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31Quotes from ‘Performance Review’

The Office: Performance Review

208. Performance Review

Aired November 15, 2005

As Michael hosts performance reviews for his employees, he's more concerned about his upcoming meeting with Jan. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam try to convince Dwight that it's the end of the working week.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: And in conclusion, I think Lex Luther said it best when he said, "Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of."
Michael Scott: That's from Superman?
Dwight K. Schrute: Smallville. And that is why I feel I deserve this raise.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Okay, Dwight, leave.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, I would like to discuss my raise.
Michael Scott: Why on earth would we give you a raise?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking it. Let me bring up one word. Dedication.
I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness, even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays.
Michael Scott: You do? How do you get in?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have a copy of your key.
Jan: That's a serious offense.

Quote from Pam

Pam: It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were and it ended with him telling me he could bench press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
Michael Scott: Okay, third wheel, why don't you do that?
Dwight K. Schrute: For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office.
Michael Scott: That was deer? Gross. Oh, God!
Dwight K. Schrute: You liked it.
Michael Scott: Did not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jan, have you ever had deer?
Jim: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a delicacy. And, you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. And so when we're done here, you guys could go over to the Antler Lodge, sample some deer, and talk about my raise.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You should get one of these.
Jim: No, thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim: Done.
Dwight K. Schrute: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. Sorry.
Jim: It's all right.
Dwight K. Schrute: Numerous health benefits: strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim: You're not having sex.
Dwight K. Schrute: Plus, improves your reflexes. See, I would have caught that.
Jim: Okay, you know what, how much is that?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's only 25 bucks.
Jim: Wow. Okay.
[Jim stabs the orb with a pair of scissors]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, hey. Listen, Jim, here's a little tip for your performance review. Okay. Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
Jim: We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, yes, we do.
Jim: No, we don't.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and then he'll be sure to give you a raise.
Jim: All right. Well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim: Then I win.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ugh. You know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. Okay. I need to stay focused. And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday, and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go Monday. [sighs] Stupid.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Michael Scott: Really?
Stanley: Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again, and this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael Scott: God, Stanley. That's freaking brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? I'm sorry.
Stanley: Oh, it's okay. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.
Michael Scott: No kidding.
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: It's all about my bonus.

Quote from Angela

Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello? Everybody? Yeah, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming very soon and so we're gonna have our weekly suggestion box meeting. So you can all get in your constructive compliments ASAP.
Ryan: Don't you mean constructive criticism?
Michael Scott: What did I say?
Kelly: You said constructive compliments. That doesn't make any sense.
Michael Scott: Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions, okay?

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] Hey, Dan, this is Jim. It is about 11:15 and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the 15th, and that is a...
Dwight K. Schrute: Saturday.
Jim: Saturday. So just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Okay, talk to you soon.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Oh, my God, did you see The Apprentice last night?
Jim: Of course. It's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?
Pam: Can you believe who Trump fired?
Jim: No, that was unbelievable.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
Pam: You didn't see it?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! Never go out on a Thursday night. What the hell was I thinking?

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: [on intercom] Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
Michael Scott: I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
Pam: You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
Michael Scott: I did not, not, not use those words.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of you don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. So, let's just read some of these suckers, okay? All right. Number one. "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?"
Dwight K. Schrute: "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?"
Kelly: I thought you read these every week?
Michael Scott: Well, obviously, this one got stuck in the box. That happens occasionally.
Dwight K. Schrute: It happens occasionally.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What do we have here? We have somebody's piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a garbage can. This is the future of our company. This is not a place for gum, okay? I don't want to have to read these tomorrow.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. Who wants to come in on a Saturday?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You're gonna give me this raise. I deserve this raise. Yes! Yes! Yes! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation. Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because I'm awesome! I am awesome!

Quote from Pam

Pam: Do you think Michael and Jan actually-
Jim: I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam.
Pam: How do you come back from that?
Jim: You don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together.
Pam: No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that as a human being?
Jim: Yeah. No. I don't think you can.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Hey, it's 12:20. Where the hell's Dwight?
Jim: No idea.
Michael Scott: "Never missed a day," my ass.
[outside:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm here! I'm here! I'm here. It's okay!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My boss is coming in today. The lovely Jan Levinson-Gould. Well, no Gould, the Gould has been- Divorce. The awkward part is that this is the first time we'll be seeing each other since, well... It was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the "understanding with rugged good looks" office manager. Just, she didn't want it to continue for some reason. We both didn't. I didn't want it. We both didn't want it to continue. It was not professional. When people say something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: Michael? Yeah? Are the cameras in there with you, in your office?
Michael Scott: No. They are not. ... Yes, they are.
[Jan hangs up]
Michael Scott: That's my girlfriend.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I heard they made out and had sex.
Oscar: I heard they just made out. That's it.
Kevin: Well, I heard they made out and had sex.
Angela: Don't talk about it. Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved.
Kevin: Romances?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis, I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas.
Is there any chance that you wrote any of my ideas down in a folder, like an idea folder?
Pam: Sorry.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm a little confused because first it's, like, all kissy-kissy and then it's, like, all regret because, "Oh, I regret that. But, wait, I'm still gonna call you. But we're just gonna talk business, and I may come down there and fire you if you don't do your job. But what were we talking about when we first kissed? Business."

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: So, are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then?
Michael Scott: No, no, no. I finished all that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like, "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am." But I do say, "Thank you, ma'am." But I'm not like, "Wham bam." Not that there's anything wrong with "wham bam," if it's consensual. We're talking about office stuff.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Can I ask you a question?
Jan: No.
Michael Scott: This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise
Jan: Fine.
Michael Scott: Are you wearing a new perfume today?
Jan: How is that a business question?
Michael Scott: Well, you're wearing it at the office, and It I'm sorry, no offense, but it's really sexy.
Jan: Please don't smell me, Michael.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right, next suggestion. Next suggestion. "You need to do something about your B.O."
Dwight K. Schrute: "You need to do something about your B.O."
Michael Scott: Okay. Now, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion.
And it's not an office suggestion. Far be it from me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.
Toby: Aren't the suggestions meant for you?
Michael Scott: Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that that is a very poor choice of words.
Creed: Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.
Michael Scott: Was I, Creed? Okay, well, you know what I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs. Because talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should all be aware of, okay? Now that we've learned this, let's continue.

Quote from Angela

Michael Scott: See, this is good. We're learning and we're figuring some stuff out. "You need to do something about your coffee breath." Okay, no!
Dwight K. Schrute: "You need to do something-"
Michael Scott: Shut up, shut up, shut up, Dwight. Okay. I don't think you people are grasping the concept of the suggestion box.
Angela: Sometimes you talk to us real close.
Michael Scott: [his hand pressed against his face, keeping his mouth tight] Yeah? Is that hard for you? All right. Well.
Angela: Well, when you have coffee breath it's hard.
Michael Scott: I'll work on that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Next suggestion.
Dwight K. Schrute: "Next suggestion."
Michael Scott: "Don't-" Okay, that's blank. Don't- Just put it
Dwight K. Schrute: "Don't sleep with your boss." Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?

Quote from Jan

Michael Scott: I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio?
Jim: You know, Michael-
Michael Scott: Am I too short?
Jim: Michael, it has nothing to do with your looks, okay? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way. And I don't agree about the B.O., but you are very, very inconsiderate.
Michael Scott: Really?
Jan: Really. You're- You're a great guy, okay?
Michael Scott: I appreciate that, thank you.
Jan: And you were very sweet. And you stayed up with me and talked to me and cried with me, and I appreciate that.
Michael Scott: No, I didn't. I was- I don't cry.
Jan: But I just am not in a place right now where I'm looking for a relationship. So, we can still work together, we can still be friends, but... Okay?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now, and it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed. I'm good. I can go home now.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Next suggestion. "We need better outreach for employees fighting depression." Okay. All right, enough with the jokes. Nobody in here is suffering from depression.
Jan: That sounds serious, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. Well, yeah? Who wrote it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Tom?
Michael Scott: Tom. Then, it is a joke because there's nobody in here named Tom.
Phyllis: Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago. Tom. [Phyllis holds two fingers to her temple]
Michael Scott: Oh, that guy? That guy was weird.


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