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39Quotes from ‘Branch Closing’

The Office: Branch Closing

307. Branch Closing

Aired November 9, 2006

After Jan announces that the Scranton branch is closing, Michael and Dwight go on a mission to save the office. Meanwhile, the Scranton employees ponder whether their jobs are safe.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh, it's going to be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch. But before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes from himself from the future. "Dwight, at 8:00 a.m. Today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."
[At the Scranton Branch, Dwight runs across the room and knocks a coffee cup out of Stanley's hand]
Dwight K. Schrute: No! You'll thank me later.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It is an outrage. That's all. It's- They are making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. Do you think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay! This is it! This is exactly what Michael Moore does. Famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like, "Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad, you're a bad person." It's very dramatic. Although, I can't say I was a big fan of Bowling for Columbine. Because I thought it was gonna be a bowling movie, like Kingpin. ... And it wasn't. It was something else.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo + Juliet. The Claire Danes one.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is "Something Weird is Going On: What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story". By Michael Scott with Dwight Schrute.

Quote from Angela

Angela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.

Quote from Pam

Pam: It's a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise. Sometimes at home, I answer the phone, "Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam." So, maybe that'll stop now.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: There she is. Jan Levinson first thing in the morning.
Jan: Michael.
Michael Scott: Love to start my day with a hearty bowl of Jan!
Jan: Michael.
Michael Scott: [singing] Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby-
Jan: Michael.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: It makes perfect sense that it would happen today. Because I just received this in the mail. A thousand business cards with this address and phone number.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. [chuckles] I really couldn't be happier.

Quote from Roy

Roy: I don't really want to work here without Pam. You know that Cinderella song, "You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)"? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office.
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: But do not worry. I have his home address right here.
Michael Scott: Why?
Dwight K. Schrute: Christmas card list.
Michael Scott: You send him cards? You've never met him.
Dwight K. Schrute: But when I do, we'll have something to talk about.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: This kind of worked out perfectly for me. I got some good experience, Michael's gonna write me a great recommendation. And as far as me and Kelly goes, I think it's for the best.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum... Coming home from work.
Michael Scott: Excuse me! Mr. Wallace? David Wallace?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. What is the meaning of this?
Michael Scott: Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, the branch is no longer financially viable.
Michael Scott: It's simple dollars and cents. Yes, but these are employees, sir. These are human beings.
Dwight K. Schrute: Listen, Scott. We're losing money, okay? It's not a charity, it's a business. And it's a dying business.

Quote from Kelly

Pam: Overall, though, we still all have our jobs, so good news, right?
Ryan: Oh, yeah, totally.
Kelly: I am so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan! It is the best day of my whole life!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: All right. Favorite moments in Dunder Mifflin history. Go.
Dwight K. Schrute: My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with the fire extinguisher.
Michael Scott: That was hilarious. The foam.
Dwight K. Schrute: My first sale. My promotion to assistant regional manager. Our basketball game. And when you took me to the hospital and told me that you cared about me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, my God!
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Stamford is closed! Michael, we're not closed! Stamford is closed! Stamford is closed!
Michael Scott: Is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: We did it!
Michael Scott: We did it! We did it!
Dwight K. Schrute: You did it!
Michael Scott: We did it! We did it!

Quote from Jan

Jan: I'm here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.
Michael Scott: I don't understand.
Jan: The Board voted last night to close your branch.
Michael Scott: On whom's authority?
Jan: The Board's.
Michael Scott: What?
Jan: I'm very sorry. I don't relish telling you this. You've been a big part of this company, and the Board asked me to thank you for your years of service.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Jan: A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch and the rest will be getting severance packages.
Michael Scott: Am I a "small number" person or a "severance package" person?
Jan: Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet. But you're a "severance package" person.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't- I don't get it, because our numbers aren't that bad, things are looking up.
Jan: It's not all about numbers, Michael. It's about talent.
Michael Scott: Oh, you gotta- Josh?
Jan: Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future.
Michael Scott: Oh, really. What role is that? King of the stupid universe?

Quote from Andy

Karen: Hey, did you hear about your friends in Pennsylvania? Rumor has it that the Scranton branch is-
Jim: Really? Wow, that's bad.
Andy: Sorry. Scranton branch is closing? In your face.
Jim: Well, I work here now.
Andy: Urgh, sucker.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay. Okay. Listen up, everybody, I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder Mifflin Scranton is being shut down.
Toby: Michael, we shouldn't be talking about this until all the decisions have been made.
Michael Scott: You knew about this all along, didn't you?
Toby: Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you.
Michael Scott: Traitor. You are a traitor.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [chanting, as everyone claps along] Stamford, Connecticut! Stamford, Connecticut!

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Hey Mike.
Michael Scott: Darryl. Noble Darryl. [sighs]
Darryl: Look, I heard about the office. Tough break.
Michael Scott: I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me.
Darryl: I wasn't.
Michael Scott: So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and...
Darryl: Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So, we good.
Michael Scott: Awesome.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. Let's go.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes!
Pam: Oh, good. You're bringing Dwight.
Michael Scott: Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What's the plan?
Michael Scott: Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake, save the branch.
Dwight K. Schrute: Can I drive?
Michael Scott: No... way.
Dwight K. Schrute: Shotgun!
Michael Scott: No. There's no one else.
Dwight K. Schrute: Still.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Hey, guys, I'm trying to organize a little group lunch for everybody since, you know, we're never gonna see each other again.
Kevin: Where are we going?
Phyllis: I thought maybe Dee Jay's?
Kevin: How about Cugino's?
Angela: I don't want to go all the way to Dunmore.
Kevin: How about Cooper's, then?
Angela: No seafood.
Kevin: But I don't wanna go to Dee Jay's.
Angela: Oh, now all of a sudden you get picky?
Phyllis: Okay. Forget it.
Kevin: Hooters.
Angela: No.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Here, replenish your fluids.

Quote from Jan

Jan: What's going on here?
Phyllis: We know the branch is closing. Michael told us.
Jan: Oh, God. Okay. You know what, everybody? I'm sure there's a better way to do this, but I've driven something like 400 miles today, and I'm completely exhausted, so I'm just gonna tell you. Your branch is not closing. Stamford is closing. Uh, for the time being, it seems that all of your jobs are safe.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Jan, do you know, is anyone coming back to Scranton?
Jan: Back?
Pam: Coming to Scranton. Is anyone coming to Scranton?
Jan: You know, we don't know. Probably... a few.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What if this doesn't work? What if the office actually goes under?
Dwight K. Schrute: Then it was an honor to have worked with you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: What were your favorite moments?
Michael Scott: All of them. I loved them all. Every single one of them.
Dwight K. Schrute: What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Michael Scott: God, Dwight.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Maybe this is good. Finding another job is a pain. There's another annoying boss, another desk. I'd have to learn everything all over again. So, there are reasons to stay.

Quote from Karen

Jim: Hey, I think I am gonna take that job. And Scranton, it's not that bad. So, if they offer you a job there, I think you should take it.
Karen: Okay, yeah, maybe I will.
Jim: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Karen: Yeah, I'm happy he said that. I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything, but I'm kind of into him, so there you go.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What are we still doing here? It's over. Let's go home. Get the car. Oh, this was such a stupid idea.
This was so stupid. I am such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs! Nobody likes me anymore!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How did we do it?
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know. I have no idea.
Michael Scott: I don't understand.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Well, for a minute there, I saw myself selling my house, moving to Costa Rica, learning how to surf. But Costa Rica will still be there when I'm 65.


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