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32Quotes from ‘The Fight’

The Office: The Fight

206. The Fight

Aired November 1, 2005

Michael and Dwight argue over who would be victorious in a fight.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed 20 men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I am a practitioner of Goju-Ryu Karate here in Scranton. My sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt. And gave me the duties of a sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a sempai is. But it's equally as respected as a sensei.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing, which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous. But there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better, which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me, and I think I proved that today at the dojo.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Where is my desk?
Jim: That is weird.
Dwight K. Schrute: This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.
Jim: Okay, well, you're the one who lost the desk.
Dwight K. Schrute: I didn't lose my desk.
Jim: Hey, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, who moved my desk?
Jim: I think you should retrace your steps.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished.
Jim: Colder. ... Warmer. ... A little warmer. ... There you go. ... Ooh, warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Cold. Cold. Cold. Back up. Ooh, warmer. Hot. Red hot. Hot. Very hot.
[Telephone ringing]
Dwight K. Schrute: [answering the phone] Dwight Schrute.
Jim: Hi, Dwight. What sort of discounts are we giving on the 20-Ib. White bond?
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, I've given you this information, like, 20 times.
Jim: I know.
[Toilet flushing, Kevin emerges from a stall]
Dwight K. Schrute: It's by the ream?
Jim: Uh, yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ream It is now $9.78, so it's a discount of 7%.
Jim: Okay, thank you. Got to get back to work.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wash your hands, Kevin.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] Right. Oh, let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second.
Dwight K. Schrute: [also on the phone] Sensei, hello, it's Sempai. Dwight.
Jim: You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm gonna find it and then I'll call you back. Thanks. [hangs up]
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, I just had a question. Yes, Sensei. [speaks Japanese, then hangs up]
Jim: Was that your mom?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, that was my sensei.
Jim: Oh, I thought it was your mom.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.
Jim: Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool.
Dwight K. Schrute: Assistant Sensei.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year it all falls on the same Friday. That's today. I call it the perfect storm.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey, Dwight? As sempai, do you ever think that there's gonna be a day where humans and robots can peacefully coexist?
Dwight K. Schrute: Impossible. The way they're programmed- You're mocking me.
Jim: No, I'm not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, let me offer you a little piece of advice. I am not afraid to make an example out of you.
Jim: Well, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: Don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: This is not a toy. This is a message for the entire office. So that everyone can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Okay. Michael. Could you beat up Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I don't think that would happen.
Dwight K. Schrute: Because we're friends.
Michael Scott: Because I would kick his ass.
Jim: Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so...
Michael Scott: So? I've beat up black belts.
Jim: Yeah. And how did you know they were black belts?
Michael Scott: They told me after. See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch, which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll.
Ira: No, it's not.
Michael Scott: I think it is, a guy told me about that.
Ira: Actually it's a symbol for eternal discipline.

Quote from Michael Scott

Ira: Okay, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins, all right?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, Sensei.
Michael Scott: Lot of rules, lot of rules. On the street, we didn't have any rules. Maybe one. No kicks to the groin, home for dinner.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Sweep the leg.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course.
Michael Scott: And I'm happy to say that you passed. So, effective immediately, I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager, to Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: [emotional] Michael, I don't know-
Michael Scott: I know, I know, I know, I know. I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I can handle it. I can.
Michael Scott: I know.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. So, I guess, this will just be my office.
Michael Scott: No, no, title change only.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll have Pam send out a memo.
Michael Scott: No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's just not tell anybody about this right now.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just a formality.
Michael Scott: Absolutely. But not really.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, I have so much to learn from you.
Michael Scott: Yes, you do.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you. Sensei.
Michael Scott: And, ditto.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Hello.
Michael Scott: Oh, God. Busywork. Oh, get away, cretin.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Actually I'm sending Ryan on a top-secret mission. Tell her what it is.
Ryan: Updating emergency contacts.
Pam: Well, is that really a priority?
Michael Scott: Is it a priority? Oh, I don't know. What if there's a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble? Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't, because we don't have any emergency contact information, because Pam said it wasn't a priority. Think. Think with your head, Pam. Okay, well, she walks out. That's the problem with being a boss, is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you.
Ryan: Catch-22.
Michael Scott: Catch-22. Yes.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Your major and minor lines cross at a ridge. That sucks.
Jim: You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?
Pam: I am just following the website.
Jim: Well, at least I don't have cavities.
Pam: Yes, you have very nice teeth.
Jim: Thanks.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [knocks on window] Pick up!
Ryan: [answering cell phone] Hello?
Michael Scott: [in high-pitched voice] This is Mike Tyson.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And this is more of a ying-yang thing. The "Michael" is all cursives, "Scott" all caps. Left brain, right brain, or duality of man.

Quote from Toby

Ryan: Is your wife still your contact?
Toby: Ex-wife. Yeah. Her last name's Becker now.
Ryan: Okay.
Toby: You don't need to write "Ex."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Sleeper hold! Bedtime for Bonzo. You are the weakest link!

Quote from Jim

Jim: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah. Well, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who could kick his ass.
Jim: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented Armageddon, he cried at the end of it. He did.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Michael, I told you. That was because it was New Year's Eve and it started to snow at exactly midnight.
Michael Scott: [teary] "Bruce Willis, they're gonna leave him on the asteroid."

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Go away.
Pam: I just have a quick question.
Michael Scott: I haven't signed them, okay?
Pam: No, it's not that. I was just wondering, since I'm probably gonna have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late, too, so he can walk me to my car?
Michael Scott: Come in. Pam, I hate to break this to you, but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough.
Pam: He's a purple belt, that's really high.
Michael Scott: Oh, God, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I can murder him.
Pam: It's just that out there you...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You talking to me? You talking to me? Raging Bull. Pacino.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Oh, hey, Karate Kid. The Hilary Swank version. Hi. How are you?
Dwight K. Schrute: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Ryan: Okay, to what?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just put "The Hospital." Contact number, just put 911.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-MS-ing. That's pretty good.

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: [answering cell phone] Hello?
Michael Scott: [on phone, in a high-pitched voice] Hey, Ryan! This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.
Ryan: You mean Neverland?
Michael Scott: This is Tito. [laughing]
Ryan: What?
Michael Scott: Calling from-

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Just hit me, you'll see.
Jim: I can't, 'cause I just got a manicure, so-
Michael Scott: Oh, queer! ... Eye. Queer Eye, that's a good show. Important show.

Quote from Michael Scott

[Ryan holds his cell phone up to the camera and plays throug his voice messages]
Woman on the Phone: Seven new messages. First new message.
Michael Scott: Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.
Woman on the Phone: Next message.
Michael Scott: Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad.

Quote from Ryan

Michael Scott: My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Know what the "F" stands for?
Ryan: Fudge?


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