Season 9, Episode 15 - Aired February 7, 2013
On Valentine's Day, the Dunder Mifflin staff visit the local mall to get a couples' discount at a nail salon. Andy is not in anybody's good-book when he returns from his three month trip. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam have lunch with Brian, the documentary sound guy who defender her.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Dwight K. Schrute: God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf.
Quote from Darryl
Oscar: Hi. We'd like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages.
Manager: No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.
Oscar: We are together. Romantically.
Manager: Two men? [speaks to nail technician in Korean, both laugh; shows index fingers bumping together] Doesn't work. No discount.
Darryl: Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes and no kids. And we're taking our business elsewhere. [Oscar and Darryl walk out holding hands]
Quote from Meredith
Nellie: I'm not going to rat on him. No, Andy gave me a second chance. So, the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him. Meredith, why don't you?
Meredith: Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover?
Pete: Meredith, that's plenty. All right? That's more than plenty. Why does no one stop her?
Quote from Kevin
Kevin: Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now, Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's goodbye chunky, lemon milk.
Quote from Clark
Dwight K. Schrute: Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.
Clark: [emotional] Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Dwight K. Schrute: I really like Andy these days. He's pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.
Quote from Erin
Erin: I am really, really bad at break ups. Technically, I'm still dating my first grade boyfriend. I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And, I forgot to get him something.
Quote from Stanley
Phyllis: Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your [to Nellie] boyfriend. But, I mean, if you don't have one of those you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.
Stanley: Phyl, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.
Quote from Pam
Pam: Hey. I feel so lucky we're in the same city for Valentine's Day.
Jim: It's like magic. Or, it's like me getting on my hands and knees and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday.
Jim: By the way, they do need an extra day next week.
Pam: And, poof! He disappears.
Quote from Pete
Pete: Erin says she's gonna break up with Andy, but I'm not sure. He's coming back tomorrow and surprise, today, she wants to do whatever I'd like. You know, when I was a kid, we had a dog who got real sick and we had to "send him to a farm". And on his last day, we did everything he loved.
Erin: Wanna play catch in the parking lot?