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42Quotes from ‘The Carpet’

The Office: The Carpet

214. The Carpet

Aired January 26, 2006

Michael is upset when a package is left on the floor of his office.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh... No. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

Quote from Pam

Pam: Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get 10 vacation days a year and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible. And this year I got to the third week in January.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it. It makes sense. [laughing] But it was still wrong.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello, am I the 107th caller? [hangs up, picks up again] Hello, Rock 107, am I the 107th caller? [again] Hello, Rock 107, am I the 107th caller? [to Michael] I'm totally gonna win us that box set.
Michael Scott: Stop.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jethro Tull.
Michael Scott: Stop it. Stop it. Don't. Don't.
Dwight K. Schrute: I need to make a sales call. Please?
Michael Scott: All right.
Dwight K. Schrute: [on the phone] Am I the 107th caller?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Is this done?
Darryl: Nope.
Michael Scott: Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you'd be fired like that.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Who do you think did it?
Oscar: Are you kidding? I thought it was you.
Creed: Really? I thought you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're not doing this today.
Pam: That doesn't seem fair.
Michael Scott: You want to talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus, I just I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage.
Dwight K. Schrute: But you're the one who picked today.
Michael Scott: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael Scott: Well, I hated it a lot, okay.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together. But don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows?

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: Do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed: Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?
Michael Scott: How would I know?
Creed: I thought you might.
Michael Scott: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael Scott: I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, somebody did something in my office and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me.
Ed Truck: Well, what was done?
Michael Scott: I didn't get a good look at it, but it smells horrible.
Ed Truck: Yeah, somebody once did that in my office.
Michael Scott: Really?
Ed Truck: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Well, that figures. So, how did you deal with people not liking you?
Ed Truck: You can't expect to be friends with everybody.
Michael Scott: Well, sure I can.
Ed Truck: No. They'll always think of you as a boss first.
Michael Scott: Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father.
Ed Truck: I'm not sure that ever happens.
Michael Scott: Well, okay. Different management styles.
Ed Trucky: Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends?

Quote from Pam

Pam: [on answer machine] Hey, Jim, it's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back. [beep]
Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator. [beep]
Sudoku. Level, moderate. Time, 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert. [beep]
I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is- Okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would have happened. So, thank you. [beep]
Hey, what's that word we made up for when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe. [beep]
Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early and I'm not messing this up. So, I'll see you tomorrow. [beep]
Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Jim's been looking at me, kind of, a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It's still stinky.
Michael Scott: That is worse.
Dwight K. Schrute: She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually. So this is sort of like my audition tape. [clearing throat] I can't stand it. I can't stay in here another second. No!

Quote from Kelly

Jim: Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Are you moving back here?
Jim: Just for the day, while Michael's at my desk.
Kelly: Because Toby used to sit there, but then he had to move over there because of an allergy.
Jim: Allergy to the desk?
Kelly: Weird.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones-

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Oh, my God, he is so cute. Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me?
Jim: Oh, no, I don't think I can-
Kelly: Oh, please, Jim. Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please, he's so cute. I like him so much. And I would do it, but I'm too shy. Please, Jim. Please, please, please. Please, Jim. Please, please, please.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Sales rules!
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes!
Michael Scott: Yeah! Yeah!
Dwight K. Schrute: Should we help them pick up their stuff?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Watch out, Pam. You're next.
Pam: You're gonna throw my things on the ground?
Michael Scott: Maybe.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You guys just are working for the weekend, aren't you? I am working for the week. Sales team. Listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit, literally. Right here I'm gonna put a crisp $100 bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Seventy, eighty, one, two, three. $83. Still a lot of money and I'm going to I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done. Very well, then you're all punished.
Pam: What's our punishment?
Michael Scott: You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. [phone rings] No, no!

Quote from Jim

Jim: Are you interested in her?
Ryan: Yeah, totally.
Jim: Really? Did she say something?
Ryan: She said lots of things.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice. And she set a date for the wedding with Roy. June.Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Spamster!
Pam: Pam, plus Spam, plus-
Michael Scott: Hamster.
Pam: Right.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Welcome back. How was your vacation?
Pam: It was great.
Michael Scott: Yeah? Did you get lucky? Boink.

Quote from Toby

Michael Scott: I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that there.
Toby: That's no burst pipe.
Michael Scott: How do you know that?

Quote from Creed

Creed: Hey, guys. Somebody making soup?

Quote from Jim

Jim: What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: [laughing] It wasn't me. [seriously] Uh, it wasn't me. It was not me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ed Truck. Yuck. Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, "Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us, so stop having fun. Start pretending to do work." What a jerk. He's You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up. 'cause aren't all hangers, like, that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So, now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and I walk around the piles to get an outfit-

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When I was in training, many years ago, not so long ago, I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer. And together we rocked the office. Packer and I once spent a whole day with our pants off. And when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Stanley: Excuse me one second, please? What is it that you need right now that can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer?
Michael Scott: Ooh, a customer. Well, sound the alarm. [chuckling] Okay.

Quote from Creed

Creed: What did you hit me for?
Michael Scott: Charley horse!
Creed: What?
Michael Scott: Charley horse!
Creed: You shouldn't have hit me, Michael.

Quote from Ryan

Jim: Let me ask you something. It's actually a little awkward.
Ryan: What?
Jim: What do you think of Kelly?
Ryan: I don't know. It depends if you like a little junk in- Um. She's really cool.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's God, these people are so- These are good people. We have fun. We just have fun. Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like, a minute. The guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.

Quote from Todd

Michael Scott: [answering the phone] Yes.
Todd: Hello, yes, I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Who is this? How did you get this number?
Todd: Your mom, you gay nerd.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack, how you doing?

Quote from Todd

Todd: Hey, listen, did you get that package I left for you?
Michael Scott: Uh. No. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it?
Todd: It was pretty big.
Michael Scott: Really?
Todd: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?
Todd: Look in the middle of your office.
Michael Scott: Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office?
Roy: You mean, the thing?
[Packer laughing]

Quote from Todd

Michael Scott: Are you kidding me? Oh.
Todd: Special delivery.
Michael Scott: That was Packer! You are dead! You are dead, my friend. That is hilarious. Oh, God! Of course it was you.
Todd: Sit on the throne, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh. Yeah! Yeah! Oh, my God! It was Packer!


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