TV Quotes

Michael Scott: Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?

Jim: Karen, any news from that law firm?
Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday. It's a six-month commitment.
Jim: Oh, my God! Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not.
Jim: Dwight, you know what, just back off, okay? That's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh, my God, he's got a knife!
Dwight K. Schrute: I do not have a knife.
Jim: No. Let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?
Dwight K. Schrute: Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim: Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am not.

Kevin: What am I gonna do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art.

Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in. Dwight, get his autograph for Michael-
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, okay?

Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Jim: Oh, my God, Karen, you're right. That is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't see my stomach.

Stanley: Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here.
Michael Scott: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
Stanley: My bonus check was $100 less than you promised.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, payroll is in charge of all of that.
Stanley: They said I should talk to you.
Michael Scott: Well, I am just getting settled in. So I'm gonna-
Stanley: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
Michael Scott: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers, mon.

Michael Scott: You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having piña coladas every day at 3:00.
Pam: Well, you can't today. We're doing inventory.
Michael Scott: Inventory's at the end of December.
Pam: We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed.
Michael Scott: [groaning] I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.

Michael Scott: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin Warehouse Inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.
Angela: By the end of the day? That's impossible.
Michael Scott: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible".
Jim: Yep, it's English. It's "impossible".

Michael Scott: How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need.

Michael Scott: There is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? "No shirt. No shoes. No problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what if we have to stay late and do inventory? No problem.

Michael Scott: Hey, man, how's it going?
Darryl: All right. What's up, Mike?
Michael Scott: That's great. Okay. Um. So did you get an e-mail from me?
Darryl: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not Packaging. Did you already forward it to a whole bunch of people?
Darryl: Uh-uh.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Darryl: Well, did you get the second e-mail that I sent explaining that the first e-mail was a mistake and that you should delete it?
Michael Scott: Yep. Have you sent that out to everyone?
Darryl: Mike, I'm very busy down here.

Jim: Hey, thanks a lot.
Pam: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell, which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan.
Jim: Yeah. How have we not talked about this already? I mean, what happened there? Kidnapping?

Toby: Hey, I need to talk to you-
Michael Scott: Not now, not ever.
Toby: -about you and Jan.
Michael Scott: Ah. None of your business.
Toby: I wish that were true, but it- It- It seems from that photo that two of you have entered into an intimate relationship.
Michael Scott: That photo is my personal property, and if you are telling me that you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.
Toby: Michael, nine different people e-mailed me that photo, including my ex-wife and we don't talk.
Michael Scott: Well, this is probably the icebreaker you need.

Angela: Okay, we only have three hours, people, to plan a whole luau and you're not helping.
Karen: What are the ingredients of poi?
Phyllis: I've called every grocery store in Scranton and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela: Did you try the petting zoo?

Pam: Michael? It's Jan on the phone.
Michael Scott: Oh, God! No, no, no. Hang up. Hang up. Tell her I'm not here. Don't- Don't- I've ran out of gas. I hit a deer. I hit- I hit a deer with my car. No. I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
Pam: [on the phone] He'll call you back. Okay. Great.
Michael Scott: Do you think she bought it? Okay.

Michael Scott: Hello! Hi! Attention, everyone. Um. Apparently, there is an e-mail circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rated picture of me and a woman.
Kevin: Jan.
Michael Scott: No, Kevin, a woman. Maybe Jan, maybe-
Jim: Urgle Grue.

[As Pam cries in the corridor:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Who did this to you? Where is he?
Pam: What? No. It's not- It's nothing.
[Dwight takes his jacket off, then ties it around his waist]
Dwight K. Schrute: It's hot in here.
Pam: Yeah.
[Dwight removes a handkerchief and hands it to Pam.]
Pam: Thanks.
[Dwight sits down]
Pam: You don't need to stay here.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know.
[Dwight places his hand on Pam's shoulder as she sobs]
Dwight K. Schrute: So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?

Jan: Why am I here, Michael?
Michael Scott: I-
Jan: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not communicate. This is neither here nor there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies, and that for once, I should indulge them. Are you following me?
Michael Scott: Uh, uh- Yes.
Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even- Even if it means lowering my expectations or redefining the word itself.
Michael Scott: Okay, yeah-
Jan: This is the thing, you know? I am attracted to you. I don't I don't know why, I- But I am, and I need to follow my instincts. At least, that's what Dr. Perry thinks.
Michael Scott: Who's Dr. Perry? I-
Jan: This is the point, okay? You're wrong for me. In- In every way. But I still- Well, I find myself wanting to be with you.

Michael Scott: And I to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are, as well.
Jan: ... Good. Good.

Michael Scott: Jan? You complete me.
Jan: Oh, God.

Jim: All right, let's get started. Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing card stock this week. So, let's push card stock this week. Uh, also- What is this?
Dwight K. Schrute: Tape recorder.
Jim: For what?
Dwight K. Schrute: For recording. Michael is on vacation and he has asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.

Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chain saw! [mimicking chainsaw noise]

Michael Scott: Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
Pam: How was Jamaica?
Michael Scott: It was so good! Oh. Hey, mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says, "Hey, mon," everybody says, "Hey, mon," back.

Karen: I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a for-rent sign down the street from Jim, and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away.

Michael Scott: [playing the conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [talking] That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing.
Pam: It's good.

Michael Scott: You know, I had never been out of the country before now. I got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great. You know, they just relax, they party all the time.
Pam: It's kind of an impoverished country.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Gosh. Great.

Pam: Oh, my God. Is that Jan?
Michael Scott: What?
Kevin: Where?
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Pam: On the left.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. That's- No, that's a German woman named Urgle Grue.

Pam: No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair.

Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael Scott: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you, you skeevy little perv?
Toby: All right. If you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.
Michael Scott: No, no. No, I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on Earth. Got enough, weirdo?

Dwight K. Schrute: I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that be taken down.
Michael Scott: All right.
Dwight K. Schrute: I've destroyed all printouts from the bathroom.
Michael Scott: There are copies in the bathroom?
Dwight K. Schrute: There were a lot of them.

Karen: I think I owe you one.
Pam: Sorry?
Karen: For talking sense into Halpert. The Days Inn Room 228 was staring to get really depressing.
Pam: Yeah, I know, don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.
Karen: Yeah. But thanks, seriously.

Kevin: Hi, Jan. You look tan.
Jan: I was in Scottsdale, visiting my sister.
Kevin: Yeah? How was it?
Jan: Very sunny. Family's important.

Roy: Hey. You remember when we were planning our honeymoon, and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico?
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: I was definitely right. Oh, brother.

Michael Scott: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it could get us both in trouble. So, officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there in our room at night and in the morning. And that's all I'm gonna say. Sex. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Hey, dude. I just got back from Jamaica.
Todd: Big whoop. I was in Hotlanta. That whole town is waxed.