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33Quotes from ‘Happy Hour’

The Office: Happy Hour

621. Happy Hour

Aired March 25, 2010

Oscar wants to get close to Matt from the warehouse, so he decides it's time for all the Dunder Mifflin employees to celebrate happy hour at a bar.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.

Quote from Darryl

Oscar: You know what we haven't done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody just going out for a drink.
Darryl: Has that ever happened? Ever?
Oscar: Didn't we? I think we did.
Darryl: You want me to invite Matt?
Oscar: Yeah, the whole gang, Matt included.
Darryl: Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [removing tie] Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. [puts on Kangol hat]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Tell 'em your story, Hide.
Hide: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Isabel: You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?
Dwight K. Schrute: Whacking moles. Hit 'em on the head. Whack. Say it with me.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Yeah, I love going to bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats 'em up. What?

Quote from Jim

Jim: I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I- And I love her. I also love her, very much.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, what do you do?
Julie: I am an ESL teacher.
Michael Scott: Really?
Julie: Yeah.
Michael Scott: See, I didn't think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now?
Julie: Are you thinking that I said 'ESP?'
Michael Scott: Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome.
[aside to camera:]
Julie: I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn't act like a boss at all. [laughing] If I had a boss like that, we'd never get anything done.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Why are you wearing a hat now?
Michael Scott: Guys, come on, I'm on a date. Let me do my thang.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Hi, I'm date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? [tries to wink]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Isabel: Oh, air hockey, basketball, we could play that. Oh, whack-a-mole.
Dwight K. Schrute: Any brothers or sisters?
Isabel: Three brothers.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?
Isabel: Two are in the Marines, one's a cop.
Dwight K. Schrute: Vegetarian?
Isabel: No. I love meat.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's your blood type?
Isabel: O-negative. Universal donor.
Dwight K. Schrute: Universal donor.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Listen, can I talk to you for a second?
Angela: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Look, I've been thinking. We had a good run. We really did. But you don't need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore.
Angela: It's no worry.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's just that we both-we want different things. You know, I want a big family.
Angela: I could see enjoying that.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall. Thick. A big, physically big family. Listen, you go have fun. You're off the hook.
Angela: But we signed the contract.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's dissolved. Don't worry, you're free. Okay? Okay. See you later.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I'm gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologize.
Bar Manager: Then I am sorry... that I didn't kick you out.
Michael Scott: I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello.
Bar Manager: Well, uh, I'm the manager here, sir.
Michael Scott: Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don't see that from you.
Bar Manager: Is that how you do it?
Michael Scott: Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.
Bar Manager: Really? How much have you written?
Michael Scott: I've written all of it... in my head.
Bar Manager: Oh.
Michael Scott: If you're really interested, it's called 'Somehow I Manage' and there's going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up.
Bar Manager: Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca's? It's a classic.
Michael Scott: Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it.
Bar Manager: Dude, tonight! You're not going to want to put it down. It's gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow.
Michael Scott: I own a Chrysler.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: With this move, he can't get you.
Isabel: Well, I think that he could counter that move. The Scranton Strangler is a professional strangler.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, please. I wish he'd come after me. I would be like- Ah!
Angela: Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: Sh-what?
Angela: You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna County Court.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. [trying to talk over her] Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Angela: For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Isabel: What are you talking about?
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you-
Angela: Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Angela...
Angela: Did he not tell you that?
Dwight K. Schrute: You're really putting me in an awkward position here.
Angela: Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract?
Dwight K. Schrute: Angela, not here!
Angela: Dwight?
Isabel: Whack! [Isabel smacks Angela on forehead]
Angela: You will see me in small claims court!
Dwight K. Schrute: [to Isabel] You are an impressive specimen.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Breathe. Work your core. Come on.
Michael Scott: How many is that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Not counting the last one, 25.
Michael Scott: Count the last one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, 25 and one girl push-up!
Michael Scott: Oh, new record!
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Oh, what did you do today?
Jim: I made a sale.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat.
Meredith: What do we get if we do 'em?
Michael Scott: My respect. [everyone returns to work] Okay, I'll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups-
Dwight K. Schrute: And one girl push-up.
Michael Scott: Gets to go home. [everyone starts doing push-ups] Oh! I say dance, they say how high? Here we go.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, it's not exactly fair. He's got all of his weight that's helping him go down.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Yeah, we talked this morning and we talked at Christmas. So, a little momentum there. [tries to open office door, locked] Just a couple of hours to kill before work.

Quote from Pam

Jim: So some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight, but I told them-
Pam: [on phone] Yes! Yes! I would love to!
Andy: Ha! Knew it!
Pam: It's been so long since I've been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed, Ryan. Oh my God, Stanley! Stanley's going to be there. Yes, oh my God!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. [whispering] Are you going later?
Erin: Sure, if you are.
Andy: Yes.
Erin: Talk to me that way again, and I'll cut your face off.
Andy: Whoa.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um... but we're kinda keeping it quiet for now 'cause it's still kind of a new thing. It's a little delicate, and we just don't want all the drama.
Erin: Exactly.
Andy: Yeah, cause when everyone knows- [After a knock on window, Andy opens the blinds to see Kevin making sexual gestures] That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know.
Erin: Quiet.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Well, when a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-what's fill up with you-know-what, and then her shirt gets, you know... that would be funny.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God! [laughs]
Jim: Easy.
Michael Scott: It's not a birthday, it's not a good-bye party...
Jim: Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth.
Michael Scott: Sucks to be you.
Jim: Would you like to be our fourth?
Michael Scott: That would be sublime.

Quote from Pam

Pam: This is my friend Julie.
Michael Scott: Hello, how are you?
Julie: Good. Hi.
Michael Scott: What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for? [Julie laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Julie laughs at everything.

Quote from Michael Scott

Julie: So you work with Pam and Jim?
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired.
Julie: [giggles] I should hope not.
Michael Scott: No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper, which I do not have the decency to repeat, but trust me when I tell you that-
Dwight K. Schrute: Hold that thought. Well, well, well. If it isn't Isabel.
Isabel: Mm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?
Isabel: A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ooh, I love repartee.
Isabel: Do you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Usually means there's a battle scene coming.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Waaaah! [Kevin cries into Pam's chest] Waaaaah! Mommy!
Jim: What is happening?

Quote from Ryan

Kelly: Only three tickets.
Ryan: If we save 'em up, we can get more than a sticker this time.
Kelly: Stop telling me how to spend my tickets.
Ryan: I know, but you wanted the big thing.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together?
Erin: Oh I know.
Andy: They'd be like, "What's up with those two?"
Erin: "Hey, guys, get a bedroom already."
Andy: "Did we miss the wedding?" Um, I got it. I'll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we'll switch.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [As Michael plays air guitar on pool table] Wow. Maybe we should tell her that he's not normally like this.
Pam: Maybe it should come from a man.
Jim: Maybe it should come from a note... with flowers... tomorrow.

Quote from Michael Scott

Bouncer: We got a problem?
Michael Scott: Yes. Homelessness.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [over PA] Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go.
Erin: [laughs] You love drama.
Andy: I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady.
Jim: Actually, you didn't.
Pam: Not at all.
Michael Scott: I think I did. But I can't take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me.


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