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‘Couples Discount’ Quotes

The Office: Couples Discount

915. Couples Discount

Aired February 7, 2013

On Valentine's Day, the Dunder Mifflin staff visit the local mall to get a couples' discount at a nail salon. Andy is not in anybody's good-book when he returns from his three month trip. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam have lunch with Brian, the documentary sound guy who defender her.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf.

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Quote from Meredith

Nellie: I'm not going to rat on him. No, Andy gave me a second chance. So, the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him. Meredith, why don't you?
Meredith: Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover?
Erin: Hey!
Pete: Meredith, that's plenty. All right? That's more than plenty. Why does no one stop her?

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now, Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's goodbye chunky, lemon milk.

Quote from Darryl

Oscar: Hi. We'd like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages.
Manager: No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.
Oscar: We are together. Romantically.
Manager: Two men? [speaks to nail technician in Korean, both laugh; shows index fingers bumping together] Doesn't work. No discount.
Darryl: Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes and no kids. And we're taking our business elsewhere. [Oscar and Darryl walk out holding hands]

Quote from Clark

Dwight K. Schrute: Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.
Clark: [emotional] Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I really like Andy these days. He's pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I am really, really bad at break ups. Technically, I'm still dating my first grade boyfriend. I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And, I forgot to get him something.

Quote from Stanley

Phyllis: Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your [to Nellie] boyfriend. But, I mean, if you don't have one of those you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.
Stanley: Phyl, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.
Phyllis: Oh.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey. I feel so lucky we're in the same city for Valentine's Day.
Jim: It's like magic. Or, it's like me getting on my hands and knees and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday.
Pam: Alakazam!
Jim: By the way, they do need an extra day next week.
Pam: And, poof! He disappears.

Quote from Pete

Pete: Erin says she's gonna break up with Andy, but I'm not sure. He's coming back tomorrow and surprise, today, she wants to do whatever I'd like. You know, when I was a kid, we had a dog who go real sick and we had to "send him to a farm". And on his last day, we did everything he loved.
[cut to:]
Erin: Wanna play catch in the parking lot?
Pete: Sure.

Quote from Meredith

Kevin: OK, I'll say it. I wish Andy had stayed on his trip.
Nellie: I say we all have one last fun, boss-less day.
Meredith: Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out. No consequences.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Oh, hey, don't fill up on chocolates. I made us a lunch reservation at State Street Grill.
Jim: Oh my god. That's so romantic.
Pam: It's with Brian and Alyssa.
Jim: Oh my god. That's less romantic.
Pam: I know. But we should go. We need to thank him for, you know, saving my life.
Jim: Yeah, yeah. No, totally. That's good. So, should we just get a bottle of wine later and celebrate?
Pam: That sounds nice.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I'm very excited to see Brian. Brian's a great guy. And Pam and I have gotten really close to he and his wife, Alyssa over the years. And he got fired for protecting my wife from a jerk in the warehouse. I'm sorry, but you know him. He's a good guy.

Quote from Nellie

Nail technician: You take off your glasses.
Clark: 'kay. [removes glasses; nail technician giggles]
Nellie: What?
Nail technician: Your boyfriend, he look like a pretty girl.
Nellie: My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl, doesn't he? Yes, a very little pretty girl. And you know what, now that you are developing, we should go and get you a training bra. [both laugh at Clark]
Clark: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You know what? No more discount. [to manager] Excuse me. [gesturing he and Nellie] Full price. We're not together.
Nellie: Oh, come on!
Clark: She's living a lie.
[aside to camera:]
Nellie: Turns out, I can't even be in a pretend relationship.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [to unkempt Andy] Hey, Burning Man, if it's not selling out too much, you might want to throw on a tie. David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky, lemon milk. Who needs him, right?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: [whispering] We had to let a warehouse guy go?!
Kevin: You know Pam's mural? Well, Frank-
Dwight K. Schrute: Lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.
Andy: What?!
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Andy: There was a fire in the warehouse?
Dwight K. Schrute: The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.
Kevin: Whoa.

Quote from Clark

Andy: This is what I'm talking about. This would be good to know. All right, what else?
Phyllis: We started selling balloons.
Andy: What?!
Clark: Yeah. And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on as the official spokes-babe of Dunder-Mifflin.
Andy: No kidding?
Clark: Yeah. In the European billboards, she's gonna be topless.
Andy: Wow. Go Kathy. She's like 50.
Clark: They're tasteful.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank god, right? We needed the income after the fire.
David: What fire?
Andy: The warehouse fire. Weren't you just down there? It's like burnt to ashes.
David: It looked fine to me.
Andy: ... I am speaking metaphorically, of course. You know I have lots of irons in quote-unquote fire. Well, that's one of them. You know, making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire.
David: Okay.
Andy: I think you'll agree I explained that pretty well.


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