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‘Survivor Man’ Quotes

The Office: Survivor Man

411. Survivor Man

Aired November 8, 2007

After Michael is left out of a company camping trip, he heads into the Pennsylvania wilderness to discover his "survivorman" side. Meanwhile, Jim is left in charge and struggles with the office politics of employee birthday parties.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace." Well, I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose.

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Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth and clothing and television and hamburgers and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air because I have the freshest air around: A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [turning monitor around to reveal desktop] I can also make it the sky.

Quote from Stanley

Meredith: What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday. So what if there's a lot of them.
Kevin: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
Stanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.
Oscar: Why don't you have an apple?
Stanley: Why don't you mind your business?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way. No, I do not.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, what did I miss?
Jim: Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Jim: So, terrible idea.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.
Jim: You did do it?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years, but-
Michael Scott: That's what I said. That's what she said!
Jim: That's what who says?
Michael Scott: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension when things sort of get hard.
Jim: That's what she said.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a "get to know you" weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Quote from Toby

Phyllis: Who went?
Toby: Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany, and Ryan obviously. We had so many s'mores I finally had to say, "no more s'mores, no more s'mores."
[aside to camera:]
Toby: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful-
Michael Scott: [tapping on the window] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point so just wrap it up.
Toby: Michael wasn't invited.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Oh, can't go today 'cause I'm donating blood.
Michael Scott: How often can you actually donate blood?
Jim: Is there a limit? I don't-
Michael Scott: Your body only has a certain amount.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: This is what a true survivorman does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You can only wear the clothes that you have on. And you can only use the stuff that you have in your pockets. Now in this case, this disaster is a serial killer, creepy guy who's abducted me, and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
Michael Scott: Well yes, I would and then I would survive.
Dwight K. Schrute: I would make sure that you were dead, believe me. Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you couldn't be identified. And they would call me the overkill killer.
Michael Scott: You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.

Quote from Jim

Jim: There are 13 people working in this office. So 13 times a year, Michael gets a cake and balloons and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. And there are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are. And the other is something inappropriate or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to Happy Birthday. And he is a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even arguably, possibly to a fault. So I think, yeah I think getting these out of the way might be productive.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Day one. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape in case I need to fashion a shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant which would make it about- Really beating down on me now. And I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. Okay. Oh, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my carotid artery here.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am totally alone right now with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm lovin' it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is going to hear me. [shouting] Wish I could've gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I havehemorrhoids! Doesn't even matter.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, it is a little chillier than I had thought so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, it's time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels. A nice, juicy rabbit would be delicious.

Quote from Jim

Phyllis: Hey, Michael- I mean Jim.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Yep, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Under this tree, I think I struck the motherload. Those are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say, these little buggers are damn tasty as well.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! No, Michael! No! [tackling Michael to the ground] Give 'em up!


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