpongeBob SquarePants.
Michael Scott: SquarePants?
Jim: Yep, SpongeBob SquarePants.
Michael Scott: And you think that'd be sexy?

Quote from Michael Scott

Ben Franklin: Hold the door, please! Thank you.
Michael Scott: Hello.
Ben Franklin: Hello.
Michael Scott: You wearing a thong?
Ben Franklin: What?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello, ladies. Who, here, is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy, Mr. Benjamin Franklin!
Ben Franklin: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott! And good afternoon, fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott: Half pants, right, Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Knickers, in fact. Yes.
Michael Scott: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was President.
Michael Scott: Yes, but Ben Franklin was.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases.
Jim: Yeah, me neither.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Elizabeth: Hi. I'm Elizabeth. I'm the dancer that was requested.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. I specifically ordered a stripper.
Elizabeth: I'm the stripper.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, okay. Good. Well, in the future, please identify yourself as such.

Quote from Pam

Ben Franklin: It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight-
Karen: Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Yes.
Karen: Do you have a girlfriend?
Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah.
Pam: But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like, a lot of them?
Ben Franklin: Uh. Well, that is a gray area of my life. Okay? So it was a warm June evening...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors.
Ryan: Is it the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael Scott: No. Yes, but I got all the foot off of it.
Ryan: Oh, gross.

Quote from Pam

Karen: Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem in his mouth!
Ben Franklin: Well, that is because I am a Renaissance man.
Pam: Ben Franklin? Do you wear boxers, briefs or pantaloons?
Ben Franklin: [laughing] Well, you're very saucy.

Quote from Pam

Karen: So I guess, you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, "How can I put this to practical use?"
Pam: Well, I'd like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator, and he really pressured him into it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You smell nice, like Tide.
Elizabeth: What's that?
Michael Scott: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it.
Elizabeth: You want me to answer phones with my clothes on?
Dwight K. Schrute: We hired you for three hours' work, and we're gonna get it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um. Should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth: "Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone."
Michael Scott: Wow. Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: [on the phone] Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you- Are you okay?
Michael Scott: Not really. Look, I don't know how to say this, so I just will.
Jan: Okay.
Michael Scott: I, um, went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.
Jan: Uh, when- When did- When, last night?
Michael Scott: No, today at work.
Jan: You went to a bachelor party at work?
Michael Scott: Yes, I kind of arranged it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Are you near-sighted or far-sighted?
Ben Franklin: Both. That's why I invented the bifocals.
Dwight K. Schrute: Argh!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes, which won't be hard, because it's gonna be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What's up, spinsters?
Angela: Nothing. You know, this is a luncheon shower. Girls only.
Michael Scott: No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse from 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guys' night out. A G.N.O. If you will. A gno. Actually, it's more of a guys' afternoon in. A G.A.I. A gay. Not- Not- It's not gay. It's just a- It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.

Quote from Karen

Karen: I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks, but we had some really good talks and, actually now, I think that we're better than ever.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and every night for the last five nights.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It's gonna be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're gonna be grilling up some steaks. Got some pie, going to be very delicious.
Todd: And what kind of stripper did you get?
Michael Scott: I did not order a stripper.
Todd: What do you mean you didn't order a stripper? You ever even been to a bachelor party?
Michael Scott: Um. Um. Not personally, no.

Quote from Todd

Michael Scott: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual harassment.
Todd: Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out. Like, you know, separate but equal.
Michael Scott: So that's what that means.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling.

Quote from Michael Scott

Ben Franklin: I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the Founding Fathers...
Michael Scott: Hmm! And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow-chick-a-bow.
Meredith: Wait. This is the entertainment?
Michael Scott: Yeah, all right, so, I want you to give him your undivided attention. And Mr. Franklin. If any of these ladies misbehave, I give you permission to spank them, especially that one.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
Dwight K. Schrute: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael Scott: Well, then, my man meat he shall have. There you go. Deliciosity.

Quote from Pam

Karen: Hey, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys.
Pam: What do you mean?
Karen: Well, that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine. It's not a big deal, it's just a kiss. But you're not still interested in him?
Pam: Oh, yeah.
Karen: Really?
Pam: Oh, no! I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together.
Karen: Okay.
Pam: And I'm not into Jim.

Quote from Roy

Roy: I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy, the art.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what? Okay. Excuse me. This is sick, please. Stop it, stop it. Turn off the music, because this is wrong. This is wrong! This is wrong. I have a girlfriend. I- And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something, so let's just clear out, okay? Shame on you. Go back to work!

Quote from Angela

Elizabeth: Ooh, I love your poster.
Angela: Thank you.

Quote from Pam

Ben Franklin You know, I invented electricity.
Pam: I know.
Ben Franklin Well, I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?
Ben Franklin Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon.
Pam: Oh.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: On one hand, I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth. On the other hand, I'm afraid she's gonna dump me.
Ben Franklin You know, Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son.
Michael Scott: Really?
Ben Franklin But I kept all this from my wife, Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex.
Michael Scott: Wow. Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleazebag.

Quote from Pam

Elizabeth: Oh, my God, I would get so fat if I worked here.
Pam: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.
Elizabeth: You could strip, you know.
Pam: Thanks.

Quote from Jan

Michael Scott: [on the phone] So you don't want to end our relationship?
Jan: I'm closer to firing you.
Michael Scott: That is so sweet.

Quote from Todd

Todd: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. "Hey, everybody, it's me, Jim." Hello, hello. Todd Packer.
Karen: Karen Filippelli, Jim's girlfriend.
Todd: Shut up!
Karen: Yep.
Todd: Shut it!
Karen: That's rude.
Todd: Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight.


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