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35Quotes from ‘Couples Discount’

The Office: Couples Discount

915. Couples Discount

Aired February 7, 2013

On Valentine's Day, the Dunder Mifflin staff visit the local mall to get a couples' discount at a nail salon. Andy is not in anybody's good-book when he returns from his three month trip. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam have lunch with Brian, the documentary sound guy who defender her.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf.

Quote from Meredith

Nellie: I'm not going to rat on him. No, Andy gave me a second chance. So, the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him. Meredith, why don't you?
Meredith: Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover?
Erin: Hey!
Pete: Meredith, that's plenty. All right? That's more than plenty. Why does no one stop her?

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now, Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's goodbye chunky, lemon milk.

Quote from Darryl

Oscar: Hi. We'd like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages.
Manager: No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.
Oscar: We are together. Romantically.
Manager: Two men? [speaks to nail technician in Korean, both laugh; shows index fingers bumping together] Doesn't work. No discount.
Darryl: Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes and no kids. And we're taking our business elsewhere. [Oscar and Darryl walk out holding hands]

Quote from Clark

Dwight K. Schrute: Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.
Clark: [emotional] Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I really like Andy these days. He's pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I am really, really bad at break ups. Technically, I'm still dating my first grade boyfriend. I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And, I forgot to get him something.

Quote from Stanley

Phyllis: Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your [to Nellie] boyfriend. But, I mean, if you don't have one of those you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.
Stanley: Phyl, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.
Phyllis: Oh.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey. I feel so lucky we're in the same city for Valentine's Day.
Jim: It's like magic. Or, it's like me getting on my hands and knees and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday.
Pam: Alakazam!
Jim: By the way, they do need an extra day next week.
Pam: And, poof! He disappears.

Quote from Pete

Pete: Erin says she's gonna break up with Andy, but I'm not sure. He's coming back tomorrow and surprise, today, she wants to do whatever I'd like. You know, when I was a kid, we had a dog who go real sick and we had to "send him to a farm". And on his last day, we did everything he loved.
[cut to:]
Erin: Wanna play catch in the parking lot?
Pete: Sure.

Quote from Meredith

Kevin: OK, I'll say it. I wish Andy had stayed on his trip.
Nellie: I say we all have one last fun, boss-less day.
Meredith: Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out. No consequences.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Oh, hey, don't fill up on chocolates. I made us a lunch reservation at State Street Grill.
Jim: Oh my god. That's so romantic.
Pam: It's with Brian and Alyssa.
Jim: Oh my god. That's less romantic.
Pam: I know. But we should go. We need to thank him for, you know, saving my life.
Jim: Yeah, yeah. No, totally. That's good. So, should we just get a bottle of wine later and celebrate?
Pam: That sounds nice.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I'm very excited to see Brian. Brian's a great guy. And Pam and I have gotten really close to he and his wife, Alyssa over the years. And he got fired for protecting my wife from a jerk in the warehouse. I'm sorry, but you know him. He's a good guy.

Quote from Nellie

Nail technician: You take off your glasses.
Clark: 'kay. [removes glasses; nail technician giggles]
Nellie: What?
Nail technician: Your boyfriend, he look like a pretty girl.
Nellie: My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl, doesn't he? Yes, a very little pretty girl. And you know what, now that you are developing, we should go and get you a training bra. [both laugh at Clark]
Clark: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You know what? No more discount. [to manager] Excuse me. [gesturing he and Nellie] Full price. We're not together.
Nellie: Oh, come on!
Clark: She's living a lie.
[aside to camera:]
Nellie: Turns out, I can't even be in a pretend relationship.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [to unkempt Andy] Hey, Burning Man, if it's not selling out too much, you might want to throw on a tie. David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky, lemon milk. Who needs him, right?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: [whispering] We had to let a warehouse guy go?!
Kevin: You know Pam's mural? Well, Frank-
Dwight K. Schrute: Lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.
Andy: What?!
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Andy: There was a fire in the warehouse?
Dwight K. Schrute: The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.
Kevin: Whoa.

Quote from Clark

Andy: This is what I'm talking about. This would be good to know. All right, what else?
Phyllis: We started selling balloons.
Andy: What?!
Clark: Yeah. And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on as the official spokes-babe of Dunder-Mifflin.
Andy: No kidding?
Clark: Yeah. In the European billboards, she's gonna be topless.
Andy: Wow. Go Kathy. She's like 50.
Clark: They're tasteful.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank god, right? We needed the income after the fire.
David: What fire?
Andy: The warehouse fire. Weren't you just down there? It's like burnt to ashes.
David: It looked fine to me.
Andy: ... I am speaking metaphorically, of course. You know I have lots of irons in quote-unquote fire. Well, that's one of them. You know, making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire.
David: Okay.
Andy: I think you'll agree I explained that pretty well.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I really wanna have fun today because tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. Andy's coming back from his stupid, dumb boat trip. He's been rude. He's been selfish. I think he's a big jerk. And I'm breaking up with him. Bam, Andy! How do you like me now?... I hope as a friend.

Quote from Angela

Angela: They have a nail salon there where I get my feet detailed. They use a watch repair kit.
Kevin: Ooh, I'll be your foot buddy.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: Everyone, it is our last day here with no manager. I say we go to the mini mall. Clark, you will be my fake boyfriend so I can get the discount.
Clark: It's what I do.

Quote from Darryl

Oscar: Darryl, everyone seems to be pairing off. Do you want to pretend to be a couple so we get the...
Darryl: No. Yes, yes. Why wouldn't I... wanna pretend to be gay? Got no problem with that.
Oscar: All right, it'll be easy. Don't be nervous, just follow my-
Darryl: Stop talking 'bout it. I said I'm fine with it.

Quote from Pam

Brian: It's, uh, great to see you guys. Thanks for coming.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Are you kidding? Thank you, man. I mean, I've wanted the opportunity to say thanks for... everything. And I'm really sorry about the job. That just seems crazy.
Brian: It's fine. What are you gonna do, you know? But, if you guys know of any work, I'm fully available.
Pam: Well, my dad can't hear a thing. You could boom his whole life for him.
Brian:That's... Okay, great. Does he pay well?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [to Andy's empty chair] I have yet another sales order for you to sign. [as Andy] Why thank you, Mr. Schrute. I don't know how you do it. You're a god. Rick-a-dick-dick-doo.
Andy: Hi, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're back. And you're disgusting.

Quote from Andy

Phyllis: Ah, geez. My nails aren't dry yet. I don't think I can work for at least a couple hours.
Andy: Well, well, well, look who it is.
Phyllis: Andy.
Andy: I guess I can cancel my order from Zappos.com because, oh, the loafers have arrived.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'm also excited about the Wallace meeting.
Clark: Why? Isn't he just coming in to rip you a new one for being gone three months?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Please. Come on, Clark. Wallace knows that he's been gone for the last three months. ... Right? Wallace does know that you've been gone for the last three months?
Andy: I have no idea. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know. But we've been in touch the whole time. I mean, it's not hard to get high-speed internet in Turks and Caicos, people. It's in every Bembe cafe.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Question. Where's Jim?
Phyllis: He and Pam are having their Valentine's Day lunch.
Andy: For two hours? Really?
Oscar: So, you're concerned about people's long absence from their place of work?
Andy: If the shoe fits.

Quote from Pam

Brian: We were telling two different versions of the same story. And then, everything just went numb.
Jim: Well, I mean, that's OK. It doesn't mean that it's over. Right? I mean, couples fight.
Brian: Yeah. That's the thing. When we were fighting, it weirdly felt like the relationship was still alive. And, it wasn't until we stopped fighting that, we realized that it was over. You know, it's over. [breaking down] I'm sorry, this is... oh my god, OK. [to Pam] We have to stop seeing each other like this. We have to find a different way to communicate other than breaking down in front of each other.
Pam: ... Yeah.
Jim: What?
Brian: At least my crying won't get you fired.
Jim: Crying?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jan: [answering phone] Hello?
Andy: Hey, Jan. Nard dog here.
Jan: Ugh, Andy.
Andy: I was just looking over the paperwork. I found a little hiccup.
Jan: Really?
Andy: Yeah. It appears my employee offered you a price that he was not authorized to.
Jan: Hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: [whispers] Coolio.
Jan: Seriously? You're calling me a few weeks after finalizing our contract to gouge me now for more money? Is that what you're doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Coolio. Coolio.
Andy: No. No, no, no Jan I think you misunderstood.
Jan: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Coolio.
Andy: It -It's- It's actually just an issue...
Jan: You know what? You know what, uh, Nard dog? There is an option in the contract that allows me to back out within 30 days of signing. So, I would like to exercise that option.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Jan! Please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything.

Quote from Oscar

Andy: Hey, everybody, great job. [to Angela] Listen, we're a smidge behind on my paychecks.
Angela: Yes, well, as you know, we get paid on Fridays. And you haven't been here for 12 Fridays.
Andy: All right. Thank you very much. Looking good. Who's that little fella?
Angela: It's a bonus check. For you. From Wallace. Because the branch exceeded it's targets over the past quarter.
Andy: Wow, that's wonderful!
Oscar: A quarter's three months. That's how long you've been gone.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Okay, I can tell you're mad at me. Do you wanna just, um, I don't know, tell me why?
Jim: I don't know. I thought that was a little weird. You told me Brian got fired for the whole warehouse thing. And you intentionally left out a kind of major, intimate detail. I don't know, Pam, I guess I just feel like a chump. Who knows less about his marriage than the sound guy.
Pam: I didn't tell you about the crying because I didn't want you to know how upset I was. Because it would've stressed you out and you're always saying how much you don't want more stress.
Jim: Yeah, well. Yeah, okay. Well, then thank you. Thanks to both of you.
Pam: It's not Brian's fault.
Jim: No, you're right. And, and I'm not mad at Brian. And to be honest, I probably don't have any reason to be mad at all because I wasn't there. So, let's just forget about it.
Pam: Okay.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Fish sounds great.
Andy: Yeah, I guess.
Erin: Really playing the scales, huh?

Quote from Andy

Erin: I don't love you anymore.
Andy: What?
Erin: I still like you, but you were gone a really long time. And, you didn't really email me all that much. You retweeted me, a lot to be fair. But I don't love you.
Andy: Okay, I get it. You're unhappy. I've been gone a long time and we lost a little bit of juju. But, you and me, we have a future. There is a lot of love here.
Erin: I just said there isn't love.
Andy: On your side. But there's tons on my side. It's gushing. We're just out of sync right now. But that's just timing, it's timing. I mean, my parents lasted 38, 40 years. They were never happy at the same time.
Erin: I guess.
Andy: I mean, what do we have left? 35, maybe 40 years? If we're lucky. I mean, I have spent a lot of time in the sun.
Erin: You got really sunburned.
Andy: I'm gonna be a prune in like, 3 years.
Erin: Ugh.
Andy: I know you may not be feeling love for me right now but, if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference. So, I'll feel good. And then, eventually, maybe, you'll actually start to love me again.
Erin: You really think we can get that back?
Andy: Yes. [hugs Erin] Come on. Totally.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I don't think you should go to Philly tonight. I think that you should stay and I think we should fight.
Jim: You really wanna fight on Valentine's Day?
Pam: Yeah, I do.
Jim: Okay. All right, put your dukes up, Beesly.

Quote from Erin

Erin: [storms into Andy's office] We're breaking up! And just so you know, I was worried that you were dead. You were gone for three months. [walks out]
David: [on the phone] Hey, Andy. It's David. Still here. What was that about three months?


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