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35Quotes from ‘The Convict’

The Office: The Convict

309. The Convict

Aired November 30, 2006

The Dunder Mufflin staff don't know how to react when they learn an ex-convict is employed at the Scranton branch.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice, like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, everybody, may I have your attention, please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin, here, has had some trouble with the law. But I just want to declare publicly that I trust him completely and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb person, okay? As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam, tell me a white person you trust.
Pam: My dad.
Michael Scott: Danny Glover. Yeah.
Jim: Jonas Salk.
Michael Scott: Who?
Jim: Justin Timberlake?
Michael Scott: Oh, please. Colin Powell.
Karen: Hey, I've got one.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Karen: Jesus.
Michael Scott: Apollo Creed.

Quote from Michael Scott

Kevin: I wonder what he did.
Michael Scott: In our society a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event and saw some people pushing each other and he intervened.
Pam: Why would anyone go to jail for that?

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for because it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: This place is not prison. This place- It's way better than prison.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, look at me! I'm a baby. I'm one of those babies from Look Who's Talking. What am I thinking? Look at all those staplers. What's a stapler? I don't even know. I'm a baby. Hey, Mom! I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, Mama! I want some milk! And you know where milk comes from? Breasts.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Quote from Jim

Andy: All righty, let's get started. What is she into?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes, and just as important, I know the things that she hates. So one of the things that she likes is pranks and the things that she hates...
[present:]
Jim: Frisbee-based competitions.
Andy: Are you kidding? I started the main Frisbee Golf Club at Cornell where I went to college. I live to frolf.
Jim: Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags with the old guy. Also, do you speak pig Latin?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, "Yo, that's shizzle." Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: What was prison like?
Martin: Not terrible. Boring. We do the same thing every day. But at least we get outdoors time.
Kevin: You got outdoors time?
Martin: Two hours, every day. Sometimes we'd play pick-up football games-
Kevin: Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?
Pam: Yeah, some days I never go outside.
Michael Scott: Well, we are running a business.

Quote from Pam

Meredith: What was your cell like?
Martin: Not good. It's a little bit bigger than Michael's office, but, you know, I really only slept there, you know? During the day our time's our own. They had classes. I took some watercolor classes.
Pam: They have art classes?
Martin: Yeah.
Ryan: Did they have business classes there?
Martin: They did, taught by some Harvard Business School guys. A lot of the guys also that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business.
Michael Scott: Terrible things.
Pam: It kinda sounds like prison's better than Dunder Mifflin.

Quote from Creed

Creed: Baby. Hello, baby. Here, you want to play with this?
Karen: You can't give paper clips to a baby. He could swallow them.
Creed: Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them. You like that? [cooing]

Quote from Andy

Andy: Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There is no getting around it. So, I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos, maybe even toss a disc around. Ut-way ooh-day ooh-yay ink-thay, am-Pay?
Pam: Wow. I-
Andy: Shh. Think about it. I'll hit you back.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay! Listen up, everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place. And I heard you loud and clear. So, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!
[cut to:]
Pam: Michael, it's freezing out.
Phyllis: I can't feel my toes.
Michael Scott: Why don't we pump some iron? Anybody wanna pump up?
Jim: What is that, like, five pounds?
Michael Scott: It's, uh, two-and-a-half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American dream and they would rather be in the hole.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Oh, Andy. I thought of one last tack you could take with Pam.
Andy: Yeah? What?
Jim: Quick question. Do you play the guitar?
Andy: I play the banjo.
Jim: Hold on, let me think about that. Yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy, high falsetto voice?
Andy: [high-pitched, singing] You know I can, my man!
Jim: Yep, that's perfect.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I am here to scare you straight! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. You, my friend, would be the belle of the ball. Don't drop the soap. Don't drop the soap.
Ryan: Michael, please.
Jim: Where did you learn all of this?
Michael Scott: Internet.
Jim: So, not prison.
Michael Scott: And prison. It's 50-50. Both.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.
Jim: What did you do, Prison Mike?
Michael Scott: I stole and I robbed and I kidnapped the President's son and held him for ransom.
Jim: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.
Michael Scott: And I never got caught, neither.
Jim: Well, you were in prison, but...

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison?
Michael Scott: Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelets. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.
Andy: Wow. Prison sounds horrible.
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Thanks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Prison Mike, what's the very, very worst thing about prison?
Angela: Don't encourage him, Dwight.
Michael Scott: The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body and it hurt!
Karen: Dementors like in Harry Potter?
Michael Scott: No, not Harry Potter. There are no movies in prison. This is my point. You guys got it soft and cushy. This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome. Your boss is nice. Everybody seems to get along. People are tolerant. People who would jump to conclusions can redeem themselves. Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you, and from me, Prison Mike to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me and letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! You got a good life, a good life.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Michael, why is everyone locked in the conference room?
Michael Scott: They were very disrespectful to me and to the office and Martin has had a bad influence. To think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt. It's-
Toby: Well, you're gonna have to let them out, or I will, okay?
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what, Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so-
Toby: You know they're teasing you. I mean, obviously this is a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. And we have parties here. They're teasing you to be funny.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford to the convict, to my friend, back to a convict, then to kind of a nuisance, actually, if we could be completely honest, and finally, to a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [playing banjo, high-pitched singing] So we've been told and some choose to believe it But I know they're wrong wait and see 'Cause one day we'll find it The ainbow-ray anection-cay The lovers, the dreamers and me!

Quote from Jim

Jim: Yes, I have started to see Karen. It's very new and- Not really ready to talk about it openly yet just because I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or I don't know. Just not yet.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Who is it?
Michael Scott: Hannah?
Kevin: Andy?
Angela: Andy?
Kevin: Martin?
Michael Scott: Oh, you are such a racist.
Kevin: Wait, why am I a racist?
Michael Scott: Because you think he's black.
Kevin: He is black, right, and-
Michael Scott: Stop it, stop it right. Just stop it right now!

Quote from Angela

Michael Scott: So what we need to do is to forget about this whole Martin-in-prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin and/or black people.
Kevin: Cool.
Pam: Okay. Angela?
Angela: Sure. Let's protect the convicts at the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally, I agree with that.
Michael Scott: Good.

Quote from Jim

Andy: [on the phone] How about ... Angela? Blondes are more fun. Come on, trust me on that.
Jim: Yeah, trust me. That would be fun for no one.
Andy: Okay, fine.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: Pam, the receptionist. Pam, should I go for it?
Jim: Absolutely, you should.
Andy: Jackpot.

Quote from Michael Scott

Martin: So, you all wanna know what I was in for?
Michael Scott: No, that's not cool. You don't have to tell them.
Martin: I really don't mind. It was stupid mistake. I was working in finance and I got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink.
Michael Scott: [laughs] That is awesome.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Did you have TV in the joint?
Martin: Yeah, in the rec room.
Michael Scott: Ah. Like a 10-inch black and white?
Martin: Actually, our TV was bigger than that one.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right, everybody, there has been a lot of name-calling against our office today, corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better than here. And none of us can say, "Boo," because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like. [puts on a bandanna] I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?
Angela: Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?
Michael Scott: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, biatch?
All: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great. All right. Well, here you go.
Jim: Okay, Michael, come on, let us out.
Michael Scott: No! If you think prison is so wonderful, then enjoy prison.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [banging on the door] Hey, let us out of here. Hey! I have-
Hannah: Shh.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, nutcases, get out of there. Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home early. Time off for good behavior! Good job. Enjoy your freedoms.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Yeah, Jan, it looks like a check, a piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don't know.
Angela: Jan, this is Angela Martin from Accounting. We have a rebate from the Federal Work Opportunity Program and no one knows what that means.
Jan: We get that money for hiring an ex-convict.
Michael Scott: I didn't hire an ex-convict, unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. I'm just kidding.

Quote from Andy

Jim: [answering the phone] Jim Halpert.
Andy: I am so horny.
Jim: Okay, I can't help you with that.
Andy: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty, good for a romp in the sack.
Jim: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy: Oh, and I care, why?
Jim: She's high-maintenance.
Andy: Next.


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