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‘Moroccan Christmas’ Quotes

The Office: Moroccan Christmas

511. Moroccan Christmas

Aired December 11, 2008

At the office Christmas party, Michael decides to throw an intervention for Meredith. Meanwhile, Angela tires of being blackmailed by Phyllis.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Ah. You brought in your doll collection.
Dwight K. Schrute: These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities, the same as gold or oil.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catch phrase: "My horn can pierce the sky." Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become more desperate, I will sell them at an enormous profit. Isn't that right, princess?

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Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: What is this?
Jim: Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are so pathetic. How long did this take you? 3 hours?
Jim: Five minutes, actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. Well, I hope it was worth it, 'cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
Jim: I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my... [Dwight falls to the ground as he puts his briefcase on his table and goes to sit in his chair, which turn out to be made of paper]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?
Meredith: Sure.
Michael Scott: Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Meredith: Obviously.
Michael Scott: Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?
Oscar: Where did you get this?
Michael Scott: I got it on a web site. That's not important.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, I don't care for Meredith, but I don't believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Angela, you're going to move this for the party, right? It's not on theme.
Angela: It's the Nativity scene.
Phyllis: All right. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant. And the North African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: That's the Christmas spirit.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to give their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? The king had sex with a unicorn? A man with a horn had sex with a royal horse?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.
Dwight K. Schrute: They are now.
Michael Scott: Cool. [singing] "My horn can pierce the sky"

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of splenda. I call it a "One of Everything."
Meredith: Oh, my God! [laughing] Hit me again!
Michael Scott: All right. One more time around the block.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I will grant you one wish.
Pam: I wish you would stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.
Jim: Stupid. Everybody knows to ask for 100 more wishes. Dumb.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: We're back on the 5th. Should we just do it then?
Michael Scott: We cannot do it then. Monthly dental appointment. Soft teeth.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: What about February 2nd?
Jim: Would you want to do it on Groundhog Day?
Michael Scott: No. No, I celebrate privately.
Jim: That's right.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: An intervention, it's sort of hard to describe. But really it's It's a coming together- It's a surprise party for people who are- Who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them, and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.

Quote from Andy

Andy: When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was "Puke." I would chug a fifth of so-co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskis, some jell-o shots. Do some body shots off myself. Pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more so-co, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me "Ace." It was totally awesome. I got straight "B"s. They called me "Buzz."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to. But then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on, people. If we don't say anything, she's not gonna get any better.

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: Yes, Kevin?
Kevin: Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets, and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool.
Michael Scott: That's- You didn't- You weren't hurt by that.
Kevin: Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Meredith.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Everyone in this room loves you. But mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire, we are not going to help put you out.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh. As fire marshal, I would have to.
Michael Scott: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well-ventilated area.
Jim: But you need a permit for that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, right, that'll take a couple of weeks.
Creed: I can get you one in an hour.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But, you know what, my wishes never come true so I'm not going to wish that on her. A watch would be nice.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Darryl, I need this doll.
Darryl: Don't cry. It's cool. I'll let you get it for 400.
Toby: I only have 200.
Darryl: You can owe me.
Toby: [laughs] Oh man, thanks, thank you, [tearing up] thank you, thank you.
Darryl: I know, right? Merry Christmas.
Toby: She's gonna- [noticing the doll is black]
Darryl: Something wrong with the doll?
Toby: No. It's- It's even- It's even better than the one I wanted.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. And they have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.


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