Jim: Ah. You brought in your doll collection.
Dwight K. Schrute: These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities, the same as gold or oil.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catch phrase: "My horn can pierce the sky." Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become more desperate, I will sell them at an enormous profit. Isn't that right, princess?

Dwight K. Schrute: What is this?
Jim: Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are so pathetic. How long did this take you? 3 hours?
Jim: Five minutes, actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. Well, I hope it was worth it, 'cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
Jim: I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my... [Dwight falls to the ground as he puts his briefcase on his table and goes to sit in his chair, which turn out to be made of paper]

Michael Scott: Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?
Meredith: Sure.
Michael Scott: Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Meredith: Obviously.
Michael Scott: Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?
Oscar: Where did you get this?
Michael Scott: I got it on a web site. That's not important.

Dwight K. Schrute: There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, I don't care for Meredith, but I don't believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.

Oscar: What about February 2nd?
Jim: Would you want to do it on Groundhog Day?
Michael Scott: No. No, I celebrate privately.
Jim: That's right.

Michael Scott: Yes, Kevin?
Kevin: Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets, and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool.
Michael Scott: That's- You didn't- You weren't hurt by that.
Kevin: Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Meredith.

Phyllis: Angela, you're going to move this for the party, right? It's not on theme.
Angela: It's the Nativity scene.
Phyllis: All right. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant. And the North African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer.

Phyllis: Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.

Jim: That's the Christmas spirit.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to give their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? The king had sex with a unicorn? A man with a horn had sex with a royal horse?