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38Quotes from ‘Moroccan Christmas’

The Office: Moroccan Christmas

511. Moroccan Christmas

Aired December 11, 2008

At the office Christmas party, Michael decides to throw an intervention for Meredith. Meanwhile, Angela tires of being blackmailed by Phyllis.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Ah. You brought in your doll collection.
Dwight K. Schrute: These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities, the same as gold or oil.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catch phrase: "My horn can pierce the sky." Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become more desperate, I will sell them at an enormous profit. Isn't that right, princess?

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: What is this?
Jim: Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are so pathetic. How long did this take you? 3 hours?
Jim: Five minutes, actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. Well, I hope it was worth it, 'cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
Jim: I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my... [Dwight falls to the ground as he puts his briefcase on his table and goes to sit in his chair, which turn out to be made of paper]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?
Meredith: Sure.
Michael Scott: Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Meredith: Obviously.
Michael Scott: Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?
Oscar: Where did you get this?
Michael Scott: I got it on a web site. That's not important.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, I don't care for Meredith, but I don't believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Angela, you're going to move this for the party, right? It's not on theme.
Angela: It's the Nativity scene.
Phyllis: All right. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant. And the North African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: That's the Christmas spirit.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to give their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? The king had sex with a unicorn? A man with a horn had sex with a royal horse?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.
Dwight K. Schrute: They are now.
Michael Scott: Cool. [singing] "My horn can pierce the sky"

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of splenda. I call it a "One of Everything."
Meredith: Oh, my God! [laughing] Hit me again!
Michael Scott: All right. One more time around the block.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I will grant you one wish.
Pam: I wish you would stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.
Jim: Stupid. Everybody knows to ask for 100 more wishes. Dumb.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: We're back on the 5th. Should we just do it then?
Michael Scott: We cannot do it then. Monthly dental appointment. Soft teeth.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: What about February 2nd?
Jim: Would you want to do it on Groundhog Day?
Michael Scott: No. No, I celebrate privately.
Jim: That's right.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: An intervention, it's sort of hard to describe. But really it's It's a coming together- It's a surprise party for people who are- Who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them, and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.

Quote from Andy

Andy: When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was "Puke." I would chug a fifth of so-co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskis, some jell-o shots. Do some body shots off myself. Pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more so-co, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me "Ace." It was totally awesome. I got straight "B"s. They called me "Buzz."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to. But then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on, people. If we don't say anything, she's not gonna get any better.

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: Yes, Kevin?
Kevin: Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets, and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool.
Michael Scott: That's- You didn't- You weren't hurt by that.
Kevin: Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Meredith.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Everyone in this room loves you. But mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire, we are not going to help put you out.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh. As fire marshal, I would have to.
Michael Scott: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well-ventilated area.
Jim: But you need a permit for that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, right, that'll take a couple of weeks.
Creed: I can get you one in an hour.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But, you know what, my wishes never come true so I'm not going to wish that on her. A watch would be nice.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Darryl, I need this doll.
Darryl: Don't cry. It's cool. I'll let you get it for 400.
Toby: I only have 200.
Darryl: You can owe me.
Toby: [laughs] Oh man, thanks, thank you, [tearing up] thank you, thank you.
Darryl: I know, right? Merry Christmas.
Toby: She's gonna- [noticing the doll is black]
Darryl: Something wrong with the doll?
Toby: No. It's- It's even- It's even better than the one I wanted.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. And they have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: This is the first Christmas party I'm throwing as head of the party planning committee. The theme is "Nights in Morocco." This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party. Unless, of course, she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate.

Quote from Angela

Angela: I am not gonna judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will, though. And she just stuffed him into a drawer.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Ange, check it out. [sings] There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance...
Angela: Really, Andy? It's Christmas And you're singing about nudity and France.
Andy: [sings] There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jim, check that out.
Jim: What is it?
Michael Scott: That is vodka, and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an "Orange Vod-juice-ka."
Jim: Wow, that is delicious. I can't believe no one's thought of it.
Michael Scott: I know.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-ka-ching.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: It looks like we're gonna be here for a while, so why don't you make a plate of hummus for everyone? Little triangles of pita toasted on both sides, fanned, so you can easily grab them.
Angela: I don't-
Phyllis: And napkins. Fanned.

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: How do you feel?
Meredith: A little better. I threw up.
Michael Scott: T.M.I.
Kevin: Fire girl! [off Jim's look] Too soon.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention, and then get back to the party.
Toby: Michael, we're only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance. We cannot ask her to stop drinking.
Michael Scott: I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.
Meredith: I'm not an alcoholic.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Obviously you are. Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic, please raise your hands.
Dwight K. Schrute: Aye.
Michael Scott: The ayes have it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: Michael, we should contact some experts. You don't know what you're doing.
Michael Scott: Toby, one of my employees is undergoing a crisis. And I wish for just once you would take my side on this. I'm doing your job, man.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Who is gonna tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is gonna tell us what you watched on television last night?
Meredith: I am fine.
Michael Scott: Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I was waiting until later to hand out this year's gifts from corporate. I don't think they're appropriate anymore.

Quote from Phyllis

Angela: Please stop making me do these things.
Phyllis: Sorry, it's your job.
Angela: But it's the season of mercy.
Phyllis: You never showed me mercy when you were in charge. Why aren't you wearing the hair net?
Angela: I lost it. Fine.
Phyllis: Okay. Nice.

Quote from Michael Scott

Meredith: I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do... to porn. [everyone groans]
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. That is- The image, I think we all can agree, is very disgusting.

Quote from Pam

Jim: They've been in there for 45 min.
Pam: I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I need you to put the Christmas tree back up.
Angela: It's outside.
Phyllis: I didn't ask you where it was. I told you where it needs to be.
Angela: Shut up.
Phyllis: Excuse me?
Angela: I'm not moving the tree. Face it, the only power you have over me is this little secret that I know you're not gonna tell. Oh, and you wanna know how I know that? Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore. So you move the tree.
Phyllis: Okay. [loudly] Angela's having sex with Dwight. I caught them doing it after Toby's going away party.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, don't look so surprised.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I knew it.
Jim: You did not know it.
Pam: I knew some of it.
Jim: Everyone knew some of it.
Pam: It's Christmas.
Jim: You knew it.
Pam: Thank you. I knew it.
Jim: She knew it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: All right, everybody's still here. Perfect. Got a little surprise I've been working on. Angela, my bride, I just wanted you to know that for the rest of our lives, no matter the cultural milieu, I will always be there to bring you some Christmas cheer.
[singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Tis the season to be jolly Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Don we now our gay apparel Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Troll the little old Yuletide carol...
Angela: I think I'd like to go home now.
Andy: Sure. Tough room. Come on, I just learned it. Just so you know, protocol is a little round of applause. But Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!


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