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‘Vandalism’ Quotes

The Office: Vandalism

914. Vandalism

Aired January 31, 2013

Pam is furious when the mural she's been working on is defaced, so she teams up with Dwight and Nellie to exact revenge on the vandal. Meanwhile, Jim and Darryl get on each other's nerves in Philly, and Angela is upset when the Senator invites Oscar to Philip's first birthday party.

Quote from Kevin

Senator: Well, have we all calmed down yet?
Oscar: Yes. Sorry about that.
Angela: It was all my fault.
Senator: Let's all try to do better next time. Kevin, great to see you.
Kevin: Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck.
Senator: I beg your pardon.
Kevin: You are, like, a terrible person. These guys care about you and you're just using them. Again, the food was very good.

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Quote from Pam

Pam: I was hoping for a righteous mob, and I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But, they both have a mob mentality. And, I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car.
Dwight K. Schrute: [enters quickly] You need my pitchfork?

Quote from Creed

Meredith: Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall. Which is so messed up. It's 6782 not 83.
Creed: Uh, 6783's also a good time. Less mileage.

Quote from Erin

Nellie: Have you seen Darryl?
Erin: He's around here somewhere.
Nellie: Mmm. [exits]
[aside to camera:]
Erin: Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. Neither guy is here. And, it's Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies. Nobody knows it yet, but Darryl already started working in Philly. So now, he has to sneak out of here like the sneakiest little sneaky-sneak you ever saw. And I'm his helper. It's so fun.

Quote from Erin

Pam: I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it.
Erin: I thought that's what you were doing.
Pam: Yeah, but this is different.
Erin: Oh. They used worse paint than your paint?
Pam: I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint. So...
Erin: I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.
Pam: Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint. So, it just is... Okay, the point is, these warehouse guys are vandals. And, they need to be stopped.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I don't demand justice often. I'm not like Angela, who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it. But, someone should get fired over this, right? Val's no help. Andy's gone. Jim's out. I just feel like I'm on my own here. [boom microphone bumps her head] I mean, okay, not completely on my own. But, in terms of people who can do something. Thank you, Brian.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: That sucked. He didn't apologize. There's no talking to that guy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out? Huh? Who won the hugging contest? No, let me guess. Everyone tied for first.
Pam: We should just take him down.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait. Are you saying...
Pam: I'm saying we should go scorched earth on that guy's face.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting, if unarousing, presence around the office. Like a well-watered fern. But, today, she has tapped into this vengeful, violent side. And I'm like, wow, Pam has kind of a good butt.

Quote from Darryl

Jim: It's mine. Don't worry.
Darryl: I didn't say anything.
Jim: I don't think you had to.
Darryl: Excuse me?
Jim: I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing, man. I mean, you put your name on a five pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that if I needed flour I couldn't use that?
Darryl: What you need flour for, Jim?
Jim: That's not the point.
Darryl: What? You making bread?
Jim: No, I'm not making bread.
Darryl: What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel?

Quote from Jim

Jim: We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly.
Darryl: Just a couple of grown, sexy-ass roommates.
Jim: And, as much as I miss Pam and the kids, it's, uh, kinda nice to live the bachelor life again. You know, let your hair down.
Darryl: Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom.
Jim: I'm couching it!
Darryl: Which usually means there's clothes all over the living room.
Jim: And this dude labels his food. He's the clean one. And, I'm the messy one. How much fun is this?
[Darryl is silent]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Pam, I'll help you.
Pam: You will?
Dwight K. Schrute: If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime.
Pam: Thank you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: [approaches Dwight as he leaves] Hey!
Dwight K. Schrute: What is it? I have vengeance to exact.
Angela: Exciting news. There's room for one more at my son's birthday event. And, I want you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, I'm not interested.
Angela: What? Wait. The state transportation secretary will be there. You could sell your beet salt idea to the highway people.
Dwight K. Schrute: If I get the deicing gig, it's not gonna be on merit. Not because I played politics.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: [in front of a portrait of Angela] That painting is just... How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying?

Quote from Erin

Erin: [carrying a giant teddy bear] Darryl. Meet... Bearyl.
Darryl: How much did you pay for that?
Erin: Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets, though. Drive safe.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Everybody knows I go to Philly. I've just been using sick days I saved up. But, Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Excuse me, everyone. Is it okay if I leave early from work today? It's Philip's first birthday and the senator and I are hosting a party at our house.
Erin: Aw, cute! So there'll be a bunch of kids?
Angela: No. No children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also, ew! It will mostly be campaign donors.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: [quietly] Angela. You're going to find out, so I thought I'd let you know that, uh, Robert invited me too.
Angela: What?
Oscar: He said he wanted me there for support.
Angela: I'm his! His... wife.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: Angela's husband and I are in love. But, as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs. He is risking everything to have me there today. [laughs] Me.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. It's just, he uses old t-shirts as wash rags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently, they need to [air quotes] soak... He hooked me up with a job.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: [entering office] Conference room. Everybody. Now!
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't have the clearance to call a conference room meeting.
Pam: Yes, but David Wallace does. And he asked me to gather everyone to talk about stuff... that's gonna be revealed once we're in the conference room for the meeting.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're telling me, David Wallace asked you to call a super secret, classified conference room meeting?
Pam: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's go everyone. Super secret, classified conference room meeting, now!

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: I am in too, Pam.
Pam: Yeah?
Nellie: Yes, of course. I believe in you. I believe in your art. And I am bored.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [in warehouse] I am handing out pieces of paper. On which, you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings, is no one's business but my own.
Frank: You're gonna to compare 'um to the butts up there. [gestures mural]
Dwight K. Schrute: Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh, also, sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts.
Glenn: I'm not drawing a butt.
Nellie: All right then, they're bottoms. Uh, we should ask you to do big, rounded Ws.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Or nipplous breasts. Perhaps.
Val: Okay, okay. I think it's time to get back to work. Come on, fellas. Let's go.
Dwight K. Schrute: Or melons. Like cantaloupes. With the halves are cut off. And then, just the bottom parts...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Nellie: Well, this is getting us nowhere.
Pam: We need another approach. Um, we need to fine the weakest one and separate him from the group. [sees Nate struggling with a box] Yeah. I think if we could get Nate alone, we could crack him.
Dwight K. Schrute: We just need a pretense to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him. [holds up phone] Nate. Your mother is dying. [Nate drops to the floor with his head in his hands]
Pam: See, I feel bad about that.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's all right. It's all right.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Nate: So, she's gonna pull through again? [all nod] That's great. Can I talk to her?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. She needs her rest again.
Nellie: Now listen. Now that we have got you here, let's talk about this mural business.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know who the vandal is. Now, I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends, but we've got chewing gum.
Nate: Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed? Like, some of it's just too minty. It's like they're literally trying to hurt-
Pam: [interrupting] Tell us who defaced the mural!
Nate: [points at Warehouse Worker Frank] He did it.
Pam: All right. You can go. Give him his gum.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's no gum. There never was any gum.
Nate: That's really rude.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something that's important to him.
Pam: Yes!
Dwight K. Schrute: A little eye for an eye action.
Pam: Yes!
Dwight K. Schrute: Go all Hammurabi on this clown.
Pam: We need an infiltrator.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know just the man for the job. [looks at Clark]
Pam: Clark?
Dwight K. Schrute: He even looks like a mole.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population.
Party Guest: You two seem very close.
Senator: Yes. We're good friends. Good friends.
Oscar: Yeah.
Senator: You know, I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers. For a long time, our party has turned its back on the Hispanic people. Well, that is not who I am. [puts arms around Oscar] I am a friend of the Latino community. And if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego. [guests laugh] Now, does my embrace of Hispanics make me more electable, given demographic trends? I don't know. And I don't care. What I care about is Oscar. [slaps Oscar's cheek] My friend. Mi amigo. Oscar. [guests applaud as he hugs Oscar]
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend. But, he could of invited any number of Hispanics that he knows. His gardener, Rogelio. Or he could've invited... Rogelio. But, he chose me. Rogelio's Malaysian... The son of a bitch is Malaysian.

Quote from Clark

Dwight K. Schrute: [pulling Clark across the parking lot] I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again. Do you hear me?
Clark: Well, my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys.
Dwight K. Schrute: Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now, go make your hands rough with work.
Clark: OK, boss. [quietly] Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right? Like you're smarter than this.
Pam: Shh, shh.
Clark: This is never gonna work.
Pam: Shh. Remember your lines.
Clark: What lines?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: I'm done. What are you... Is that supposed to be my mural?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. Frank draws a butt on your mural, I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt. Eye for an eye, mamacita.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: I feel better.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good. I'm glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.
Pam: I know. You miss Angela, don't you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Ugh! Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Wow. This whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important as being good to the people who you really care about. I mean, that's just 'Roommates 101'.


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