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43Quotes from ‘Lotto’

The Office: Lotto

803. Lotto

Aired October 6, 2011

After the warehouse guys win the Lotto, Andy struggles to get Darryl to hire a replacement crew. Meanwhile, Jim, Dwight, Erin and Kevin try their hand at warehouse work.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I've never been lucky. And I'm not talking about the lottery, I'm talking about stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything?

Quote from Creed

Creed: I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I think I would keep working. And for my salary I guess I would take like a dollar a year. I mean, obviously I wouldn't come in till noon and I wouldn't do anything I didn't wanna do. I mean, I'm getting paid a dollar a year, okay? You can chill.

Quote from Toby

Toby: I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast, The Flenderson Files. Dum-bum-buh. [whispers] Flenderson files.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: When did I get so fat?
Andy: You look awesome.
Darryl: I didn't hire anyone if that's why you're here.
Andy: Where are we in the process?
Darryl: I have a file of applicants here. I just gotta open it, look at it, interview a bunch of guys, hire some of 'em. So I'd say we're in the early stages of the process.
Andy: Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?
Darryl: The guys did invite me out to celebrate but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.
Andy: You do have a fantastic basement.
Darryl: I did. I did have a fantastic basement. Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement and taco air is heavy. Settles at the lowest point.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I didn't have time because of my daughter.
Andy: Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic and a Mediterranean cooking class.
Darryl: Hey, I'm not gonna tell you this stuff if you gonna throw it back in my face.
Andy: Hey. Here's the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed. [long pause]
Darryl: Okay.
Andy: Okay, what?
Darryl: Okay, don't fire me.
Andy: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: My future's not gonna be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's gonna be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do.

Quote from Kelly

Oscar: Okay, we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous.
Andy: Oscar, it's not that hot out.
Darryl: A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven.
Andy: Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone and it's not in direct sunlight.
Kelly: So what, Andy, you wanna just let him die, you scumbag?

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Here, I'm gonna get in my car. When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog.

Quote from Oscar

Jim: So, uh, who's gonna take the dog?
Oscar: Why would we take the dog?
Jim: What if he jumps out the window and runs away?
Oscar: Jim, he's not gonna star- [Dog lunges for the open window]
Meredith: Whoa!
Oscar: Shh! Shh! Stay there, stay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Nein. Sit. Gut.
Jim: Oscar, what do you wanna do, this is kinda your deal. You wanna dog?
Oscar: [Oscar pokes holes in cardboard now taped over window] There we go. That should do it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And then they quit! And no one else can focus. This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work, I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool. They won ... playing my birthday.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery. This will not end well. Right?
Phyllis: Yeah.
Meredith: We're lookin' at at least one suicide and one weird sex thing.
Oscar: At least.

Quote from Andy

Andy: That is not Darryl. I don't know where Darryl is. I suspect, probably, our Darryl is inside of fat Darryl.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Welcome, everybody! My name is Andy and this is my other brother Darryl. [no one laughs] What? No Newhart fans?

Quote from Darryl

Andy: Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off?
Darryl: You mean what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery?
Female Applicant: Your old crew won the lottery?
Andy: Does anyone have experience? Shelving, storing, keeping track. What do we use, the Dewey Decimal system?
Male Applicant 1: Wait, wait. So all the old guys quit?
Darryl: Oh, yeah.
Andy: Well-
Darryl: One of 'em, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club, but on a boat. And Hide is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals.

Quote from Darryl

Andy: Alright! Thank you for coming back in, again. Uh, now we're gonna ask you a few questions. Darryl, you have the floor.
Darryl: Why do you wanna work here?
Male Applicant 1: I need a job.
Darryl: That's not a good reason.
Andy: Good. Keeping 'em honest.
Darryl: Don't just take the first job that comes your way. 'cause next thing you know, it's ten years later and you're still there. Could write your obituary tomorrow, it's not gonna change.
Andy: Are we scaring them straight?
Darryl: I hope so. Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Can you make ten copies of this for me?
Pam: No.
Ryan: Why not? What are you doing?
Pam: Uh, buying lottery tickets online.
Ryan: [laughs] Ah, everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it.
Pam: You came in at 10:30 today, right?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, they whipped people, which was helpful. But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge or Hide
Jim: Yeah [laughs, then notices camera] Not that they're not smart people.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no. Very smart. Uh, theirs is more of a physical intelligence.
Jim: I'd go with that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Like baboons or elephants.
Jim: Not that.

Quote from Andy

Andy: So Darryl says to me "fire me", but what he really means is, "I'm gonna say something really weird, try to figure out what it means." So I say, "No, you're not fired." But what I really mean is, "I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm gonna go ahead and hire some people for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better." I really hope that's what he and I mean.

Quote from Oscar

Andy: Attention! Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse? We can pay. Come on Oscar, who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy.
Oscar: Bulk or definition?
Andy: Definition.
Oscar: Bruce Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness.
Andy: Are those just show muscles? Or is he really strong?
Oscar: Oh, he's plenty strong.
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy Dean. Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves and uh, and his triceps went to hell.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Gideon. You are a PhD candidate studying America's diminishing blue-collar workforce?
Gideon: North America. And, diminishing is a little reductive, but, uh, sure. That's the headline version.
Andy: Great. Well, it'll bring a fresh new perspective to the warehouse.
Gideon: FYI, Wednesday through Friday I have a pretty full teaching schedule.
Andy: Eh, cool. We'll figure that out.
Nate: Also, FYI,I don't technically have a hearing problem, but sometimes when there's a lot of noises occurring uh at the same time, I'll hear 'em as one big jumble. Uh, again it's not that I can't hear, uh because that's false. I can. Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.
Andy: Got it. Duly noted. You! [points to Bruce] Coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that?
Bruce: Made it.
Andy: So cool! What a cross-section we have here. That's what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldn't ordinarily meet or know or even talk to.

Quote from Andy

Darryl: Would you just fire me, man?
Andy: Why? Because you didn't win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy?
Darryl: You wanna make me happy? Huh?
Andy: Yeah.
Darryl: Give me your job.
Andy: Haha, what?
Darryl: I'll do it better than you. I earned it. I deserve it. I got passed over, God knows why. Reasons I cannot and will not understand. The job was mine Andy. Everyone said it was mine. Make me manager or fire me.
Andy: I'm not gonna give you my job. It's my job! I earned it! And here's the thing, you weren't even next in line. I asked about you, I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people and you hired Glenn, your buddy, to replace you in the warehouse. He was under qualified. They saw that.
Nate: Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but uh, you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem, it's just when there's a lot of noises...
Andy: Nate! Please....thank you. [to Darryl] You have no business education, you were gonna take classes under Deangelo, what happened to that?
Darryl: He died.
Andy: He didn't die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive and I'd be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven't asked me about it?

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Can you believe this?
Erin: There's a dog in the car.
Oscar: You can't leave a dog in a parked car. Snowboarder, it figures.
Jim: Do Snowboarders hate animals?
Oscar: I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car.

Quote from Darryl

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna give him something to drink. Come here, doggy. Come on.
Jim: Dwight! At least aim it.
Dwight K. Schrute: There you go! Here doggy! He's not even trying. Come here doggy, come on.
Andy: We're losing cloud cover.
Kelly: Oh, don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick.
Darryl: Hey, hey, hey. Vick did his time.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: [answering phone] Hello? ... Justine! [laughs] Nice surprise! How you doin' baby? Nah. No, no, I didn't win. When I got promoted I stop- What? Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won. Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him. Congratulate him, that'll be- What? Oh, his number's in your old phone. Oh, you know what? I might have it right- [hangs up] Whoops.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I mean, I don't even know what I'd do with all that money.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know what you'd do with all that money. [imitating Jim] "Hey Pam, let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug."
Jim: No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine, build a house, work in town. Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to. I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop or kayak to my job at the bike shop.
Pam: And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?
Jim: Whoa. Saucy. I thought you liked Maine?

Quote from Pam

Pam: I think we should get a townhouse in SoHo...
Ryan: SoHo's mostly lofts, but okay.
Pam: And then every morning, I'd walk out on to my terrace and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city. You know? And just gather ideas for my painting...
Kelly: Oh, god.
Pam: And then my handsome husband-
Jim: Which ideally would be me.
Pam: Would bring me a flavored coffee.
Jim: Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy?
Pam: Well, in your fantasy we're Stephen King characters.
Jim: I don't know about Stephen King, I mean...

Quote from Andy

Andy: Are you kidding me?! Guys, if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I'm gonna change my tone. [lowers voice] To down here like Mr. T. and this will get seriously annoying. I feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day. [normal voice] Darryl, how we doin' on the new warehouse guys?

Quote from Oscar

Andy: Alright, well until we have a new crew, let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty. Who's in?
Erin: As long as you guys don't need me up here.
Phyllis: No, we don't
Dwight K. Schrute: I think we'll be fine.
Oscar: Really, nobody's gonna help her? Is chivalry dead?
Andy: Are you volunteering?
Oscar: Of course. I would. But my hip... I would kill to be at a hundred percent.

Quote from Jim

Andy: Jim! How 'bout you?
Jim: Uh, yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should go down with you...
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey. Okay, no. No. That. You are so not- Oh, God. [grunts] False. Andy, I will volunteer.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: Great. And Kevin.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: Good old Kevin. He'll do anything. Well, guess what? I will not do a good job.

Quote from Angela

Pam: Oh, thank you.
Angela: Sure.
Pam: Wait, wait. What's this?
Angela: Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess your baby's birth weight pool.
Pam: It says "Lotto Pool", right on top.
Angela: Yeah. And I said sorry.
Pam: Oh come on. You really think I'm gonna have a fourteen pound baby?

Quote from Andy

Darryl: I'm good. I'm here. Let's find some warehouse workers.
Andy: Good. Great. Then can you say things that aren't like a huge bummer to everybody? Cause the more I talk, the more they're gonna realize I don't know what I'm talking about.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Is everyone licensed?
Male Applicant 2: Like a driver's license?
Andy: No. Warehouse license....Masters in warehouse sciences? I- I feel like Darryl has talked about a license of some kind.
Female Applicant: Is this a joke?
Andy: No. Not joking. This is real. Painfully real, what is happening right now.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Guys! When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Then really made them laugh.
Jim: It's a great idea, Kev, I don't think it applies here though, so maybe we just-
Kevin: Yeah, we move stuff and it was fun.
Dwight K. Schrute: Kevin! Doesn't apply.
Kevin: Right. My mom-
Erin: You need to drop it, okay? They hate it. I like it a lot, but they hate it so drop it!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap? You'll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap obviously. Um...
Male Applicant 1: How much longer is this gonna take?

Quote from Jim

Pam: So. I've been thinking, after we win the lottery, we take our winnings....
Jim: Our fake winnings
Pam: And we move to the south of France. See? No, there's plenty of bicycling for you. I think that's where they do the Tour de France.
Jim: It is, yeah. I mean I just don't know why I'm compromising if it's my fantasy. Cause in my fantasy, it's Maine and you love it.
Pam: Because I'm never gonna act like that, even in your fantasy.
Jim: Nope. You're, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Kevin: So I found this grease. And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea.
Erin: You did say it was a great idea. I heard you say it!
Jim: So, it's not the dumbest idea.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's not the greatest one either...
Jim: But, the fact remains we gotta move these boxes.
Dwight K. Schrute: And it's clear we're not going to carry them.
Jim: So sadly, it's the best idea on the table.
Dwight K. Schrute: Exactly.
Kevin: I think we're ready to give thi- [Kevin slips on grease and falls] Jim?
Jim: Is he okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yep. He'll be fine.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: What is going on?
Kevin: Oh, hey guys.
Darryl: Why is the forklift in the wall?
Andy: Why is the truck empty?
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, it's not totally empty.
Darryl: Is that grease on my floor?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I can see why you're angry, you're coming into this cold. But believe me a lot of thought went into this.

Quote from Kevin

Darryl: And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease?
Kevin: Okay, Darryl, listen and then you will understand. The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing so now it's cool cause we found another use for them.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Okay, alright, that's- Look. All we were trying to do is we thought we could come up with a more efficient way to do things.
Darryl: And?
Erin: And we did.
Jim: I don't know.
Erin: Jim, tell them what it's called.
Jim: That's alright.
Kevin: No, Jim, tell 'em what the name is.
Jim: Doesn't matter what the name is. Señor Loadenstein. That's stupid.
Kevin: [laughing] Señor Loadenstein. Tell 'em why it's called that, Jim.
Jim: That's okay, we're good.
Erin: Jim...
Andy: No, Jim. Tell us why it's called Señor Loadenstein.
Jim: Porque es muy rapido.

Quote from Pam

Pam: We came to an agreement. We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain.
Jim: Right. It's city and country combined.
Pam: Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world.
Jim: And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio. And we can chat any time we want.
Pam: Just like now.
Jim: Just like now. Too bad the schools are terrible.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: But what are you gonna do about that?
Pam: What are you gonna do?


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