Pam: Hey. I need to give you your Christmas gift now, because- Well, I'll just tell you.
Jim: What?
Pam: For the past few months, I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA.
Jim: Are you serious?
Pam: They're considering him for a top-secret mission. There's his application. Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he'd never, ever tell. "Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but, really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp." Wow. So, here's the gift. You get to decide what his top-secret mission is. Sorry I didn't wrap it.

Michael Scott: I need my entourage. Jim! Dwight! Ryan. Come on. We're going to Asian Hooters.
Ryan: Oh, man, I can't.
Michael Scott: Why not?
Ryan: I'm not feeling so well. I got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy. I just ate there last night.

Angela: Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch.
Phyllis: I thought you said green was whorish.
Angela: No. Orange is whorish.

Dwight K. Schrute: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas.
Pam: No! Why did you bring that here?
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't worry, she's dead. Oh, wait. He's dead.
Pam: Dwight? What-
Dwight K. Schrute: I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle.
Pam: Well, get it out of here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Relax, okay? And because this is Christmas, I am going to roast this goose and prepare it with a wild rice dressing. So, can you watch this? I'm gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk.
Toby: Oh, Dwight, we talked about this.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Toby, this is different. He's already dead.

Dwight K. Schrute: Once I brought in a duck to prepare for lunch, and people got upset. Apparently they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed.

Dwight K. Schrute: He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease, and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
Jim: Win-win.
Dwight K. Schrute: Exactly. Thank you, Jim.

Michael Scott: Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it will fit, with all these little knick-knacks.
Jim: Wow. What kind of bike is that?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Average kind.
Kevin: The tires look pretty worn.
Michael Scott: Well, that is probably from the test drive.
Jim: But the paint's chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael?
Michael Scott: No.

Andy: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Andy: If I may say, she's even prettier than you described her.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, ouch! Michael, I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you described her.

Carole: What is this?
Michael Scott: That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. "Ski-eason's Greetings."
Carole: No. See, we never went on a ski trip.
Michael Scott: I know.
Carole: I know. I went on a ski trip-
Michael Scott: Right.
Carole: -two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband.
Michael Scott: Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you, in a sense. I was in your heart-
Carole: Michael.
Michael Scott: -and next to your kids. What?
Carole: This is so weird.

Jim: It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. Is "bold" the right word?