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‘The Lover’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Office: The Lover

607. The Lover

Aired October 22, 2009

When Jim and Pam return to the office after their honeymoon, Pam is upset to learn about Michael's relationship with her mother.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.

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Quote from Jim

Jim: Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I play it just right I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Who wants to help the world one step at a time? All right, good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: This conversation has two items on the agenda.
Jim: Do we have a conversation scheduled?
Dwight K. Schrute: Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don't care how high they promote you. Which brings me to item number two, I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I'd just like to say... [holding up wooden mallard] Conquackulations!
Jim: Wow, that's really thoughtful of you, Dwight. Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: [duck voice] You're welcome! [quacks, laughs]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I have recently taken a lover.
Jim: Well, that's great. Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady?
Michael Scott: Pam's mom.
Jim: What?
Michael Scott: Pam's mom, Helene. Remember from your wedding?
Jim: You're messing with me.
Michael Scott: About what?
Jim: You did not have sex with Pam's mom.
Michael Scott: Oh, big time.
Jim: What kind of car does she drive?
Michael Scott: She drives a green Camry.
Jim: [bleep]
Michael Scott: And the seats go all the way down. All the way down.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities.
Andy: Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?
Michael Scott: That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release, it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So if there is a lesson to be learned here and I'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people's needs ahead of our own.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't like the tone here. This is a place of business. You are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it.
Pam: Uh... Oh, my God, you are ridiculous!
Michael Scott: Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out.
Pam: You are never going to be my father, you get out!
Michael Scott: I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am.
Pam: Me too.

Quote from Ryan

Dwight K. Schrute: Where did you get that mallard?
Kelly: What the hell is a mallard?
Dwight K. Schrute: That!
Kelly: Oh, Professor Damien D. Duck, Jim gave him to me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I'm taking that back.
Kelly: If you take it back, I'll scream.
Dwight K. Schrute: [sighs heavily] I'll give you five bucks for it.
Ryan: Twenty.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ten.
Ryan: Deal.
Kelly: You're so cool.
Ryan: [pockets the money] This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.

Quote from Toby

Toby: You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Do you want me to stop seeing your mom? Is that how we're gonna get past this? Cause, I will.
Pam: Mmmmm... Yes!
Michael Scott: Well, that is not gonna happen!
Pam: Then why'd you even offer?
Michael Scott: Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.
Pam: Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a [beep] about your happiness! Stop dating my mother!
Michael Scott: You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder.
Pam: What's that supposed to mean?
Michael Scott: You know what it means.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt, although she just blocked me on IM. What's-her-face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: [walks into his office and sees the mallard on his desk] Dwight, you brought the mallard back.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I had to, I mean... Kelly was not even-
Jim: [speaking into the mallard and looking a Dwight] Hi buddy.
Dwight K. Schrute: [walks into Jim's office and takes out ear piece] I'm sorry.
Jim: A wooden duck?
Dwight K. Schrute: Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.
Jim: Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this. You are not equipped for espionage.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I'm equipped. I can-
Jim: Silence.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't tell Michael.
Jim: I won't. But, you will wash and buff our car.
Dwight K. Schrute: Punishment fits the crime, I accept.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[Dwight walks into Jim's office, sits down at the desk and takes a pen out from the pot. He twists the lid and a recording of Jim starts to play]
Jim: "We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our..."
Dwight K. Schrute: I've got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane. [plays recording]
Jim: "...65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer."

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic?
Jim: It was.
Pam: It really was.
Jim: Really was.
Kelly: [voice cracks] I'm so happy for you...

Quote from Pam

Jim: Puerto Rico was awesome.
Pam: Oh my gosh. The honeymoon was great. We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot.
Jim: [goofy voice] Frank and Beans. [laughs] Always makes her laugh.
Pam: [goofy voice] Frank and Beans!

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: So what'd you bring us?
Pam: Some candy.
Meredith: What else?
Pam: That's it.
Meredith: Oh, 'cause you spent so much on the wedding.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years.
Jim: It's a real handsome duck.
Dwight K. Schrute: Mallard. Okay, I'll get out of your hair.

Quote from Jim

Toby: Hey, Jim.
Jim: Not now, Toby, my God!
Toby: Oh, Jesus!
Michael Scott: Get the hell out of here, idiot.
Toby: What did I do?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that, and please, for both our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again.
Michael Scott: I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy.
Jim: No, not more than anything.
Michael Scott: Okay, I have a good thing with the mom.
Jim: Don't call her "the mom."
Michael Scott: She's right on my way home from work.
Jim: Then take a different way home, man!

Quote from Pam

Pam: So what'd we decide for Michael, the bottle of rum, or the seashell alarm clock?
Jim: You know what? Can I have the weekend to decide?
Pam: Bottle of rum it is.

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