Dwight K. Schrute: Having trouble finding a vein?
Nurse: Yup, a little.
Dwight K. Schrute: How about now?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I've trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

Phone Salesman: Hi.
Pam: Good morning, can I help you?
Phone Salesman: Yes, I'm from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott.
Pam: I'm sorry, he's not in right now.
Phone Salesman: Really? He's never around when I come by.
Pam: Shoot.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. ... Vending machine.

Michael Scott: These people need love and I am going to get it for them. Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be Cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say, "Ah! I'm in love. I was hit by cupid's sparrow." Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.

Michael Scott: Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good.

Phone Salesman: How about I make an appointment to come back? That way, I know he'll be here.
Pam: That is a great idea.
Phone Salesman: Great.
Pam: [leafing through Michael's appointment book] Um, oh boy, let's see, he's really...
Jim: Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are ya?
Pam: There he is!
Phone Salesman: Oh, hi! Great.
Jim: Nice to meet you, yeah. Whew! I can assure you we don't need a new system though. Happy with ours.
Michael Scott: Hello, may I help you?
Jim: Jimbo!
Michael Scott: ...Jim.
Jim: [impersonating Fonzie] Ayyyy!
Michael Scott: Ayyyy!
Pam: Ayyyy!
Michael Scott: Ayyyy!
Jim: Ayyyy!
Dwight K. Schrute: Ayyyy!
Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight K. Schrute: Ayyyy!
Phone Salesman: Okay. I'm, uh, I'll be going.
Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight K. Schrute: Ayyyy!
Michael Scott: [laughing] What was that?
Pam: That was funny.
Michael Scott: That was funny. Let's go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy!

Michael Scott: Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. Hawaiian blood punch.
Woman: Oh, that's gross.
Michael Scott: Type O-Ocean Spray.
Woman: God, stop. Stop it.

Nurse: You're done.
Michael Scott: Oh, already.
Woman: Ah, we did it!
Michael Scott: Whew. Wow, I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days. [Michael passes out]
Woman: Is he okay?

Phyllis: It is so nice to go out with another couple.
Pam: Anything to get out of that office.
Phyllis: I know.
Bob Vance: I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass.
Phyllis: He's talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy.
Jim: Oh yeah, I understood.

Michael Scott: Well, here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. [in a Mexican accent] Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?
Kelly: Well, his heart was in the right place.
Michael Scott: Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. Okay, sorry.

Oscar: Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?
Angela: Oh, God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but...
Oscar: I was stupid, I told him.
Kevin: Was he in to you in like a gay way?
Michael Scott: Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story.
Oscar: He told me he wasn't gay. [everyone groans]
Michael Scott: Really sad.
Oscar: I'm not done yet.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God.
Oscar: A week later a friend of mine calls me up and he says, "I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City."
Michael Scott: Well, then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!