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33Quotes from ‘Survivor Man’

The Office: Survivor Man

411. Survivor Man

Aired November 8, 2007

After Michael is left out of a company camping trip, he heads into the Pennsylvania wilderness to discover his "survivorman" side. Meanwhile, Jim is left in charge and struggles with the office politics of employee birthday parties.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace." Well, I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth and clothing and television and hamburgers and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air because I have the freshest air around: A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [turning monitor around to reveal desktop] I can also make it the sky.

Quote from Stanley

Meredith: What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday. So what if there's a lot of them.
Kevin: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
Stanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.
Oscar: Why don't you have an apple?
Stanley: Why don't you mind your business?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way. No, I do not.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, what did I miss?
Jim: Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Jim: So, terrible idea.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.
Jim: You did do it?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years, but-
Michael Scott: That's what I said. That's what she said!
Jim: That's what who says?
Michael Scott: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension when things sort of get hard.
Jim: That's what she said.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a "get to know you" weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Quote from Toby

Phyllis: Who went?
Toby: Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany, and Ryan obviously. We had so many s'mores I finally had to say, "no more s'mores, no more s'mores."
[aside to camera:]
Toby: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful-
Michael Scott: [tapping on the window] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point so just wrap it up.
Toby: Michael wasn't invited.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Oh, can't go today 'cause I'm donating blood.
Michael Scott: How often can you actually donate blood?
Jim: Is there a limit? I don't-
Michael Scott: Your body only has a certain amount.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: This is what a true survivorman does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You can only wear the clothes that you have on. And you can only use the stuff that you have in your pockets. Now in this case, this disaster is a serial killer, creepy guy who's abducted me, and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
Michael Scott: Well yes, I would and then I would survive.
Dwight K. Schrute: I would make sure that you were dead, believe me. Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you couldn't be identified. And they would call me the overkill killer.
Michael Scott: You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.

Quote from Jim

Jim: There are 13 people working in this office. So 13 times a year, Michael gets a cake and balloons and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. And there are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are. And the other is something inappropriate or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to Happy Birthday. And he is a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even arguably, possibly to a fault. So I think, yeah I think getting these out of the way might be productive.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Day one. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape in case I need to fashion a shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant which would make it about- Really beating down on me now. And I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. Okay. Oh, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my carotid artery here.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am totally alone right now with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm lovin' it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is going to hear me. [shouting] Wish I could've gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I havehemorrhoids! Doesn't even matter.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, it is a little chillier than I had thought so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, it's time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels. A nice, juicy rabbit would be delicious.

Quote from Jim

Phyllis: Hey, Michael- I mean Jim.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Yep, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Under this tree, I think I struck the motherload. Those are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say, these little buggers are damn tasty as well.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! No, Michael! No! [tackling Michael to the ground] Give 'em up!

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping- And you know what "hypothetical" means? Not real.
Jim: Got it.
Michael Scott: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?
Jim: Absolutely, yes.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.
[back:]
Michael Scott: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Do you wanna go today?
[to camera:]
Jim: And I am always busy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yeah, just this whole Toby camping thing. I don't know. It seems a little lame.
Jim: How so?
Michael Scott: A bunch of guys in a tent making s'mores?
Jim: What's that?
Michael Scott: Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. Here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself in the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys if your plans change.
Jim: Not gonna change.
Michael Scott: I want to do it myself. You know, I want to go and find out something about myself. I want to get out of here. All the cliques and the office politics, and fluorescent lights and the asbestos.
Jim: I thought we had that looked at.
Michael Scott: I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this place, Jim.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called Survivorman, and it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out into the middle of nowhere and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal or be overexposed.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, I will only need two things: a roll of duct tape and a knife.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm on it.
Michael Scott: Okay. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipt.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow and perhaps the next day.
Pam: Do you want me to ask where you're going?
Michael Scott: No.
Pam: Great.
Michael Scott: Dwight'll be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness, where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.
Jim: No. The choice is actually yours.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Are you sure you wanna do this?
Michael Scott: Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.
Jim: Okay, great.
Michael Scott: This is a very personal, private experience in the wild that I wish to share - with me, myself, and I.
Jim: Yep.
Michael Scott: When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.
Jim: That'd be great.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.

Quote from Creed

Creed: I hate devil's food.
Jim: I think Meredith-
Creed: Screw Meredith. I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.
Jim: Everybody's birthday.
Creed: Today is actually my birthday and I wanna pick the cake.
Jim: What you want?
Creed: I want pie. I want peach pie.
Jim: You want a birthday pie?
Creed: I want a nice cobbler.
Jim: I'm gonna talk to Angela to see what we can do.
Creed: I don't care who you talk to, just make it happen.
Jim: It'll be Angela.
Creed: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support. But I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There we go. Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts. I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. See this is a beautiful piece of material. This could be used for all sorts of things. Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Tuna.
Jim: Andy.
Andy: Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? "Fudgey the whale."
Jim: Not your birthday.
Andy: Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a fudgey the whale.
Jim: All right. I'll look into it. But the answer's no.
Andy: Wow, okay. Harsh. Just don't expect me to show up.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. But I hope he finds it. [picking up a bird's nest full of eggs] Lunch.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have made this spear with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. Starting to feel it a little bit. It's Creed's birthday today. [singing] Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday dear Cre-ed Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, buddy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, if you take a look at this I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy may be Dunder Mifflin paper someday.

Quote from Toby

Toby: My birthday was two months ago.
Jim: Oh, okay.
Toby: There was no party.
Jim: What?
Toby: Well, there was, but Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.
Jim: Mmm, I remember that.
Toby: I don't know. I just thought, maybe you could include me.
Jim: Seriously?
Toby: I just thought you could add me in. I don't know what the harm in that is.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Toby's great. He's great. But sometimes he can be a little bit much. "I don't see the harm in that." Well it's a cake, Toby. So, come on.

Quote from Andy

Angela: No, no way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't change plans willie-nillie and expect this little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devil's food, peach cobbler, "fudgey the whale," mushroom caps-
Toby: I'm allergic to mushrooms.
Jim: That's a bummer.

Quote from Creed

Jim: So who has problems with the birthday thing? One, two, three... Everybody. Okay, so then we just shouldn't do it.
Angela: What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?
Kevin: Ooh, I'll take 'em!
Creed: Well nobody's touching my cobbler.


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