TV Quotes

Michael Scott: Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?

Jim: Karen, any news from that law firm?
Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday. It's a six-month commitment.
Jim: Oh, my God! Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not.
Jim: Dwight, you know what, just back off, okay? That's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh, my God, he's got a knife!
Dwight K. Schrute: I do not have a knife.
Jim: No. Let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?
Dwight K. Schrute: Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim: Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am not.

Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in. Dwight, get his autograph for Michael-
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, okay?

Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Jim: Oh, my God, Karen, you're right. That is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't see my stomach.

Stanley: Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here.
Michael Scott: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
Stanley: My bonus check was $100 less than you promised.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, payroll is in charge of all of that.
Stanley: They said I should talk to you.
Michael Scott: Well, I am just getting settled in. So I'm gonna-
Stanley: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
Michael Scott: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers, mon.

Michael Scott: You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having piña coladas every day at 3:00.
Pam: Well, you can't today. We're doing inventory.
Michael Scott: Inventory's at the end of December.
Pam: We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed.
Michael Scott: [groaning] I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.

Michael Scott: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin Warehouse Inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.
Angela: By the end of the day? That's impossible.
Michael Scott: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible".
Jim: Yep, it's English. It's "impossible".

Michael Scott: How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need.

Michael Scott: There is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? "No shirt. No shoes. No problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what if we have to stay late and do inventory? No problem.

Michael Scott: Hey, man, how's it going?
Darryl: All right. What's up, Mike?
Michael Scott: That's great. Okay. Um. So did you get an e-mail from me?
Darryl: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not Packaging. Did you already forward it to a whole bunch of people?
Darryl: Uh-uh.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Darryl: Well, did you get the second e-mail that I sent explaining that the first e-mail was a mistake and that you should delete it?
Michael Scott: Yep. Have you sent that out to everyone?
Darryl: Mike, I'm very busy down here.

Jim: Hey, thanks a lot.
Pam: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell, which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan.
Jim: Yeah. How have we not talked about this already? I mean, what happened there? Kidnapping?

Toby: Hey, I need to talk to you-
Michael Scott: Not now, not ever.
Toby: -about you and Jan.
Michael Scott: Ah. None of your business.
Toby: I wish that were true, but it- It- It seems from that photo that two of you have entered into an intimate relationship.
Michael Scott: That photo is my personal property, and if you are telling me that you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.
Toby: Michael, nine different people e-mailed me that photo, including my ex-wife and we don't talk.
Michael Scott: Well, this is probably the icebreaker you need.

Angela: Okay, we only have three hours, people, to plan a whole luau and you're not helping.
Karen: What are the ingredients of poi?
Phyllis: I've called every grocery store in Scranton and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela: Did you try the petting zoo?

Pam: Michael? It's Jan on the phone.
Michael Scott: Oh, God! No, no, no. Hang up. Hang up. Tell her I'm not here. Don't- Don't- I've ran out of gas. I hit a deer. I hit- I hit a deer with my car. No. I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
Pam: [on the phone] He'll call you back. Okay. Great.
Michael Scott: Do you think she bought it? Okay.

Michael Scott: Hello! Hi! Attention, everyone. Um. Apparently, there is an e-mail circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rated picture of me and a woman.
Kevin: Jan.
Michael Scott: No, Kevin, a woman. Maybe Jan, maybe-
Jim: Urgle Grue.

[As Pam cries in the corridor:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Who did this to you? Where is he?
Pam: What? No. It's not- It's nothing.
[Dwight takes his jacket off, then ties it around his waist]
Dwight K. Schrute: It's hot in here.
Pam: Yeah.
[Dwight removes a handkerchief and hands it to Pam.]
Pam: Thanks.
[Dwight sits down]
Pam: You don't need to stay here.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know.
[Dwight places his hand on Pam's shoulder as she sobs]
Dwight K. Schrute: So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?

Jan: Why am I here, Michael?
Michael Scott: I-
Jan: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not communicate. This is neither here nor there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies, and that for once, I should indulge them. Are you following me?
Michael Scott: Uh, uh- Yes.
Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even- Even if it means lowering my expectations or redefining the word itself.
Michael Scott: Okay, yeah-
Jan: This is the thing, you know? I am attracted to you. I don't I don't know why, I- But I am, and I need to follow my instincts. At least, that's what Dr. Perry thinks.
Michael Scott: Who's Dr. Perry? I-
Jan: This is the point, okay? You're wrong for me. In- In every way. But I still- Well, I find myself wanting to be with you.

Michael Scott: And I to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are, as well.
Jan: ... Good. Good.

Michael Scott: Jan? You complete me.
Jan: Oh, God.

Kevin: What am I gonna do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art.