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‘Performance Review’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

The Office: Performance Review

208. Performance Review

Aired November 15, 2005

As Michael hosts performance reviews for his employees, he's more concerned about his upcoming meeting with Jan. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam try to convince Dwight that it's the end of the working week.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: And in conclusion, I think Lex Luther said it best when he said, "Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of."
Michael Scott: That's from Superman?
Dwight K. Schrute: Smallville. And that is why I feel I deserve this raise.

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Quote from Jim

Jim: Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Okay, Dwight, leave.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, I would like to discuss my raise.
Michael Scott: Why on earth would we give you a raise?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking it. Let me bring up one word. Dedication.
I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness, even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays.
Michael Scott: You do? How do you get in?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have a copy of your key.
Jan: That's a serious offense.

Quote from Pam

Pam: It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were and it ended with him telling me he could bench press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
Michael Scott: Okay, third wheel, why don't you do that?
Dwight K. Schrute: For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office.
Michael Scott: That was deer? Gross. Oh, God!
Dwight K. Schrute: You liked it.
Michael Scott: Did not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jan, have you ever had deer?
Jim: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a delicacy. And, you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. And so when we're done here, you guys could go over to the Antler Lodge, sample some deer, and talk about my raise.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You should get one of these.
Jim: No, thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim: Done.
Dwight K. Schrute: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. Sorry.
Jim: It's all right.
Dwight K. Schrute: Numerous health benefits: strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim: You're not having sex.
Dwight K. Schrute: Plus, improves your reflexes. See, I would have caught that.
Jim: Okay, you know what, how much is that?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's only 25 bucks.
Jim: Wow. Okay.
[Jim stabs the orb with a pair of scissors]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, hey. Listen, Jim, here's a little tip for your performance review. Okay. Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
Jim: We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, yes, we do.
Jim: No, we don't.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and then he'll be sure to give you a raise.
Jim: All right. Well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim: Then I win.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ugh. You know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. Okay. I need to stay focused. And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday, and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go Monday. [sighs] Stupid.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Michael Scott: Really?
Stanley: Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again, and this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael Scott: God, Stanley. That's freaking brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? I'm sorry.
Stanley: Oh, it's okay. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.
Michael Scott: No kidding.
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: It's all about my bonus.

Quote from Angela

Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello? Everybody? Yeah, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming very soon and so we're gonna have our weekly suggestion box meeting. So you can all get in your constructive compliments ASAP.
Ryan: Don't you mean constructive criticism?
Michael Scott: What did I say?
Kelly: You said constructive compliments. That doesn't make any sense.
Michael Scott: Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions, okay?

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