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35Quotes from ‘Counseling’

The Office: Counseling

702. Counseling

Aired September 30, 2010

Michael is forced to attend his mandatory counseling session with Toby, who tries to get his boss to open up about his feelings. Meanwhile, the rest of the office helps Dwight get "Pretty Woman"-style revenge on a store which refused to serve him.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Disposable cameras are fun. Although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important even that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today.

Quote from Pam

Sales guy: Who can I speak to in this office about saving on window treatments?
Erin: I don't know.
Sales guy: Is one of you the office administrator?
Pam: [hesitates] I am. I am the office administrator!
Sales guy: Can I show you a few samples?
Pam: Oh, we're not interested. We're not interested at all.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients. Therapists are whores. Psychiatry is a narcissism machine. I learn more from Dr. Seuss than from Dr. Freud. Earth: you don't have to be crazy to live here, but it helps. I don't know. Just use the best one.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: What's something that you-
Michael Scott: This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it!
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It's over. It's done. But my punishment is, um, worse than hell.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Wow. Late every day this week.
Pam: We signed Cici up for this daycare. It's on the other side of town. The traffic is-
Dwight K. Schrute: Why didn't I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building?
Jim: Is there really?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Now that I own the building, I'm looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center... [laughing maniacally] Well, I guess it's not an evil idea. It's just a regular idea. But there is no good laugh for a regular idea.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers.
Jim: Aaah!
Mose: Aaah!
Dwight K. Schrute: You remember my cousin Mose.
Mose: Welcome children.
Pam: Were you painting in the dark?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Wait. Is this your place Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour?
Pam: I don't really think we need...
Jim: Oh, let's take the tour Pam.
Pam: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English, uh, letters. I see you found out magical toy box Jim.
Jim: These are actually forks and knives from the break room.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim! To you and me, maybe, but, come on! To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife and... Ms. Fork.
Pam: And a soy sauce packet.
Dwight K. Schrute: That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone, you heard me! Cancel all of your business with the Steamtown Mall!
Phyllis: The mall itself or the stores in the mall?
Dwight K. Schrute: All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks!
Ryan: America is one big mall.
Jim: Did something happen Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, something happened. Oh yeah, something happened, Jim.
Andy: Well, tell us what it is. I mean, it would help us to get some context so we can get on board.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't want to know.

Quote from Pam

Pam: The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So, you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that's fair.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You guys know me. You know that I'm not one for fancy things. But there was this one thing. It was in a fancy store. And it caught the corner of my eye when I took Mose down to the mall to get his blood pressure at the Rite-Aid. And I thought, you know, maybe I deserve this. You know, I had a great crop yield this fall.
Pam: So what happened?
Dwight K. Schrute: I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer, and they looked right at me, and then they looked away. And then I pressed the buzzer again, and they started taking pictures of me on their mobile phones. I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough for precious heirlooms.
Kelly: You know what Dwight? You need to go back there, and you need to "Pretty Woman" their asses.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980's, Beautiful Girl...
Andy: [while combing Dwight's hair] Pretty Woman.
Dwight K. Schrute: Apparently, it's one of the best revenge stories of all times, in which this sex worker, who is the antagonist... That can't be right. Andy? How does it...?
Jim: No, no. I want to hear you tell it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, um... The sex worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns dressed in all the "trappings" of extravagant wealth, but instead of going...
Andy: Julia Roberts goes into the store, and she's like," I was in here yesterday and you people wouldn't help me." And the shop girl goes, "Oh". And Julia Roberts goes," You girls work on commission, right?" And the girl is like,"Yeah", and Julia Roberts goes...
Kelly: "Big mistake! Huge!"
Andy: I was telling- I was telling that.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Toby, can I really tell you anything?
Toby: Of course.
Michael Scott: Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my penis... I mean peas. That was weird. Ah, it's weird. I think that was ... I was probed. By an alien life form. An A.L.F. Alf. You know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half. But there is a lower half.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight? [howls like a werewolf]
Toby: Come on, Michael. Those are all fake stories.
Michael Scott: Yes, Yes. They are all fake stories. What sort of twisted mind would come up with weird stories like that? Three hours. We're half way done.

Quote from Toby

Toby: We can play something more complicated if you like.
Michael Scott: This is plenty complicated.
Toby: So you have played it before?
Michael Scott: I've played it once or twice with Jeff.
Toby: Who's Jeff?
Michael Scott: Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, who she married.
Toby: So, her husband, your stepdad?
Michael Scott: Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though.
Toby: Did you guys do much stuff together?
Michael Scott: Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. And I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn't going to be able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: It's working. I'm doing it!

Quote from Pam

Gabe: The problem, unfortunately, is about the office administrator. I have gone through everything for the past three years. There is nothing that says you're office administrator.
Pam: So weird that there is no paperwork.
Gabe: At all.
Pam: Although, like, unlikely things happen all the time. My best friend, in High School, she went to Australia, Canberra I think, and she met this guy who lived only two streets away in America.
Gabe: Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything. I just want everything to be back the way it's supposed to be. Can you just admit- Admit...
Pam: Admit what?
Gabe: I don't want to say it.
Pam: Say it.
Gabe: Nuh-uh.
Pam: Say that I'm lying or say that I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe.
Gabe: Statements of such nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment.
Pam: Great. Well, Let me know if you need a new chair, or anything that an Office Administrator can handle.
Gabe: Will do. Can I get ... one of those name plates that says Gabe Lewis?
Pam: Sure. Anything else?
Gabe: Nope.
Pam: I'll get it right away.

Quote from Pam

Pam: The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 AM, you play the opponent. Not the cards.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Salesman: Let me know if I can help you with anything.
Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me, sir.
Salesman: Yes?
Dwight K. Schrute: I was here yesterday, and you refused to wait on me.
Salesman: I remember, yes. I'm terribly sorry about that.
Dwight K. Schrute: You work on commission, don't you?
Jim: Stop, stop, stop.
Salesman: No, we don't.
Jim: Did you just say you remember him?
Salesman: Of course, but he looks much less threatening now.
Jim: What does that mean?
Salesman: We had a safety concern. Um... we very politely indicated that he'd be welcome back...
Dwight K. Schrute: Good Morning!
Salesman: If he were in accordance with our dress policy.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Salesman: But the blood stained hands...
Dwight K. Schrute: It was beet juice! I am a beet farmer, idi...
Salesman: I'm very sorry.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good sir. I happen to have been working a very long day. When I came to you fine establishment. You are such a... I'm gonna... Okay. Listen. You can't treat... Thank you! Good morning sir!
Jim: Okay, let's just go.
Dwight K. Schrute: You made a big mistake. Huge!

Quote from Toby

Toby: I'd like you to imagine a place where you feel very peaceful. For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop to my car after I drop my daughter off on Sunday afternoons.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant, in success.
Jim: Who will be watching the children?
Dwight K. Schrute: No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible.
Jim: Prove it.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Jim: Were going to head outside, give it a whirl. I just want to see how it works.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh no, no, no-
Jim: But I'll tell you this, if this works out, I think we're looking real good.
Dwight K. Schrute: I promise you, that door locks!

Quote from Toby

Toby: Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would ask a few standard questions, and check off a few boxes, but I've got a chance to do something good here.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I know what you want to ask me. "Did your mom ever see you naked?"
Toby: We can do this with more privacy.
Michael Scott: So you can molest me?
Toby: Oh, okay.
Michael Scott: I don't think so. We're going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That's the key.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I'm glad Michael is getting help. He as a lot of issues, and he's stupid.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the "F" word?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes I did. And I'm going to do the same with all of your clients.
Stanley: No you will not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, yes I will! That mall is corrupt. Okay, they're appearance-ists!

Quote from Kelly

Jim: Wait, wait, wait. That's actually a really good idea Kelly.
Kelly: What did I say?
[aside to camera:]
Kelly: I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner? [removes cuff link] How about now? [removes other cuff link] How about now? [removes tie clip, unfolds shirt collar] How about now?

Quote from Michael Scott

[to camera:]
Toby: I think we might be about to maybe really get somewhere.
[also to camera:]
Michael Scott: Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby.

Quote from Pam

Oscar: Office Administrator. So when did this happen?
Pam: A few months ago. I was talking to someone at corporate, who isn't there anymore, and I think the paperwork just got lost in the shuffle. Can you believe that?
Oscar: Yeah, totally. Well, congrats!
Pam: Thanks! Yeah, so I'm just going to take care of things around the office and get paid a reasonable salary. You believe that, right?
Oscar: Totally, that's great.
Pam: I get paid $40,000 per year.
Oscar: Great.
Pam: Maybe $50,000.
Oscar: $50,000?
Pam: No, not $50,000, $41,000, I think. $41,500.
Oscar: That's great.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Kelly: You shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo.
Jim: Agreed.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?
Oscar: Maybe something not so monochromatic. Not so matching.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait. Less matching to appear more rich?
Ryan: The glasses are a little- [Dwight drops his glasses to the floor, stomps on them]
Pam: I liked them.
Kelly: I thought they were kind of cute.
Ryan: Yeah, I liked them too.
Dwight K. Schrute: I can't see.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Darryl: Say stuff like, "Good morning, Good Afternoon". People appreciate that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, I see you every day. Can I say "Good month?"
Darryl: I'm telling you how to do this man.
Andy: If someone offers you a cocktail, accept, but keep your wits about you.
Angela: Please and thank you go a long way.
Dwight K. Schrute: Copy. Thank you.
Angela: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Please.
Andy: [in a cockney accent] I think he's got it!

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey, do you have a second?
Gabe: Yeah.
Pam: Well, as I am sure you know, for the past few months, I've been the Office Administrator. Since right before you guys took over.
Gabe: Right, of course!
Pam: And, I haven't gotten paid yet. I'm not blaming you.
Gabe: Thank you so much.
Pam: I just think somebody lost the paperwork.
Gabe: Oh boy. Can you get every department head's signature on this so I can back this up to corporate?
Pam: Yes. Absolutely. Right away.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Angela: My place tonight. Wear this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you have your card?
Angela: Yes. Don't forget the pipe.

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: Its really sad that your dog ran away. Why did it keep you from going to the park?
Michael Scott: I was afraid I would find him in the park, playing with another kid.
Toby: Why?
Michael Scott: I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better.
Toby: Dogs don't do that.
Michael Scott: Right. Why would a dog do that? That's silly.
Toby: I don't know.
Michael Scott: When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I've never said it out loud, so...
Toby: It's very important for you to be liked, isn't it?
Michael Scott: Well, lets not get too... This isn't a counseling session... Okay. You son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Okay. You.
Toby: I'm just trying to help you Michael.
Michael Scott: Bitch. God! You're very helpful aren't you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?
Toby: I just want to-
Michael Scott: You are good. But you know what? You can't help people. You couldn't help your marriage. You lose. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody. I don't need your help! Am I going to make you cry?
Toby: [tossing forms at Michael] Just fill them out any way you want.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Toby: I'll have Erin fax them back to corporate.
Michael Scott: You'll do... Okay. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these [raising his two middle fingers] and call me in the morning.

Quote from Pam

Pam: There are a lot of one person departments here, so, there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone.

Quote from Toby

Gabe: So, Corporate got your evaluations, and they want me to check, is that really how you feel about Michael's situation?
Toby: Yes.
Gabe: That is not how he seemed to me.
Toby: I thought he seemed fine.
Gabe: You marked severe in all the categories, including at risk for homicidal behavior.
Toby: Heh.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You forged them! You forged the forms!
Toby: You filled them in and faxed them yourself!
Michael Scott: Yes.
Toby: You remember that.
Michael Scott: Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake.
Toby: Unless a part of you made that mistake on purpose.
Michael Scott: You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake. Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet... [as Gabe] "I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I'm here 'cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!" [normal voice] Ah, okay. That's your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let's do it to it!


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