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31Quotes from ‘Free Family Portrait Studio’

The Office: Free Family Portrait Studio

824. Free Family Portrait Studio

Aired May 10, 2012

When Dwight sets up a photo studio in the office building and offers free family portraits, Jim and Angela question his motives. Meanwhile, Andy plots to reclaim his role as manager with David Wallace's help.

Quote from Robert

Phyllis: So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?
David: Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company.
Robert: Oof! [laughs] Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. [laughs] I'm actually the CEO.
David: Ah, I didn't realize you were standing there.
Robert: Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess.
David: Well, okay. Great to meet you.
Robert: Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis.

Quote from Robert

David: Okay, everyone. I had a conversation with Bob, and since I am going to be CEO now there'll be no need for him.
Meredith: Ouch. That's gotta hurt!
David: But, he is going to be making so much money from the liquidation, he's gonna be freed up to do something much more important.
Robert: David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause that's very dear to me. So, for the next three years, I'll be travelling overseas, concentrating all of my efforts on educating- mentoring, some African, some Asian, but mainly Eastern European women.
David: I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob explained it to me.
Robert: Oprah Winfrey's leadership academy and other schools like it, while wonderful, end with high school. I want to see these girls right through college, especially the gymnasts. They've lost so many years of crucial education to perfecting their bodies. Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom.
Andy: Gymnasts? You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?
Robert: Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify some truly exceptional women who show great promise. Well, Andy, it's been fun.
Andy: Mmm. Mmm-hm. [As Robert and Andy hug, Robert kisses him on the lips]
Robert: It's been a great year.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Let me get this straight. You lost all of it. All your winnings. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Hide: Bad economy. Bad investment.
Darryl: You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for Asian homosexuals?
Calvin: They did not.
Darryl: And you got half a million of these? Well I gotta try it.
Calvin: I wouldn't.
Darryl: Aw, come on. What's the harm? [makes face] Mmm. What flavor was that?
Hide: Coconut penis.
Darryl: The coconut's pretty subtle.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Robert: Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen. [drinks coconut penis energy drink] Why'd they add coconut? I miss original.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: May I say one thing?
Andy: It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever's on your mind.
Nellie: The quality of mercy is not strained.
Andy: No.
Nellie: It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.
Andy: Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card?
Nellie: It blesseth he who gives and he who takes. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: [to webcam] Hello. My name's Oscar. I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I'm gay. And I'm here to tell you that yes, it does get better. When I was younger, um-
Phyllis: What- What's he doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: He's searching out younger gays.
Phyllis: Oh.
Oscar: No, it's just a way to tell young people, no matter how hard it gets for them, there's a brighter future ahead.
Dwight K. Schrute: ...with you. [chuckles]
Oscar: [to webcam] No matter how hard it gets for you, eh- Kelly, seriously, I-
Kelly: Just keep chatting. I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam.
Oscar: Do you not own a mirror?
Kelly: Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies.
Pam: I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things.
Kelly: I'm throwing out all my mirrors.
Oscar: [to webcam] Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job at a dynamic workplace. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple-
Robert: No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by and have the gay youth of America misled by some reductionist-
Oscar: It's not misleading.
Robert: -pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity as "normal." It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated.
Kevin: Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you. [Robert backs into Kevin's nose] Ooh! [whimpers]
Robert: Ow! Damn it, Kevin! God!
Dwight K. Schrute: You okay, Robert?
Robert: Fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Put some ice on it.
Oscar: In any case, it gets better. [Kevin cries] Maybe- Maybe not much better... but better.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought, "muffin basket." Then I thought, "What's even more precious to people than muffins?" ... Their own children.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey everybody, just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio. Darryl. We'd love to see little Jada come by. Angela? Why don't you bring by your little angel?
Angela: No, thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, you've got those two cute kids. We sure would love to see them.
Jim: I know why you're doing this, Dwight.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Last week, I may have gone too far. I'll explain it quickly. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away Velcro. And... you can fill in the rest. Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it's fair to be cautious.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon. Then I would date the hell out of me. I wouldn't give in to me too fast, let me buy myself some nice dinners and such. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself.

Quote from Andy

Creed: Good, good. This carpet's overdue for a good mopping.
Jim: Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet?
Andy: Yeah, it is actually.

Quote from Angela

Angela: I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to, um, get a sample of my baby's DNA to prove he's the father. Which is impossible because the senator is the only man I've ever been with.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, here we go. Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw a wrench in the works, but I want everything to be perfect and the baby's fingernails are just bothering me-
Angela: Uh-uh, leave us alone.
Senator Lipton: I guess we're okay with the fingernails.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, great. Suit yourself. Although, are those excess skin cells on the baby's cheek distracting to you as well?
Angela: Dwight, we're fine!

Quote from Nellie

Gabe: [enters] Happy birthday to Gabe!
Nellie: Oh, get out, skeleton man!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Damn it. Well, this is not going to be quite as delicious as I wanted, but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys. Not only am I not a lowly janitor, I am the regional manager once again! Guys, I got my old job back!
Jim: Oh boy.
Pam: Oh, Andy.
Oscar: What?
Andy: I'm not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back.
Oscar: David Wallace hasn't worked here in years.
Andy: Okay, yes, I see the confusion. I saw David at the fundraiser. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum "Suck It" to the U.S. military.
Jim: Andy, come on.
Kevin: Even I know that's weird.
Andy: I- I- Okay, I get how that sounds crazy.
Toby: Hey, Andy, nobody's calling you crazy, Andy. We're your friends, Andy.
Andy: Stop saying my name.
Erin: No, he's not making this up.
Andy: Thank you, Erin.
Erin: Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time.
Pam: But have you ever actually seen him yourself?
Erin: Oh my God.
Andy: Erin, come- Come on. You know I've been talking to David Wallace.
Toby: Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Guess I'd better take off these dirty rags. Figure out how to be a manager of this place.
Jim: Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy.
Andy: Gosh, I hope so.

Quote from Angela

Angela: No! God, Mose! God!
Mose: Hi, Angela.
Angela: Get out of the car! Get out! Where is he?
Mose: I'm not supposed to say.
Angela: Yes! [slaps Mose] Tell me! Tell me where he is! Mose, damn it! Where did he go? Mose! Get back here!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I just want one mother[bleep] delicious moment. Is that too much to ask?

Quote from Andy

Andy: If I were to hire you back. If. What do you think you would do well?
Nellie: Special projects manager, that's my background. I just go around doing whatever I want.
Andy: All right, you sly bastard. When can you start?

Quote from Oscar

Senator Lipton: Hey.
Oscar: Senator Lipton. Hey, how are you?
Senator Lipton: You didn't call.
Oscar: Um, well, uh, the issue that I- that concerned me...
Senator Lipton: You know what this is about. [covers Philip's eyes] Call.

Quote from Gabe

Andy: [wearing a stained janitor outfit] Hi guys.
Jim: How's it going, man?
Andy: [whimpering] I'm- I'm good, thank you. And how are you?
Jim: Great, yeah, good.
Gabe: Oh, how the mediocre have fallen.

Quote from Andy

Nellie: Oh God.
Andy: Look, I'm not here to get my old job back. I had my opportunity, I blew it, I'm moving on. I just wanted to come in here and literally beg you for something, anything. I will sweep the floors, water the plants...
Nellie: No, you don't understand-
Andy: Clean the toilets.
Nellie: I don't need anyone to-
Andy: Pull the poop out of the toilets.
Nellie: That's not even a thing.
Andy: Just, please...
Nellie: Andy.
Andy: Please!
Nellie: Andy.
Andy: Give me something!
Nellie: Why don't you clean the carpets for today?
Andy: Thank you.
Nellie: You're welcome. Up you get then. Pick yourself up. There it is.
Andy: Thank you.
Nellie: You don't need to-

Quote from Andy

Andy: I have a delicious secret.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Mmm, I can't hold it in any longer. Um, I am faking this, okay? Because I convinced David Wallace to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre. And at three o'clock today, he's gonna walk in here and reinstate me as manager.

Quote from Jim

Pam: [enters with the kids] Family picture!
Jim: Pam? No!
Pam: What? Honey, we talked about this.
Jim: No, we talked about not bringing them in to Dwight's photo studio/trap.
Pam: Yes, and then we decided that was crazy.
Jim: No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it.
Pam: No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember?
Jim: Nope.
Pam: We decided that there's no way Dwight would harm a child.
Jim: But are you a hundred percent sure? I don't think any of us are.
Pam: No, no.
Jim: Nope.
Pam: But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them.

Quote from Angela

Senator Lipton: Hello, Erin. Hello, everybody.
Angela: Uh, what? Why? Uh, hi honey. What- how are you doing?
Senator Lipton: Hi, you know, my office got a call that they were shooting family portraits right here. And if there's one thing that every politician instinctively understands, it's a good photo op.
Phyllis: [laughs] Yeah.
Angela: Heh.
Erin: Okay, you're going to go through the hallway. Here's a map. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I know this is going to be a great payoff.
Andy: A delicious moment.
Erin: But after you're manager, some of these images are going to be hard to shake.
Andy: Well, but it-
Erin: Just calibrate. Okay? Calibrate.

Quote from Angela

Angela: No! Dwight! Give me the diaper! Dwight!

Quote from Andy

Toby: Andy, we wanted to talk to you. A lot of us are very concerned about you.
Nellie: You're dirty. You stink of booze. You're limping inexplicably.
Andy: I just want you guys not to worry. 'Cause old Andy's gonna be just fine.
Jim: No, no, see? This is what we're talking about. I mean, what was that accent? And last time I checked, you were drunk and now you're not drunk...
Erin: No, unfortunately it's true. He's been a nightmare. And the worst part is, he's been taking it out on me.
Nellie: What?
Pam: You hit her?
Andy: No. That is not the deal. Calibrate.
Erin: He's not hitting me. But, he's been verbally abusing me-
Andy: That's not true either! That's also total- Everyone, please relax. I think you're gonna like this surprise guest.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [on the phone] Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready.

Quote from Andy

David: Hey guys, long time.
Pam: David, what are you doing here?
Phyllis: Is it true you're buying the company?
David: Okay. [chuckles] I guess the word is out. Uh, please keep this a secret, but yes, I've been talking with Andy-
Andy: What? Thought I heard my name. What? I'm the new manager?
David: I'll get to that in a second, Andy.
Andy: But it's- It is- It is me? Right?
David: Yes, as we've discussed-
Andy: What?
David: But it's very possible-
Andy: Oh my God!
David: Probable.
Andy: Wow. From janitor to manager?
David: Yep.
Andy: That's quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to M-V-P.
David: There's an official announcement. A few details to be-
Andy: From total loss to total boss, I mean-


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