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39Quotes from ‘The Surplus’

The Office: The Surplus

510. The Surplus

Aired December 4, 2008

Michael doesn't want to disappoint anyone when the Scranton branch has a budget surplus which needs to be spent immediately.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, you should know that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.

Quote from Andy

Andy: We're getting married at Schrute farms, no matter what. I have looked at 12 venues. I have lost 8 deposits. And I have seen Angela naked zero times. I am not losing another deposit.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute farms.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, do tell.
Andy: I mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left."
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-huh.
Andy: "Walk until you hear the bee hive."
Dwight K. Schrute: How could it be more clear?
Angela: I think Andy makes an excellent point. But my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom.
Dwight K. Schrute: We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.
Angela: Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, we're gonna put out stumps. Come on.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.
Andy: Mmm. Mmm. What's that smell?
Dwight K. Schrute: You're gonna need to be more specific.
Angela: Manure. Get rid of it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughter house.
Angela: Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?
Dwight K. Schrute: You want to eat, don't you?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?
Angela: No, I haven't thought of it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard.
Angela: I would like a cat.
Dwight K. Schrute: Cats don't make butter.
Angela: I would like a cow butter sculpture of a cat.
Dwight K. Schrute: It doesn't make any sense. I'm telling you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: Here are our final actual costs for this year.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Oscar: As you can see, we did pretty well.
Michael Scott: Yes, I can see that we did indeed. Why don't you explain this to me like I am an 8-year-old?
Oscar: All right. Well, this is the overall budget for this fiscal year along the x-axis.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Oscar: Right there.
Michael Scott: Yes, there's the "x-axix."
Oscar: You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4,300.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh. Okay.
Oscar: We have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next year's budget.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five?
Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you $10 to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only cost you $9.
Michael Scott: Oh!
Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what?
Michael Scott: Next summer I'll be six.
Oscar: And you ask them for money, they're gonna give you $9, 'cause that's what they think it costs to run the stand. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now, so that your parents think that it costs $10 to run the stand.
Michael Scott: So the dollar's a surplus. This is a surplus.
Oscar: We have to spend that $4,300 by the end of the day or it'll be deducted from next year's budget.
Michael Scott: [whistling]
Oscar: We should spend this money on a new copier which we desperately need.
Michael Scott: Okay, break it down in terms of- Okay, I think I'm getting you.

Quote from Toby

Toby: We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have radon coming from below. We have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
Michael Scott: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Toby: You'll see.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: So Michael, what do you think?
Michael Scott: Why me?
Jim: You have to make the decision.
Michael Scott: Wow. Okay. Well, I swallowed all your ideas. I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end.

Quote from Pam

Pam: So, I've been thinking about this whole chair/copier thing.
Jim: Uh-huh.
Pam: I really think you should reconsider.
Jim: Oh, Pam, I really hate that copier.
Pam: Yeah, I know. But I really think you should reconsider.
Jim: Beesly, are you threatening me?
Pam: Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. I'm not threatening you. I love you. [whispering] But you should know you're on very dangerous ground.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Uh, Dwight, if we pay extra could you slaughter the entrees the day before?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll consider it.
Andy: See? That's how you do it! Making progress here. [Andy steps in manure] Darn!
Dwight K. Schrute: There's a hose out back.
Andy: Okay.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What is this? All right. We're all on the same team. Is it- [Andy steps in manure again] Damn, why is that in the kitchen?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Here's another place. It's beautiful. So... Why don't we try this out? We'll see what would happen. Give it a little test drive. What do you say? You pretend to be Angela's father. You will play Angela, and I'll pretend to be you. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here.
[Andy starts whistling Pachelbel's "Canon in D"]
Andy: Hello, I'm Angela Martin. And I work with Dwight.
Andy: I'm Andy.
Dwight K. Schrute: He doesn't understand a word you're saying. Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... [Dwight speaks German to the minister. The minister then begins speaking in German] And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, "I do." And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply...
Angela: I do.
Dwight K. Schrute: And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand-
Hank: I know what a surplus is.
Michael Scott: Okay, good. Good. Well, here's the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs.
Hank: Is that the copier?
Michael Scott: It is, yes.
Hank: Mmm.
Michael Scott: What?
Hank: Just thinking. Let me see a chair.
Pam: You can try mine.
Michael Scott: There we go.
Hank: Huh. Not much lumbar support.
Michael Scott: Now, everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party.
Hank: On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do.
Michael Scott: So the copier.
Hank: Let me finish. Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair.
Michael Scott: Well, what should I do?
Hank: Let me see the copier again.
Michael Scott: All right, get out. Get out.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Dwight, I thought I knew what I wanted. And then being here with you and the German Mennonite minister, it just all felt right. I made a mistake picking Andy.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything.
Angela: What do you mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, "I do." And I said, "I do." And Andy wasn't signing a receipt. He was signing our marriage certificate as a witness.
Angela: Dwight! That doesn't count!
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course it does.
Angela: No, it doesn't!
Dwight K. Schrute: It does in the state of Pennsylvania. Mrs. Schrute.
Angela: We are not married. Take this thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's not my fault you don't understand German. I've been telling you to take if for years!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. [making a copy] This copier is working perfectly.
Oscar: That's the original.
Michael Scott: Pam, would you stand up for a sec? [sitting down in Pam's chair] See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. Offers good support. It is erkel-nomically correct. It's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No, they sit in big piles of garbage.
Do you think they have copiers? They don't have copiers. They don't even- [standing up] God! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point is this. I have seen the light in terms of what we need and it is nothing.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Do you know?
Michael Scott: Do I know what?
Oscar: I think you know.
Michael Scott: No.
Pam: Know what?
Phyllis: Yeah, know what?
Oscar: Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4,300 is?
Michael Scott: $645.
Kevin: Michael's a genius.
Oscar: Why did you say dollars?
Michael Scott: Because that is how my mind works.
Oscar: What's 15% of 200? [Michael is silent] Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus so he can keep 15% as a bonus.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No, I don't- This doesn't change anything. I have a very important decision to make. We need a new copier. We need new chairs. And I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Truce.
Pam: Yeah, I guess. Since I won.
Jim: You did win. You did win. Anyway, I'm gonna need three copies of each of these stapled and collated. Totally kidding. [whispering] I'm gonna need four.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Guess what, everybody? Christmas has come early this year. Oscar very smartly has discovered an extra $4,300 in the budget. Thank you, Oscar. And I have decided with that money I am going to buy a new.... Drum roll, please. [drum roll] Can anybody guess?
Pam: New chairs?
Michael Scott: No. A new copier. Unless everybody can agree on something better?
Oscar: No, no. No, please. Please do not do this.
Pam: Yes, Michael, new chairs. These chairs are terrible. We were supposed to get new ones last year.
Michael Scott: So we all agree to get new chairs then. Good?
Pam: Good. Yeah, he said good. I'm good.

Quote from Pam

Oscar: Listen, we are a paper company. How can we take pride in our jobs if we have to put our fine paper in this wretched machine?
Pam: Oscar, this is not the time for one of your principled stands.
Oscar: Pam, you make more copies than anyone.
Pam: Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Ever since Pam and I started dating, I just feel a little weird asking her to make copies for me. So I make my own copies. And that copier sucks. Let me tell you, I- But, you know what? Pam and I don't have to agree on everything.

Quote from Creed

Meredith: Jim, good for you standing up to Pam like that.
Creed: The balls on you, man.

Quote from Pam

Pam: So I guess that's how they're gonna play this. It is on. It is so on.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Look, I really need this new chair. I mean seriously. How is it possible that in five years, I've had two engagement rings and only one chair?

Quote from Pam

Pam: Oh, that must've been so fun.
Michael Scott: It was fun. We had a good time.
Pam: Have I told you you look really nice today?
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you.
Pam: Yeah, is that a new tie?
Michael Scott: No, I got it at TJ Maxx, $4.
Pam: That is amazing.
Michael Scott: You think that's good. Check out these pants. $9.
Pam: What?
Michael Scott: $9. The boys department. Look at the ass. Check out the ass.
Pam: No way!
Michael Scott: Look at that.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Oh, so I guess Oscar and Jim were talking your ear off about the new copier, huh?
Michael Scott: Yes, they were. They were.
Pam: Here's what I was thinking. Everyone sits on a chair every day. But not everyone...
Michael Scott: Sits on a copier.
Pam: Or even uses the copier every day. Yeah, right?
Michael Scott: Very valid.
Pam: That's it. All right, see you later. Hot tie guy.

Quote from Jim

Jim: You might want to consider changing teams because we would- We would love to have you.
Pam: No, copier's great. Yeah, I have my copies and I have my original.
Jim: You got it.
Pam: So suck it.
Jim: Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: Michael, I got you a hot chocolate. I hope that's okay.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you, my dear.
Kelly: Wait, Michael. Let me open the door for you.
Michael Scott: Oh, well. Chivalry is not dead after all.
[Stanley opens the door for Michael]
Stanley: There he is!
Michael Scott: There he is! Hello, hello! Good to see you. Good to see you.
Pam: Yeah, there's that ass. Oh, yeah. Don't take it away!
Michael Scott: I almost choked.

Quote from Michael Scott

Hank: Got a call about a problem up here.
Pam: Did somebody call Hank?
Michael Scott: Hank, thank God you're here. The office is at a crossroads.
Hank: So there's no security problem? You know I hustled up the stairs.
Michael Scott: Yes, I need your sage advice.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: [on the phone] Michael?
Michael Scott: [choking] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now.
David: Is this why you're calling me?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, no. I'm calling- [choking] I'm sorry.
David: Okay.
Michael Scott: I'm calling because- We have a stupid budget surplus and people- Everybody wants something different.
David: You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?
Michael Scott: No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy.
David: Well, if I were you I'd just return the surplus and take the bonus.
Michael Scott: The what now?
David: Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings.
Michael Scott: Like a tip? $645?

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Hey, Michael, what's 394 times 5,912?

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: You're gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the office something it really needs.
Michael Scott: I don't need $645. I already have $645, more or less.
Oscar: You're gonna get us a copier then?
Pam: Or chairs.
Michael Scott: This is so, so stupid. And, God, that's my phone.
Stanley: I didn't hear a phone ringing.
Michael Scott: To be continued!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, Tuna, check it out. Tuna sandwich. Just like you.

Quote from Angela

[After Angela passionately kisses Andy in the office]
Angela: Now I have to take care of a legal issue.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Was that hot or what?

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: So what's it gonna be?
Oscar: You have to make a decision. The day is almost done.
Pam: Let me just say, you've been promising me this chair since the day you hired me.
Oscar: You are a smart guy. I know you'll do the right thing.
Michael Scott: [groans] You think it's easy?
Stanley: It's your job.
Michael Scott: Okay. You know what? Why don't you guys deal with it? I am going to get up and I'm gonna be out in the common area. But you need to decide. Otherwise, I'm taking the bonus.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides, a deadline. You know that neither of them are gonna concede. What you do is you put them in the room and you just- Hey.
Pam: Hey.
Oscar: Hey, we're going with the chairs.
Michael Scott: What?
Oscar: I just figured I'd rather have new chairs than nothing at all.
Pam: Thanks, Michael.
Michael Scott: Good work. I'm proud of you. Mother-


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