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35Quotes from ‘The Lover’

The Office: The Lover

607. The Lover

Aired October 22, 2009

When Jim and Pam return to the office after their honeymoon, Pam is upset to learn about Michael's relationship with her mother.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I play it just right I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: This conversation has two items on the agenda.
Jim: Do we have a conversation scheduled?
Dwight K. Schrute: Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don't care how high they promote you. Which brings me to item number two, I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I'd just like to say... [holding up wooden mallard] Conquackulations!
Jim: Wow, that's really thoughtful of you, Dwight. Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: [duck voice] You're welcome! [quacks, laughs]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have recently taken a lover.
Jim: Well, that's great. Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady?
Michael Scott: Pam's mom.
Jim: What?
Michael Scott: Pam's mom, Helene. Remember from your wedding?
Jim: You're messing with me.
Michael Scott: About what?
Jim: You did not have sex with Pam's mom.
Michael Scott: Oh, big time.
Jim: What kind of car does she drive?
Michael Scott: She drives a green Camry.
Jim: [bleep]
Michael Scott: And the seats go all the way down. All the way down.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities.
Andy: Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?
Michael Scott: That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release, it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So if there is a lesson to be learned here and I'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people's needs ahead of our own.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Who wants to help the world one step at a time? All right, good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't like the tone here. This is a place of business. You are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it.
Pam: Uh... Oh, my God, you are ridiculous!
Michael Scott: Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out.
Pam: You are never going to be my father, you get out!
Michael Scott: I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am.
Pam: Me too.

Quote from Ryan

Dwight K. Schrute: Where did you get that mallard?
Kelly: What the hell is a mallard?
Dwight K. Schrute: That!
Kelly: Oh, Professor Damien D. Duck, Jim gave him to me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I'm taking that back.
Kelly: If you take it back, I'll scream.
Dwight K. Schrute: [sighs heavily] I'll give you five bucks for it.
Ryan: Twenty.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ten.
Ryan: Deal.
Kelly: You're so cool.
Ryan: [pockets the money] This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.

Quote from Toby

Toby: You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Do you want me to stop seeing your mom? Is that how we're gonna get past this? Cause, I will.
Pam: Mmmmm... Yes!
Michael Scott: Well, that is not gonna happen!
Pam: Then why'd you even offer?
Michael Scott: Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.
Pam: Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a [beep] about your happiness! Stop dating my mother!
Michael Scott: You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder.
Pam: What's that supposed to mean?
Michael Scott: You know what it means.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt, although she just blocked me on IM. What's-her-face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: [walks into his office and sees the mallard on his desk] Dwight, you brought the mallard back.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I had to, I mean... Kelly was not even-
Jim: [speaking into the mallard and looking a Dwight] Hi buddy.
Dwight K. Schrute: [walks into Jim's office and takes out ear piece] I'm sorry.
Jim: A wooden duck?
Dwight K. Schrute: Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.
Jim: Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this. You are not equipped for espionage.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I'm equipped. I can-
Jim: Silence.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't tell Michael.
Jim: I won't. But, you will wash and buff our car.
Dwight K. Schrute: Punishment fits the crime, I accept.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[Dwight walks into Jim's office, sits down at the desk and takes a pen out from the pot. He twists the lid and a recording of Jim starts to play]
Jim: "We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our..."
Dwight K. Schrute: I've got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane. [plays recording]
Jim: "...65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer."

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic?
Jim: It was.
Pam: It really was.
Jim: Really was.
Kelly: [voice cracks] I'm so happy for you...

Quote from Pam

Jim: Puerto Rico was awesome.
Pam: Oh my gosh. The honeymoon was great. We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot.
Jim: [goofy voice] Frank and Beans. [laughs] Always makes her laugh.
Pam: [goofy voice] Frank and Beans!

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: So what'd you bring us?
Pam: Some candy.
Meredith: What else?
Pam: That's it.
Meredith: Oh, 'cause you spent so much on the wedding.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years.
Jim: It's a real handsome duck.
Dwight K. Schrute: Mallard. Okay, I'll get out of your hair.

Quote from Jim

Toby: Hey, Jim.
Jim: Not now, Toby, my God!
Toby: Oh, Jesus!
Michael Scott: Get the hell out of here, idiot.
Toby: What did I do?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that, and please, for both our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again.
Michael Scott: I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy.
Jim: No, not more than anything.
Michael Scott: Okay, I have a good thing with the mom.
Jim: Don't call her "the mom."
Michael Scott: She's right on my way home from work.
Jim: Then take a different way home, man!

Quote from Pam

Pam: So what'd we decide for Michael, the bottle of rum, or the seashell alarm clock?
Jim: You know what? Can I have the weekend to decide?
Pam: Bottle of rum it is.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Pam, it is very complicated. There are a lot of moving parts here.
Jim: Sounds complicated.
Michael Scott: It is.
Pam: Yeah, but I mean, if you really like this person, then you should see where it goes.
Michael Scott: You want me to be happy?
Pam: Of course.
Michael Scott: Part of the problem is, she is the mother of a close friend of mine.
Pam: Oh.
Michael Scott: More than a friend, a co-worker.
Pam: Oh, gossip. Who is it? Who is it? Who is it, Michael? ... Who?
Michael Scott: It's okay.
Pam: No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nooooo! [runs out]
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down...
Michael Scott: [sighs] Feels good.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...
Michael Scott: I'm sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes, dinner.
Dwight K. Schrute: The blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [on cell phone] How could you do this to me? He's my boss! How many times have I complained about him to you? No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy!

Quote from Andy

Andy: How may I be of service to you?
Jim: I am gonna need your advice. [Opera music starts loudly playing in the office. Creed starts to cry.] I was thinking about getting this opera for Dwight's birthday, what do you think?
Andy: This aria is a joke.
Jim: Really?
Andy: What are you thinking?
Jim: I was gonna go with this one.
Andy: Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: The Nard Dog... what was that all about?
Andy: I know, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: What were you talking about in there?
Andy: Trust me it would only make you mad.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on phone] No, no, no, I'll talk to her. I will. No, nobody talks to my baby that way. Uh. Ah, yeah, I'll let you know how it goes. Alright, bye pickle.
Kevin: Who's pickle?
Michael Scott: Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologize to your mother right now.

Quote from Pam

Oscar: Hold on, hold on. What's going on?
Jim: Nothing. Nothing at all. It's all good!
Pam: I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes me an apology.
Michael Scott: For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?
Pam: Don't call my mother your lover.
Kevin: Yes! That's what I'm talking about.
Andy: That is not okay dude.
Michael Scott: All right, in my defense-
Phyllis: Disgusting!
Creed: That's messed up man.
Pam: Yes! Thank you, welcome to my personal hell!
Oscar: You have no sense of boundaries, Michael.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Shut up, Oscar. Hey, all right, you know what, clearly I'm outnumbered here, but can I just say one thing, please? What is so wrong about me? I'm caring. I'm generous. I'm sensual. Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness.
Phyllis: Good luck, Michael, I hope you find what you're looking for.
Oscar: Maybe you're right, who are we to-
Pam: Shut up, Oscar. What is wrong with all of you, he is sleeping with my mother!
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.

Quote from Ryan

Michael Scott: Let's get back to the matter at hand.
Pam: Whatever! You know, sleep with my mom, sleep with everybody's mom.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, no.
Ryan: Whoa, that's my mother you're talking about!

Quote from Pam

Oscar: Pam, just for the record, I think you're overreacting a little bit. Your mom's old enough to make her own decisions.
Pam: Oh, well, thanks Oscar. I was just wondering how would you feel if Michael was sleeping with your mom?
Oscar: My mother's in a wheelchair.
Pam: Well, he could still... I'm sorry about that.

Quote from Toby

Michael Scott: Hey, Toby, could I talk to you for a minute?
Toby: Yeah, sure, what's up?
Michael Scott: Um, I just wanted to apologize for taking that tone with you earlier. That was uncalled for, I'm sorry.
Toby: Um, yeah. Ah, that means a lot. Thank you for saying it.
Michael Scott: Can I sit down for a second?
Toby: Yeah, er, pull up a chair or sit on the shredder.
Michael Scott: This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation.
Toby: Ah. You should probably deal with that outside of the work place.
Michael Scott: She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here.
Toby: Okay, I mean, I could talk to her.
Michael Scott: Really? Would you do that?
Toby: Yeah. That's why they pay me the big bucks. [both laugh]

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey, Pam, can I see you for a second? So, Dwight heard you were having a really rough day. So he generously offered to wash our car.
Pam: Aww, he did that for me?
Jim: Yes, he did. You know what was nice, nights swimming in Bayou bay.
Pam: Mmm.
Jim: Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam?
Pam: Yeah. Say more nice things.
Jim: Well, we went on a Segway tour and we're awesome at it.
Pam: Yes, we are.
Jim: And [silly voice] Frank and Beans!
Pam: Maybe I'm overreacting.
Jim: Yeah, maybe.
Pam: But I don't think I am.
Jim: You're not. Nope. Nope.

Quote from Ryan

Kevin: Oh, where'd you get that hat?
Ryan: I'd rather not say.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Is there someone there? Who is there? I hear voices, is somebody there?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Is someone here? I can't see you because I'm blind.
Dwight K. Schrute: Its Jim and Pam, Michael.
Michael Scott: [gasps] It is?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah...
Michael Scott: They're back? Oh! Oh! Oh, Pam! [reaching out with hands at chest level]
Jim: Nope.
Michael Scott: And oh, Jim.
Pam: Hi, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, I haven't see you since my accident that I had when I fell- I fell into the pool of acid, eyes first. Blind guy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I've been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him.


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