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33Quotes from ‘Blood Drive’

The Office: Blood Drive

518. Blood Drive

Aired March 5, 2009

On Valentine's Day, Michael decides to throw a lonely hearts party at the office after a chance encounter with a woman at the blood drive. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam go out for lunch with Phyllis and Bob Vance.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Having trouble finding a vein?
Nurse: Yup, a little.
Dwight K. Schrute: How about now?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I've trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

Quote from Pam

Phone Salesman: Hi.
Pam: Good morning, can I help you?
Phone Salesman: Yes, I'm from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott.
Pam: I'm sorry, he's not in right now.
Phone Salesman: Really? He's never around when I come by.
Pam: Shoot.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. ... Vending machine.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: These people need love and I am going to get it for them. Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be Cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say, "Ah! I'm in love. I was hit by cupid's sparrow." Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.

Quote from Pam

Phone Salesman: How about I make an appointment to come back? That way, I know he'll be here.
Pam: That is a great idea.
Phone Salesman: Great.
Pam: [leafing through Michael's appointment book] Um, oh boy, let's see, he's really...
Jim: Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are ya?
Pam: There he is!
Phone Salesman: Oh, hi! Great.
Jim: Nice to meet you, yeah. Whew! I can assure you we don't need a new system though. Happy with ours.
Michael Scott: Hello, may I help you?
Jim: Jimbo!
Michael Scott: ...Jim.
Jim: [impersonating Fonzie] Ayyyy!
Michael Scott: Ayyyy!
Pam: Ayyyy!
Michael Scott: Ayyyy!
Jim: Ayyyy!
Dwight K. Schrute: Ayyyy!
Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight K. Schrute: Ayyyy!
Phone Salesman: Okay. I'm, uh, I'll be going.
Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight K. Schrute: Ayyyy!
Michael Scott: [laughing] What was that?
Pam: That was funny.
Michael Scott: That was funny. Let's go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. Hawaiian blood punch.
Woman: Oh, that's gross.
Michael Scott: Type O-Ocean Spray.
Woman: God, stop. Stop it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Nurse: You're done.
Michael Scott: Oh, already.
Woman: Ah, we did it!
Michael Scott: Whew. Wow, I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days. [Michael passes out]
Woman: Is he okay?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: It is so nice to go out with another couple.
Pam: Anything to get out of that office.
Phyllis: I know.
Bob Vance: I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass.
Phyllis: He's talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy.
Jim: Oh yeah, I understood.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. [in a Mexican accent] Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?
Kelly: Well, his heart was in the right place.
Michael Scott: Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. Okay, sorry.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?
Angela: Oh, God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but...
Oscar: I was stupid, I told him.
Kevin: Was he in to you in like a gay way?
Michael Scott: Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story.
Oscar: He told me he wasn't gay. [everyone groans]
Michael Scott: Really sad.
Oscar: I'm not done yet.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God.
Oscar: A week later a friend of mine calls me up and he says, "I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City."
Michael Scott: Well, then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!

Quote from Angela

Angela: My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me.
Oscar: Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here.
Angela: No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.
Oscar: Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you?
Angela: I guess I have. Huh.

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: Alright, who's next? Where's Andy?
Oscar: He's on one of his honeymoons.
Michael Scott: What?
Oscar: He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couple's massage.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's, and I think that there are other single people out there, too. We just need to find them. There's a girl out there for all of us, maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.
Dwight K. Schrute: A net? a giant net?
Michael Scott: No. Not a giant net.
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you have in mind?
Michael Scott: I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, God, that's a terrible idea.
Michael Scott: Old fashioned meat market.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: I don't think it is.
Dwight K. Schrute: Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha. You're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: So how you holding up?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm okay. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: And the kind of discounts we're talking about are not- Hold on. Michael, why do you keep looking at the front door?
Michael Scott: No reason.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is somebody after you?
Oscar: Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, it just takes one!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Nobody's after me. I just- I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by.
Kelly: You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic.
Michael Scott: It's not a big deal really. I just, you know, met somebody, we hardly talked. I picked up her glove, so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
Kelly: Oh, my God. That makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted. It's like a fairy tale.
Meredith: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, not likely. 3 billion woman on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Pardon me. May I have a chocolate chip cookie? I gave blood earlier and I'm still feeling woozy.
Nurse: Of course. [noticing Stanley's arm] That's weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we've been using Band-Aids.
Stanley: [backing away] I, uh-oh I feel so woozy I just... [to Phyllis] Band-Aids.
Phyllis: Oh, damn.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, look at that. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year. You doing OK, bud?
Kevin: I miss Stacy.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I hear ya. It's been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy. So if you think you're hurting...
Kevin: I can't even imagine.

Quote from Jim

Pam: This is our first and only Valentine's Day as fiances.
Jim: You're only engaged once. Well, present company excluded, but...
Pam: Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday?
Jim: Yeah. She's fine.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. [Kelly opens the envelope] Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion. And it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment.
Jim: I understand that.
Dwight K. Schrute: So sexy it becomes hostile.
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key.
Michael Scott: Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest-
Jim: We do.
Michael Scott: -that none of us can be a part of-
Pam: You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.
Michael Scott: -then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine's Day party.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely hearts convention, this afternoon. Singles only.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, deal with it Pam!
Michael Scott: So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other.

Quote from Pam

Phyllis: Hey, why don't you guys come have lunch with Bob and me? We'll take all afternoon. [whispering] Michael is terrified of bob.
Pam: What do you think?
Jim: I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves.
Pam: We're in.

Quote from Phyllis

Bob Vance: Everyone here who's bowled a 280 please raise your hand. [Bob raises his hand]
Jim: No way, a 280?
Pam: Wow, that's impressive.
Phyllis: Okay. Now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand.
Jim: Yikes.
Phyllis: Come on, Bob. Raise your hand. [Bob reluctantly raises his hand]
Jim: No. Bob, no. No!
Pam: What?
Bob Vance: One time. You love bringing up that one time, don't you?
Phyllis: Yes, I do.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Jim uses a 6 pound ball.
Jim: That is a lie. That is a lie.
Pam: Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.
Jim: But! That girl must've had monstrous hands because the holes fit.
Pam: No, you just have little dainty fingers.
Bob Vance: Oh, yeah. You can always model ladies' jewelry.
Jim: Nobody asked, Bob! [laughing]

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said, "Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!", and she said that we're done.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead.
Woman: I- I- believe you.
Dwight K. Schrute: You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie. So where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today.
Woman: Um, I work at a place that does catalogs for community colleges and small businesses.
Dwight K. Schrute: You must use a lot of paper.
Woman: Oh God, tons of it .
[Dwight pants]

Quote from Jim

Pam: What's the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom?
Jim: I think if you ordered hot food you're allowed to eat.
Pam: Oh, damn. [Pam looks down at her salad] They've been in there for like ten minutes.
Jim: Look at that. Bob ordered hot food.
Pam: Yes. And I think they gave him too many fries.
Jim: We should help him out. [Jim and Pam both take a French fry from Bob's plate]

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: At the Circle Drive-In they show old movies. It's really cool.
Lynn: That does sound cool.
Kevin: I used to go there with my fiance. Before she left me. No, I mean, before I left her. She left me.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. So... fast.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, Eric. You mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair.
Eric: I am.
Michael Scott: Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy, so that's sort of a repair. Alright, I'll let you guys talk.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Hey, I'm sorry we did not have a chance to talk more. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.
Lynn: That's really sweaty.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: So basically, the greater volume you decide to buy in, the greater discount we can give you.
Woman: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, what's up?
Woman: Look, I'm gonna go.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, oh, oh. Before you go, I'd just love to get a firm commitment on this. You know maybe sign-
Woman: Look, we already have a paper supplier.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot. God!
Michael Scott: Hey, you don't deserve her.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thanks, Michael.


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