824. Free Family Portrait Studio
Aired May 10, 2012
When Dwight sets up a photo studio in the office building and offers free family portraits, Jim and Angela question his motives. Meanwhile, Andy plots to reclaim his role as manager with David Wallace's help.
Quote from Robert
Phyllis: So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?
David: Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company.
Robert: Oof! [laughs] Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. [laughs] I'm actually the CEO.
David: Ah, I didn't realize you were standing there.
Robert: Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess.
David: Well, okay. Great to meet you.
Robert: Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis.
Quote from Robert
David: Okay, everyone. I had a conversation with Bob, and since I am going to be CEO now there'll be no need for him.
Meredith: Ouch. That's gotta hurt!
David: But, he is going to make so much money from the liquidation, he's gonna be freed up to do something much more important.
Robert: David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause that's very dear to me. So, for the next three years, I'll be travelling overseas, concentrating all of my efforts on educating- mentoring, some African, some Asian, but mainly Eastern European women.
David: I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob explained it to me.
Robert: Oprah Winfrey's leadership academy and other schools like it, while wonderful, end with high school. I want to see these girls right through college, especially the gymnasts. They've lost so many years of crucial education to perfecting their bodies. Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom.
Andy: Gymnasts? You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?
Robert: Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify some truly exceptional women who show great promise. Well, Andy, it's been fun.
Andy: Mmm. Mmm-hm. [As Robert and Andy hug, Robert kisses him on the lips]
Robert: It's been a great year.
Quote from Robert
Robert: Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Robert: Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen. [drinks coconut penis energy drink] Why'd they add coconut? I miss original.
Quote from Darryl
Darryl: Let me get this straight. You lost all of it. All your winnings. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Hide: Bad economy. Bad investment.
Darryl: You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for Asian homosexuals?
Calvin: They did not.
Darryl: And you got half a million of these? Well I gotta try it.
Calvin: I wouldn't.
Darryl: Aw, come on. What's the harm? [makes face] Mmm. What flavor was that?
Hide: Coconut penis.
Darryl: The coconut's pretty subtle.
Quote from Nellie
Gabe: [enters] Happy birthday to Gabe!
Nellie: Oh, get out, skeleton man!
Quote from Darryl
Darryl: If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon. Then I would date the hell out of me. I wouldn't give in to me too fast, let me buy myself some nice dinners and such. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself.
Quote from Oscar
Oscar: [to webcam] Hello. My name's Oscar. I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I'm gay. And I'm here to tell you that yes, it does get better. When I was younger, um-
Phyllis: What- What's he doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: He's searching out younger gays.
Oscar: No, it's just a way to tell young people, no matter how hard it gets for them, there's a brighter future ahead.
Dwight K. Schrute: ...with you. [chuckles]
Oscar: [to webcam] No matter how hard it gets for you, eh- Kelly, seriously, I-
Kelly: Just keep chatting. I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam.
Oscar: Do you not own a mirror?
Kelly: Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies.
Pam: I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things.
Kelly: I'm throwing out all my mirrors.
Oscar: [to webcam] Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job at a dynamic workplace. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple-
Robert: No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by and have the gay youth of America misled by some reductionist-
Oscar: It's not misleading.
Robert: -pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity as "normal." It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated.
Kevin: Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you. [Robert backs into Kevin's nose] Ooh! [whimpers]
Robert: Ow! Damn it, Kevin! God!
Dwight K. Schrute: You okay, Robert?
Dwight K. Schrute: Put some ice on it.
Oscar: In any case, it gets better. [Kevin cries] Maybe- Maybe not much better... but better.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Dwight K. Schrute: I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought, "muffin basket." Then I thought, "What's even more precious to people than muffins?" ... Their own children.
Quote from Jim
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey everybody, just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio. Darryl. We'd love to see little Jada come by. Angela? Why don't you bring by your little angel?
Angela: No, thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, you've got those two cute kids. We sure would love to see them.
Jim: I know why you're doing this, Dwight.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Last week, I may have gone too far. I'll explain it quickly. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away Velcro. And... you can fill in the rest. Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it's fair to be cautious.
Quote from Andy
Creed: Good, good. This carpet's overdue for a good mopping.
Jim: Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet?
Andy: Yeah, it is actually.