Previous Episode Next Episode 

40Quotes from ‘Secret Santa’

The Office: Secret Santa

613. Secret Santa

Aired December 10, 2009

Michael is upset when Phyllis gets to dress as Santa this year, but he drops his sour attitude when he learns that Dunder Mifflin has been sold and people's jobs are at risk.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself... in jail!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say, probably, "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Dwight, come here. Here's my debit card, I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas and meet me in the conference room.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's your pin number?
Michael Scott: I don't want to say. But, "it's fun to stay at the..." "It's fun to stay at the..."
Dwight K. Schrute: Where? Holiday Inn? I don't...
Michael Scott: [hums Y.M.C.A. song]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmph! [laughs] Not really! I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: We're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off fake tree?
Dwight K. Schrute: This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work! Merry Christmas!

Quote from Andy

Erin: Hello. Sorry guys. Sorry guys. I'm not sure I've earned the right to make announcements yet. But whoever is giving me the Twelve Days of Christmas as my Secret Santa? Please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtledove; the French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest. Please. Stop.
Kelly: What psycho would send that as a gift?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the Twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically thirty birds?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! It's me, Santa Claus!
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey Santa!
Oscar: They finally let you do it!
Phyllis: Yeah!
Kevin: Congrats Phil!
Erin: It's so edgy!
[aside to camera:]
Phyllis: I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament, and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim eleven weeks ago, and he said I could do it. [laughs] Oh, it's been a long journey, but [sniffles] I'm Santa Claus!

Quote from Creed

Pam: So, Santa, what can we expect from this party?
Phyllis: It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good!
Creed: What if you've been bad?
Phyllis: Oh then nothing but a lump of coal for you!
Creed: What if you've been really, really bad? More evil, and strictly wrong?
Jim: Hey, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't ask for much for Christmas, I really don't. It's not like I'm begging people to buy me diamonds and broach pendants. "Oh buy me something expensive or I'm gonna kill myself." That's not- I don't care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Behold! [extends his arms] Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. [Angela claps] Those of you who wish to join me, that's great. I'm excited by that. And those of you who don't, I forgive you. But I never forget.
Toby: Wow, Michael, like this must be obvious how wrong this is.
Michael Scott: Oh the Anti-Christ!
Toby: You can't- [Michael touches his forehead and makes sizzling noise] Ow. Look, you cannot push religion.
Michael Scott: Oh, but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you're saying?
Toby: No!
Michael Scott: Well, you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime, I am going to spread my goodness all over this company!

Quote from Michael Scott

David: [answering the phone] Yes, Michael, what is so urgent?
Michael Scott: David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up.
Michael Scott: I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David: Michael!
Michael Scott: I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, "How could they do this to us?"

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Okay. We haven't gone under. We've been sold and that can mean many different things.
Michael Scott: It's hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not, no offense Meredith.
Meredith: No, I get it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'll call him. I'll call David.
Jim: No, you won't, because he's not picking up his phone.
Michael Scott: Yes, I will. Because I always know how to get through to him.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It's insane! A woman Santa? Where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here. Doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious, me not playing Santa? Come on!
Jim: I'm not gonna go tell Phyllis that she can't be Santa.
Michael Scott: Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I- You know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those.

Quote from Ryan

Dwight K. Schrute: It is time to unveil the tree.
Oscar: Hey, Rockefeller Center!
Jim: Yeah.
Ryan: Uh, I have actually been to Rock Center, and this is nothing like that.
Jim: This is all we have.
Ryan: Ugh.
Jim: No, it's not "ugh." It is office camaraderie.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It is warm feelings.
Meredith: Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight! [others join]
Jim: Why would you start so high?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: You didn't decorate it?
Jim: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Exactly.
Jim: We didn't, because we think it'd be better to do it together.
Dwight K. Schrute: Everyone.
Andy: Why would you wrap it in a sheet, if you're not covering anything up?
Pam: Is it, is it fake?
Jim: Pam!
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, we are unveiling, an artificial tree, that will never die.
Jim: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Like the spirit of Christmas!

Quote from Pam

Pam: You know, Oscar, every time I make this lasagna people ask me if it's a family recipe, but really, I just get the recipe from the box.
Oscar: That's funny.
Pam: Is it funny? I thought it was more interesting, than funny. [walks over to Oscar, who is stood at the window intently watching a man play football outside] I think my water just broke!
Oscar: That's too funny.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Here's Santa! Hey, little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see.
Pam: Michael, we already have a Santa, Phyllis.
Michael Scott: What the hell is going on?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ho, ho, ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt!
Andy: Okay.
Michael Scott: No, it's not- Not like penis-wise.

Quote from Kevin

Michael Scott: Hello, little boy, what's your name?
Kevin: Michael, it's me, Kevin. Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap.
Michael Scott: Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well.
Kevin: When can I sit on your lap?
Michael Scott: Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. Oh my God.
Kevin: That's really comfortable.
Michael Scott: What would you like for Christmas little boy?
Kevin: I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that.
Michael Scott: What did you think was going to happen?
Kevin: I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.
Michael Scott: All right, just say "some toys" please.
Kevin: Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don't want to mess up on this list.
Michael Scott: Damn it, Kevin. Come on.
Kevin: What about if I tell you the things I don't want?
Michael Scott: Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God!
Kevin: I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted!
Michael Scott: Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.
Kevin: Awesome.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Well?
Jim: I'm trying Phyllis. You're Santa.
Phyllis: The only Santa.
Jim: That's what I want.
Phyllis: You promised me this. Don't make me get Bob involved!
Jim: What would Bob do?
Phyllis: Never mind, I shouldn't have said that.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Does it hurt?
Erin: It stings a lot.
Andy: Hmm.
Erin: I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts.
Andy: I know, right?
Erin: So far no one will admit to it.
Andy: Huh!
Erin: Is it you?
Andy: Yeah! Totally! I admit it! It's me.
Erin: Seriously?
Andy: "Seriously?" Are you serious?
Erin: What?
Andy: Yeah! Totally serious! I'm your Secret Santa! Busted!

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: There he is.
Darryl: Hey.
Oscar: Is Matt around? I've got his check.
Darryl: Uh, Matt is on a delivery. Just leave it here, I'll take it.
Oscar: Eh, I'll just wait for him.
Darryl: Matt's a pretty good-looking dude, don't you think?
Oscar: I'll just leave it here with you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Can I just talk to you for a second?
Michael Scott: Whoop. Okay, what?
Jim: You can't yell out "I need this, I need this" as you pin down an employee on your lap!
Michael Scott: Okay. You know what, Jim? There are two Santas in the room. Things get ruthless!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me. Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun, I think you sent me a gear instead of a trigger.
Phyllis: How do you know it's a gun?
Dwight K. Schrute: What else does it look like?
Stanley: Not a gun.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I don't have all the pieces yet.
Stanley: Well, unless the missing piece is a gun, you don't have a gun.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not a gun.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey, Oscar, come here. Oscar, this is Matt, and um, Matt loves your pate.
Matt: I had some.
Pam: Oscar's pate is great. I could eat it all day, every day. Mmm. How come the good ones are never straight, right?
Oscar: Okay, Pam.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Yes, they're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch!
Dwight K. Schrute: We don't have a North Pole branch. Idiot. [grabs package]
Michael Scott: Uh oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! [Dwight opens package to reveal another machine part]
Michael Scott: Oh, yes, it's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend! [sings] Deck the halls with crappy gifts...

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! You've been very good this year -
Stanley: I have.
Michael Scott: [on microphone] Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get?
Kevin: He got scented candles!
Michael Scott: [on microphone] Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell, Stanley.

Quote from David

David: [on the phone] Listen, I shouldn't tell you this, but the company has a buyer. The board will have no choice to approve. They are going to clean house.
Michael Scott: What does that mean?
David: I'll be fired.
Michael Scott: Well, can't Alan protect you?
David: Alan will be out, too. All of us.
Michael Scott: All of us?
David: Goodbye, Michael.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey. How's everybody doing?
Jim: Not great. You heckled Santa for an hour and a half.
Michael Scott: That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt, petulant Jesus.
Angela: Are you serious? This is so offensive.
Michael Scott: You know what's even more offensive, is baling on this party because some jerk ruined the first part of it.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: [answering the phone] Hey, sweetie, what is it?
Michael Scott: It's not sweetie, it's Michael Scott.
David: What the hell?
Michael Scott: Stephanie could you hop off please?
David: Michael, I have never, ever, ever-
Michael Scott: David! David, you are on speakerphone with the entire branch, and the warehouse.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: David, they do not believe me. When you told me everyone was canned.
David: You weren't supposed to tell anyone, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, I think we're past that now.
David: I am not supposed to... Okay. Guys. I was really only talking about Alan, myself, a few other execs you don't know.
Jim: Oh my God, David. That's horrible.
Meredith: How 'bout us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman.
David: Look. They're buying the company for the distribution. You guys are the only thing about this company that works. So congratulations.
Michael Scott: We're not fired?
David: No! No, and congratulations.
Michael Scott: Yeah! It's a Christmas miracle!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [singing] I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone. [speaking] It's true. We all walk alone. [Andy joins in singing] My shadow's the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating...

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: [singing] Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging...

Quote from Oscar

Matt: Nice to meet you Oscar.
Oscar: Nice to meet you, Mark!
Matt: It's Matt.
Oscar: Right, Matt. [Matt leaves] I know what I'm doing, Pam.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh man! I can use this for so many nuts! Macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams, snails...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hi, Santa.
Phyllis: Hi, Michael. [Michael sits on her lap] Mm. 'kay.
Michael Scott: I'd like to make a wish.
Phyllis: What?
Michael Scott: I would like an Xbox, and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And, I'm sorry.
Phyllis: An Xbox it is. Because I've decided you're a good boy.


 Episode 612 Episode 614