Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, maybe I'll never be manager, but I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say, it's the most pleasant I've ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis.

Stanley: So I just smiled and complimented her grand kids, and we closed it?
Dwight K. Schrute: You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn't even know it. I'll go tell Andy the good news. Oh. [chuckles] Silly me. Gotta take the stairs.
Stanley: Oh, no, I'm not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well- No, no, n-
Stanley: [stabs his own leg with a tranquilizer dart and falls to the ground]
Dwight K. Schrute: We need a winch and a hoist.

Dwight K. Schrute: For five years I've held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go. It's kind of painful, but it's also freeing in a way. Now it's all about my instincts.

Stanley: What the hell? No. This is not happening.
Erin: Didn't you get the memo? It's Stairmageddon! Come on, Stanley!
[aside to camera:]
Erin: Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, and he was really on top of it. Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign. The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically, for a day that hopefully comes once in a 100 years. It's a... "Mageddon!"

Erin: Come on. Come on, Stanley. Stay in it.
Stanley: I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they're making me climb stair mountain!
Erin: Come on.

Oscar: Our office has an unusually large number of... unusually large people. So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.

Andy: Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in.
Oscar: What?
Andy: I just got a text from my brother. ScrantonTimesTribune.com. There's a review of the documentary!
Phyllis: [gasps] What does it say?
Andy: I don't know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, "Red Alert."
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, the alert was already set to "Red" because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to "Double Red"?
Andy: I think we should.

Oscar: "The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scranton's own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!"
All: Whoo! [applause]
Nellie: "In this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. There's Kevin Malone, the Falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get."
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news...thing.

Nellie: "Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child/middle manager, whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy."
Phyllis: Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that's-.
Andy: It's okay. [chuckles] What the hell does he know?
Nellie: "A possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent."
Andy: I want you to print that out for me.
Nellie: I will.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb.

Erin: "Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values."
Nellie: Oh! Which public figure?
Erin: I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years.
Phyllis: No, I think they mean more like a politician.