Dwight K. Schrute: I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.

Jim: Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I play it just right I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.

Michael Scott: Who wants to help the world one step at a time? All right, good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.

Dwight K. Schrute: Where did you get that mallard?
Kelly: What the hell is a mallard?
Dwight K. Schrute: That!
Kelly: Oh, Professor Damien D. Duck, Jim gave him to me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I'm taking that back.
Kelly: If you take it back, I'll scream.
Dwight K. Schrute: [sighs heavily] I'll give you five bucks for it.
Ryan: Twenty.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ten.
Ryan: Deal.
Kelly: You're so cool.
Ryan: [pockets the money] This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.

Dwight K. Schrute: This conversation has two items on the agenda.
Jim: Do we have a conversation scheduled?
Dwight K. Schrute: Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don't care how high they promote you. Which brings me to item number two, I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I'd just like to say... [holding up wooden mallard] Conquackulations!
Jim: Wow, that's really thoughtful of you, Dwight. Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: [duck voice] You're welcome! [quacks, laughs]

Michael Scott: I have recently taken a lover.
Jim: Well, that's great. Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady?
Michael Scott: Pam's mom.
Jim: What?
Michael Scott: Pam's mom, Helene. Remember from your wedding?
Jim: You're messing with me.
Michael Scott: About what?
Jim: You did not have sex with Pam's mom.
Michael Scott: Oh, big time.
Jim: What kind of car does she drive?
Michael Scott: She drives a green Camry.
Jim: [bleep]
Michael Scott: And the seats go all the way down. All the way down.

Michael Scott: Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities.
Andy: Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?
Michael Scott: That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release, it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So if there is a lesson to be learned here and I'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people's needs ahead of our own.

Michael Scott: I don't like the tone here. This is a place of business. You are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it.
Pam: Uh... Oh, my God, you are ridiculous!
Michael Scott: Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out.
Pam: You are never going to be my father, you get out!
Michael Scott: I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am.
Pam: Me too.

Toby: You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends.

Michael Scott: Do you want me to stop seeing your mom? Is that how we're gonna get past this? Cause, I will.
Pam: Mmmmm... Yes!
Michael Scott: Well, that is not gonna happen!
Pam: Then why'd you even offer?
Michael Scott: Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.
Pam: Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a [beep] about your happiness! Stop dating my mother!
Michael Scott: You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder.
Pam: What's that supposed to mean?
Michael Scott: You know what it means.