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47Quotes from ‘Work Bus’

The Office: Work Bus

904. Work Bus

Aired October 18, 2012

When Jim tries to do something nice for Pam, he inadvertently causes the whole office to be moved into a bus. Meanwhile, Nellie asks Andy for a character reference as she seeks to adopt a child.

Quote from Kevin

Jim: Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
Kevin: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Kevin: We...
Oscar: Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin: 314 pies.
Oscar: What if it were salads?
Kevin: Well, it's the... Carry the four... And... It doesn't work.

Quote from Meredith

Dwight K. Schrute: [Reading from computer] "Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!" That means you can't make me do squat.
Meredith: You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.

Quote from Stanley

Clark: Stretch. Alright.
Stanley: How many times do you need to take a stroll?
Clark: I, my legs cramp up! Okay, it's a circulation issue.
Stanley: Boy, I will hammer spank your rear.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Um, okay, I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Toby: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Andy: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Well, I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, listen. Everything here is up to code.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, the wires need insulation! It's a wire, people. I'm not buying it a fur coat.

Quote from Andy

Nellie: Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now.
Andy: Fine. I will give you one minute.
Nellie: Oh, please don't use the hourglass.
Andy: You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of its baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.
Nellie: I'm trying to adopt a baby.
Andy: A baby what? A human?

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: What are you doing?
Jim: Getting my wife a week off from work.
Darryl: You popped one kernel.
Jim: Awesome, right? [leaves]
Clark: So Creed is that dude's step dad?
Darryl: Correct.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their powers that way.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard.
Nellie: Oh, of course, you were adopted.
Erin: [laughs] I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? [laughs] Oh, well.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages.
Nellie: [laughs] Although, I have considered kidnapping one.
Erin: Never say that.

Quote from Nellie

Erin: I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt.
Nellie: I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up.

Quote from Kevin

Phyllis: Just drive away. Just-
Pam: Phyllis, that's not safe.
Kevin: Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm barren, Jim.
Jim: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.
Jim: Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank.
Dwight K. Schrute: You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?
Jim: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. [laughs]
Jim: I'll take it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?
Jim: That doesn't matter.
Dwight K. Schrute: What position did you use to conceive?
Jim: Okay, that's not...
Dwight K. Schrute: Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim.

Quote from Andy

Nellie: Oh.
Andy: I changed my mind.
Nellie: Oh, you signed it?
Andy: Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. [laughs] Well, yeah, whatever. So. [walks away]
Nellie: "She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents."

Quote from Creed

Creed: Thanks. Playing a little hooky from work today. Oh, my god.

Quote from Andy

Oscar: Is this like a blooper reel?
Andy: A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail!

Quote from Andy

Andy: [on video] Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. We fail!

Quote from Andy

Andy: That was not a fail.
Group: Fail! Fail! Fail!
Andy: That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. You're all failing right now. Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail!

Quote from Jim

Jim: Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like, "Wham!" Gotta go through me first.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that.

Quote from Creed

Pam: Week off. That'd be great.
Darryl: Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so.
Clark: I don't want to teach you Power Point.
Darryl: Come on! Just show me the Power Point.
Clark: Just do the tutorial.
Darryl: You're the tutorial.
Clark: No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial.
Darryl: You could be.
Clark: Mm-mm.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: "Side effects of EMF include: headaches..."
Dwight K. Schrute: Had 'em all my life.
Jim: "..breast pain..."
Dwight K. Schrute: No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try, Jim.
Jim: Oof. "Infertility."
Dwight K. Schrute: [scoffs] Yeah right. [Dwight positions mouse pad over his crotch]

Quote from Jim

Jim: Ah. There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. [notices popped kernels in the bag] What the...?
Jim: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Some of these kernels have crowned.
Jim: That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag. [looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair] Oh, my God.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids.
Pam: Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?
Jim: You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? [Pam nods] Yes, we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen.
Pam: A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.
Jim: Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..?
Erin: Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help.
Nellie: Oh, thank you so much!
Erin: [whispers] Just don't tell Andy, because..
Nellie: He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Really? Smirking?
Dwight K. Schrute: What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: No. No. This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.

Quote from Andy

Phyllis, Kevin & Stanley: Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies!
Andy: Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?
Dwight K. Schrute: Get your foot behind the yellow line.

Quote from Clark

[As the work bus pulls away:]
Darryl: [unenthusiastic] Stop.
Clark: [unenthusiastic] Come back.
Darryl: [unenthusiastic] Too late.
Clark: [unenthusiastic] Mmm.

Quote from Pam

Group: Shabooya, roll call. Shabooya, ya ya, shabooya, roll call.
Pam: My name is Pam.
Group: Yeah!
Pam: I like to paint.
Group: Yeah!
Pam: You think you're better?
Group: Yeah!
Pam: Oh no you ain't!

Quote from Kevin

Group: Roll Call! Shabooya, roll call. Shabooya, ya ya, shabooya, roll call. Shabooya, roll call. Shabooya, ya ya, shabooya, roll call.
Kevin: My name is Kevin.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: That is my name.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: They call me Kevin.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: Cause that's my name.
Group: Roll call! Shabooya, roll call. Shabooya, ya ya, shabooya, roll call. Shabooya, roll call. Shabooya, ya ya, shabooya, roll call.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately?
Jim: If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah.
Pam: No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him.
Jim: He's just mad that we're all having fun.
Pam: Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?
Jim: He's fine. He's indestructible.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas.
Jim: Okay, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop.
Dwight K. Schrute: That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up.
Jim: Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on!
Pam: Hey honey, I don't think we should push him.
Jim: Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?!
Group: No!
Dwight K. Schrute: Stop ordering me around, Jim!

Quote from Jim

Jim: What do we want?!
Group: Pies!
Jim: When do we want it?!
Group: Pies!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. [drops keys in Jim's lap] Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie.
Jim: That's impossible.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Well, now I don't even feel like pie. Wait... No, it's back.

Quote from Andy

Stanley: Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream!
Andy: Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point!

Quote from Andy

Nellie: Andy?
Andy: Who is it?
Nellie: Um, is this a good time?
Andy: Yeah. Perfect time. Right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. [takes paper from Nelly] Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, okay... blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah. You've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable.
Nellie: Oh, what- Is there something?
Andy: It's inaccurate, dishonest and, in a word, dongwater.
Nellie: Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the-
Andy: Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.
Nellie: Alright then.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children?
Dwight K. Schrute: You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bilden-kinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.
Jim: Well, now you have a bus full of real bilden-kin...
Dwight K. Schrute: Bilden-kinder.
Jim: Okay. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me.

Quote from Jim

Pam: You feel okay now?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, better than okay. [grabs Pam's shoulders] You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie.
Pam: Well, actually, rhubarb is-
Jim: Don't.
Pam: -the one pie that I don't-
Jim: Don't.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I insult you, Oscar.
Oscar: What?
Kevin: I insult you! To your face!
Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kevin: Then why don't you do something about it?
Oscar: [laughs] Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie?
Kevin: You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo-doo face! [Oscar pies Kevin] Yes!

Quote from Andy

Andy: My name is Andy!
Group: [unenthusiastic] Yeah.
Andy: I don't do drugs!
Group: Yeah.
Andy: Now check the style!
Group: Yeah.
Andy: Of Flatt & Scruggs!
Group: Yeah.

Quote from Creed

Pam: Roll call.
Phyllis: Roll call.
Oscar: Roll call.
Creed: What?


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