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‘The Job’ Quotes

The Office: The Job

324. The Job

Aired May 17, 2007

As Michael, Jim and Karen head to New York to apply for a job at corporate, Dwight takes charge in Scranton.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen up. Let's start from the ground up. Where does paper come from?
Kevin: Trees.
Dwight K. Schrute: Trees. And where do trees grow?
Kevin: Forests.
Dwight K. Schrute: Soil. Right. We have in front of you here seven different types of Pennsylvania topsoil. Now, what would you say is the most important element in the production of above-ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? Wrong. It's nitrogen. Absorb this information.

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Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's pretty shocking.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?
Andy: White. Because it contains all other colors.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
Andy: You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.
Dwight K. Schrute: What is the capital of Maine?
Andy: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York where I went to Cornell.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't want to hear about it. Forget your personal history and learn the history of this company.
Andy: Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.
Andy: I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I think it's going to be Michael.
Oscar: Do you really think he's qualified for that job?
Phyllis: No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now and he got that one.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jim: Oh, hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am going to be your new boss. It is my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Checkout time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim: Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.
Jim: Okay. Just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the Devil.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim: Go.
Dwight K. Schrute: $80,000 a year.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk, even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.
Pam: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated. You wouldn't understand. I want you to be assistant regional manager.
Pam: Really?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, in a sense. Although, publicly, I am going to retain the assistant regional manager position.
Pam: You will be your own assistant?
Dwight K. Schrute: Correct. I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills.
Pam: Okay. So you would be the regional manager and the assistant regional manager, Andy is your number two. I would be the secret assistant regional manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's call it secret assistant to the regional manager. Do you accept?
Pam: Absolutely I do.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you if you accept something secret, you reply, "Absolutely I do."

Quote from Stanley

Dwight K. Schrute: Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley, when rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous state?
Stanley: Liquid.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very good. You have earned one Schrute Buck.
Stanley: I don't want it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then you have been deducted fifty Schrute Bucks.
Stanley: Make it 100.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't you want to earn Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I haven't heard anything. But I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart. Everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just- We never got the timing right. You know, I shot him down and then he did the same to me and- But you know what, it's okay. I'm totally fine. Everything is going to be totally-
Jim: Pam. Sorry. Are you free for dinner tonight?
Pam: Yes.
Jim: All right. Then it's a date.
Pam: [to camera] I'm sorry. What was the question?

Quote from Creed

Creed: I find it offensive. Au naturel, baby. That's how I like them. Swing low, sweet chariots.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has, my brain, which I use to my advantage when advantageous.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute.
They're like kid actors tagging along with daddy on the big audition, hoping to be discovered, except daddy is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [on the phone] Hey, Pam, yeah, I forgot what day the interview was. I drove to New York accidentally. Be, like, three hours late.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow, so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless.

Quote from Pam

Pam: After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship, too, and I would always mean a lot to him. And I understand where he's coming from. For the record, I am not embarrassed at all. It needed to be said and I said it and it only took me three years to summon the courage. So, thank you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott: Yes. The time has come to name my own replacement. So, please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: But that's my name. [opening letter, reading] "Dwight, congratulations, a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch." [sobbing] Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early because we wanted to spend the night in the city.
Michael Scott: Why, so you can do it?
Jim: Whoops.
Michael Scott: No, well, I was thinking that, actually, we can all leave tomorrow and do a convoy, you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger. Moon each other.
Jim: Uh. We're going to go tonight, but we're going to see you there tomorrow morning, right?
Michael Scott: All right. All right. Your loss.
Karen: Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?
Michael Scott: Cruise control.
Karen: Oh.

Quote from Creed

Oscar: Hey, Pam, I've been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship.
Pam: That's very funny.
Stanley: I've never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly.
Kelly: Are you kidding? I would never have done that. It was Patheticville. No offense, Pam.
Meredith: You know what, don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said.
Creed: I remember. I blogged the whole thing.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts Check it out.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There they are, the accounting department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated as was I. It went for 80% of what I paid. Sold in record time.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, DEFCON 10. Houston, we have a problem.
Pam: What do you want me to do?
Michael Scott: I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room, Phyllis, Angela, Karen.
Pam: What about Meredith?
Michael Scott: No. She's an alternate.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I I tried calling, but I kept getting voicemail.
Michael Scott: Weird.
Jan: Yeah.
Michael Scott: I didn't get both of your messages.

Quote from Pam

Pam: No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around that one time.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than to the front.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'm happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche, and I know saying it sounds cliche sounds cliche. Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care because I am what I am. That's Popeye.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, everybody, the next time you see me I will be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, I would like to start saying my goodbyes. [playing "Kind & Generous" on a tape recorder] Okay. Good night and good luck.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen up. Come to the center of the room, please. This is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks equals an extra five minutes for lunch.
Pam: What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?
Dwight K. Schrute: Excellent question, Pam. One one-hundredth of a cent.
Oscar: So, 10,000 of your dollars is worth one real dollar?
Dwight K. Schrute: Just- Zip your lid. Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work-related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded do-goodedness. No longer. No more meetings.
Stanley: Amen.
Dwight K. Schrute: Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper.
Kevin: Do we have to?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices and his name is me. Conference room, 10 seconds. All of you!

Quote from Karen

Karen: So that's my basic five-year plan and then after that who knows?
David: Okay. Now, this may seem like an odd question.
Karen: Yeah?
David: What do you think about Michael Scott?
Karen: He's a very nice man. And he's very well-suited for the job he has now.
David: This is off the record.
Karen: He would be a disaster.

Quote from Jan

Jan: You son of a bitch.
David: Jan, this isn't the time. I'm in an interview-
Jan: You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off?
David: Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.
Jan: Erratic?
David: Recently, you don't even show an interest in your work. You smoke constantly in your office, you spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days, always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you-
Jan: Is it because of these?
Michael Scott: Whoa, hey, whoa, Jan.
Jan: Is it- No, I want to know! I want to know! Because if it is, then- Then I will see you in court.
David: It's not. It's not.
Jan: No. Because he likes them, okay? He likes them. And that is- That is all I care about.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: It's like I'm staring into my soul when I look at this wall.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's like outer space without the stars. It's so black.
Andy: This is going to look so awesome.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's so intimidating. Anyone who comes in here is going to have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
Andy: Totally!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So I am going to give her a ride home. Let me know about the job.
David: Actually, Michael, I think we're going to take it in another direction.
Michael Scott: Good. I'm glad we're on the same page. I have a lot of ideas for new directions.
David: No, we're not giving you the job.
Michael Scott: ... You know what? That is actually good because I don't think I could take my girlfriend's job. That's not being a good boyfriend. So I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration. Do you accept my withdrawal?
Dwight K. Schrute: I do.
Michael Scott: Good. Very good. I'm glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Good. That's all I ever wanted.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: What am I going to do?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Well, I guess you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. I would probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile, but...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [as Terminator] I'll be back. And I am back.
Pam: How did it go?
Michael Scott: No, no, Pam. [as Kevin Nealon] I'm back for good. Kevin Nealon. Everybody, may I have your attention please? It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you, I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job. I know, I know, I know. Michael, what are you thinking? You were a shoo-in. Well I got down there, I nailed the interview and the strangest thing happened.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So I'm back and I am never, ever, going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place is like the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home and my graveyard for my bones.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Pam, hello.
Pam: Dwight, hello.
Dwight K. Schrute: I wanted to thank you for helping me when you held the title of secret assistant to the regional manager. You served the office with great dignity.
[Pam salutes Dwight. Dwight returns the honor.]

Quote from Ryan

David: [on the phone] So I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty, but after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. Great. I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.
[in Scranton:]
Ryan: I'm excited, too. Okay. Bye.
Kelly: Who was that?
Ryan: Nobody. You and I are done.
Kelly: What?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Okay. That's it! Class is canceled. Everybody out!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, wait, what are you doing?
Andy: I'm punishing them.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no, no. Class is not canceled.
Pam: Hey! Come on! Let's listen to Dwight's presentation.
[Dwight winks at Pam]
Oscar: What- What are you winking for?
Dwight K. Schrute: Zip your lid!


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