Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Performance Review’ Quotes

The Office: Performance Review

208. Performance Review

Aired November 15, 2005

As Michael hosts performance reviews for his employees, he's more concerned about his upcoming meeting with Jan. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam try to convince Dwight that it's the end of the working week.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: And in conclusion, I think Lex Luther said it best when he said, "Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of."
Michael Scott: That's from Superman?
Dwight K. Schrute: Smallville. And that is why I feel I deserve this raise.

Rate

Quote from Jim

Jim: Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Okay, Dwight, leave.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, I would like to discuss my raise.
Michael Scott: Why on earth would we give you a raise?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking it. Let me bring up one word. Dedication.
I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness, even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays.
Michael Scott: You do? How do you get in?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have a copy of your key.
Jan: That's a serious offense.

Quote from Pam

Pam: It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were and it ended with him telling me he could bench press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
Michael Scott: Okay, third wheel, why don't you do that?
Dwight K. Schrute: For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office.
Michael Scott: That was deer? Gross. Oh, God!
Dwight K. Schrute: You liked it.
Michael Scott: Did not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jan, have you ever had deer?
Jim: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a delicacy. And, you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. And so when we're done here, you guys could go over to the Antler Lodge, sample some deer, and talk about my raise.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You should get one of these.
Jim: No, thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim: Done.
Dwight K. Schrute: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. Sorry.
Jim: It's all right.
Dwight K. Schrute: Numerous health benefits: strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim: You're not having sex.
Dwight K. Schrute: Plus, improves your reflexes. See, I would have caught that.
Jim: Okay, you know what, how much is that?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's only 25 bucks.
Jim: Wow. Okay.
[Jim stabs the orb with a pair of scissors]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, hey. Listen, Jim, here's a little tip for your performance review. Okay. Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
Jim: We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, yes, we do.
Jim: No, we don't.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and then he'll be sure to give you a raise.
Jim: All right. Well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim: Then I win.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ugh. You know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. Okay. I need to stay focused. And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday, and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go Monday. [sighs] Stupid.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Michael Scott: Really?
Stanley: Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again, and this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael Scott: God, Stanley. That's freaking brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? I'm sorry.
Stanley: Oh, it's okay. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.
Michael Scott: No kidding.
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: It's all about my bonus.

Quote from Angela

Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hello? Everybody? Yeah, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming very soon and so we're gonna have our weekly suggestion box meeting. So you can all get in your constructive compliments ASAP.
Ryan: Don't you mean constructive criticism?
Michael Scott: What did I say?
Kelly: You said constructive compliments. That doesn't make any sense.
Michael Scott: Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions, okay?

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] Hey, Dan, this is Jim. It is about 11:15 and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the 15th, and that is a...
Dwight K. Schrute: Saturday.
Jim: Saturday. So just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Okay, talk to you soon.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Oh, my God, did you see The Apprentice last night?
Jim: Of course. It's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?
Pam: Can you believe who Trump fired?
Jim: No, that was unbelievable.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
Pam: You didn't see it?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! Never go out on a Thursday night. What the hell was I thinking?

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: [on intercom] Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
Michael Scott: I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
Pam: You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
Michael Scott: I did not, not, not use those words.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of you don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. So, let's just read some of these suckers, okay? All right. Number one. "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?"
Dwight K. Schrute: "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?"
Kelly: I thought you read these every week?
Michael Scott: Well, obviously, this one got stuck in the box. That happens occasionally.
Dwight K. Schrute: It happens occasionally.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: What do we have here? We have somebody's piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a garbage can. This is the future of our company. This is not a place for gum, okay? I don't want to have to read these tomorrow.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. Who wants to come in on a Saturday?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You're gonna give me this raise. I deserve this raise. Yes! Yes! Yes! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation. Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because I'm awesome! I am awesome!

Quote from Pam

Pam: Do you think Michael and Jan actually-
Jim: I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam.
Pam: How do you come back from that?
Jim: You don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together.
Pam: No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that as a human being?
Jim: Yeah. No. I don't think you can.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: Hey, it's 12:20. Where the hell's Dwight?
Jim: No idea.
Michael Scott: "Never missed a day," my ass.
[outside:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm here! I'm here! I'm here. It's okay!


 Episode 207 Episode 209 
  Select another episode