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42Quotes from ‘Phyllis' Wedding’

The Office: Phyllis' Wedding

316. Phyllis' Wedding

Aired February 8, 2007

On the day of Phyllis' wedding, Michael is determined to play a big part in the ceremony. Meanwhile, Pam is upset to be shown her how wedding might have looked.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say, that's crazy. I say, "Let them eat cake." Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Oh, damn. I lost another file. Gonna have to reboot, again. Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you think?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. So, for the past couple weeks, I've been conducting a similar experiment.
[montage:]
Jim: [computer sound] Dwight, want an Altoid?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Jim: [computer sound] Altoid?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sure.
Jim: [computer sound] Mint, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: "Mint, Dwight?" Yes.
Jim: [computer sound, Dwight holds out his hand] What are you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: I- What? I don't know. I- My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Yes. I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Phyllis is getting married and I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding, which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the Bride.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There she is. I swear, Phyllis, you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.
Phyllis: Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My mom was marrying Jeff, and they asked me to be ring bearer. And I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet. I hate you! A long story short, Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that, after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said boo.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: You know, I just wish I wish I had the investigative powers to actually smoke some of these guys out, you know?
Dwight K. Schrute: Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Could you scoot over? You're on my dress.
Meredith: I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding.
Kelly: I know, but there was an emergency. [aside to camera:] I look really good in white.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now, the wedding has no highlight. I can't believe I pushed that guy's lazy ass around all day until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's- Well, I've got news for you, Elbert, if that's your real name, the show's not over.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Best of luck, Phyllis. Also, I'm gonna need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers.
Phyllis: I don't have that, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Damn it, Phyllis!

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Pam: What do you mean?
Kelly: Well, this is supposed to be your wedding.
Pam: Oh! No, that's actually fine.
Kelly: There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just, like, freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me, sir, how do you know the happy couple?
Guy: Who?
Dwight K. Schrute: The bride and groom. What are their names?
Guy: Uh, I- Ah- Um- I don't- I'm not sure-
Dwight K. Schrute: I get it. I get it. Come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on. Okay, okay.
Guy: Where are we going?
Dwight K. Schrute: You've got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Uh, attention, everyone. Attention, please. I'm supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It's a very serious situation. [counts off, sings:] Roxanne! You don't have to put on your red light!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hi, I'm Michael Scott. And, for the next 40 minutes, I am going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance, one of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's dictionary defines wedding as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch." Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals, gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride, "Marriage!"

Quote from Roy

Roy: Hey! They're playing our song, huh?
Pam: Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played The Police.
Roy: I know. I I gave them 20 bucks. You wanna dance?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I just want Phyllis to have a great day.
Uncle Al: Phyllis and you will be great together.
Michael Scott: We are great together. We are a great team.
Uncle Al: The Celtics were a great team.
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes, they were. Robert Parish- I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Uncle Al: Well, nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know.
Michael Scott: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for a half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Always the bridesmaids, right, ladies?

Quote from Pam

Pam: Phyllis ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So, it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like, "Wait, I thought I called that off?"

Quote from Stanley

Jim: So, what's in the box?
Stanley: A toaster. You?
Karen: A toaster.
Stanley: Unbelievable.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello, Angela.
Angela: Hi, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.
Angela: Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left.

Quote from Pam

Jim: Those flowers are nice.
Karen: Yeah. "P and R"?
Jim: Phyllis and Robert?
Karen: Oh, of course.
Pam: Also, Pam and Roy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How you doing? Are you excited?
Phyllis: Yes, very.
Michael Scott: Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is okay. I did.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Do you want to talk about tonight?
Phyllis: No. Because I know you're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure.
Michael Scott: Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay if you did, it's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding, and you're nervous-
Phyllis: That wasn't me.
Michael Scott: Okay. I'm sure that Bob-Wow, that is That is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Oh. Are you set on that hairstyle? I thought it was-
Phyllis: Michael, no-
Michael Scott: Here, let me.
Phyllis: I don't need your help. Thank you, no.
Michael Scott: Just cover up that bald patch.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This strapping, young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Elbert, and he is quite the ladies' man. Aren't you, Elbert? Huh? Ring bearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Are you ready for this, Elbert? I am. Let's do it!

Quote from Michael Scott

Officiant: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Phyllis: I do.
Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, for the first time as a couple, Mr. And Mrs. Bob Vance!
[silence]
Officiant: And do you, Bob, take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Bob Vance: I do.
Officiant: You may now kiss the bride.
Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time as a couple, Mr. And Mrs. Bob Vance! [crowd applauds] That's what I'm talking about!

Quote from Angela

Angela: Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely.
Phyllis: Thank you.
Angela: Your dress is very white. It's so white, my eyes are burning.
Phyllis: Thanks, Angela.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know, if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
Bob Vance: If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.
Michael Scott: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Phyllis? Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?
Phyllis: It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat and enjoy the buffet.
Michael Scott: I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
Phyllis: It's fish.
Michael Scott: I will take care of that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I do. I know a fair amount about fine food and drink. [sniffs wine] Mmm... this is a white.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: No, this is not our first wedding. This is the third wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.

Quote from Roy

Pam: Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.
Roy: I guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning. Yeah. Sorry about that.
Pam: It's okay.
Roy: Well, you think it sucks for you? I'm the one who actually wanted to get married.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [to camera] The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.
[cut to:]
Michael Scott: Phyllis and Bob, their celebrity couple name would be Flob. You look at her, and she's kind of matronly today, but back in high school, I swear her nickname was Easy Rider. Now, as for Bob. Bob Vance-
Bob Vance: Okay, that's enough. Thanks.
Michael Scott: -is a guy-
Thanks, Michael. Give me the mike.
Michael Scott: He works- Um. Okay, hold on, hold on. Look I didn't say anything when Phyllis's dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this, okay?

Quote from Jim

Jim: When are we gonna get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?
Pam: I'm pacing myself.
Jim: Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want.
Pam: No. I'm such a dorky dancer.
Jim: I know. And it's very cute.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then, no, it's totally hypothetical.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Come on.
Dwight K. Schrute: I can't let you in, Michael.
Michael Scott: Dwight, just-
Dwight K. Schrute: No. It's Bob and Phyllis's orders.
Michael Scott: Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit, and have a piece of cake. I'm not even gonna dance, one song, maybe-
Dwight K. Schrute: You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.

Quote from Karen

Jim: Here's a non-hypothetical, I'm really happy I'm with Karen.
Karen: [singing] Every little thing she does is magic Everything she do just turns me on Even though my life before was tragic Now I know my love for her goes on.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Phyllis? Phyllis, wait, please. I'm sorry. I just I just wanted to make this a day to remember.
Phyllis: You found Uncle Al!
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah. He's kind of a weirdo.
Phyllis: Thank you, Michael.
Michael Scott: You're- You're welcome.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Be careful with the- No! Oh, wow! Phyllis. Phyllis, come on. You look like a clown. Here. Oh, get me.
Get me! [Michael smushes cake into his mouth]


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