Previous Episode Next Episode 
Pam's Replacement

‘Pam's Replacement’

Season 8, Episode 7 -  Aired November 10, 2011

As Pam trains a replacement for when she's out on maternity leave, she worries people no longer find her attractive. Meanwhile, Robert joins Andy, Darryl and Kevin's band session.

Quote from Pam

Pam: The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like you're a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true. I know it sounds nuts, but I think Dwight is the only one who's telling me the truth.


Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing.

Quote from Creed

Dwight K. Schrute: Psst. We're not here. [slips a Toblerone to Creed]
Creed: Who said that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Exactly.
Creed: How'd I get this long triangle?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Toby: You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren.
Ryan: Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing?
Toby: You know what would be the hottest thing ever? Is a pregnant Helen Mirren.
Ryan: Now we're talking.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, okay, okay. No, no, no. This is disgusting. Do you realize what you're saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman?
Oscar: In this case, yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.
Phyllis: No, we're not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That's right. You're fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Look at her. Even I want some fries with that shake.
Jim: Okay. Uh, I don't. So are we good? [Jim leaves]
Dwight K. Schrute: That's just absurd.
Pam: Yes, because she's hot, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry, come on.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Dwight, am I hot right now?
Dwight K. Schrute: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.
Pam: What about before? Was I attractive before?
Dwight K. Schrute: Eh. You were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.
Pam: Hmm. I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy.
Dwight K. Schrute: You think Jim's lying? [laughs] That's so cute. I know he's lying.
Pam: Five bucks if you can get him to admit it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Done. [Pam goes for a high five] I never touch a pregnant woman.
Pam: Yep, that's the Dwight I need.

Quote from Jim

Jim: No, I'm not worried. Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back... Yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years. But in my defense, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Jim's on to me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hmm?
Pam: Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike. We had to go through like two levels of friends to even find his profile. Jim picked someone just unattractive enough to shut me up without tipping it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just ugly enough to have deniability.
Pam: Yep.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I'm in the clear. If that wasn't for the matchmaker test, then... Cathy, he's a really nice guy.

Quote from Erin

Andy: In two minutes I want you to come into this meeting and tell me I have a really important phone call. I'm not going to take it because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me.
Erin: Who's calling?
Andy: Nobody. Just say that I'm- Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then I'm going to refuse to take it.
Erin: You're not going to take it?
Andy: Just make up a phone call. It's not a real call. Make it up.
Erin: Oh. Oh. Okay.
Andy: And come and tell me. Doesn't matter what it is.
Erin: You're not going to get it though?
Andy: I'm not going to take it. And then he's going to be like, "Whoa, this is a really important meeting".
Erin: Copy that.
Andy: [returning to the client] Okay, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now and I'll tell you how we can beat it.
Client: Uh well we've been going with...
Erin: Andy.
Andy: Yeah.
Erin: You have a very important call.
Andy: I'm sorry. I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait.
Erin: Are you sure? It's really, really important.
Andy: There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.
Erin: Really? Because your mother is dead.
Client: Oh, my God.
Andy: I don't think she's dead.
Erin: She's dead. She was hit by a bus.
Andy: She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.
Erin: This isn't one of those times. It's the police. They said it's the worst they've ever seen.

Quote from Gabe

Toby: It's going to be nice to have just a healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office.
Oscar: Yeah, aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence.
Pam: Yeah. It's going to be good to have someone hot at Pam's desk, huh?
Oscar: No, no. Not even.
Pam: I'm kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! She's obviously super cute I get it. But I'd like to point out there's 50 pounds more of me to love if that's your thing.
Oscar: Pam you look more beautiful now than ever.
Toby: Radiant.
Pam: Thank you, guys. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet.
Phyllis: Yeah, you have this sexy glow.
Gabe: It's one of the most common fetishes.

Page 2