Dwight K. Schrute: Listen up. Let's start from the ground up. Where does paper come from?
Kevin: Trees.
Dwight K. Schrute: Trees. And where do trees grow?
Kevin: Forests.
Dwight K. Schrute: Soil. Right. We have in front of you here seven different types of Pennsylvania topsoil. Now, what would you say is the most important element in the production of above-ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? Wrong. It's nitrogen. Absorb this information.

Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's pretty shocking.

Dwight K. Schrute: Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

Dwight K. Schrute: I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?
Andy: White. Because it contains all other colors.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
Andy: You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.
Dwight K. Schrute: What is the capital of Maine?
Andy: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York where I went to Cornell.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't want to hear about it. Forget your personal history and learn the history of this company.
Andy: Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.
Andy: I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?

Phyllis: I think it's going to be Michael.
Oscar: Do you really think he's qualified for that job?
Phyllis: No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now and he got that one.

Pam: I haven't heard anything. But I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart. Everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just- We never got the timing right. You know, I shot him down and then he did the same to me and- But you know what, it's okay. I'm totally fine. Everything is going to be totally-
Jim: Pam. Sorry. Are you free for dinner tonight?
Pam: Yes.
Jim: All right. Then it's a date.
Pam: [to camera] I'm sorry. What was the question?

Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jim: Oh, hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am going to be your new boss. It is my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Checkout time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim: Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.
Jim: Okay. Just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the Devil.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim: Go.
Dwight K. Schrute: $80,000 a year.

Dwight K. Schrute: You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk, even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.
Pam: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated. You wouldn't understand. I want you to be assistant regional manager.
Pam: Really?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, in a sense. Although, publicly, I am going to retain the assistant regional manager position.
Pam: You will be your own assistant?
Dwight K. Schrute: Correct. I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills.
Pam: Okay. So you would be the regional manager and the assistant regional manager, Andy is your number two. I would be the secret assistant regional manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's call it secret assistant to the regional manager. Do you accept?
Pam: Absolutely I do.

Pam: I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you if you accept something secret, you reply, "Absolutely I do."

Dwight K. Schrute: Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley, when rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous state?
Stanley: Liquid.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very good. You have earned one Schrute Buck.
Stanley: I don't want it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then you have been deducted fifty Schrute Bucks.
Stanley: Make it 100.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't you want to earn Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.