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‘The Job’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

The Office: The Job

324. The Job

Aired May 17, 2007

As Michael, Jim and Karen head to New York to apply for a job at corporate, Dwight takes charge in Scranton.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen up. Let's start from the ground up. Where does paper come from?
Kevin: Trees.
Dwight K. Schrute: Trees. And where do trees grow?
Kevin: Forests.
Dwight K. Schrute: Soil. Right. We have in front of you here seven different types of Pennsylvania topsoil. Now, what would you say is the most important element in the production of above-ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? Wrong. It's nitrogen. Absorb this information.

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Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's pretty shocking.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?
Andy: White. Because it contains all other colors.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
Andy: You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.
Dwight K. Schrute: What is the capital of Maine?
Andy: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York where I went to Cornell.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't want to hear about it. Forget your personal history and learn the history of this company.
Andy: Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.
Andy: I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I think it's going to be Michael.
Oscar: Do you really think he's qualified for that job?
Phyllis: No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now and he got that one.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jim: Oh, hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am going to be your new boss. It is my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Checkout time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim: Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.
Jim: Okay. Just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the Devil.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim: Go.
Dwight K. Schrute: $80,000 a year.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk, even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.
Pam: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated. You wouldn't understand. I want you to be assistant regional manager.
Pam: Really?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, in a sense. Although, publicly, I am going to retain the assistant regional manager position.
Pam: You will be your own assistant?
Dwight K. Schrute: Correct. I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills.
Pam: Okay. So you would be the regional manager and the assistant regional manager, Andy is your number two. I would be the secret assistant regional manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's call it secret assistant to the regional manager. Do you accept?
Pam: Absolutely I do.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you if you accept something secret, you reply, "Absolutely I do."

Quote from Stanley

Dwight K. Schrute: Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley, when rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous state?
Stanley: Liquid.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very good. You have earned one Schrute Buck.
Stanley: I don't want it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then you have been deducted fifty Schrute Bucks.
Stanley: Make it 100.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't you want to earn Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I haven't heard anything. But I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart. Everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just- We never got the timing right. You know, I shot him down and then he did the same to me and- But you know what, it's okay. I'm totally fine. Everything is going to be totally-
Jim: Pam. Sorry. Are you free for dinner tonight?
Pam: Yes.
Jim: All right. Then it's a date.
Pam: [to camera] I'm sorry. What was the question?

Quote from Creed

Creed: I find it offensive. Au naturel, baby. That's how I like them. Swing low, sweet chariots.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has, my brain, which I use to my advantage when advantageous.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute.
They're like kid actors tagging along with daddy on the big audition, hoping to be discovered, except daddy is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So I'm back and I am never, ever, going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place is like the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home and my graveyard for my bones.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [on the phone] Hey, Pam, yeah, I forgot what day the interview was. I drove to New York accidentally. Be, like, three hours late.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow, so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless.

Quote from Pam

Pam: After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship, too, and I would always mean a lot to him. And I understand where he's coming from. For the record, I am not embarrassed at all. It needed to be said and I said it and it only took me three years to summon the courage. So, thank you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott: Yes. The time has come to name my own replacement. So, please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: But that's my name. [opening letter, reading] "Dwight, congratulations, a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch." [sobbing] Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early because we wanted to spend the night in the city.
Michael Scott: Why, so you can do it?
Jim: Whoops.
Michael Scott: No, well, I was thinking that, actually, we can all leave tomorrow and do a convoy, you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger. Moon each other.
Jim: Uh. We're going to go tonight, but we're going to see you there tomorrow morning, right?
Michael Scott: All right. All right. Your loss.
Karen: Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?
Michael Scott: Cruise control.
Karen: Oh.

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