Previous Episode Next Episode 

37Quotes from ‘Promos’

The Office: Promos

918. Promos

Aired April 4, 2013

The staff at Dunder Mifflin freak out as the first promos for the documentary series are released. Meanwhile, Dwight considers going halfsies on a tractor with his girlfriend's father.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: This is a documentary? Oh, I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo.

Quote from Meredith

Angela: There was much more secret filming than I expected. [laughs] But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am.
Oscar: Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage.
Meredith: I am a very private person. I show 'em when I wanna show 'em. Who wants a taste? [flashes camera] Boob sauce!

Quote from Stanley

Pam: Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much.
Stanley: [eating soft pretzel] We've all changed.

Quote from Kevin

Oscar: Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark.
Pam: Oh my god!
[After they watch the Danish promo:]
Kevin: What was that word they said when they showed me "Skrald mand"? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy?
Oscar: Dumpster Man.
Kevin: Cool. Superhero.

Quote from Andy

[After Dwight pours a bucket of cold water over Phyllis]
Phyllis: What the hell?!
Dwight K. Schrute: It's okay guys, she's no longer horny.
Andy: Excuse me, dirty birdie. [takes Phyllis's iPod]
Phyllis: Wait, what?
Andy: You can have this back at the end of the day.
[cut to Andy in his office listening to Phyllis's iPod as Dwight pours a bucket of cold water on him]

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Hurry Pam, I need to know how much hellfire is going to rain down on me.
Phyllis: I thought Terry knew about Cynthia?
Stanley: She does. But neither of them know about Lydia.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about, uh, um...
Clark: It's porn.
Pam: Yeah.

Quote from Meredith

Dwight K. Schrute: [Phyllis rocks her chair into his provocatively] Seriously. Ugh. Okay, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment.
Phyllis: Why?
Darryl: Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not okay to do this in public.
Pam: Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit.
Meredith: Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish.
Group: Ugh. Ew. God.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Phyllis is masturbating in the office right now as we speak.
Angela: Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her?
Toby: He- He can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it.
Group: Oh, no!
Oscar: Toby, how do you propose that we-
Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused?
Pam: She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.
Andy: Well there you go. That's muy caliente.

Quote from Clark

Dwight K. Schrute: Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles.
Clark: What's her name?
Dwight K. Schrute: Esther Bruegger.
Clark: Sweet.
Dwight K. Schrute: Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres.
Clark: Oh, yeah. Keep talkin'.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, we've been out three times. There has been physicality, but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me.
Clark: Oh.
Dwight K. Schrute: [laughs] What do you think?
Clark: The same thing that you think.
Dwight K. Schrute: A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship.
Clark: God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song?

Quote from Kevin

Oscar: There's a promo for the new documentary on the web.
Phyllis: Play it again.
Narrator: [on video] The boss. The workers. The lives. The loves. The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA.
Kevin: Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. "Banjo at 0:19 is aight" Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler?

Quote from Erin

Erin: Hey, Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper.

Quote from Angela

Angela: What about me? "Klokken tre pige"
Oscar: "Three PM Girl".
Angela: What? Why would they... Wait a second! Wait a second! What was that? [pauses on her and Dwight leaving the warehouse area where they've just had sex] Oh! I didn't know they were filming then!
Oscar: It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves.
Phyllis: Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didn't know it?
Angela: Oh my god. [All look at camera horrified]

Quote from Oscar

Erin: Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping?
Oscar: Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV!
Erin: Hey.
Angela: Oscar.
Oscar: I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you?

Quote from Nellie

Angela: I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk.
Stanley: Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea.
[in the warehouse:]
Oscar: Okay, everyone, turn off your mikes.
Angela: We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape?
Erin: I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that?
Nellie: My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more I thought I'd get more screen time as a villain.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: [on the phone] Hello, honey? I just spoke to the TV repair man and he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months. Something about the wiring.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me.
Clark: A Scranton nine, but, yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours, huh? I mean there are no games with fours.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy.
Clark: Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way.
Dwight K. Schrute: By hand. [Clarks looks to camera]

Quote from Angela

Angela: Dwight is dating a Brussels sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart!

Quote from Clark

Clark: Oh my god, is that you and Jim?
Pam: Uh huh.
Clark: Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? [laughs] Yikes. That is awful.
Pam: It wasn't so bad.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots.
Angela: I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did I tell you about her teeth?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, the Bruegger family. Welcome.
Mr. Bruegger: Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always.
Esther: Thank you.

Quote from Angela

Angela: I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that....thing.

Quote from Jim

Jim: With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number.
Darryl: And we all know, baseball does not last forever.
Ryan Howard: I look at these actors on TV and I think: "C'mon, I can do that."
Jim: Right? [laughs]
Ryan Howard: Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of?
Darryl: Subway sandwiches.
Jim: Yep.
Ryan Howard: How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext.
Jim: Wow.
Ryan Howard: I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called "The Big Piece"
Jim: Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical.
Ryan Howard: Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard-
Jim: Okay.
Ryan Howard: -hits a home run into outer space. Ball comes back with space dust on it, which transforms him into: The Big Piece.
Darryl: The space dust does it.
Jim: Space dust.
Darryl: Yeah.
Ryan Howard: I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together.
Jim: Sure, yeah. [laughs] Hollywood. Alright.
Darryl: Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert.
Ryan Howard: Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh.
Darryl: Hey, man. Darryl.
Ryan Howard: Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. [to camera] Eat Fresh.
Jim: Let's go to the conference room.

Quote from Toby

Kevin: Andy, are there documentary groupies?
Andy: Of course there are!
Kevin: Of course.
Toby: A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen-
Nellie: Oh, I don't care.

Quote from Andy

Andy: People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: "You guys are killing it!" I mean, we're internet sensations, guys!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh! Seven new comments. "The guy at 0:19 is hawt!" [typing] "Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!" [reading] "He's not hawt, he's gay." [typing] "Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again." [reading] "He is hawt!" See, thank you, that's more like it. "He is butt." Ah, damn it! I'm about to lose my freaking mind! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh!

Quote from Clark

Clark: Hey, can I talk to you for one second?
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Clark: One second.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Clark: One second.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate.
Clark: Don't do it. [takes Dwight's pen]
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Okay, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off.
Clark: Dude, we're being conned.
Dwight K. Schrute: Go on.
Clark: These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Clark: Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her.
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?
Clark: I don't even know what an auger is!
Dwight K. Schrute: No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is.

Quote from Angela

Angela: [as loud music plays to drown out their voices] Alright, how much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the senator?
Oscar: They caught us kissing on Halloween.
Angela: Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! [slaps Oscar]
Oscar: Oh!
Angela: God!
Oscar: Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy!
Angela: Oh! [slaps him again] Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career.
Oscar: Well, I don't like giving him bad news.
Angela: Call him!
Oscar: You call him!
Angela: Call him! [hits Oscar]
Oscar: Stop hitting me!
Angela: Call him! Call him!
Oscar: No!

Quote from Pam

Pam: Well, the promo for the documentary aired today.
Brian: Oh yeah, that's right.
Pam: Yeah. It's kinda crazy.
Brian: Yeah, it is.
Pam: See all this like old stuff, like um, there's that shot of Jim and I up on the roof?
Brian: Oh yeah, that was, that was a good moment.
Pam: Yeah, wasn't that neat?
Brian: Yeah, it was cool.
Pam: Yeah, and there's this one when we were listening to music and it's like, it's like we were in love and we didn't even know we were in love and it's... But, do you think Jim's changed?
Brian: Um...
Pam: I'm sorry. Did that- That was out of the blue-
Brian: No no, it's-
Pam: I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like he's- I just feel like he's so into his work right now and, I don't know, am I crazy?
Brian: No, you're not crazy.
Pam: Well, I wish that made me feel better.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Listen, so everybody saw the promos and they're kinda freaking out. [Brian laughs] 'cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera-
Brian: Yeah.
Pam: You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see. And they kinda want to know how much.
Brian: They want to know how much what?
Pam: How much stuff you got.
Brian: Pretty much everything.
Pam: Well yeah, but what if we turn off our mike packs?
Brian: They've got parabolic mikes, they can pick you up a hundred yards away, so...no if you were around there, they got you.
Pam: So we basically had no privacy for ten years.
Brian: That's not really true, I mean...
Pam: Um... Yeah, I gotta- I gotta go.
Brian: Oh no, hang on a second. Pam, I'm sorry, I- I- I can explain this so much better.
Pam: No, I think you explained it.
Brian: Look, if you give me a chance I can, I- [Pam leaves] Pam.

Quote from Jim

Jim: "Together we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh."
Ryan Howard: That'll pay for the exploding helicopter.
Jim: Smart.
Ryan Howard: "Suddenly, the evil thugs break in to the stadium. The Big Piece hits baseballs at the evil thugs."
Jim: "Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks."
Ryan Howard: Come on man, sell it!
Darryl: Yeah, Jim.
Jim: [louder] "Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!"
Ryan Howard: Yeah, that's better. A bunch of hot women go: "Oh, yeah!"
Jim: "Megan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you."
Ryan Howard: "They kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story."
Jim: Wow. I tell you what, it's really strong. I can't wait to read the rest of it later and see how it ends.
Darryl: It's so strong.
Ryan Howard: Keep reading then.
Jim: "Gotta go! Darth Vader's launching a huge attack."
Ryan Howard: Um, another thing. I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader.
Jim: I don't know how we'd go about doing that.
Darryl: We can look into it.
Jim: We'll look into it.
Ryan Howard: We need Darth.
Jim: We gotta get him.
Darryl: We'll go after Darth then.
Jim: We're gonna go get him.
Darryl: That's what we gotta do.
Jim: We're gonna get him.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Esther: Dwight, we need to talk.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther.
Esther: Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Esther: So you're going to be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles and he's pocketing a profit behind your back.
Dwight K. Schrute: That snake!
Esther: You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine.
Dwight K. Schrute: That shady grove out by Willard's pond.
Esther: Mmm-hm.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed?
Esther: Of course. [laughs] You didn't just think I was tractor bait, did you?
Dwight K. Schrute: [laughs] No!
Clark: Hey Dwight, what's an auger used for?
Dwight K. Schrute: Post hole digging. [points and laughs with Esther]
Esther: Stupid.

Quote from Angela

Senator: [on speaker phone] You've reached Senator Robert Lipton, please leave a message. [beep]
Angela & Oscar: Hi, honey!
Oscar: Oh you?
Angela: No, you go. Hi, honey!
Oscar: Hey. Hey, Robert!
Angela: It's Angela and Oscar.
Oscar: Hey.
Angela: Just a few quick things.
Oscar: Um, the documentary's going to be airing soon, and, and you look great in the promos.
Angela: Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential.
Oscar: Very much so.
Angela: Yeah.
Oscar: Absolutely.
Angela: Yeah!
Oscar: Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay.
Angela: Yes. And I cheated on you with Dwight. It looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it.
Oscar: I think that's it!
Angela: I think we're good.
Oscar: Done!
Angela: Bye!
Oscar: Okay.
Angela: Love you! [Oscar hangs up] God.

Quote from Nellie

Andy: [on video camera] Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out. [plays banjo; screen types out "you suck my nutz" from TexasPoonTappa, camera zooms out to reveal Nellie]
Nellie: Good night, Andy.
Andy: Huh? Yeah, see ya. [sees comment] Oh! What?! [starts crying]


 Episode 917 Episode 919