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‘Secret Santa’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Office: Secret Santa

613. Secret Santa

Aired December 10, 2009

Michael is upset when Phyllis gets to dress as Santa this year, but he drops his sour attitude when he learns that Dunder Mifflin has been sold and people's jobs are at risk.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself... in jail!


Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say, probably, "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Dwight, come here. Here's my debit card, I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas and meet me in the conference room.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's your pin number?
Michael Scott: I don't want to say. But, "it's fun to stay at the..." "It's fun to stay at the..."
Dwight K. Schrute: Where? Holiday Inn? I don't...
Michael Scott: [hums Y.M.C.A. song]

Quote from Creed

Pam: So, Santa, what can we expect from this party?
Phyllis: It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good!
Creed: What if you've been bad?
Phyllis: Oh then nothing but a lump of coal for you!
Creed: What if you've been really, really bad? More evil, and strictly wrong?
Jim: Hey, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmph! [laughs] Not really! I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: We're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off fake tree?
Dwight K. Schrute: This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work! Merry Christmas!

Quote from Andy

Erin: Hello. Sorry guys. Sorry guys. I'm not sure I've earned the right to make announcements yet. But whoever is giving me the Twelve Days of Christmas as my Secret Santa? Please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtledove; the French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest. Please. Stop.
Kelly: What psycho would send that as a gift?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the Twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically thirty birds?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! It's me, Santa Claus!
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey Santa!
Oscar: They finally let you do it!
Phyllis: Yeah!
Kevin: Congrats Phil!
Erin: It's so edgy!
[aside to camera:]
Phyllis: I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament, and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim eleven weeks ago, and he said I could do it. [laughs] Oh, it's been a long journey, but [sniffles] I'm Santa Claus!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't ask for much for Christmas, I really don't. It's not like I'm begging people to buy me diamonds and broach pendants. "Oh buy me something expensive or I'm gonna kill myself." That's not- I don't care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Behold! [extends his arms] Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. [Angela claps] Those of you who wish to join me, that's great. I'm excited by that. And those of you who don't, I forgive you. But I never forget.
Toby: Wow, Michael, like this must be obvious how wrong this is.
Michael Scott: Oh the Anti-Christ!
Toby: You can't- [Michael touches his forehead and makes sizzling noise] Ow. Look, you cannot push religion.
Michael Scott: Oh, but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you're saying?
Toby: No!
Michael Scott: Well, you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime, I am going to spread my goodness all over this company!

Quote from Michael Scott

David: [answering the phone] Yes, Michael, what is so urgent?
Michael Scott: David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up.
Michael Scott: I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David: Michael!
Michael Scott: I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, "How could they do this to us?"

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Okay. We haven't gone under. We've been sold and that can mean many different things.
Michael Scott: It's hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not, no offense Meredith.
Meredith: No, I get it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'll call him. I'll call David.
Jim: No, you won't, because he's not picking up his phone.
Michael Scott: Yes, I will. Because I always know how to get through to him.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom.

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